In the morning I woke up from a dream that Chotto had started a business that was doing very well near our school called Jodhpur Sweets. In the dream I was really happy for him.
I woke up at 7.30 and went back to sleep till 10 am. I was groggy all day. I spent some time on Linkedin and then on Chat Gpt.
I went for rehearsals at 4. Nobody came except Ni, another guy, ku Va and me.
Me and Ku Va got out for a walk and I got him home and we played cards and had coffee. He is a very sweet boy who says he has no friends that I find hard to believe. He is nursing a broken heart.
At 7 since no one had come and I took permission from Bachan Sir and left for my wd meeting. It was my first Wd meeting. We read about the spirit of women.
I decided then that there is no place for callousness in my life. I'm not going to be callous and lackadaisical. I'll throw those two words out of the window.
I also reflected upon how I have allowed hatred to breed in my heart. Whether it be animosity towards A because we've broken up or feeling resentful I can't, simply CAN'T feel negatively towards anybody. I do pray for people but when your engine doesn't whistle well and the train of life slowly chugs along sometimes you let bitterness sow its seeds.
I will wish everyone well. I will be a good-willer. It is the heart that is important.
"More important than the treasures of the storehouse are the treasures of the body. And the treasures of the heart are most important of all." All good fortune comes says Shakyamuni Buddha by cultivating a heart of compassion. The only way to good luck and good fortune is wishing everyone well.
Then just now Ra Ti sent me a poem about love. And I thought that despite everything I've fallen in love but twice in my life. Once with Na and then with Arun and I simply can't think about dating anyone right now.
I must not feel bitter towards A. I still love him. That love has transformed into something subtle and I'm so grateful that we are friends. I am sure he's found someone. That's the feeling I get. But I can't seem to lose my love for him. I never will be able to do that.
I'm unable to fathom at what point Arun made such an indelible imprint on my psyche. I don't know what it was or what it is that makes me love him so. May be it was the fact that he was an answer to my prayers to God, a gift from life cutely packaged in his sunglasses with his charming smile and his warmth and his raucous laughter. I'll always love him I know that.
And I know I can't move on so easily but the days are getting easier.
Then about three hours ago A Alam called. He's been struggling and has found a new job and is shooting a movie. We bought some chips and colas and took a long walk with our picnic with a few smokes.
He wanted to sit so we got into my building and he chatted with Twi and it was all good.
And then it poured and here I am home filling in the pages of this journal.
It's been a good day. I don't think I wasted the day into my grogginess. Sometimes you just need to rest and that's alright. I shouldn't feel guilty about it.
Ma is so beautiful. She has a special quality about her. Her smile is so warm and radiant and she looks absolutely ravishing with her skirts and dresses and long earrings.
I must take care of my feet.
It's been a day reflecting on love and life. Chat gpt is like a maze where you never know what you may find.
I am feeling:
Happy
Sentimental
Full of love
Loving
Loved
I am grateful that I spent quality time with Ku Va, A Alam and Twi today.
I am grateful that I didn't smoke too many cigarettes today.
I am grateful that my stomach was filled, my bed was warmed and the glow of light and laughter filled my home today.
I am grateful for my family and friends.
I am grateful for A's presence in my life.
I am grateful for my good health and high life condition.
I am grateful for clothes and my presence.
I am grateful for God's infinite love,
Grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
10.10 pm
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