I had a paritcularly gruelling day. There is a backdrop of stress in the mind and the breathing is heavy. I am feeling particularly tired today and need rest.
I woke up at 6 from a vivid dream that I described in my morning post. Then I settled with my lemon water and honey and chanted and meditated. After that I set off for a long walk. My feet firmly hit the concrete pathway and I was aware of the different kinds of birds flitting about me. A Gulmohar tree I see enroute is in blossom. It reminded me of my childhood days when I played king king with its buds with Guddi.
I came back and Ma had left for Bu's place. I did 40 minutes of yoga. I had poha with egg poach for breakfast with a cup of tea.
Then I bathed and wore my brown houndstooth top and brown trousers. I settled with the news.
Around 10.40 I left for a meeting. But the people I was supposed to meet didn't turn up. Arrrgh! I walked for about half an hour in the sweltering sun to reach a metro station. Then I came back home.
I was so tired by this excursion that I lay down for about half an hour.
Then I settled to work on my resume and send a few emails. I wanted to write my novel but was so fatigued that I put it off.
I had begun kumro bhaja, dal, fish curry and rice for lunch. I read Daisaku Ikeda and Helen Keller.
I also spent considerable time on social media today. Social media can be helpful but its tidbits could also be a waste of time as one doesnt really assimilate much from what one has seen.
Ma's outburst yesterday loomed in the backdrop of my mind. Ever since I've known Ma which has been all my life she has been aggressive and particularly harsh on me.
Arun is also much like this. Loveable but difficult to love.
I kind of feel enough is enough. I should distance myself from Ma. She is quite The Toxic. All these thoughts today caused me to feel stressed out.
Do I respect Ma? Enough to entertain her but not particularly as a person. I think she's too mental without compassion... all intellect with less heart. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I should be able to respect and love my mother. But she hasn't earned that respect and is hard to love. I also thought about Arun's insults on me. I don't think I need that kind of toxicity.
Why is it that the people who you love and who are supposed to love you back are sometimes so hard to love and be with?
I sat down to chant but ended up checking social media. I did not go for my evening walk today because it's been an exasperatingly frustrating and hot day! I think I need rest.
I'll chant now and work on my novel.
The most important thing in life is to never give up and to always hope. So I haven't given up on Ma. But she has proven far too often that she is not here to be friends with me.
Also in terms of career I remain undaunted. Efforts will bear fruit! It's just a matter of time. To always strive the hardest that's the mantra!
Pa is so awfully quiet. He hides so many secrets.
I think I need to work on my resume.
I smoked 7 cigarettes today. That's a bit much!
I have to strive hard. Now is the time! My hardest. My best foot forward! Onward!
I am feeling:
Edgy
Slightly stressed
Hot
Sticky
Slightly tired
Slightly hurt
Slightly heavy-hearted
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
I am grateful that I have learnt to observe my thoughts and my feelings.
I am grateful for food, shelter, work and money.
I am grateful for loving relationships.
Love,
Me.
6 04 pm
Ps: I am not very happy with myself. I need to put in better efforts and rest more. I wish I had a better relationship with Ma.
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