I know you are not reading these letters because the stats on my blog show that.
But these letters are keeping me going, keeping me sane. I love you immensely. I do worship you even though you may not believe that.
Firstly, compared to other girls Ive faced a considerable amount of sexual violence. And my therapist says I suffer from abandonment wounds because my parents have failed to show up in crucial ways. And she says that the problem is because of the way I have been treated sometimes I abandon myself. And that's the real problem according to her in my life.
I think she is right. I give up so easily on you when things get tough, these days I dont try enough. Life has been good and happy but it has also been mighty tough. But then I tell myself that whose life has no problems? Everyone has problems.
That is why shona dont ever give up on your daughter Baby. A woman sometimes goes through problems that are unfathomable.
I dont want to lament. I practise forgiveness in my prayers and my prayers for myself and others do get answered.
A case in point is that I started praying for you to win an Oscar, and I prayed for Tillu, Nagesh and many of my friends. And Nagesh actually got nominated for an Oscar! Isnt that wonderful? That all you need to do is first pray.
From all you tell me I know my prayers work their magic in your life too. Firstly I want to appreciate you. Many many of my friends have been telling me of their financial struggles through these tough times during the advent of AI. And as I understand things are really tough. And through these times you are working so hard and doing so well! You really are a man of mettle. I love you for that. I feel that you are quite the man.
Ever since I fell in love with you each day whether Im shattered or whole, you, precious you, you are always on my mind. I pray for you and my loved ones a lot. I want to see you lifting that Oscar and I have your back as you are doing it.
And these days I believe in black magic but I dont feel powerless against it because I know I can do something about it. Because if you can bless people and wish them well in your prayers, you can also wish them ill and curse them.
I dont know if you remember. But Ill repeat this story. So before we started practising Buddhism as a family I had a pretty unhappy family. There was violence with my mother always bickering and my parents fought a lot. It was in such a time that my father started following a Tantrik Godman. This man used to come home and take me to a room all alone and do all sorts of things to me. Finally, one day he molested me as I understood and I ran out of the room. I was studying in Xaviers at that time. And as this was happening he cursed me. He looked into my eyes, blew his breath on me and said: Tera kuch nahin hoga. We met him for over a decade.
I raked up a storm and my father till today doesnt believe this actually happened. But he stopped seeing the man. That was my victory.
My kundli is awesome. Im supposed to be very wealthy and famous and enjoy marital bliss according to my horoscope. Im supposed to do well in the media. And despite that I dont try, I feel so listless and everything for a long time seems to be going downhill despite my dashas and mahadashas being favourable. And sometimes I wonder that does this man still curse me? Is this some sort of curse? And that is why I take my prayers so seriously. And I also pray for you wholeheartedly and I practise forgiveness.
I was sexually abused as a child over a long period of time. Ive had more sex than I wanted to. My exes were promiscuous much against my will.
And then came you. I fell in love with you and you never took advantage of me sexually. Do you think I can forget that in any lifetime? I actually seriously dated you because of your soft mount of Venus. And I was not wrong. Palmistry works! You only treated me with love and care and held me so gently-- I'll never forget that. And I cant be with any other man but you.
But I dont want to pressure you. Not one bit. I respect your choices. Youve told me quite clearly that you wont leave Janak. I can understand that.
I want you in my life. And I promise you I will try to contain my feelings. It's exactly 3 pm.
Ill try my level best that you dont feel any pressure. I want us to be friends and I promise in return Ill try to contain my feelings.
I havent quite been able to forgive this tantrik. Everytime I think about him (which is not a lot) I feel terrible. This was a bad phase of my life. So Im feeling really emotionally exhausted now and I'll end this letter.
Someday hopefully you will open this blog and read this letter. And hopefully soon we will be on talking terms again! Please dont cut me out from your life. I love you. And I respect all your decisions and all your choices.
Have an amazing birthday shweetest pie! Enjoy your life. And have a great day!
I had puris with paneer makhani for lunch. Hope you ate well.
Love,
Doel
3.08 pm
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