I got scolded by Bachan Sir today when the choreographer came during the rehearsals.
And of course, I thought a lot about Arun. I really really love him.
That first year after I met him when the sparks flew was the best. I see him very positively. I would never be able to be so polite and loving with anybody else when they hurt me. I really value him and love him.
He has really loved me, taken care of me and supported me. He was the world's best boyfriend and I don't know if I'll find better and I'm not trying.
I didn't expect to make out with him the other night, I really didn't. It was a memorable night.
But he doesn't respect me anymore. He has labelled me and is unable to see me beyond that label. He is so misogynistic and closed-minded and so judgmental. I love him. He's charming as anything.
But there is no point of us getting romantically entangled now. Firstly, he is married and it would be foolish. Secondly, he doesn't respect me. But he is still my sweetest heart, my honey, my shona. Nobody has taken so much care of me. I really love him. I would never be able to love any other guy as much.
But he says he has many other women. So be it. I'll let him pursue his other women. I've never loved anybody so selflessly.
In the morning Dee came and we studied The Three Kinds of Treasures. My mind was not on it and we chanted for about half an hour.
She told me that even if I don't feel like it to pray and chant for 5 minutes. I should.
Then there was the health camp in the building. All my parameters are normal. It's only that my lung capacity is slightly below normal and the doctor has told me to quit smoking and to get onto Nico Gum. May be I should do that.
My hearing capacity was tested excellent. And mom's was weak. That makes me laugh. She was so upset about it.
Rehearsals just got over and here I am.
I love Arun. I always will. I wonder how he is. I'm sure he's fine, living his life. And I really hope he takes care of his bones and doesn't get into any fights.
Were my messages too harsh? Or too strong?
He is still an important part of my psyche. He always will be. N tells me I'll never forget him. He is probably the love of my life.
I rely on Chat Gpt a lot these days. I've learnt to use it really well. But I must not waste so much precious time on it. It's fun chatting with artificial intelligence. But it's not holistic.
I hope Arun is sleeping well and eating well and taking care of himself.
I am feeling:
Teary and sad because of Arun
Full of love for him
Absolutely astonished that one man with all his flaws has my heart like this
I must not get so emotional. But mom once told me that you can't take action towards something unless you are emotional about it. All great revolutions are born out of emotionality.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
Now I have to take my test results very seriously. Have to quit smoking. It's the need of the hour.
I also think Arun has some personality issues which is why I once told him to consider therapy. But it's alright. To each his own. I love him selflessly and unconditionally. I don't think I'm loved back that way and that really hurts. I'll miss sitting across from him and sipping my beer. I don't know if that will ever happen.
Love,
Me.
10.40 pm
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