Things Ive learnt about myself these 41 years of my life 9.46 pm on 25.10.2026

I was fairly intuitive ever since I can remember. In school I always knew what would happen next and that's what happened.

I remember the day I held my little brother in my arms for the first time. I fell head over heels in love with him.

I never thought I was beautiful because Ma used to call me kutsheet taeda.

It was only when I grew up and men started giving me attention that I felt that may be I am beautiful.

I was a voracious reader. I read all the Ramkrishna Mission literature, all the Somerset Maughams, all the adult books too ever since I was small.

I sexualised at a young age... at the age of three because a man in my building dealt with me inappropriately over a span of weeks.

I fell in love at the age of 12 with Nai. And I was pretty lonely in relationships. Till Arun, and may be G I didnt date guys I particularly loved. Is that everyones experience? I dated because I was so alone. ROko didnt talk much and he never picked up the cheque on any date, I did. Thats why I broke up with him.

Then there was Shyk who would come over for lunch each day and treated me very badly.

These days I feel like a really small person, really diffident, really unsure and I dont know how to feel better.

Ma has always been strict with me. She beat me up a lot when I was small. Last year she cursed me saying, You Will Die a Pauper. I find her particularly toxic. I dont think she really cares about me so much. She has always loved Buro far more.

Ive always had a good relationship with my father. My father has doted on me ever since I was small.

I come from the Royal family of Bengal... Raja Rajballabh Sen's family and I dont really know my extended family. I am also Lal Mohan Sen's great granddaughter. He was a famous artist during Tagore's time and was particularly close to Tagore.

I was particularly close to my maternal grandmother and my paternal grandmother used to tell everyone that she loves me the most. My maternal grandfather was strict. And my paternal grandfather passed away when my father was in college.

My maternal grandfather served in the Indian Ministry of Commerce as a bureaucrat.

I find my father's vision in general a little stinted. I wish he had dreamt larger dreams. And I wish my mother had been gentle and not so aggressive.

I have lofty dreams but I feel so small because of my mother wounds and I dont know how to deal with them. I really want to heal and become a self-actualised person.

How do I feel about myself:

I feel really small and broken. Ive been feeling this way for a really long time. Ive even been in therapy but I dont know if it helped with my self worth.