I just got back from rehearsals! We had pakodas and tea during rehearsals. I have to work on my dialogues. Lots and lots of work to do!
First things first, let me be honest. I was mildly suicidal yesterday which is why I slept all day. Then the wd meeting perked me up.
Today again I woke up feeling really low. Then Waleed landed up on my doorstep. I met him after ten whole years! He is still obnoxious as anything. We had coffee and he regaled me with tales from Dubai. We spoke about rumours that hogged both of us in the office.
Then I went for rehearsals at 4. I have a lot of work to do. I could have really spent more time talking to him.
Rehearsals are still going on and I sneaked out.
Haroon and I chatted for a long time today on God and the problem of evil. He is an atheist, agnostic sort of chap. I love him and Q.
I missed A a little bit today. Or may be I missed him a lot. And then I thought that he's not husband material. His pictures keep coming up in my memories and it's hard not to think about him. He doesn't call or message and it hurts me that he's moved on just like that.
I feel a little sad, a little like I'm up against a wall in terms of my career.
The days I pray I'm sorted. The days I don't all the negativity pulls me down.
In the morning I sat down to chant for half an hour. Then Ma entered from her morning walk and kept nitpicking me over my pronunciation of Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo. I kept ignoring her and she went on and on and I lost it. I lost my cool. And then I felt really bad and gave her many deep long kisses. She is charming as anything and I love her.
If it weren't for Waleed and Haroon and my drama team I wouldn't know what to make of the day.
A's cigarettes are lying with me and sometimes I'm tempted to open the packet. Why doesn't he just take them and the t shirt from me?
I'm feeling a little low and there is a pain in my heart.
Today Pa Bho hit his hand against a fan during rehearsals and had to go to the doctor.
We ended the rehearsals with pakodas and tea. What a charming day it has been.
May God bless me with many more friends like this.
The other day Hu Bhaiyya messaged me. They are doing really well. He is the owner of his own private jet. To think I grew up with him and that he played with me growing up.
Small blessings, big blessings I have all of them. Am I lucky? I don't know. I need to resurrect my career and the thought bogs me down.
Oh, and I also spoke to Sreeku! He is in Cambodia!
In everything that we do it is the heart that is important. It's vital to steer life on the course of goodness and goodwill.
Ra Ti said that we will go out soon. Let's see.
He also asked me to cut down on cigarettes and to take care of my feet.
I feel like ranting a little more in this journal but im short of words.
I have people to talk to but no real close friend. Speaking to Haroon and Waleed both made me feel connected today.
You are the only thing that understands me you know journal. And that's all about me talking to me.
I was telling Haroon today that I feel really guilty at how I've conducted myself in some periods of my life and he said that I'm not worse off than the evil in the world so I shouldn't feel so guilty. See Dhi also says the same thing that I've never intentionally hurt anyone and I mustn't berate myself. But I have regrets. Deep regrets.
Today I also finished some documentation work on jd.
Now I'll eat dinner, chant and sleep.
I am feeling:
A little sad
Full of love
Loved
Happy at the same time
Awake
Tired
Full from the pakodas
Need to buy Mela Care for my feet.
Has Arun forgiven me for how I conducted myself with him?
I am grateful for having a full beautiful day.
I am grateful for my family and friends.
"Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans." I have a vision, I have a dream and there are forces pulling me about. I just get very worried looking at my wavy life line.
Love,
Me.
10.45 pm
Oh yes, and also I did yoga after a few days today.
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