I love you. You are my shweetest, cutest, darlingest and goodest of all hearts and words are not enough to tell you or show you what you mean to me. May be you should read through my silences. I love you maximum. In fact, I may love you the most.
I love your hands more than you love them and holding your hands is a divine feeling.
I had a dream about you a few nights ago and I just can't stop thinking about you. I feel deeply in love with you and that's painful because we've broken up. In fact, these days I feel more in love with you than I've ever been.
Do you see my love? Can you fathom how deep it runs? I won't paint my love in flowery language but I'll tell you that it fills every trench of my soul and floods my life. Not having you in my life is unthinkable so please don't leave my life.
I sometimes think I want to die before you and my parents and that leaves me feeling mildly suicidal. If anything were to happen to you or my parents or brother I'd go mad. So I don't want to dwell there.
I also sometimes imagine making love to you.
Hey Arun! Promise me that some day when we are older that we will lie in bed together so that I can hold you and gaze into your eyes and try to tell you exactly what you mean to me. I'm crazy about you. Crazy, mad, deeply in love.
And about you chopping your hair off and not dyeing it, do you have the courage to do it? You should. I think it would look kickass and I would love to see you that way.
The other day when I was talking to my mom about you she told me that you are a very good boy. You leave quite an impression on people. The only thing is that you are unable to see exactly what a good human being you are. You are an excellent, top class, divinely honourable and admirable human being. And that makes me very proud to have you in my life.
In fact, I love your wife for choosing to marry you. It says a lot about her taste in men and that makes me respect her.
In fact, if I were in her place I would cherish you, hold you close and do everything to keep you happy. I know that your family must be extremely proud of you because I am.
In fact, I have a feeling that when I was a young school girl walking about seven bungalows in my uniform and my school bag I must have glanced at you and felt that I saw the world's most handsome man today. I would have desired you and fallen in love with you even then.
In fact, you are the very essence of my being. You are an answer to a lifetime of desires, or many lifetimes of desires. Even though I told you you are not my type it is you I have waited for all my life. And you should know this as a truth of my life that after you there will be no other man.
In fact, before I met you I used to imagine what the entity of you would tell me and after we met and fell in love you said exactly all those things I ever imagined. I knew in my heart of hearts that you would enter my life. And I'm not about to imagine loving any other man. That is stupid and impossible. And that is the whole truth.
I've never told you this because I'm a big introvert and kind of secretive but ever since I was a small girl I've gone off for long four five hour walks. In fact, I once took off for a long walk when I was just three years old.
I once walked all the way from Airoli to home after meeting my grandmother. I've also walked from South Bombay to Seven Bungalows and many many times from Khar after going to ramakrishna mission. You must not think I'm mad.
I love walking.
In fact, I imagine that I must have been a Bhikku in the lifetime that the Buddha lived in and taken long walks with a bowl. I think this is the truth. I sometimes have felt that I was a Bhikku. I have a teacher in Ramakrishna Mission who tells me that I read too much Buddhist literature and that that influences me.
My feet are bruised, tired and calloused from a lifetime of taking long walks. I feel that I could walk across the Earth and I want to some day.
These days I don't hide my feet. They are a reflection of the immense sacrifices I'm prepared to make for the happiness of others and the happiness of you.
I imagine that when I was a Bhikku I must have gazed at you and loved you even then. In fact, there is something enchantingly alluring about you.
Do you think I'm mad to imagine such things? They sit in my heart as a Truth I can't erase.
In fact, I think there is something about me too. In my play there are two other excruciatingly beautiful girls, one with grey eyes and the other with green eyes and yet all the boys are curious about me and better friends with me and choose to take me with them for Chai, food and drinks. The boys give me their attention and keep asking me about my life.
I don't like this attention from men. I never did. Firstly, I'm the biggest introvert you'll find and secondly I really desire a gang of girlfriends I can hang out with.
I have a friend from my Buddhist practice called Seema. I really value her. I don't talk a lot about you because you are my own private hope to cherish but of course I do. Seema tells me not to pine after marriage and to cherish the bond I have with you. Will you give me such a bond, in any way, something I can guard and cherish?
My therapist feels that there is no future but that after you I'll probably not find any other man. She loves me and tells me that I'm not her client and that I'm her friend. I appreciate her for her emotional intelligence and for always showing me the light of Truth. The Truth is that I know despite what many friends say that there will be no other man. Like I told you, you are the answer to many lifetimes of desires and prayers. And I'm not about to discard the thought of you for any other man.
I go for my rehearsals as a pakka jhalli. You would be appalled. I don't dress well, I brandish my wounded feet, I remain unshaved and show it and I don't apply any make up and I don't comb my hair. I know if you saw me like that it would make you very angry. And yet I get the love and affection of all around me. What do you think it is?
I think it's my kindness and warmth.
Could you tell me how I can seek out good women friends in my life and not be such a source of attention from men?
Another thing I want to talk to you about is career and money. I feel that I was born to be a writer but I'm such a procrastinator. I think I write well. What do you think? Am I a decent writer? In this age of chat gpt it's tough earning money as a writer and I really one day want to sit down with you and discuss my career and finances. Would you be open to that? I trust you and I value your opinion and you are very dear to my heart.
Vipassana was the best experience of my life. On the eighth day as you keep your vow of silence you are asked to practice detachment. And I tried very hard. I was able to detach from everything except you and my mom. It was impossible to detach from the two of you.
That is why I can't keep my eyes off your eyes these days. I can't imagine happiness without having you in some way in my life these days. Just one look at your beautiful eyes and you got my entire being, my heart, my soul, my everything. And that's unforgettable.
I don't know what is the outcome of this love but I know one thing I don't want to be a source of pain to your children, your wife and you.
I want to write so many things to you in this letter but I think I'll rest here. I'm not sending you this letter but I know my thoughts will touch your heart. I believe in the magic of writing. In fact, I'm excruciatingly passionate about it. And I love you.
And hey! One more thing Arun, in our next life will you marry me? When I look into your eyes and fall in love I know I will propose. I've stopped myself so many times from asking you to marry me in this life because I know that is not possible. I love you.
I can tell you many things but the aim of this letter is not to woo you but to honour and acknowledge the love I have for you.
Forever yours,
In joy and in pain,
Sincerely,
Doel.
Ps: I'm sorry if I've hurt you. I didn't mean to. Please forgive me.
Pps: And oh, you waving to me from the rickshaw will always be etched in my memory. It reminds me of our date in your car when we went to Band stand and Madh Island. It's the most memorable date I've had with you. I hope for many more memories with you going forward. Your small actions reflect your sweet heart.
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