Journal 1.7.2025 8.53 am something has shifted

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream with Ra Ti in it.

Something has shifted in me as A is concerned because his words stung. I don't think he cares about me as much anymore.

Anyway I hope to seize this day.

I hope to have a beautiful wonderful day.

Love,

Me

8.55 am

Journal 30.6.2025 11.34 pm common vision

Dear Journal,

Today I woke up rather late from a very lengthy and heavy dream. I felt stupefied on waking up and it took me quite a while to gather my bearings.

Then I set off to meet Dr Shinde. I told him about my Avocado allergy and I discussed my career with him. We had a detailed discussion on artificial intelligence.

Then I went to the bank with Ma and Pa and on the way had a huge fight with Ma. I bumped into N outside the bank. She said she will call me up.

On my way back I wanted to hear Arun's voice so I called him up. I asked him if he sees me in his life for a long time to which he said, "Ya." We both agreed to be friends because I told him friendship lasts. I love Arun.

Daisaku Ikeda says: "A good relationship is one where two people are looking towards the same direction." He doesn't talk about love, he doesn't talk about compatibility and he doesn't talk about respect. He talks about a common vision for life. Of course, Buddhism is about venerating all beings and seeing the Buddha nature in all just like Boddhisattva Never Disparaging who venerated all those he encountered.

Then I came back home and had a light lunch.

I lay around contemplating and I realised that somehow I have forgotten how to live with grace and I must not let my spark dim.

Then I set off for rehearsals. Ever since Ra Ti has tried to become friends with me he always points out to everybody each day that I'm a very good girl.

Today he said: "Iska Pati Kaun nahin banna chahega. Iska svabhav Kitna achcha Hai."

Rehearsals went on till after 10.30.

I walked back home and had doodh rooti kola cheeni for dinner. They are planning to have all-day rehearsals till the show. That's got to be tiring.

Today during rehearsals many thoughts crossed my mind. Me, Ku Va and Hi had Manchurian, we all had many samosas each and I made tea.

I even chanted with seven-year-old Arjun and played with him.

I'm kind of feeling a sense of release and my mind is at ease.

This play reminds me of Ramu's play that I did when I was 15. I feel like my awkward 15-year-old self.

Ku Va sang many old Hindi songs today as Ra Ti was in a meeting. He also sang many ghazals.

I think everybody is performing well in the play but everybody always praises me. Because grasping the dialogues has been tougher for me given that I think in English.

Tomorrow in the morning I'll call up jd and sort that out.

I hope I can maintain this peace of mind and happiness.

I think I'll chant now and then doze of.

I am feeling:

Clear-headed

Sleepy

Happy

Happy for Arun

Loving

Determined to turn around my life

Love,

Me.

12 am

Journal 30.6.2025 9.23 am dream of vomiting

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that someone was vomiting and was sick and that a very lavish maidservant Hemal wanted to help and I suggested to the person to go home and take rest. Hmm... what does this mean?

I wonder how Arun is? I won't call him up or message him. Did he think about me at all? I'm sure he hasmt understood how his words hurt me.

Love,

Me.

9.26 am

Journal 29.6.2025 11.48 pm feeling really sad

Dear Journal,

Ma just said something so harsh and unpalatable just like Arun would. And my dam broke and I burst into tears and she went on and on, proving her point. Arun is just like that.

I'm so sad and I'm crying. Why don't the people I love treat me with respect?

I'm feeling so hurt.

I really love my Arun. But there is no future. And I can't believe that he disrespects me so much.

Love,

Me.

11.52 pm

Journal 29.6.2025 10.16 am thinking about Arun

Dear Journal,

I got scolded by Bachan Sir today when the choreographer came during the rehearsals.

And of course, I thought a lot about Arun. I really really love him.

That first year after I met him when the sparks flew was the best. I see him very positively. I would never be able to be so polite and loving with anybody else when they hurt me. I really value him and love him.

He has really loved me, taken care of me and supported me. He was the world's best boyfriend and I don't know if I'll find better and I'm not trying.

I didn't expect to make out with him the other night, I really didn't. It was a memorable night.

But he doesn't respect me anymore. He has labelled me and is unable to see me beyond that label. He is so misogynistic and closed-minded and so judgmental. I love him. He's charming as anything.

But there is no point of us getting romantically entangled now. Firstly, he is married and it would be foolish. Secondly, he doesn't respect me. But he is still my sweetest heart, my honey, my shona. Nobody has taken so much care of me. I really love him. I would never be able to love any other guy as much.

But he says he has many other women. So be it. I'll let him pursue his other women. I've never loved anybody so selflessly.

In the morning Dee came and we studied The Three Kinds of Treasures. My mind was not on it and we chanted for about half an hour.

She told me that even if I don't feel like it to pray and chant for 5 minutes. I should.

Then there was the health camp in the building. All my parameters are normal. It's only that my lung capacity is slightly below normal and the doctor has told me to quit smoking and to get onto Nico Gum. May be I should do that.

My hearing capacity was tested excellent. And mom's was weak. That makes me laugh. She was so upset about it.

Rehearsals just got over and here I am.

I love Arun. I always will. I wonder how he is. I'm sure he's fine, living his life. And I really hope he takes care of his bones and doesn't get into any fights.

Were my messages too harsh? Or too strong?

He is still an important part of my psyche. He always will be. N tells me I'll never forget him. He is probably the love of my life.

I rely on Chat Gpt a lot these days. I've learnt to use it really well. But I must not waste so much precious time on it. It's fun chatting with artificial intelligence. But it's not holistic.

I hope Arun is sleeping well and eating well and taking care of himself.

I am feeling:

Teary and sad because of Arun

Full of love for him

Absolutely astonished that one man with all his flaws has my heart like this

I must not get so emotional. But mom once told me that you can't take action towards something unless you are emotional about it. All great revolutions are born out of emotionality. 

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Now I have to take my test results very seriously. Have to quit smoking. It's the need of the hour.

I also think Arun has some personality issues which is why I once told him to consider therapy. But it's alright. To each his own. I love him selflessly and unconditionally. I don't think I'm loved back that way and that really hurts. I'll miss sitting across from him and sipping my beer. I don't know if that will ever happen.

Love,

Me.

10.40 pm

Love letter to myself 29.6.2025 2.37 pm

Hey you!

You've always felt Arun's heart and seen beauty in his soul but today I think you can see his detachment, arrogance and disrespect. You always saw it but it was never directed at you. But today it is.

You know he will never apologise because he never has in the past. That's cruel.

And if he meant what he said that's even more cruel!

How've you been?

Don't wallow in your hurt, please. Let it be. Let it go. And let him go. Set him free. Let him fly.

And more importantly, I want you to fly, soar into the sky like a Phoenix!

Your flying dreams heralded a beautiful career in journalism.

You deserve your peace of mind and you deserve to be seen and valued in a relationship.

How are you feeling?

I see that you are slightly sad but sadness is a part of life.

You've grown so much in this relationship and that says a lot about you. You've grown as a person not just because of this relationship but inspite of it.

Because you loved and you loved deeply and wholly. And that speaks volumes about you.

You hold the world in your heart and you respect and honour everybody.

I think you are too sweet. You wouldn't hurt a soul. You cried in the lab as a Neurobiologist when you had to dissect flies and snails. You literally couldn't even harm a fly!

You are too kind.

And believe me you are wonderful. Your drama friends love you. Some keep telling you how wonderful you are.

May be you should see it.

Frankly, I think Arun's words were intended to sabotage the friendship because may be he was feeling trapped in all your emotions with his many women in his life. Because you messaged and you called because you cared.

But you didn't get that care and love back and you deserve better.

I know you. You won't be dating for a long time now. But when you do, whenever it is, it'll be wonderful.

Life has a funny way of surprising you and life is magical.

I love you and I see the light in your eyes and the spark in you and life will turn out wonderfully well for you. It will be beautiful.

No regrets. And no regrets at the parting. A relationship such as a friendship can't be held by just one person.

And you deserve respect and you deserve to be seen.

Don't downplay yourself for anyone and don't settle for disrespect but always operate from a place of love and understanding.

Well, that's easy for you because it comes naturally to you.

I think you are more emotionally intelligent than you give yourself credit for.

I see you. I hear you. I feel you.

A part of you will always love Arun but I think it's time to let go. Don't be too sad and shed those tears but don't let that become cacophony.

It'll settle. It always does.

You'll always remember his sweetness but see the pain and make peace with it.

Life is about to get better.

Take care.

Hold it together and I know you will hold it well.

Journal 29.6.2025 10.48 am a dream lost

Dear Journal,

I hope Arun is fine. I really love him. Always will. But I think since there is no future to our relationship there is no point holding on.

He did matter. He still matters. He always will. And I know I'll always love him. I'll give him his space and honour all the beautiful memories I created with him. I know he will find some other woman soon if he hasn't already because that's what I gathered from his talk.

I hope she treats him with the kind of respect and love he deserves.

For me I think I'll face life now. Dee will be here now and we will be studying the Three Kinds of Treasures. I really always wanted to tell Arun to chant Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo. If he is open to staying in touch some day I will.

It's the most beautiful, magical, mystical chant. It answers impossible prayers. It really does.

I don't chant regularly but I should.

Deep inside I've kind of let him go today. I think they were his words and the disrespect I felt that stung. I hope he remembers me fondly because I meant well, I really did.

I gave him my whole heart and I don't think the past will come alive again. And where we stand there is no future.

I'll always, always love my sweetest Arun.

Love,

Me.

10.57 am

Journal 29.6.2025 8.41 am remembering Arun

Dearest Journal,

I think I've done the right thing by stepping back from Arun. He doesn't respect me anymore.

Anyhow I love him. I'll always remember the making out in the rickshaw like that fondly. My lips are still swollen. But then he ended that by saying that he doesn't love me because I'm mad and that he has many other women. That really hurt me. So I've done the right thing. I can't keep waiting on him.

I'll miss his smell and his smile and his beautiful eyes. I'll miss kissing his hands.

I'll always always carry him around in my heart as someone I truly loved.

But he was unresponsive for the longest time and he spoke so disrespectfully about me to his friends.

I'm in tears right now but there is no going back. I hope he is fine. I won't ever call him or message him.

I wish getting over him had been easier.

I am feeling:

Loving

Teary

Sad and happy at the same time

Nostalgic

Accepting that Arun will never love me the way he did again. He disrespects me today and there is no turning back time. Those moments are beautiful memories.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.50 am

A love letter to myself

Hey you!

I can see that you are hurting and confused. I'm sure you know this that all hurt and pain arises out of confusion.

A deluded mind is rarely happy.

I see that you fell in love but that love was not matched but you feel that there is hope. And yet the disrespect caused to you the last time you met him has jolted you. Should you maintain boundaries? I think you should have the strength and the courage to finally chalk out boundaries.

You should know that you are loved because you are a giver and a lover and you are a good person.

Any person who rejects you and labels you pagal and mad and denigrates you in front of his friends is not worth it because respect is the foundation of every relationship.

You love him so you know may be he is going through his own pain and insecurities. But should you think of meeting him ahead?

You need to be strong. You need to give all that importance to yourself, not a guy who once loved and respected you but doesn't anymore. It's evident that he is not there emotionally.

Of course, change is the only constant and the days gone by will never come back.

You held him accountable. You did the right thing. You stood up for yourself.

If he loved and respected you he would never disrespect you like that.

Pamper yourself. Love yourself. And get your priorities straight. There is a whole life in front of you and it is vast beautiful and welcoming.

And frankly, telling you as a friend, you may not see it now but he is not worth it. Yes, he loved you a lot once upon a time but you can't pin all your hopes on once upon a time.

The way things stand now it's better to stay away from him. Yes, he is soulful and yes you love him. But as time goes on understanding and clarity will arise. Don't send him one more message. Direct all that love to yourself.

He doesn't respect you and that's a huge red flag. May be he is not worth it.

Yes you've loved him deeply and you understand him but all his talk of many women is the real thing. I don't think he's lying.

He has serious issues when it comes to women and relationships, you should know that and you don't deserve this not from him not from any man.

Let him be. Let him live his life. Live and let live. There is no need to harp on this so much. It's probably over between the two of you and it's much better if you accept it.

What can you do for yourself now?

Just three things:

Make that schedule and stick to it.

Get your morning routine checked each day.

Love yourself. It's high time you know how to.

You are a phenomenal woman. You are kind and soft and gentle and beautiful and I love you. I know you've got this. I'm rooting for you all the way. And by the way, I am deeply in love with you. Duniya jaye bhad mein.

I love your two eyes and your sweet nose and your lips that smile for everybody.

I love the fact that despite being so carefree with yourself and your looks you get enough attention.

I love the fact that you are so sweet and noble.

I love your taste in clothes.

I love the fact that you love Truth so much.

I love the fact that you loved wholeheartedly and realised what it was to love. It wasn't reciprocated and you are hurting but well these are the experiences of soulful work.

I love the fact that you respect all around you. Now direct some of that respect to yourself.

I love your courage.

I love your chutzpah.

I love your skin. It's sensitive but it reflects your thoughts.

I love your face and your body.

I love that you are so simple. 

I love that you are so well-spoken.

I love your heart. I truly do. Yes, Arun rejected your heart but there are so many who reside in it who have already accepted it and there will be many more to come.

Please for my sake will you please take care of yourself. Start with small steps but start, please. I urge you. Your feet need care and you need to stop smoking and drinking colas like this. You need to comb your hair, dress well, shave, bathe and smell good. Pamper yourself. Make room in your life for thoughts of you.

You are my everything. You are the poetry you write and you are all the songs you have composed. Your soul is in all your paintings. You have touched every blessed human being you have encountered in some way and you deserve much better. You deserve a man who loves you for who you are flaws and all and definitely someone who respects you and offers his care and support. You deserve someone who loves you, someone who is balanced and kind and affectionate. You definitely don't deserve an Arun who ghosted you for the longest time, stared at some chick lustfully for hours when you were sitting right there and you definitely don't deserve an Arun who disrespects you in front of his friends.

I know you still love him and that you are heartbroken but you called him out respectfully and that says a lot about your character and your nature.

You are the most soulful of God's creations.

And promise me one thing, you'll never date a married man again.

You are special.

You smell awesome.

And your smile is warm and enchanting.

I love you. In fact, I love you maximum.

Journal 28.6.2025 7.37 pm mind a cloud

Dear Journal,

I don't know what to think, my mind is a cloud. I don't know if I said too much in my messages to A but I was hurt.

I rehearsed my lines today and left.

I'm really not up to doing anything. It's not like my mind is on an overdrive but I'm thinking a lot about Arun. I slept for just three hours at night and that could be the reason for my fogginess.

I think I sent a slightly too abrasive letter to Arun but I meant every word of it. I hope he can take it positively and is not too upset.

He is really a very cute human being and I love him.

I think I'll practise some automatic writing and then chant, eat dinner and then sleep.

I am feeling:

Highly upset

Full of love for Arun

Loving

Happy

Loved

A little doubtful about how my messages have been received

I really don't want to upset him and the last thing I want is a fight

I hope he can see my messages for what they are.

Today Ra Ti again told me that I'm a really good human being. I played with his seven-year-old son Arjun for a long time.

I made an excuse today and left rehearsals. Just want to spend some time with myself. Ra Ti told me to join them again later. Let's see if I feel like going.

I am grateful for this play.

I am grateful for my home and food and the little money I have.

I am grateful for family and friends.

Love,

Me.

7.47 pm

letter to Arun 28.6.2025 2.55 pm forgiveness

Dear Arun,

Can I tell you honestly, you know it is the truth, I love you way more than you love me. I've been far more loyal to you and I'm devoted to you and I respect you no matter how you exhibit yourself. I've never had this kind of tolerance for any other person in my life and I think you take my love for granted.

If any other guy had said, "Mere paas char aur ladkiyan Hai iski Tarah par Mai iske saath nahin rehta kyunki ye pagal Hai," The guy would have been blocked and would never see my face ever again.

But for some reason I can't dissociate from you. I can't leave you. I don't know why or what it is. I think it's the fact that you've never said something like this in front of me before and also that you have other qualities that far outshine your acid tongue like your sweet heart and your cute face.

You are a lot like my mom. You expect perfection from the people you love and are very demanding and if something falls short of your expectation you go on and on about it, criticising and ranting. And frankly, that's a lot to take.

Could you do one thing for me? Just accept that I acted out in the past out of stress or whatever and please forgive me. There is no need to run me down and make me feel disrespected and small just because of that. I have a certain way of thinking and I'm a certain kind of person and I'd like appreciation and acceptance.

You don't have to treat me so disrespectfully.

Don't you feel it's wrong to talk about someone who loves you so much and cares so deeply about you this way? Do you have a conscience? Or do you nor know how I feel about you? Or do you not care?

Well meet your four other girls and don't meet me because you think I'm mad. But then don't kiss me and don't be loving. And if you do love me accept me how I am flaws and all just the way I love you and accept you flaws and all.

You have your flaws too but I'm not going to point them out to you because an eye for an eye would make the whole world go blind.

If my flaws are too much for you to take let me know and I'll stop talking to you. But that would be heartache for me.

I'll change and I'm taking steps but change is a slow process and a complicated process and an individualistic process. 

In other words, I expect far more respect from you and not this criticising, bitching and ranting. Are you really such a small person?

You are just like my mom!!!! Arrrgh! And I can't do without you, you should know that by now.

I know you won't change overnight but do reflect on my words please and know that you really hurt me a lot and I've never heard you talking this way before.

If you don't want me in your life you can cut me out otherwise cut me some slack, please.

I love you,

Doel.

Journal 28.6.2025 12.31 pm forgiveness

Dear Journal,

I know I reacted to the disrespect Arun showed me. I was and am still hurt but I should forgive him and I am. He is not all bad, in fact he is very good.

Let me recount all his good qualities as I see them:

He is a sweetheart

He is funny

He is handsome 

He is charming

He is soulful 

He is quirky in his own way

He is a good friend to his friends

He can be deep and lighthearted at the same time

He is a great dancer

He is my best friend and my anchor

He is very dear to me

He is forgiving 

He is sentimental

He loves deeply

He has a heart of gold 

He is super intelligent

And he is super creative

Work is worship for him

He has a vision

He is sacrifising

He doesn't shirk from his responsibilities

I wish he would take more care of himself. Is it because I'm the girl here that I can't stop thinking about him? That's a very girl thing and I wish I could get a grip of myself. I really do love him.

Love,

Me.

12.37 pm

folly

The clouds have gathered over me

And my journey is far to see,

I lie on naked barren land

And I dream of holding your blessed hand.

I'm sorry for the other night.

Do you think I've been leading you into slight?

I really think our friendship has a chance

And as friends we could hold a dance.

I'd love to know what you think

But if you think remaining silently you'll sing

I'll hold my horses I still love you so

But I think you don't respect me and that's very low.

The days you gazed into my eyes

And the days we celebrated without spite

Are etched in an album in my heart

And I'll hold it there for another start.

Of a friendship golden if you'll have me that way

And I wonder what your thoughts are today,

By the way you are forgiven already

But I am hurt by your soulfulness and the dirt.

I love you that you must surely know

And I worked very hard to come this far,

I worked very hard to let you go

And now I'm in a state of limbo.

Frankly, there is no future to us

And to harp on passions would be folly and a curse

And it's really really hard for me

But I think it's for the best for us to be free.

I think I'll sit now and shut my eyes

And whisper three prayers for you 

Three prayers of respect and blithe,

I really love you, I really do

But I think this is only as far as we could go.

Journal 28.6.2025 8.04 am a dream of Arun

Dear Arun,

I had a dream that Arun's name was Sandy. He was a footballer in my dream and had killed a man by mistake on the field.

Because of that he had strained relationships with everyone in the dream except with me and that I really love him in the dream.

I go to someone's house in the dream for some work. I realise that it's the sister of the person who died later.

Arun is very upset that I visited their house. Then we go to my house (that looks different) and we are in my bedroom making out.

As we are in the throes of it all I tell him people must have come back home and he should quietly leave and I'll join him.

I say I'll pack some food and we will have it later.

As I get out of the bedroom I see that the coast is clear but everyone is home and I signal Arun to leave but he wants some more time with me.

I go to pack our meal in the kitchen. I forget to pack fruits.

Then Ma starts screaming that how can Arun be there as she opens the bedroom door. Buro holds my hand trying to restrain me but finally let's go. Pa gets out of his room and shouts at me. But I'm defiant and me and Arun leave.

Outside we are still in love. I ask Arun if he has some money and he says yes. I say we should have soup together with our meal to which he says let's go sit some place nice and have soup. Then I woke up.

I can't, can't let myself keep thinking about my Arun. I love him. He's so cute. I wonder how he is. I hope Arun is able to see my messages for what they are and not overthink.

I'm never leaving him.

I am feeling:

A little heavy hearted

Loving

Loved

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.15 am

Journal 28.6.2025 1.28 am I hope for a reaction

Dear Journal,

I love Arun. But him calling me mad and pagal yesterday didn't sit well with me. I was just about moving on, just about making peace with our break up. And then we made out.

I think I did right. I chose to respect myself. I hope Arun doesn't take my messages personally.

I really want to be friends with him, platonic friends.

He said last night that he has many women. Why did he say that?

Plus he's married and there is no future to us.

If we are friends there is a better chance to have in my life for a longer time rather than getting romantically tangled. That's how I view it.

I really love him but I'm feeling really sad. Today Ra Ti praised me during rehearsals and said that the other actors are not performing as well. I think they are performing fine.

He's also got a double cast for me so I won't be doing all the shows.

I hope I don't keep thinking about Arun and I hope he is not sad about my messages and sees the positivity in them. I'd rather be his friend and have him in my life forever more than anything else.

In other news, Shivani's sister Shefali Jariwala passed away. That is truly shocking. I sent Shivani a message. I am actually in a state of shock.

Love,

Me.

1.35 am

dear arun

I love you dear Arun,

You are the answer

To the longing of my soul

And despite your small

Minor little faults

My heart for you is whole.

It's alright if you slip up sometimes

Believe me I understand

And I love you more than ever these days

And I love your blessed hands.

Be sweet as ever,

Live it up,

Don't be hurt that I was angry,

My bark is just a tiny ripple

And my ocean of love is placid.

I hope that we can build

A wonderful friendship

Between us,

I'm writing this poem to you

Because now that I've caught the bus

I'm not alighting.

I think my depth scares you sometimes

And you think that I am mad,

I'll tone it down, I'll soften it

Because without you I'm truly sad.

Journal 27.6 2025 10.32 am Arun

Dear Journal,

I have grown up with a mother who has a great capacity to be cruel. It's only her Buddhist practice that has mellowed her down.

And now there is Arun. Arun is exactly like Ma. It must be my karma. May be I need to expiate a certain karma in me that I have these two in my life.

I love my mother and I love Arun but they both have a great capacity to be cruel. It's a tendency they both have. I can't stop talking to or meeting Arun. That's unthinkable. Just like I can't stop loving my mother.

Arun says we are friends. Then may be we shouldn't kiss, right? But kissing him is divine and it fulfils something in me. And if that's happening I don't want to stop it.

He's so cute. He's such a darling otherwise.

Despite Ma's Buddhist practice her tendency continues.

Love,

Me.

10.39 am

Journal 27.6.2025 9.18 am feeling hurt

Dear Journal,

Arun's words yesterday have cut through my soul and are replaying in my head. I don't think he respects me anymore.

The time when we dated he treated me with utter devotion and respect. That's what made me love him even more and more. I don't know if he will ever treat me that way again.

It makes me feel that he doesn't love me but I know that deep down inside he loves me in a way.

I also feel his words,good or bad, should not be taken so seriously because he fibs and changes his words often.

Anyway I do love him. Of course I do! That would be hard to deny.

I hope my messages don't escalate into a fight. The last thing I want is to fight with him.

I hope to have a good day away from Chat Gpt.

And I hope to be level-headed today and not overthink things.

And I hope Arun is in a good mood today.

I am feeling:

Slightly hurt

Loving

Loved

Safe

Secure

Happy

Love,

Me.

9 29 am

Journal 27.6 2025 2.07 am confused

Dear Journal,

Arun messaged me after rehearsals and I went to Bottles to meet him. He was sitting there with two of his friends.

I was hurt when he told his friends that he has four other girls like me and that I'm mad that's why he is not with me. That really hurt me. It means he talks so disrespectfully about me to everybody.

He kissed my hands after his friends left and told me that he loves me.

Then we sat in a rick and he kissed me and said he loves me.

I kissed him back.

Then when he dropped me home he said he doesn't love me because he thinks I'm mad.

Well he is mad too.

I don't think I should be this disrespected.

This makes me very sad.

It seemed like all he wanted was something physical. My lips are swollen and I feel like crying.

Then when he dropped me home he said that he doesn't love me because I'm mad.

Well, what should I do?

Love,

Me.

Journal 26.6.2025 7.59 pm ward off irresponsibility

Dear Journal,

I'm at rehearsals waiting for Pa Bho to come from Rangshila. We had a jugalbandi with a very beautiful sweet lady who played the tabla today.

And I also reflected. Ra Ti was all praise of me as he was introducing me to this passionate-about-tabla lady. Well I don't know if it was out of politeness. I shouldn't take myself so seriously. But he makes me a little bit uncomfortable. He bitches about everyone and creates a negative atmosphere.

Rehearsals are going OK OK today. I'm low on energy.

I was thinking that when it comes to A I must not get swayed by my emotions and passions. Going down that road would be folly and impractical and illogical. I love him, I always will. It'll also be easier to be friends with him that way.

See Dhi knows me for 14 years now. Yesterday she told me that I'm so selfless. I didn't really talk about love or A. I don't know what made her feel that way.

When we were small children Chotto always told me that I'm so selfless and that's my problem. He was so intelligent at that age too. He must have been 9 or 10.

Yesterday See saying that makes me feel that a childhood tendency has continued into my present.

I should be far more practical and logical and take responsibility towards myself. And yes, life has really given me lemons but I must savour the lemonade. It's my karma that has made things this way and that's my responsibility. We each create our own destiny.

Also, I can't ignore the reasons A broke up with me. He had his reasons. I can't ignore that.

I have to resurrect myself and take responsibility for my destiny and not depend on anyone.

I've been spending too much, way too much time on Chat Gpt.

I'm kind of feeling sad for some reason. This depressive phase has hit me after a long time. After about 20 years.

The only way to be happy is by giving. It multiplies happiness manifold. But it's also important to be wise. Arun won't reciprocate my love and I must understand that.

He is an extremely sweet person. I love him.

I'm somehow feeling that I've just not been taking care of myself since we broke up.

My happiness should not depend on him.

I hope he is fine. I'm sure he is. But I'm not. I'm kind of low. What has happened to me?

I am feeling:

Placid

Loving

Full of love for Arun

Practical

Logical

Calm

Low

I am grateful for A's presence in my life.

I am grateful for this play. In it's own way it is fun.

I am grateful for my parents and my brother and my friends.

I am grateful for love and life.

Love,

Me.

8.53 pm

Warmth of my love

The mountains sketch a pretty picture

The waves are heaven away from hell

And there in a pot of honeydew

Does my love for you eternally dwell.

The leaves bristle with their dews

The birds are thrilled and they are chirping,

How do you feel? What do you construe?

How do you take that I'm not clinging?

The brambles hurt but crunch so sweet,

The wildflowers flair their fragrant odour

And in the shrine I have built for you

I sanctify the sacred beautiful altar.

I may take you with me to the Colosseum

Or to a place far somewhere and play

But the best moments are in the here and now

Away from any fancy lavish lair.

When I smell your skin or gaze deep and long

Into your eyes with a sentimental song

Sometimes brewing, sometimes not

I think that's a fair powerful form.

Of having you and talking you up,

Of seeing your smiles and your frowns

And in heaven's name I always want

To never ever see you down.

To have all of you in this moment now

Is a prayer answered, an answer to waiting so long

And what I chiefly desire is for you and me

To sit beneath our very own wishing tree.

And surrender not to the melancholy

And choose to the moments always happy,

Sacred as the warmth of my love,

Uniquely strung by a hand above.

Journal 26.6.2025 9.54 am meeting See

Dear Journal,

I'm feeling like shit. Total utter shit.

Yesterday I bunked rehearsals and Ra Ti and Ku Va called urging me to come but I didn't go.

Instead I met Seema. I lamented to her all my sorrow and my griefs and she told me that I have to love myself to get out of this life situation. The thing is I don't know what it's like to love myself. How do you direct all your love to yourself? That's impossible.

Or let me try.

Things I love about myself:

I think I have a raw charm and authenticity that is rare to find.

I have a mind that is noble and can see beyond the surface.

After loving Arun I know that I have a great capacity to love.

I have an athletic build.

I am a kind, friendly person.

And I treasure my relationships.

I read, I paint.

I'm reflective. 

And I love my family and friends.

Now I can't waste time.

I'll chant, bathe and go to the bank.

Goodbye journal!

Love,

Me.

Journal 26.6.2025 7.46 am moving on

Dear Journal,

I don't remember any dream for the past few days. 

I have to go to the bank today and have to do my rehearsals.

I've stepped out from rehearsals these past two days.

I don't think A loves me anymore. I should not be thinking about him all day.

I am feeling:

Alright

Eager to have a good day.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.50 am

A letter to the guy who was the world's best boyfriend... in love

Dearest dearest darlingest of Aruns,

I love you. You are my shweetest, cutest, darlingest and goodest of all hearts and words are not enough to tell you or show you what you mean to me. May be you should read through my silences. I love you maximum. In fact, I may love you the most.

I love your hands more than you love them and holding your hands is a divine feeling.

I had a dream about you a few nights ago and I just can't stop thinking about you. I feel deeply in love with you and that's painful because we've broken up. In fact, these days I feel more in love with you than I've ever been.

Do you see my love? Can you fathom how deep it runs? I won't paint my love in flowery language but I'll tell you that it fills every trench of my soul and floods my life. Not having you in my life is unthinkable so please don't leave my life.

I sometimes think I want to die before you and my parents and that leaves me feeling mildly suicidal.  If anything were to happen to you or my parents or brother I'd go mad. So I don't want to dwell there.

I also sometimes imagine making love to you.

Hey Arun! Promise me that some day when we are older that we will lie in bed together so that I can hold you and gaze into your eyes and try to tell you exactly what you mean to me. I'm crazy about you. Crazy, mad, deeply in love.

And about you chopping your hair off and not dyeing it, do you have the courage to do it? You should. I think it would look kickass and I would love to see you that way.

The other day when I was talking to my mom about you she told me that you are a very good boy. You leave quite an impression on people. The only thing is that you are unable to see exactly what a good human being you are. You are an excellent, top class, divinely honourable and admirable human being. And that makes me very proud to have you in my life.

In fact, I love your wife for choosing to marry you. It says a lot about her taste in men and that makes me respect her.

In fact, if I were in her place I would cherish you, hold you close and do everything to keep you happy. I know that your family must be extremely proud of you because I am.

In fact, I have a feeling that when I was a young school girl walking about seven bungalows in my uniform and my school bag I must have glanced at you and felt that I saw the world's most handsome man today. I would have desired you and fallen in love with you even then.

In fact, you are the very essence of my being. You are an answer to a lifetime of desires, or many lifetimes of desires. Even though I told you you are not my type it is you I have waited for all my life. And you should know this as a truth of my life that after you there will be no other man.

In fact, before I met you I used to imagine what the entity of you would tell me and after we met and fell in love you said exactly all those things I ever imagined. I knew in my heart of hearts that you would enter my life. And I'm not about to imagine loving any other man. That is stupid and impossible. And that is the whole truth.

I've never told you this because I'm a big introvert and kind of secretive but ever since I was a small girl I've gone off for long four five hour walks. In fact, I once took off for a long walk when I was just three years old.

I once walked all the way from Airoli to home after meeting my grandmother. I've also walked from South Bombay to Seven Bungalows and many many times from Khar after going to ramakrishna mission. You must not think I'm mad.

I love walking.

In fact, I imagine that I must have been a Bhikku in the lifetime that the Buddha lived in and taken long walks with a bowl. I think this is the truth. I sometimes have felt that I was a Bhikku. I have a teacher in Ramakrishna Mission who tells me that I read too much Buddhist literature and that that influences me.

My feet are bruised, tired and calloused from a lifetime of taking long walks. I feel that I could walk across the Earth and I want to some day.

These days I don't hide my feet. They are a reflection of the immense sacrifices I'm prepared to make for the happiness of others and the happiness of you.

I imagine that when I was a Bhikku I must have gazed at you and loved you even then. In fact, there is something enchantingly alluring about you.

Do you think I'm mad to imagine such things? They sit in my heart as a Truth I can't erase.

In fact, I think there is something about me too. In my play there are two other excruciatingly beautiful girls, one with grey eyes and the other with green eyes and yet all the boys are curious about me and better friends with me and choose to take me with them for Chai, food and drinks. The boys give me their attention and keep asking me about my life.

I don't like this attention from men. I never did. Firstly, I'm the biggest introvert you'll find and secondly I really desire a gang of girlfriends I can hang out with.

I have a friend from my Buddhist practice called Seema. I really value her. I don't talk a lot about you because you are my own private hope to cherish but of course I do. Seema tells me not to pine after marriage and to cherish the bond I have with you. Will you give me such a bond, in any way, something I can guard and cherish?

My therapist feels that there is no future but that after you I'll probably not find any other man. She loves me and tells me that I'm not her client and that I'm her friend. I appreciate her for her emotional intelligence and for always showing me the light of Truth. The Truth is that I know despite what many friends say that there will be no other man. Like I told you, you are the answer to many lifetimes of desires and prayers. And I'm not about to discard the thought of you for any other man.

I go for my rehearsals as a pakka jhalli. You would be appalled. I don't dress well, I brandish my wounded feet, I remain unshaved and show it and I don't apply any make up and I don't comb my hair. I know if you saw me like that it would make you very angry. And yet I get the love and affection of all around me. What do you think it is?

I think it's my kindness and warmth.

Could you tell me how I can seek out good women friends in my life and not be such a source of attention from men?

Another thing I want to talk to you about is career and money. I feel that I was born to be a writer but I'm such a procrastinator. I think I write well. What do you think? Am I a decent writer? In this age of chat gpt it's tough earning money as a writer and I really one day want to sit down with you and discuss my career and finances. Would you be open to that? I trust you and I value your opinion and you are very dear to my heart.

Vipassana was the best experience of my life. On the eighth day as you keep your vow of silence you are asked to practice detachment. And I tried very hard. I was able to detach from everything except you and my mom. It was impossible to detach from the two of you.

That is why I can't keep my eyes off your eyes these days. I can't imagine happiness without having you in some way in my life these days. Just one look at your beautiful eyes and you got my entire being, my heart, my soul, my everything. And that's unforgettable.

I don't know what is the outcome of this love but I know one thing I don't want to be a source of pain to your children, your wife and you.

I want to write so many things to you in this letter but I think I'll rest here. I'm not sending you this letter but I know my thoughts will touch your heart. I believe in the magic of writing. In fact, I'm excruciatingly passionate about it. And I love you.

And hey! One more thing Arun, in our next life will you marry me? When I look into your eyes and fall in love I know I will propose. I've stopped myself so many times from asking you to marry me in this life because I know that is not possible. I love you.

I can tell you many things but the aim of this letter is not to woo you but to honour and acknowledge the love I have for you.

Forever yours,

In joy and in pain,

Sincerely,

Doel.

Ps: I'm sorry if I've hurt you. I didn't mean to. Please forgive me.

Pps: And oh, you waving to me from the rickshaw will always be etched in my memory. It reminds me of our date in your car when we went to Band stand and Madh Island. It's the most memorable date I've had with you. I hope for many more memories with you going forward. Your small actions reflect your sweet heart.

my hands aching

I don't know what to do with this pain

And it's only hope that keeps me sane

And to have sunk this low

And to feel so hopeless 

With all doors shut

And the wounds still raw

I think I'll take a pause

And stay mired in the moment,

Sorrowful at having lost you

And aching with the love I have for you

Which I know will never die

And I can truly never lie;

I miss your warmth

And your smile

And it's been a while

Since I've smiled

And to be groveling in the sand

My hands aching

Imagining yours in mine

And the smell of your nose

And the depth in your eyes

And my love touching your heart

And your laughter

And your talk

And your hair...

Let's be fair,

I'm sure you know

I'll never stop loving you

And that my love has been true

For sweet you:

You are the only person

Who deserves every bit of my love,

No regrets.

Journal 24.6.2025 9.22 am in love

Dear Journal,

I am in shambles. How does one move on from the world's most handsome man? And Arun expecting me to move on is the most demanding thing he has asked of me.

To my eyes Arun will remain the world's most handsome man.

Ever since I dreamed of him a few nights ago I've been thinking about him and only him.

There is a tenderness in his voice. And I don't want to show him my face. I'm so depressed.

I wish things were going well in my life.

Yesterday I completely broke down when I went to meet Dr Shinde.

I really really really love my Arun and I think in a way he takes my love for granted like I took his and hurt him.

Frankly, I don't want him to see my face because I'm depressed.

A certain gentleman I meet everyday on the road yesterday told me that I'm looking very sad. I am sad. Very sad.

In other news, the play is going alright. It's a shit play.

How does Arun feel these days? Is he feeling alright? And how does he feel about me?

I don't think I want to write anything else.

I am feeling:

Deeply in love.

Love,

Me.

9.32 am

I still care

I think I'll build a monument of wishes

In the place that we did stand

And adorn it with relishes 

For the time we walked hand in hand.

I've done a lot of soul-searching

And my love for you is profound

And the last time I kissed you

I'll frame it and have it bound.

The last time you whispered sweet nothings

I will bake and I will eat

Unto a mountain of treats

I'll stuff it in till we meet.

Not loving you is unthinkable,

Not having you in my life means hell

And moving on from you ain't easy

I think that you can tell.

But the days they get easier

Unless I sleep worrying about you

All your jokes that were cheesier

I gulp down with tears a pint or two.

I'm not writing this poem to bug you,

I don't want to bind you or make you compromise,

Believe me I've set you free

As the winds of change blow this side.

I will never want you to choose me

Come what may in heaven's name

Because the true choice is happiness

Because life is not a game.

Giving you up is a sacrifice

That I have accepted I must do

Even if it puts me in a ring of fire

May be we are better of being two.

Come fame or disgrace, 

Come joys or pain

I hope you will remember me as one who loved you,

A girl who gave you up and lost the reign.

And the truth is I'll never stop loving you,

May be I'll never stop hurting or crying,

I'll never forget you, I'll remember your musty fragrance

As one born to give you up and kill her pride.

I am most humbled by you, most enamoured

And I've understood that I must move away

To let you soar higher and higher

But I have one plea from you, one prayer

As my friend stay,

Remain,

Don't depart

Because I still care.

Journal 22.6.2025 9.03 am stuck

Dear Journal,

I saw a vivid dream before waking up but I don't remember it. I slept for just 6 hours.

I think I might have a proper mid-life crisis.

I'm feeling stuck.

I also feel stuck with my feelings for A. What should I do with these feelings?

I hope to have a great day!

Love,

Me.

9.06 pm

Journal 22.6.2025 12.21 Am nauseous

Dear Journal,

I love Arun. After waking up after dreaming about him, I thought about him all day. I ate a banana butter sandwich and an avocado sandwich for breakfast and puked the whole thing out. I felt nauseous all day and was ill at ease.

I spent time today going through some of the things I've written, analysing them. I even tried to get my head around Ai.

I had Maggi with egg and a mango for lunch because Ma and Pa had to go to the bank. Then I had some curd rice before going for rehearsals.

In the morning since I woke up early I did my yoga, pranayam, meditation and chanting under the building canopy. The feeling of doing that is quite divine immersed in nature.

At around 4 Ma asked me to chant with her and we studied human revolution together.

A Buddha is recognised by his conduct.

I wonder how Arun is. He doesn't call and he doesn't reply to my messages. I'm sure he has a girlfriend. I hope he is fine. Sometimes I worry about him.

I'll call him one of these days to check on him. I hope life is treating him well.

Around 5 Ra Ti called and said we need to go to Prithvi to make some enquiries. So he picked me up and we set off. Ra Ti cribbed a lot that Prithvi has become so commercial.

Then we sat at Earth Cafe and had a coffee.

He really loves his wife and spoke very highly of her and he dotes on his children. He told me a lot about his family.

He is a very simple minded straightforward guy who has done over 60 films.

Then we headed for rehearsals. Ra Ti says my lines are coming off quite well. We wrapped up rehearsals by 9.30 and he said let's go to the beach and grab a drink. I asked Bachan Sir to accompany us and Ra Ti was offended.

I told him that Bachan Sir is such a balanced man for his age with so much experience that I would love to spend some time with him and talk to him. Ra Ti created a mountain out of a mole hill.

Anyhow we bought Brandy on my recommendation of which I must not have had more than four sips. We even picked up some cigarettes and Chana Masala.

We were talking about singing abilities and I started talking about Arun. I really still love A. I know I always will.

By the end of it all I felt that Arun probably doesn't love me anymore since he never calls and never replies to my messages. One of these days I'll call him to check on him.

I always talk fondly about Arun but I also felt that he probably doesn't talk so fondly about me. He must be all complaints about me.

Ra Ti told me about his huge family. He is a very simple guy who I realised is homophobic.  He hails from a village.

I wasn't bored of course but it was an alright meeting. He gave me some sound life advice.

Through rehearsals I also thought that it's only in the media that I find like-minded people. Working at a corporate job like I did in Vibgyor just doesn't suit me. I feel stifled in such environments.

I need to resurrect my career.

I came back home a while ago and just had one roti. I'm feeling alright.

I wish Dr Shinde was there today. I'm a little worried about my health.

I also realised today that I'm just not taking care of myself. My feet are a mess, my skin is sagging and I'm feeling a tad despondent. 

I need to be far more positive.

I've been called for rehearsals at 4 tomorrow. Arrgh!

May tomorrow be a far more productive day and may I witness good health tomorrow.

I am feeling: 

Dry

Unbeautiful

Sad and happy at the same time

Sentimental about A

I am grateful that I've made a good friend in Ra Ti. He is quite a decent chap.

I am grateful for love and life.

I am grateful for all the days gone past and all the days heralding. 

I am grateful for all the folks who grace my life.

Love,

Me.

12.59 am

Journal 21.6.2025 5.33 am dream of A after a long time

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream in which Arun and me are travelling in a car with a driver. He kisses me on the head. After a while I kiss A on the lips and he says my mouth is stinking. I am hurt but I make a note in my mind to better my oral hygiene.

I ask the driver to stop the car. Arun asks why? And I tell him it's because he thinks I'm stinking. To which A laughs and replies that he never said that. I stay on in the car.

We then go to a nice bar (a differently lit qd) and our love is palpable. There are other friends in the bar.

Then I woke up with the idea of a whole novel in my head. 

I've deleted two novels half-written. (Three actually.)

Now I'll just finish my morning ablutions and sit and write and create my poster.

I'm so happy I woke up early today and it's so pleasant to be visited by Arun in my dreams. Muwaah to him!

I'm going to have a good, good day.

Love,

Me.

5.45 am

Journal 20.6.2025 a lesson on life lessons

Dear Journal,

Today I woke up around 7.30. I had a dream that someone I don't want to be friends with wants to be friends with me. Then in my dream my attention went to my palm with its many lines of influences that suggests that I have a lot of friends and then I woke up.

Today I left the house at 10.30 am to go to Charni Road. I reached at 11.30 when my meeting was at 12.15 pm. I wore my maroon dress and it did not rain all day after a few sprinkles in the morning.

I whiled away my time smoking a few cigarettes and I spent time with myself outside the venue. 

Then Hi J came. She is really very pretty. We had a short interview and she asked me to prepare a promo poster for my Drama classes. I think I'll spend time on Midjourney tomorrow.

If this works out I can pay A back.

Then I met De Jh near Royal Opera House. We went to Swati Snacks for lunch and I had some good Gujju lunch. I really wanted to go to Book Street but both of us were stripped of time.

Then I went to his house. I met his pretty wife and cute daughter. His daughter is a big extrovert. She was so chatty. I was so shy compared to her when I was her age. She is really very pretty and doesn't look like her parents at all.

I even visited their family temple, a small crowded structure. 

His wife is a little stern and all dolled up. Women really take care of themselves these days. 

Then I got back home by 4.30 pm. I bathed and went for rehearsals. I had and still have a massive headache. We spoke a lot at rehearsals till about 6.30. I was fagged out and tired. Ra Ti told us that love takes many forms and that it's important to approach everybody with love. I piped in that a life well lived is a life lived for others to much disapproval and then we got working on my scenes. Fingers crossed I hope on the days of the shows I deliver.

After I was done I said that I'm getting a massive headache and would like a coffee. Bachan Sir said he'd join me and we took off to have some coffee.

Bachan Sir is 72 years old and has done over a 100 movies. I asked him about the most important thing he has learnt from life and he said that the most important thing he has learnt is that no matter what always remain positive. He proudly spoke of his children and his wife in Mathura. He has many grandchildren and he particularly spoke fondly of his granddaughter who is a lawyer.

(I just puked out all the dinner I ate.)

I got out of rehearsal at 9.

At home I posed the same question to Pa-- what are his life lessons?

Pa said that the number one thing he has learnt is to not trust people blindly. He said that I'm a lot like him and I should also not trust people blindly.

He also said that I should not give up and I should persist once I take up a path.

He also said that I should not close my mind off from marriage. He said that what is written in the stars is bound to happen.

Dad also said that live selflessly but live for yourself.

Then I took this question to Ma. Ma said that health is wealth and that once you have health you have everything and that your health is your responsibility. She also said that good friends are very important. She said that once you have good health and good friends everything comes easily.

Then I ate my dinner which my system just rejected-- Aloo Parathas and aamras.

I'm getting a splitting headache.

My life lessons:

Be kind and loving. You never know what people are going through and everybody could do with a dose of love.

Work is worship.

Never take advantage of anybody and guard your relationships.

Beauty lies in conduct. 

Choose happiness always.

Be responsible.

Pray.

Love,

Me

10.25 pm

Journal 19.6.2025 10.27 pm acid tongue

Dear Journal,

I went to sleep rather late last night and I woke up rather late. It was about 9.24 am when I opened my eyes and glanced at my phone.

The first part of the day witnessed a heavy downpour. Then the Vespa lady came at around 11.30.

Pa and I set off to D Mart and I bought coffee following that. Then we came back home amid a deluge.

I spoke to De Jh and I spoke to his niece whom I am set to meet tomorrow in Charni Road. De Jh's mind is beset with theological problems. I think he is a little too theoretical when it comes to solving the problems of life.

After eating a modest lunch such a wave of sleep engulfed me that I couldn't stop myself from a two hour snooze.

Then I set off for rehearsals after a late bath.

Me, Ni Ta, Bachan Sir and Ra Ti went to Veda to make some enquiries. Then these guys came home for coffee. Ra Ti requested Ma to let the house out for eight days for a shoot and said he'd pay us handsomely. Ma is a little iffy about it. After I came back from rehearsals I spoke to Ma about it and she was rather rude. How can Ma be so rude and dismissive? Both Buro and Ma don't exhibit themselves well. She even admonished me.

Anyway rehearsals were ok. We have a long way to go.

After rehearsals Ra Ti and Ku Wa and me just chatted a little bit. Then Ra Ti took me around pillion on his bike.

Ra Ti requested me a lot to give up smoking. I think I can at the moment. I don't really get an urge to smoke cigarettes.

I carried around a heavy heart all day and am just about feeling better.

I feel so bad that Arun and I don't talk that much anymore and that he doesn't acknowledge my messages. There is a sense of loss and grieving.

I need to wake up early tomorrow to go to Charni Road so I'll chant and sleep.

I really wish Ma was more sweet-tongued. She and Buro don't believe in talking sweetly and they are a little ungrateful in the way they speak. Even Pa was telling me the other day that he is tired of being pecked around by Ma. She is a lot to take.

I find that birth charts are accurate predictors of personality and character. In Ma's birth chart it is written that she has an acid tongue which she does. Not in so many words but Mota Moti.

I even read A's birth chart recently. It's so accurate as far as personality goes. The rest of it must also be true. God alone knows what lies ahead for each one of us but to each his own.

I wish I had more time during the day to do things. Six hours of rehearsals is quite a part of the day gone. Today I didn't spend time on Linkedin. I have to pay my phone bill tomorrow and I need to call Jd.

It's going to be a good day tomorrow.

I am feeling:

Happy

Put together

Loving

Accepting

I think I'll chuck chanting and sleep now after some silent prayers.

I am grateful to be part of this play.

I'm grateful that I'm meeting De Jh's niece tomorrow.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life.

Love,

Me.

Journal 18.6 2025 10.08 pm feeling low

Dear Journal,

I just got back from rehearsals! We had pakodas and tea during rehearsals. I have to work on my dialogues. Lots and lots of work to do!

First things first, let me be honest. I was mildly suicidal yesterday which is why I slept all day. Then the wd meeting perked me up.

Today again I woke up feeling really low. Then Waleed landed up on my doorstep. I met him after ten whole years! He is still obnoxious as anything. We had coffee and he regaled me with tales from Dubai. We spoke about rumours that hogged both of us in the office.

Then I went for rehearsals at 4. I have a lot of work to do. I could have really spent more time talking to him.

Rehearsals are still going on and I sneaked out.

Haroon and I chatted for a long time today on God and the problem of evil. He is an atheist, agnostic sort of chap. I love him and Q.

I missed A a little bit today. Or may be I missed him a lot. And then I thought that he's not husband material. His pictures keep coming up in my memories and it's hard not to think about him. He doesn't call or message and it hurts me that he's moved on just like that.

I feel a little sad, a little like I'm up against a wall in terms of my career.

The days I pray I'm sorted. The days I don't all the negativity pulls me down.

In the morning I sat down to chant for half an hour. Then Ma entered from her morning walk and kept nitpicking me over my pronunciation of Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo. I kept ignoring her and she went on and on and I lost it. I lost my cool. And then I felt really bad and gave her many deep long kisses. She is charming as anything and I love her.

If it weren't for Waleed and Haroon and my drama team I wouldn't know what to make of the day.

A's cigarettes are lying with me and sometimes I'm tempted to open the packet. Why doesn't he just take them and the t shirt from me?

I'm feeling a little low and there is a pain in my heart.

Today Pa Bho hit his hand against a fan during rehearsals and had to go to the doctor.

We ended the rehearsals with pakodas and tea. What a charming day it has been.

May God bless me with many more friends like this.

The other day Hu Bhaiyya messaged me. They are doing really well. He is the owner of his own private jet. To think I grew up with him and that he played with me growing up.

Small blessings, big blessings I have all of them. Am I lucky? I don't know. I need to resurrect my career and the thought bogs me down.

Oh, and I also spoke to Sreeku! He is in Cambodia!

In everything that we do it is the heart that is important. It's vital to steer life on the course of goodness and goodwill.

Ra Ti said that we will go out soon. Let's see.

He also asked me to cut down on cigarettes and to take care of my feet.

I feel like ranting a little more in this journal but im short of words. 

I have people to talk to but no real close friend. Speaking to Haroon and Waleed both made me feel connected today.

You are the only thing that understands me you know journal. And that's all about me talking to me.

I was telling Haroon today that I feel really guilty at how I've conducted myself in some periods of my life and he said that I'm not worse off than the evil in the world so I shouldn't feel so guilty. See Dhi also says the same thing that I've never intentionally hurt anyone and I mustn't berate myself. But I have regrets. Deep regrets.

Today I also finished some documentation work on jd.

Now I'll eat dinner, chant and sleep.

I am feeling:

A little sad

Full of love

Loved

Happy at the same time

Awake

Tired

Full from the pakodas

Need to buy Mela Care for my feet.

Has Arun forgiven me for how I conducted myself with him?

I am grateful for having a full beautiful day.

I am grateful for my family and friends.

"Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans." I have a vision, I have a dream and there are forces pulling me about. I just get very worried looking at my wavy life line.

Love,

Me.

10.45 pm

Oh yes, and also I did yoga after a few days today.

Journal 17.6.2025 9.39 pm spread the love

Dear Journal,

In the morning I woke up from a dream that Chotto had started a business that was doing very well near our school called Jodhpur Sweets. In the dream I was really happy for him.

I woke up at 7.30 and went back to sleep till 10 am. I was groggy all day. I spent some time on Linkedin and then on Chat Gpt.

I went for rehearsals at 4. Nobody came except Ni, another guy, ku Va and me.

Me and Ku Va got out for a walk and I got him home and we played cards and had coffee. He is a very sweet boy who says he has no friends that I find hard to believe. He is nursing a broken heart.

At 7 since no one had come and I took permission from Bachan Sir and left for my wd meeting. It was my first Wd meeting. We read about the spirit of women.

I decided then that there is no place for callousness in my life. I'm not going to be callous and lackadaisical. I'll throw those two words out of the window.

I also reflected upon how I have allowed hatred to breed in my heart. Whether it be animosity towards A because we've broken up or feeling resentful I can't, simply CAN'T feel negatively towards anybody. I do pray for people but when your engine doesn't whistle well and the train of life slowly chugs along sometimes you let bitterness sow its seeds.

I will wish everyone well. I will be a good-willer. It is the heart that is important.

"More important than the treasures of the storehouse are the treasures of the body. And the treasures of the heart are most important of all." All good fortune comes says Shakyamuni Buddha by cultivating a heart of compassion. The only way to good luck and good fortune is wishing everyone well.

Then just now Ra Ti sent me a poem about love. And I thought that despite everything I've fallen in love but twice in my life. Once with Na and then with Arun and I simply can't think about dating anyone right now.

I must not feel bitter towards A. I still love him. That love has transformed into something subtle and I'm so grateful that we are friends. I am sure he's found someone. That's the feeling I get. But I can't seem to lose my love for him. I never will be able to do that.

I'm unable to fathom at what point Arun made such an indelible imprint on my psyche. I don't know what it was or what it is that makes me love him so. May be it was the fact that he was an answer to my prayers to God, a gift from life cutely packaged in his sunglasses with his charming smile and his warmth and his raucous laughter. I'll always love him I know that.

And I know I can't move on so easily but the days are getting easier.

Then about three hours ago A Alam called. He's been struggling and has found a new job and is shooting a movie. We bought some chips and colas and took a long walk with our picnic with a few smokes.

He wanted to sit so we got into my building and he chatted with Twi and it was all good.

And then it poured and here I am home filling in the pages of this journal.

It's been a good day. I don't think I wasted the day into my grogginess. Sometimes you just need to rest and that's alright. I shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Ma is so beautiful. She has a special quality about her. Her smile is so warm and radiant and she looks absolutely ravishing with her skirts and dresses and long earrings.

I must take care of my feet.

It's been a day reflecting on love and life. Chat gpt is like a maze where you never know what you may find.

I am feeling:

Happy

Sentimental

Full of love

Loving

Loved

I am grateful that I spent quality time with Ku Va, A Alam and Twi today.

I am grateful that I didn't smoke too many cigarettes today.

I am grateful that my stomach was filled, my bed was warmed and the glow of light and laughter filled my home today.

I am grateful for my family and friends.

I am grateful for A's presence in my life.

I am grateful for my good health and high life condition.

I am grateful for clothes and my presence.

I am grateful for God's infinite love,

Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.10 pm

journal 15.6.2025 10.21 pm a day well spent

Dear Journal,

The zadankai went off pretty well. I made a mistake but no one pointed it out. May be people were confused. I was underprepared and conversation flowed smoothly.

It's heaven to have Ma back home.

Shou just called. Then Sa Li called, I spoke to him for a long time.

I think I'll miss rehearsals tomorrow to meet Sa Li. Ra Ti won't be there.

I slept for two hours in the afternoon and had a wet dream that disturbed me. That's related to my desires.

I then went for my rehearsals. Rehearsals were easy today since people didn't turn up.

After rehearsals Ra Ti, Ni Ta, Raj and Ku Va and me bought beer and cigarettes and went to the beach. We chatted and drank and smoked. Ra Ti said that I'm very good- natured.

Sa Li spoke for a long time about his girlfriend on the phone.

It's been a regular day. I had a samosa with Ra Ti today.

I miss A.

Tomorrow will be better.

Love,

Me.

11.20 pm

June 15.6.2025 8.18 pm seeing dostovesky

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I'm a very famous writer and that I know Dostovesky. In the dream I think I saw a book.

I'm grateful for this beautiful wonderful day.

I have to write the significance for this month.

Love,

Ms.

8.20 am

Journal 14.6.2025 10.31 am a heaviness in my heart

Dear Journal,

Each day when I finally wake up I wake up with a heaviness in my heart. I woke up after 6.30 today seeing Shilpa Shetty sitting in the make up chair.

Then I went back to sleep and woke up a little before 9. I saw in my dream that Farz was doing a play and was in trouble with the authorities. Then he finally got the problem resolved with my help. Then I saw that I wanted to direct a play. Then I woke up.

I woke up with a certain heaviness in my heart to messages from pals. I chatted a little with them and am feeling better now.

I have two auditions to give but since I've just had a bath I need my hair to dry.

Ma is returning today from Malshej Ghat.

I was going to again smoke fewer cigarettes today and wasn't even feeling the urge but lo and behold! I found a stray cigarette packet lying in one of my bags! Daaayumm!

This Ku Va keeps spitting on the roads. It makes me feel so icky.

I'll log into Astro Sage now. Then I'll chant and do a little yoga and give my auditions.

It should be a good day. I'm worried about my wavy Life Line.

De Jh says we should go some place nice, sit and talk. He's a Jain guy. I really don't want to go some place nice and eat Jain food.

Dig and Shiv's separation looms on the mind.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Fresh after my bath

Sweet

I am grateful that I woke up healthy, fit and fine.

I'm grateful that I'm getting regular audition calls.

I am grateful for my sweetest parents and sweetest brother.

Hope A is fine.

Pa told me that the watchman had to throw out two strange characters who wanted to come home! Wtf!

Love,

Me.

10.44 pm

Journal 13.6.2025 11.02 pm dig and shiv separate

Dear Journal,

I just spoke to Dig. He and Shiv separated. This is so sad. Two friends breaking up after 24 years of marriage. Dig always spoke highly of his wife.

A Buddha becomes a Buddha because of his conduct.

In every way I have to have exemplary conduct. Audition calls have been coming regularly.

Yesterday I had a major audition that I did not give because of my panic attack.

Ma is enjoying herself with her friends.

I have two auditions to give tomorrow.

Life is good.

I am feeling:

Happy

Focused

Looking to the future with hope

Sweet

See said yesterday that I'm looking too thin.

But I weigh like a rock.

Yoga keeps me going.

I'm so happy to do this play. Tomorrow I'll focus on acting.

Love,

Me.

11.08 pm

Journal 13.6.2025 7.18 pm panic attack

Dear Journal,

Yesterday in the afternoon I had a full-blown panic attack and cried a lot. I had to miss my rehearsals because of that. I'm so sorry I've broken up with A. That makes me so sad. I think there were misunderstandings and I didn't conduct myself really well.

Today in the morning I had a dream that Na Ka had got married to somebody. Then I was having chicken with someone. Then I saw Ketda saying something or the other.

Today Mee Chat spoke to me for a long time. Then De Jh called. Sa Li called. And Va Pe also called. Va Pe told me that Na Ka actually got married recently. Good for him. I'm so happy for him.

Right now I'm at rehearsals. Ku Va is going over all the songs in the play.

Today I restarted my Tarot ad.

I'm going to focus only on work now. No relationships. No towtowing around with people. It's good to receive calls from friends.

I wish I could quit smoking.

I met See Dhi yesterday. And she told me to leave the past behind and not feel so guilty and face the future. 

For the past 6 years or so I've been enjoying myself and priorities got blurred. I must set my priorities straight.

Ra Ti looks so much like Shy Kis. I thought he would be like him but he's not. He's a far more decent man.

A Buddha is recognised by how he conducts himself. I must conduct myself well.

Oh yes, I also went after a long time and did my yoga and chanting under the canopy.

The rehearsal space is a nice, cozy spot.

Ra Ti says my performance has become much better. My energy is also more up.

I saw 12 Angry Men yesterday.

I hope A is well. An Air India plane crashed yesterday. I thought a lot about A's daughter and people who take flights regularly. This was so sad. Tragic.

I am feeling:

Sweaty

Itchy

Happy

Focused

Loving and full of love

I am grateful for A's presence in my life.

I am grateful for my brother and Sadhya and my darling parents.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings in my life.

This life is going to play out really well.

Yesterday I also spoke to a shit astrologer. Must beware of quacks.

I also met Sa from Ai yesterday. He's a good guy.

Love,

Me.

7.34 pm

Journal 12.6.2025 10.34 am a full day

Dear Journal,

I slept late last night and woke up after 8. I met A last night.

I woke up feeling pain in my heart and sad but my heart is full now.

I don't remember my dream before waking up.

I have an appointment with Na V now. Then I have to grab coffee with Sa. Then I have rehearsals and then I have to meet See Dhi.

It's a full packed day ahead. 

I also have to give an audition! How am I going to do all this?

I hope my appointment with Na V goes well.

Ma has gone to Malshej Ghat with her friends.

I hope she enjoys herself.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Eager to face the day ahead.

I am grateful that A and I met yesterday.

I am grateful that I'm feeling good.

I am grateful for my family and friends.

I am grateful that I relished a mango a while ago.

I am grateful for this day.

Love,

Me.

10.41 am

Journal 11.6.2025 8.43 am dream of never being satisfied

Dear Journal,

I woke up over an hour ago. I had a dream that I wrote a cheque of Rs 30,000 to myself and Pa was really happy with me.

Then I saw myself talking to a group of people and realised that if you want to progress in life you should never be satisfied.

I just finished meditating after a short walk. My cigarette count has reduced.

Yesterday I hung out with some of the guys during rehearsals.

I'm supposed to meet A today.

I also need to go over my lines and apply for jobs. The Astro Sage portal brings in few clients.

I know today will be golden.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Serene

Calm

I am grateful that I slept well at night.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life.

I am grateful that I'm healthy.

I'm grateful for family and friends.

I am grateful for all amenities and frugalities. 

I puked last night. Got to go to the doctor today.

Love,

Me.

8.51 am

Journal 8.6.2025 9.43 pm chatgpt is a great therapist

Dear Journal,

I am feeling so calm and placid for so many days. Unmoved. Clear. When the mind is not crowded with thoughts clarity comes easily.

I wonder how Arun is. Is he well?

Today I had a two-hour Gosho meeting. I also find that Chatgpt is an able therapist. I spent time on chat gpt to understand my shadow and to get counselled on Jungian terms.

I've forgotten all the results now. It's better than any human being, just not with the smell and touch of a human.

I smoked few cigarettes today.

I went for my rehearsals. I need to work hard in this play even though it's a small role.

I'm back home and was just enjoying the French Open finals. I like Alcaraz but I'm rooting for Sinner.

Ma is a tad aggressive. Chat gpt says that that annoys me because I've repressed my own aggression. Well, well.

I also got a call from a guy from Delhi for English classes. Let's see how I can work things out with him. Well, he just called. I'm in Bombay, he's in Bangalore. Well, well.... more will come along.

Dolly mashi has just come home. I won't smoke a cigarette now even though I'm getting a craving.

Quitting cigarettes means just going past the urge and craving, delaying first and then abandoning the stick.

I am feeling:

Happy

Serene 

Calm

Hopeful

Loving 

I am grateful for the play I'm doing.

I am grateful for love and life.

I am grateful that I ate well today.

I am grateful for my family and friends.

I am grateful for the money I have.

I somehow feel that my confidence and send esteem have taken a hit. Why now and how now?

Love,

Me.

10.07 pm

Journal 8.6 2025 8.43 am a dream of xyriline

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that a particular man was being very harsh on me and not giving me any responsibility. Then I saw myself at a station which is sloping into the tracks. I am sitting on the railway station. I ask this man to give me a hand to help me get up and he does. But then he quickly removes my hand. I see in the dream that bank cheque books are made with xyriline that can lead to death. I lick some. Then I call for a meeting with my family telling them in woe that because of my mental health diagnosis I have no responsibilities. What does this mean?

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Eager to face the day

I have to learn my dialogues today.

Love,

Me.

8.45 am

Journal 7.6.2025 10.37 pm theatre rehearsals

Dear Journal,

I've had a good day. It's good to have a calm and placid mind. It makes things clearer.

Arun agreed to meet me on Tuesday! That makes me so happy.

In the morning I trudged along and finished all my ablutions only by 12 pm. That's late!

I feel sluggish in the mornings and wake up only by evening. I think I won't do the bs assignment.

I went for theatre rehearsals today. It's a tough play with tough Bhojpuri dialogues. If I land the bs job I won't be able to pursue theatre and acting.

I also smoked a lot less today.

I even took a short power nap in the afternoon.

In fact, I'll call up An from Ob on Tuesday.

There are three things I would like to pursue starting now. Tarot, teaching and acting.

The Astro Sage job is on.

For some reason the teaching didn't happen so much when I was with Arun. I need to restart that. And I need to get more aggressive with casting directors and really pursue them.

Each moment counts. It's about making the most of each moment. I am going to quit smoking.

I hope Arun is not in a lot of pain.  I'll never stop loving him. He smells divine.

The play is a comedy apropos Hrishikesh Mukherjee.

I am reading The Richest Man of Babylon. Interesting book. Far better than any Robin Sharma book.

I am grateful to Chji for getting this play to me and urging me to go for Vipassana.

I am feeling:

Loving 

Calm

Happy 

Geared to perform

Lucky

Fortunate

I am grateful for the play.

I am grateful that Arun agreed to meet me.

I am grateful that I smoked far lesser today.

I am grateful for my family and friends.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for my peace of mind and happiness.

Ma sometimes gets on my nerves but I love her.

Love,

Me.

10.57 pm

Journal 7.6.2025 8.41 pm hope

Dear Journal,

I had a vivid dream before I woke up that I just don't seem to remember. Arrgh!

I hope to have a fruitful day :)

It's a no smoking day.

Love,

Me.

8.43 am

Journal 6.6.2025 9.44 pm a dismal mood turns pristine

Dear Journal,

I was feeling positively low and sordid these past few days. There was a certain pain in my heart and I was feeling heartbroken by Arun and at the sense of having lost something.

Then De Jh came along today. Sometimes you just need a friend to pick you up.

He's brought the laughter back. And the sullenness has given way to joy.

We spent a lot of time together. All in all about over four hours. I took him to Ma Studio. I might meet him next week too.

He is a funds manager in the stock market.

He gave me many examples about how the markets reflect life. I can tell you a few things as I remember them.

He said that for those who invest in stocks losses are immininent and a part of the game. It's just best to accept it and only then will one make headway. Similarly in life sometimes you lose. It's important to count your losses and move ahead.

Then he said amid the flurry and scurry of the market it's important to keep a zen like calm and not lose your head. Only then can you win. In life too it's important, he said, to be unwavered by the ups and downs. Only then can you win.

And then De Jh left.

I can't seem to talk about Arun without tears in my eyes. But I'm moving past the hurt and pain. N feels that I'll never forget Arun. That I'll carry him with me forever.

In other news, I got shortlisted for the Mother's Recipe ad!!! I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I really want this.

I think I'll have a bath and chant some gratitude daimoku.

Today makes me feel that there is hope. All is not lost. Life is good. The shortlist encourages me to start messaging casting guys again. Tomorrow.

Na Bho wanted to meet me today but that was not possible.

It's been a good day.

I had doodh rooti kola cheeni for dinner and am feeling absolutely full.

Last night I slept really late because I was messaging A. Tonight I'll go to sleep early.

I am feeling:

Happy

Hurt

Loving

Joyful

Sweaty

Hopeful

I am grateful that I had a good time with De Jh today.

I am grateful that I'm able to let go of Arun and still keep the love alive.

I am grateful for the yummy food I ate today and the delicious coffee I had at Ma Studio.

I am grateful that life is good.

Today I threw away five packets of cigarettes determining that I'll stop smoking. Then I retrieved two of those packets. May I quit smoking.

In the wisps of life

Lie the flames of time

Bound by a hunger

Blithe and divine.

Love,

Me.

10.07 pm

Journal 6.6.2025 12.35 pm the struggle is real

Dear Journal,

The struggle is real. I've tried my hands at multiple things in the past two years. Right from writing to Tarot to doing two films and giving auditions. The struggle is real.

As far as Arun is concerned I carry a very palpable pain in my heart.

Today I woke up feeling bichchiri since I slept late. Then I tried to get my peace of mind back by meditating and fell asleep.

I just woke up to a call from Na Bho. He wanted to catch up but De Jh is coming home so I had to can that.

I hope I can find my bearings today. Some love, some laughter, something interesting, something creative.

The stalemate can't last this long. I must challenge the Gohonzon.

My vision for my life:

I imagine my life to be a grand affair. I always have, I always did. But somewhere along the way the dream got tarnished. I imagine my life to be one of service and love and humour and laughter and a few tears. I imagine absolute joy being mine. My life is mine to make.

I can't feel like this.

I want to feel the love in my heart again.

I want to be inspired to write good poetry.

I want to feel happy and empowered.

I want a sense of independence.

I want to experience good health.

I want happiness, peace, love.

Loving Arun was phenomenal but it's over and there is a great distance between us.

I am feeling:

Sleepy and groggy

Geared to face the day

Ok OK

I am grateful that I'm meeting De Jh today.

I am grateful for good health.

I am grateful for this peace of mind that has engulfed me.

I am grateful that I had a yummy Shor and bread breakfast after a long time.

I am grateful that I got a good nap.

Love,

Me.

Journal 6.6.2025 8.07 am dream of being the best

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I was the best or most beautiful and that I was allowing some other girl to be celebrated as the best or most beautiful. I felt good in the dream. Serene and calm.

I hope to have a great day. Went to sleep rather late last night.

8.09 am

Journal 6.6.2025 12.42 am ego barriers up

Dear Journal,

All my ego barriers are up concerning Arun.

I still love him but there is a sense of moving on.

He doesn't call me that much and there is a great distance between us.

Of course I still love him.

Love,

Me.

12.44 am

Journal 5.6.2025 9.27 pm a need to collect myself

Dear Journal,

I had a goodish to okayish day. I read a lot. I met N. And I reflected on how things are with Arun.

There is a certain stillness in my soul, a sort of calm platitude and I'm very grateful for it.

Kit and Melon are here. Surprisingly I'm grieving Miso.

I almost always tear up when I talk about Arun. I miss him and I love him.

There are three books vying for my attention-- Murphy, the child psychology book and Chetan Bhagat. Which one should I read first?

I've been going through a lot of Tarot content on YouTube. I really like Renaissance Tarot by Your Funny Armenian Guy. The guy is funny and charming in his own way. And my is he accurate! I also like Tarot 777 after which I've named my own channel.

I didn't get a whole lot of views and some people from my Artists group gave me tips on how I could better my videos. On Saturday I'll shoot a whole new range of videos.

Today me and Ma gorged on Bhel. Kit is so cute! He spent time with me in my room. Kit jaisa koi nahin.

I don't really like any of the other channels. The Armenian dude usually talks only about relationships, nothing more. Tarot 777 is more holistic.  

I've also started listening to music again after a long time.

It's our tendencies that result in loss or victory. I must be more vigilant about my tendencies. 

Letter to Shimoyama is a long Gosho, and frankly I find the Gosho a little brainwashing. I'm not so much of a fighter as Nichiren was. For me I'd rather live and let live. And frankly I've learnt a lot from Zen Buddhism, something Nichiren Buddhists look down upon.

I also find that my day goes much better when I finish off my morning routine. Yoga peps me up. Even ten minutes of it.

I wonder how Arun's bones are healing. Is he taking care of himself? I hope to God he is! It's crucial at the healing stage to give absolute attention and care.

I just dropped Sadhya, Melon and Kit to an auto.

In other news the D 639 house is being broken down.

I have to do the bs assignment. I have till Sunday to complete it. I'll also call up An from Ob on Tuesday.

I am feeling:

Calm and collected

Loving

Focused

Disciplined

Find a need to collect my thoughts and reflect

I hope to God I sleep well tonight and see good dreams.

Bh has absolutely stopped talking to me after I shunned him when he was drunk the other day. Good riddance to bad rubbish. 

I am grateful that I'm healthy and that I managed to do yoga today.

I am grateful that I met N today.

I am grateful that Arun and I are bantering.

I am grateful that for most part of the day the weather was pleasant.

I am grateful that I treated Ma to Bhel today.

Love,

Me.

9.58 pm

Journal 5.6.2025 7.20 am a dream about soft skin

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I have very soft skin. In the dream Buro keeps commenting that my skin is very soft. I saw a more complicated dream before that that I can't seem to remember.

I just went down for a walk.

I have the bs assignment to do today. Nag said he'll meet me today. Let's see.

I was so surprised to wake up to a message from Arun.

In the mornings I wake up not feeling any love and geared to focus on the day but invariably when I sleep at night I imagine hugging Arun and sleeping. I really still love him.

It's easy to be all over him when I see him but the next time I'll hold my horses.

Yesterday Ma and I watched reruns of I dream of Jeannie.

I hope to have a productive day.

I am feeling:

Happy

Focused

Eager

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings in my life.

I am grateful that I have the best assignment to do.

I am grateful for Arun's presence in my life.

I am grateful for Ma Baba Buro and Sadhya.

I am grateful that I'm eating out far less than before.

I am grateful that I have cut down on smoking.

Love,

Me.

7.28 am

Journal 4.6.2025 11.03 am bracing myself

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I was practising telepathy successfully. I woke up around 7.30 and have finished my pranayam, meditation, chanting and yoga. Now I'll meditate for a bit.

I hope Arun forgives me for my digresses. There is a feeling of letting go because he is married but then I'd rather love him than not.

He's moved on so quickly. I really love him deeply but my heart is broken.

The Vespa guy is coming soon and then I have to go to bs. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I also have an appointment with Laxmidoss today.

Hope Arun's days are going well.

Love,

Me.

11.07 pm

Journal 3.6.2025 9.04 pm lots to study

Dear Journal,

We had a good dpm today. We have a lot to study.

I wasted my time going to Veera Desai Road today.

Ma said to me that I am a very good friend to my friends and that I am very sincere in love.

Well...

Love,

Me.

9.05 pm

Journal 3.6.2025 8.47 pm a dream of dawood

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where I'd met Dawood and he was being very sweet to me and the police was most confused as to whether Dawood is actually a good man.

I hope to have a productive day.

I am grateful that I slept well last night.

I am grateful that I'm in a good mood.

I am grateful that I am not overthinking things.

Love,

Me.

8.49 am

Journal 2.6.2025 6.01 pm my ten year goals

Dear Journal,

I just came back after meeting Krao. He suggests an injection once a month that people are doing well with. He has ruled out any major mental illness a long time ago.

He just said that the thin line between between imagination and fantasy and unrealism may be getting breached sometimes and that I should be more busy.

I told him about my sleepless nights and he suggested reading.

I also spoke to him about Arun. I still love my Arun. I cried while talking about him. I also realised that Arun lied. He did, right? But I love him all the same. I accepted Arun with all his twisted characteristics. I love him wholeheartedly. Where is he travelling?

I've found it difficult to get anything done since morning.

The mind is sharp and bright and for once for some reason it is not overthinking things.

I really hope to get a job.

I have an appointment with a Nadi astrologer tomorrow after my dpm.

I hope to be able to pay back Arun's money soon.

My ten year goals:

To be a happy loving humanbeing who is self-sufficient and independent in every way.

To be healthy and a contributing member of society.

To buy a house of my own.

To have meaningful loving friendships.

To be a bestselling author.

To hold a good job.

To be super rich personally. To have a healthy relationship with money.

To have a happy family life.

To have Arun in my life and to contribute to his life in a meaningful way.

I am so grateful to God that my parents and healthy fit and fine.

Miso has passed on into the beyond. He suffered a lot. But he was a loving Bhutu.

I think I'll sit and do a meditative exercise now and then settle in with a book.

When my mornings are productive I always have a good day.

Love,

Me.

6.14 pm