I sent Arun a record volume of messages! It'll overwhelm him but I needed to get it all off mychest. Hopefully he will read the messages.
Im no fool. I know he cheated on me. And in sending him so many messages I let him go. I got my closure.
I really want him to find love-- a simple beautiful woman who he wont need to lie to or betray. I want him to be happy.
I dont think I want to date anybody.
Many unpleasant things happened today like Ma lashing out at me and me waking up to Arun's messages saying he is done with me.
Im so happy I said it all today.
Ive kind of lost love for Arun. He has put me through so much pain that I dont want to date him again. But I still love him-- his eyes, his nose, his dark skin, his hair, his smell, his charms, his love... I had the time of my life with him. Those days are beautiful memories.
And they will never come back.
I dont know why I had the desire to tell Arun so many things but he will find love, I know that-- a nice girl who wont take advantage of him.
I really want to move on from him. No other man interests me. DiPan told me today that may be this is protection. She told me how she was cheated upon.
Sex is such a banal thing. It makes you hurt people. It makes people go astray. It makes people cheat. I think Ill sacrifice sex.
I think the situation with his wife is irreparable and frankly, if I was just his friend and not his ex I would have told him to get divorced. Both he and his wife must be so unhappy together. And I dont want to be unhappy so I dont want to date him.
I really dont want him to hate me for sending so many messages. My heart is wounded. It's actually shattered into a million little pieces. But Im not bitter... it will become whole again... and hopefully I'll also find love some day-- someone nice, someone who is not promiscuous, another Arun or even better.
I cant think of being with any other man.
I think I told him too many things today. I dont want him to hate me.
I hope he wakes up happy after seeing sweet dreams.
I think Ill live life without sex. It'll take some getting used to but it'll be for the best. So then I wont need to date anybody. Next time a guy hits on me or asks me out Ill just tell him Im asexual.
I know my heart will feel love again. And I really dont want Arun to hate me.
Im never having sex ever. Ill remain celibate.
It's not honour or anything... i think I'll be perfectly fine. Today I actually took the first step to move on from Arun. Ive offcially and really let him go today.
I wont bind him. Ill let him be.
Life is such a funny thing. Experiences are so myriad in design. And love is so painful. And anger hurts. My heart feels shattered.
And there is no turning back.
I want to be happy. I dont want to get depressed. And I want Arun to find someone because he cant live without that.
I have my God to talk to.
Life will be kind to me.
I am feeling:
Happy after feeling sad all day
Shattered
So glad Ive got closure from Arun
Thinking that i should take my writing seriously
I have no hope of getting back with Arun again. I dont think he'll show me any mercy
But God will show me mercy.
It's all about the money. People love you if your career is going well and if you have money. May I be flooded with abundance and everything good in life.
The Arun chapter in my life has permanently shut.
Love,
Me.
1.32 am
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