My mom was kind of unwell in May. And ever since then she has been losing her temper with me. Ive decided that I wont be scared of her and express myself to her. That's what Ive been told to do. But she erupts like a volcano! There is no middle ground.
I think my mother didnt want me to be born. When I was a small kid she used to tellme 'i wish you would die.' I grew up with her rage and her violence and her unhappiness. And somehow she has still not resolved those things. She hates some people wholeheartedly for making her life difficult. But I dont hate my mom. And that and dealing with her makes me very loving. My mother still harbours hatred towards so many people.
One should never hate. Hatred is a poison that can kill you. If she had just been more mature, gentler and wiser I would have been far happier. And im not like her. But I do get angry. You know that. And I wish I didnt.
Hows your wife at home? Does she have a temper? What kind of person is she? You showed me two photographs and I found her to be kind of cold-hearted. Is she? Am I wrong?
Dont tell me youll never keep in touch with me. What kind of a dynamic do you want to have with me? Whatever you want.
I want your existence. I want your presence in my life. I want to be friends. I want to be there for you. I want to support you. I want to care for you.
Im so sorry that I expressed my loving emotions to you. I know that upsets you.
Because we are not in a relationship.
It's very important to forgive people in your life. Not for that person but for you. If you cant forgive someone it makes you very bitter.
I carry the wounds inflicted by my mother.
Arun why did you choose some other woman over me? Why Arun? Were you so unhappy with me those days when I was deluded? Ill always take my medication. Thats what I learnt.
And Ill always love you but I wont tell you that.
Youll always be my sweetest heart. The declaration of my emotions really upsets you. I know that. And yet I made the same mistake.
Did you really call me all these days because you wanted to be considerate? Thats so sweet of you. I feel very sad without you in my life. I go into a clinical depression. I think Ill keep up writing letters to you all my life.
My shonapie. My babypie.
Chalo! Now Ill just go and meet a friend downstairs, banter, have a cigarette and go to sleep.
Love,
Doel
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