I just read something interesting and I want to record my thoughts on it.
When you judge someone and you condemn that person based on hatred, jealousy, envy, anger or any other negative emotion, you become just like that person.
If you judge someone for being poor, you will become poor. If you judge someone for being incompetent, you will exhibit incompetence. If you hate someone for being fat or ugly you will become fat or ugly.
This is why wars like between Israel and Palestine, or India and Pakistan are so confusing. The two enemies are just like each other. And if I hate Ma I will become like Ma, controlling and angry.
Love is the only antidote. Love is the only miracle. It is only love that can bring about a change.
Even though I feel angry I must not forget my huge reservoirs of love. I love my mother. I love my brother, trying as they are. I love.
I love everybody, including SaSe and Shanky.
When I left journalism and started pursuing theatre I used to judge my struggling friends. I got jobs easily while they were struggling with work and finances. I judged them as lazy. And now look where I am!
It is only benevolence that acts like a balm.
Yesterday SeeDhi told me that Im so like a gypsy living life on my own terms.
Anger is debilitating. Anger is a real poison that can kill you.
I really want to give up eating non veg. I feel bad for the animals I eat.
Where am I emotionally?
I feel the sexual urge a lot these days, especially towards Arun but I've decided that I'll never watch porn or masturbate. I only feel like doing that when I'm despondent. So there are better ways to be happy.
I feel like I should never cheat anyone in love and in finances so Ive been thinking that I HAVE TO pay back Arun his money.
I dont feel like trying towards Arun. He has expressed many times that he doesnt want a romantic bond. But I do love him.
I feel a lot of anger and hatred towards Ma. And I'm trying to understand that. She is controlling. She always has been all my life. But there is a way to tackle this with love and not with anger and hatred.
I bless my mother to be most loved and wiser. I bless her with beauty and joy and peace of mind. I bless her with pleasant emotions. I bless her with a long life with good health and good fortune. I bless her with absolute happiness.
I feel like my career needs a boost of good luck and good fortune.
I feel like I have some agency with my distance with Arun. I caused it and I feel sad about that even though he was the doer of the misdeeds.
I feel like I have to stop being lazy and critical and negative.
I feel like I have to uproot and destroy hatred in my being.
I feel like I have to be super rich and generous and give back to society.
I really want to quit smoking.
I think the insect in my dream that wanted to hurt my eyes was Ma. She wants to hurt my perception but I wont let her. I wish she was far far far more gentle and not so much like a man, aggressive and hurtful.
I feel like being able to perceive Ma as gentle even though she is not.
I feel like Arun is trying to let me go in his prayers.
I am feeling:
Sexual
Happy
Will go down and have a cigarette.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life.
Love,
Me.
4.12 pm
Ps: And with regards to Arun and Ma and my career and my finances and my love life, social life, and professional life I surrender everything to the greatest goodness and to God. May the greatest goodness guide me in all my circumstances and all my decisions. May I always ALWAYS be guided with and by love and not with hatred. There are many reasons to let Arun go. He rejected my love and cheated on me. It's not just what Ma is praying for. Arun is a bigger player in this. And he always says he doesnt want me. So I'll give that to him. May he live a healthy and happy life with good luck and good fortune.
TAurad has been messaging me. May I have the happiest life with maximum love.
4.44 pm
