I started my SSRIs again. I slept rather late last night. Around 1 am. I spent some time with Twi.
I woke up today at 6.48 am feeling groggy and drowsy. I saw a dream that I don't clearly remember. I drank my lemon honey juice and chanted and meditated. Then half in a daze I stepped out for my walk. I was feeling so tired today. I decided to take it easy.
I went to the Jain temple today. I've had 6 cigarettes so far. I did just about 10 minutes of yoga because I couldn't exert more.
I ate sabudana with egg and drank a cup of tea for breakfast. Then I bathed and wore my black and white chiffon top with blue trousers. Ma said I was looking nice. I really love my mother.
I lightly browsed through the news. Then I was just idling about and wrote a letter each to Dadu and Dimma. I have Dimma's softness and Dadu's grit and tenacity.
I had shaag and chickener jhol with rice with a mango.
I studied Daisaku Ikeda. Then after lunch I browsed through my journal. I went through a few old entries. I gathered that Arun left me just high and dry and diminished my worth in doing so. I'm actually happy with the space and the distance. Sometimes I think about him but the attachment is loosening. I think he was too flaky and a tad shallow and he did not handle my heart and my emotions with care. With all his limitations he did try and for that I give him credit. I expect that some day we shall talk but the old dynamic won't return. It'll be a brand new dynamic.
I think this evening I'll skip my walk again. Instead I'll go and spend time with Twi. One small time block for my novel is due.
I expect this year to pan out better than I expected. I'm far from the depression I experienced at the start of this year.
In naming my feelings and in observing my thoughts I feel more grounded and realistic.
I've been rather rude to people. I think I should pray about it. I should pray for clarity and forgiveness. Chanting keeps me happy.
I threw all my glutathione pills because they had expired. Need to purchase more.
I'll make myself a cup of tea and sit for a bit with my novel. Just a little effort. A tiny push is all I need. Just a little effort each day to accomplish this mammoth task.
I feel guilty about my delusions. I must always take my medication.
Ma has been in a reasonably good mood today. Melon and Kitoon are home.
Sometimes all one needs is some gentleness and if that is not forthcoming from the environment one needs to handle the self with gentleness and care. Love is all I need and money.
Today has been a day of rest and taking things lightly. I didn't push myself in any one direction today. I spent time with my journal.
I think I'm a fairly good writer. I write with feeling. My novel! I don't know how that is turning out.
Tomorrow too I won't go out to meet people. Two days of rest is good.
It's going to be a good good evening!
I am feeling:
Happy
Light
Sweaty
Tanned
Grounded
Realistic
In a writing mood.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
I am grateful for loving relationships of mutual trust, care, respect, love and compassion.
I am grateful for yummy food, a comfortable shelter, money and work.
I am grateful for clothes and yoga and walking and praying.
I am grateful for all the wonderful authors I read.
I am grateful for writing.
I am grateful for friendships.
Love,
Me.
4.18 pm
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