I woke up from a dream where Arun messages me I Miss You and then I see in the dream that we are broken up. That was my morning dream.
I woke up close to 10 and went for the zadankai... i chanted for more than 35 minutes over there because I was the emcee.
The meeting was alright. We didnt sing the song. SeeDhi cut the meeting before that. AstAro had tears in her eyes while she was talking about her friend and her work.
I came home and chanted for 15 minutes. Then I gave Arun a missed call. And he called me back.
Has he found someone else?
Then I ate lunch and fell asleep. Life's pretty slow.
Arun and me spoke about the unemployment issue, briefly about CJP, about how this government should go...
Today I felt my feelings for him rushing back. I really miss him. I told him that and he was quiet. I also told him that out of all the guys I like him the most. That was also met with silence.
It's like I sleep, I journal, I chant and I smoke. Everything for me is in the mental plane. I wish I could get some action in but I feel stuck.
Also I mustnt resent Ma. I finished all the pani puris that Sadhya made.
When I was telling Arun about AstAro crying he said the problem is that there is no one to talk to about our problems. I felt him. I heard him.
We discussed the price of veggies. I really love my Arun. I actually love him.
1. Something I accomplished.
A harmonious, vibrant zadankai. Relationships. For some reason Twi ignored me downstairs so I spent time with Hassan's mom and smoked a few cigarettes. May be she didnt want to talk.
I accomplish writing this journal each day. I dont know how beneficial it is.
I also told Arun Im looking for work. And he said hed help me/recommend me.
2. Something I handled well.
Twi's silence. Friendships and relationships. Zadankai. The whole day actually. I had dal rice and fish for lunch.
3. Something I appreciated.
Zadankai, the people, the lunch, my family, Arun. Ive been thinking about Murphy's Law. If something has to go wrong it will. So Arun must be with someone else.
4. Something I did towards my future self.
I wonder how journalling is helping me towards my future. But journalling and praying.
I am feeling:
Happy
Loving
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life.
Love,
Me.
8.57 pm
Ps: What did I learn about myself today?
I learnt that I feel very diffident and small during the zadankai. That Im an exceedingly softhearted person. And that I still love Arun.
What is actually within my control?
Making time to write and job search. Being good to the people in my life.
What is one thing I will do tomorrow?
Write. And not just my journal.
9.16 pm
Ps2: 1. Something I did well.
I emceed the zadankai. I handled Twi's silence well. I spent time with Ma and Pa.
2. A promise I kept to myself.
I journalled, I chanted, I wore pretty clothes to the zadankai, I bathed, I woke up in time for the zadankai.
3. A moment when I treated myself with respect.
I didnt confront Twi on her silence. I showed my parents love.
4. Something I like about myself that has nothing to do with achievement or appearance.
Im kind. Im a good conversationalist. Im genuinely interested in people. I love sincerely. I have never cheated on a man or on anybody. I keep moving.
10 34 pm
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