Journal 26.6.2025 7.59 pm ward off irresponsibility

Dear Journal,

I'm at rehearsals waiting for Pa Bho to come from Rangshila. We had a jugalbandi with a very beautiful sweet lady who played the tabla today.

And I also reflected. Ra Ti was all praise of me as he was introducing me to this passionate-about-tabla lady. Well I don't know if it was out of politeness. I shouldn't take myself so seriously. But he makes me a little bit uncomfortable. He bitches about everyone and creates a negative atmosphere.

Rehearsals are going OK OK today. I'm low on energy.

I was thinking that when it comes to A I must not get swayed by my emotions and passions. Going down that road would be folly and impractical and illogical. I love him, I always will. It'll also be easier to be friends with him that way.

See Dhi knows me for 14 years now. Yesterday she told me that I'm so selfless. I didn't really talk about love or A. I don't know what made her feel that way.

When we were small children Chotto always told me that I'm so selfless and that's my problem. He was so intelligent at that age too. He must have been 9 or 10.

Yesterday See saying that makes me feel that a childhood tendency has continued into my present.

I should be far more practical and logical and take responsibility towards myself. And yes, life has really given me lemons but I must savour the lemonade. It's my karma that has made things this way and that's my responsibility. We each create our own destiny.

Also, I can't ignore the reasons A broke up with me. He had his reasons. I can't ignore that.

I have to resurrect myself and take responsibility for my destiny and not depend on anyone.

I've been spending too much, way too much time on Chat Gpt.

I'm kind of feeling sad for some reason. This depressive phase has hit me after a long time. After about 20 years.

The only way to be happy is by giving. It multiplies happiness manifold. But it's also important to be wise. Arun won't reciprocate my love and I must understand that.

He is an extremely sweet person. I love him.

I'm somehow feeling that I've just not been taking care of myself since we broke up.

My happiness should not depend on him.

I hope he is fine. I'm sure he is. But I'm not. I'm kind of low. What has happened to me?

I am feeling:

Placid

Loving

Full of love for Arun

Practical

Logical

Calm

Low

I am grateful for A's presence in my life.

I am grateful for this play. In it's own way it is fun.

I am grateful for my parents and my brother and my friends.

I am grateful for love and life.

Love,

Me.

8.53 pm