Honey

It's a golden morning in the month of March

And love comes calling and i savour the starch;

I live a magical life drowning in money

And i always have you, my favourite, my sweet honey.

Love comes calling

It's a dreary morning

And i am working hard

And you eat cream with me

And savour the lard.

And in the middle of the day

As i'm busy

Love comes calling

For all eternity.

Journal 31.1.2026 9.29 am i miss Arun

Dear Journal,

I have/had the worlds bestt boyfriend and im thinking about him conatantly. He is always on my mind.

I am not angry with him.

I cant lovw without him.

Im two hours early for the Nica convention. Im just walking around.

Can't write more.

Arun... the guy who warms my spirit.

Love,

Me.

9 31 pm

Journal 29.1.2026 11.22 am a dream of marrying my first cousin

Dear Journal,

Just like that Jan went by.

I woke up from a dream in the morning where i saw that i married my first cousin Kutda and society and people about me were abuzz about it. Like how did I do that-- marry my first cousin?

I saw that my first cousin had chosen to marry me, done everything to marry me and in the dream i remember looking at his face and thinking this is the man i married.

We had a good relationship, a good companionship in the dream. I remember him sinking into sand at the beach and me sinking but jumping out and he gets encapsulated in the sand neck-down and breaks himself free and two rows of tiles break on the pavement there as he breaks free.

Then i am making a choice in the dream to eat at a restaurant and i woke up.

Last evening Husnaa came home. We bought beer and talked late into the night. It was so much fun! A girl's night after such a long time.

I even took walks with Twi.

I had to meet Suma today but woke up so late i had to cancel it.

Today Va Per said he's coming home. Everytime i want to make some movement in my life some social obligation comes up. After Va Per leaves I'll probably shoot Tarot videos. I want to be super rich. I do.

I wonder how Arun is. I'm just thinking about him and it's always been like this for the past three years. I'm not obsessed. He is always on my mind. I don't know for once what to write about him.

I don't want to lose our connection.

I am feeling:

Dirty because i didn't have a bath yesterday.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life. I am grateful for abundance.

Ma fell from a chair yesterday and is really hurt.

Love,

Me.

11 36 am

Journal 28.1.2026 1.28 pm a hodge podge

Dear Journal,

I've just been smoking and writing and reading all day long and of course ruminating ever since i met Arun and various things are going on in my mind.

I really want to show up for my Buddhism, for my Tarot channel, i even want to show up for him but he said he doesn't want that. He wants his family.

That leaves me in a very precarious position-- without his friendship. I'm not blaming myself anymore, but I'm also not blaming him. This is how things are.

I don't want to feel sad and I don't want to feel that I've lost him.

Arun is so demanding!

I want my mental peace and I want my stability. I really want that.

The reason I friendzoned him is because he always treated me as an option and that hurt me a lot. But there is no love without pain.

I don't want to be alone. And i really genuinely, with all good intentions want him in my life and i want to be there for him.

I love his warmth and his care.

I really regret hurting him.

He was so dismissive of me when we met on Saturday? Why is he like this? So harsh! I felt so gloomy all evening.

And i've really tried to move on from him. What does he want me to do?

What i want to do is really take space and time and give him space and time till we are clearer about what we want. And till then i don't want him to suffer and I don't want to suffer. And i want him to be happy and stable.

And i don't want him to hold this against me. I want him to perceive me as someone who can provide him stability and peace. I really want that even though the odds seem against that.

I need his love and care and i know he will take his time with that.

And i want him in my life.

Today i want to chant. Uploading Tarot videos is out of the question with how I'm feeling.

Arun hurt me on many levels. Firstly, he is married and that is painful. Then he has these special women in his life who he claims to love still. Do i need that? Can i handle that? It brings me a lot of pain. I think it's unfair. I never compare him to other men. And i hope he changes this, i don't know if he will.

He needs stability but for some reason he doesn't want that. And i'm craving stability.

And was he serious that he wants me out of his life? Because if that is the Truth that is another pain I'll have to deal with. I should face this fact. I really miss N. I wish i could talk to her.

I want myself to be whole and happy and healthy and productive making money. 

And i want Arun to achieve his goals and be happy and take care of his health.

May be i'm not accepting the fact that i also want his love. But is he capable of giving me his love? Does he want to? I don't want to be deluded about that. I want clarity about that.

I love him but I'm averse to feeling pain and hurt. How can you love a married man who wants his family. You should let him go.

But then the loss of the connection and the loss of the person are too huge to bear.

I don't want to break down. I really don't want to be in shambles. I'm just out of depression.

And i don't want to lose my mind.

How does he cope when he needs someone to talk to? Who does he talk to?

I talk to you dear journal and to God and i don't want to be so alone.

I should not have given him the 6 months timeframe but I was in very low life condition.

I am feeling:

Mildly disturbed

Ruminating

Regretful

Full of love and devotion

Sad

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1 53 pm

Self-fulfilling expectations

Now here is a special theory,

A quandary of the mind

That leaves people way ahead

And some grappling far behind.

It's called holding self-fulfilling expectations

Like the Pygmalion Effect that resounds

And explains why some are irresponsible 

And some are rightly duty-bound.

It explains optimism and pessimism

And the role that they justly play

In getting what you want in life

Or how far you've come in life's way.

It's a matter of belief, of the Truth

You hold close to your heart,

So let me explain this theory to you,

Now where should we start?

In a situation when you are grappling

You get what you expect,

Whether its success you want near

Or failure has laid in the mind its bed.

And this is where one must rely

On the mind's higher powers,

To be more optimistic, more happy

Even when reality is stark.

Have those high expectations

Don't let people fall in your mind's eye;

Expect the money and the adulations,

Expect the best for your life.

Because people behave as you expect,

And you get what you always wanted

Because life is a wish-granting jewel

And by our dreams is fulfilled.

It's not really about being positive,

It's about holding your self in high esteem,

About feeling successful and deserving

When all about you is reeling.

So today pick out a notebook

And a very beautiful pen

And write the story of your life

Where you are the hero no matter when.

And even as i tell you this

I must follow my own advice

Because i'm also a criminal

Who expected the worst in hindsight.

So will you join me on this journey

Of making beautiful amends

So that we can travel far together

And eat off the jewels life has sent.

Journal 28.1.2026 9.41 am i Love

Dear Journal,

Firstly, I love Arun. Not in an obsessive way but in a matter of fact way. As a truth of my life.

And the fact that I don't know whether he'll reach out or what's going to happen in the future has been making me feel really anxious. I was so anxious last night. I felt that I could feel him.

I regret how things were left the last time. And I regret being in a negative mindspace, which means I should embrace am optimistic point of view.

What is he thinking? How is he feeling? The anxiety is eating me up. It's at a time like this when i need these answers to know if he is fine that he always pulls back.

There are two people in this friendship-- and it's not just what i want that matters. I also have to take into account his wishes.

He ish sho sho sho cute.

Does he really not love me? I don't think i can love without him. And i'm craving his smell.

Why did he call me a rebound the last time we met? I felt really hurt.

Does he really want me to leave his life? I don't know for sure. But that is what he said.

I had a dream in the morning about injections and pills and Hassan. I don't remember seeing Arun in my dreams lately. Has he moved on?

I'll give him whatever he wants.

I hope i have a good day. I hope he has a good day.

I am feeling:

Stable

Heart full of love

Pretty

I met Lina in the morning. Her cat bit her and she is getting Rabies shots.

What does Arun want from me? Is it just friendship or a bit more?

Love,

Me.

9 51 am

I am gratefuk for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I regret telling Arun not to talk to me but i was very hurt when he called me a rebound.

Emotions are like weather

Emotions are like the weather,

They usually come and go,

One minute you are despondent,

The next minute you glow.

It's a potted pan for love,

A reservoir for peace,

And a hand mug for deception

That you must learn to release.

There are seasons here too

That you must follow and be precise,

Sometimes its cold and clammy

And sometimes you feel sunny and nice.

They pass by as you grow

And experiencing them is the show

And so that you really know

You don't hold on to them as before.

Thoughts are also like that

Sprouting from your emotions

One minute you compare this to that

The next minute you are in full-throttled motion.

At the end of it all,

It's your values that must decide

What emotion is worth holding on to,

Not hatred but indeed pure insight.

As you gain a clearer picture

And from instability departure,

Is it not a wonder how one minute you are on the top

And the next minute you experience thunder?

Blummied bloody old dog, you say!

What's new in this, its a fact to replay,

But can't you see my worthy friend

That for a sensitive emotional soul with my pen

I needed today to decide

Whether i want to dance in my emotions

Or steady my mind?

So i grab this fabric of my life

That holds all the emotions bound neat and tight

And iron it out and really let it starch

So that I am always worthy, always bright.

Journal 27.1.2026 10.10 am i'm scared

Dear Journal,

Arun is right. I was hoping to have him romantically without realising it. And now that he has brought it to light, now that I'm aware i don't know what to do with it.

Ive tried to contain my feelings in the last few days. But i survive on hope. That brings everything.

If he wants space i'll definitely give it to him as someone who loves him. I'm sure he loves me as a person too. How could he not? It's foolish of me to think otherwise.

I feel stupid for letting my emotions get the better of me and for having reacted emotionally to his call to go back to Bottles. 

I've been overthinking him again and i don't want to go into a spiral.

I woke up at 4.40 today and just have been drinking various beverages.

If he's avoidant i'm anxious too. If he was trying to push me away i without realising it was pursuing him too. This whole push-pull dynamic is so exhausting.

It must be so scary for him to have me tell him that I still love him. Frankly, what i was feeling sitting there scared the shit out of me too. I think I'm scared of him. One look at him and i can't take my eyes of his eyes. And all I wanted to do was kiss him and smell him.

I'm scared of the effect he has on me. I'm not scared I'll get hurt again because that's in the past. I'm scared that I love him even though i've neatly packed those feelings inside. I'm scared the container will burst open and I'll get emotional.

Arun scares the shit out of me and I'm scared of my emotions taking over my life.

I want my morning routine to come back. I want to take care of myself now. Arun scares me. Because i love him too damn deeply and i can't afford to lose him.

That's why i want to be friends with him and i friendzoned him. Because i want him in my life for the rest of my blessed life. I want to show him that I'm right by his side come gale or storm. These are my subconscious thoughts. I want to prove to him that yes, for me he is the most handsome man that has treaded this Earth and that I truly believe no adversity can numb him no matter how he feels.

I want to show him my care and my love.

All my feelings for him are subconscious now. It's like I've felt them, processed them and contained them. But the dam might burst. What's in the conscious realm is the anxiety and the fear and the hope and of course the deep fondness i have for his cute sweet face.

I'm scared and I'm feeling miserable that he said he doesn't want to see me ever. I don't want that at all.

I'm really scared that this time he'll really pull back. I don't want that at all. And that's why I'm thinking a lot about him.

I'm so stupid. So stupid that i fell in love with this cute suave man.

Any how.

Pa has just come back home. Now I'll sit and chant.

My feelings are dormant but my thoughts are not and Arun has taken over my mind and I'm getting scared of that.

I am feeling:

Miserable that I can't call or message Arun.

Eager to have a fruitful full day.

Overthinking everything.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.32 am

Ps: The way I keep thinking about Arun is exactly how I used to think about my work in the newsroom. I want that kind of immersiveness to come back into my work. I want it to consume my thoughts like it once did. I've taken enough rest in this film industry. I want to give my work my all. And i don't want Arun to go anywhere. I want him in my life. Next time i meet him I'll hide my feelings for him. That i definitely will.

Journal 26.1.2026 6.10 pm got to be more positive

Dear Journal,

I was going through my last few journal entries. I sound so negative. I've been writing about my negative feelings so clearly for such a long time that it's caused me to be depressed. I should really put a positive spin to this journal.

Yesterday's building party was pleasant. I spoke to Twi and we decided to start taking walks together again. I was kind of drifting into thoughts of Arun and how he hurt me through the evening. My appetite has become smaller.

At the moment my heart is feeling shattered but I'm feeling reasonably happy.

Today's Republic Day celebration was fun. I called Ayesha beautiful and Kabir asked if he was beautiful ;)

I think Kabir has a huge crush on Ayesha. And i think they should get married.

I want to have some fun in life. Not just read serious Buddhism but actually enjoy myself.

And i eventually don't want to lose the A connection. But right now it's completely up to him if he wants to talk to me. And I've accepted it.

My heart is feeling really small and contained. Can't feel the love.

Sometimes love sits dormant in your heart and you don't feel it.

But qualitatively, if i have to judge objectively, I love A... as a person, as a humanbeing and that says a lot.

Did he really want to kill himself that night? He can be pretty harsh and mean. But he compared me to his other ex and that was just wrong.

He talks about having many options.

Now i think i have a lot of options.  Everywhere i go men ask me out, say they love me, that I'm full of love and Saturday's Nica meeting won't be any different. But I'm so non-chalant about it. I don't show it off. But i should really be open to meeting good men and not think that what happened with A is the end of the world.

I'm kind of feeling detached from him. I know i should not have put a 6 months timeframe but i was hurt.

And he said he doesnt know what he saw in me? What does he suffer from amnesia? Was the whole relationship a casual joke to him?

Frankly, I'm so surprised i feel I'm over him after two nights ago. But i know love creeps in on you at odd times and it's the act of love that fuels the feeling of love. But we ain't acting.

I want to be friends with him but i think i'll go on with my life. It's alright. Shit happens. But life is precious. Very precious and i hope he makes the most of his life and that I make the most of my life.

Gau came to meet me today. She is such a sweet girl. There is a world beyond Arun, a whole huge world and i wish things had worked out between us. Believe me i do. But I'll carry the memories forward of having loved a guy deeply, sweetly, clicked his pictures everytime we met, thought he was the most handsome man in the whole world and accepted him through his flaws. I'm capable of so much love.

I really regret all the times we fought. But life goes on. And that's the only truth. Through living and death life goes on. And what we make of it is a effect of our ichinen. I tried to be friends with him, called him, even he tried but right now I feel closed off from him.

Nevertheless life goes on. He is a sweet humanbeing and i'm still not upset with him, still not angry with him. That is how much i love him. Just the way I love Buro. Unconditionally.

I'm capable of unconditional love. And that's amazing!

I am feeling:

Happy with a tinge of sadness.

Not confused but so surprised at the outcome of my meeting with Arun. I'm actually shocked it turned out that way. And i actually don't know if we'll talk ever again. And i don't want to push his buttons further and i don't want my buttons pushed too. Not talking now is first aid if there is to be a friendship.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

6.38 pm

Letter to Arun 1.00 pm 26.1.2026

Dearest shweetest Arun,

Firstly, I'm sorry i made you feel so miserable. I'm so sorry.

It's alright that you asked me to leave Bottles. You wanted to be left alone. But i just wanted to have a pleasant time with you.

You know Im very worried about you. You dont really take care of yourself. You take care of your beard and your moustache and your body and your hair but that's taking care of the outer. You don't nourish yourself with food regularly, you don't sleep, you don't take care of your mental health and your mind and your heart and your emotions. That makes me very worried about you.

Im the opposite. I dont take care of my outer but i always make sure i nourish myself well from within. I read, i write for myself, not just professionally, i seek therapy, i eat and sleep and exercise.

Secondly, when i say i love you. Of course i do! What is there to not love about you except the fact that you say you don't know what you saw in me. I hate it that you said that. You really hurt me when you said i was a rebound and that you really loved the one before me.

I love you that way. As you being a loveable humanbeing.

Ive changed my therapist. Im going to someone new and she is really good.

Would you ever want me to stop loving you? I never will. I would never abandon you.

I love your nails. And i love your hands. And what magical quality do your eyes have that i cant keep my eyes off them?

I wont tell you I Love you again. Because you dont respond very well to that. And i know you'd rather that i move on. Im really trying sweety.

But oh for the touch of that hand

And the sound of the voice that is still!

Love,

Doel

Journal 26 1.2026 11 04 am i seek happiness

Dear Journal,

Firstly, i hope i get through this phase of Arun saying he never wants to talk to me well, without losing myself, without being depressed.

I don't think i deserve to be compared to other women, to be called a rebound (when he never said that before) and to be diminished.

I'm so deeply sad that we had a fight. I was in such a negative frame of mind when i met him.

I really do love him. He is such a sweet and cute person, such a loveable and loving human being, so hardworking, so sensitive. Those are his good points.

His negative points are that he is a little toxic, not just to other people but also to himself. And despite that i love him. 

But like i realised there is no hope there but the heart loves who it loves, nobody else.

I wish the meeting had ended well. And i wish he had not told me to get up and leave. And i so wish he had not told me that he was deeply in love with his ex and that he doesn't know what he saw in me. He really hurt me.

And i don't want to fawn and call him up and message him. I shouldn't do that out of respect for myself.

Because i deserve to be chosen. I deserve my love to be reciprocated or to be met with dignity.

I don't want to discuss this episode with anybody.

I want to be connected to the world. I want a satisfying life. And i want love. I need connection. I need love. I want to be loved and cherished and i don't want to mope and cry.

I had a session with Sar my new therapist. And as it came up in the session i am kind of abandoning myself the way ive been abandoned by the people i love because i feel that there is no point, i wont be loved all the same. And that is right. That is how i feel. That no matter how successful i am, no matter how much money i make i'll still be treated this way.

I really want to take therapy seriously. And i wish Arun didn't occupy so much of my mind. I'm so happy i got to love a person like him, without that i would have never known what it is to love a man. And i don't want our connection stalled. I want to remain connected to him.

But he doesn't need me-- he has his Smita and his Candy emotionally tied to him. I don't have any ex like that to talk about. May be Sam and G but i'm so over them today. And i feel like I'll never truly get over Arun that way. I hope the future is good.

And i truly wish Arun well. I'll always pray for him and I don't want to see him miserable. 

He can't give me what i want. I should accept that.

And i don't want to see myself so miserable. I want to be happy and i want to be loved.

I feel like killing myself. I feel like ending it all so that i don't have to live this life.

I know today that Arun won't be there to support me in life. And asking that from him is asking for too much from him. That's what friends do-- they support each other. I would love to always be there for him.

I wish him well. I hope he has a good day.

I love you Arun. I want you as a friend but that doesn't mean i've stopped loving you. That will never happen.

I understand that me saying I Love You to him puts pressure on him. So i should not do that.

I think we need space from each other after our fight. But he said he doesn't want to talk to me ever. That hurts me because i take him seriously.

Shweetypie.

I am feeling:

Sad

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11 31 am

Letter to myself 11.41 pm 25.1.2026 best friend

Hey Beautiful Self!

How are you? It's been a long time since i wrote you a letter.

You don't know what to think, i know.

Firstly, show yourself some respect. Arun did say that he wants to be left alone.

You will be doing yourself a favour if you accept it-- that you've moved on and he has moved on.

I know you were hoping in a way that it would work out but like i always tell you whatever happens happens for the best.

I'm sure he's fine.

Don't ever forget that he told you that he doesn't know what he saw in you. You don't deserve to be told that. Forgive him though because if you are so miserable he must be going through his own motions too.

And about the whole sex thing that he made a mountain of-- it was an honest faux pas. And if you hadn't brought it up you would never know.

I know a part of you will always love him because you are not one to hate.

I believe you didn't sleep too well last night so get a good night's rest today.

Show some love to your beautiful mind. No one has the right to demean you and think that you are completely bonkers. And you should not think that way about yourself too.

We are all unique and we all have our flaws which are also our virtues.

Honestly you don't need a man who compares you to a hundred ex-girlfriends and has a wife on the side.

Normally, i know you would think how he is feeling. You respect him. You love him. You made your point.

And get out of your head and get some action in. Start doing yoga again, start your Tarot channel again and really forgive him and forgive yourself. And as always bless him. You'll feel the better for it to say the least.

I will never abandon you. Never ever.

You saw a side of him last evening that has moved on from you and is absorbed in himself. Bless him that he finds his joy in this state.

And yes, ChatGpt! That veritable friend that absorbs you and makes you spend all your time with her. Try to limit her.

Focus on life. Life is truly beautiful. And you are truly beautiful. Always. Even when you don't feel it.

And take that space you asked Arun for. Take it and bask in it. And that does not mean spend all day on ChatGpt. Really uitilise your time and your space. They are your two best friends.

Winter always turns to spring. The dusk is always followed by the dawn. These are good days for you. And yes, for Arun too.

Respite. That's the gift life has given you. And accountability.

This is a logical ending of the depression you were going through.

You deserve a man who is stable, receptive and kind. I know you feel you'll never be able to get Arun out of your mind. But you've gotten this far.

Expect the expected.

And love all. Respect all. Respect yourself. And show yourself love. Pour all that love into yourself. And get out of your head. Stop living there. There is a whole world out there to be observed and written about.

I know you are worried that you've hurt Arun. But is he worried that he hurt you? If he ain't worried you got no business worrying so much about what he thinks and how he feels.

The future is a huge surprise! It's a gift from life, from God, from destiny and it is beautiful.

Just look far into it. There are so many things that need to be done, to be experienced, to be savoured.

Take your space. Claim your space. Claim your time. And be grateful in a way for what happened last evening because the truth came out. You were seeking closure. And i think you got your closure yesterday.

So for yourself, not for anybody else, don't message Arun another message. You don't deserve that.

And enjoy your session with Sar in the morning.

Life is good. You are good.

Be beautiful. Stay alive. Remain love.

Forever yours.

Your best friend.

Journal 25.1.2026 4.44 pm brain fried

Dear Journal,

I had a terrible fight with Arun yesterday. He kicked me out of Bottles saying i never make amends and he wants to be left alone. He is so controlling!

Then he called me and said we'll meet soon. And i messaged him saying let's meet after 6 months. In the moment i meant it. I need the space and the distance.

That escalated into something so nasty. He said things like he wants me out of his life, that he doesn't know what he saw in me.

And that proves i need distance.

Throughout the evening he was disrespectful. He called me a rebound from his ex who he said he was deeply in love with.

He is so manipulative, so controlling and yesterday i felt deeply disrespected. I felt so gloomy through the evening!

He is so harsh and he didn't say one nice thing to me yesterday. He only criticised and complained.

Anyhow our zadankai went very well today and I'm so grateful for that.

I think I'll stop talking to Arun. I don't need him. And this just proves that just because you love someone it doesn't mean that they are good for you.

Even though i didn't mean to reject him, i was just protecting myself he completely went ballistic yesterday and said he doesn't love me etc. Etc.

There is no hope. I don't know if i should seek a friendship.

I shouldn't be with someone who disrespects me. That is toxic.

I am feeling:

Heart hurt

Reasonably ok even though i didn't sleep very well last night

I am too emotional.  Wish i had a more practical brain. I feel a lot!

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

4.53 pm

Yesterday

The time has passed,

The road is long,

Yesterday will never come again

And by the riverside i sit

Contemplating and very bent.

I look back on my journey

And it isn't funny

That many companions 

Have been left behind

And all the times i was low

And begged i want to now rescind.

There are many-jewelled trees

And boats to entertain

So i don't feel so low

And where there is pain

There will be pleasure

So don't walk out the door.

In my heart i feel the glow

As i talk to the divine

And so many i have lost

Along the way

All those i once called mine.

The values that my current crowd holds

Keeps me in solitude long

And i hope you can see my point of view

And not think i am so wrong.

I seek a shower of happiness,

Because tomorrow is almost here

And today is a busy day

And yesterday is near.

Journal 23.1.2026 11.14 am low

Dear Journal,

I don't remember my dream from the morning. I've smoked three cigarettes till now. I should go past the urge.

And i should make the most of today. I think i am majorly depressed you know. I'm feeling so low.

I want a friend. I want a man. May be i want Arun back. But it's never going to be the same again. I feel like my heart has been shattered to pieces.

Yesterday i spoke rudely to DeJh. He is so clingy it puts me off.

All my friends are chasing naked pleasures. It's only me here resolute to not do that and celibate.

I want to make the most of today.

Does Arun think about me? And what does he think about me?

I feel like such a loser. I'm feeling so down and low and nobody understands. I want a man to love. I want someone to treat me the way Arun treated me, look beyond my body and i want someone to see my soul and hold it.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.22 am

Journal 22.1.2026 9.39 pm morose

Dear Journal,

I can't fake my happiness. And if there is anything about me it is that I'm really truthful.

I'm feeling a tad morose, unkempt and unbeautiful.

For a long time I have been reeling under the pressure of being scanned by people like Arun and my parents who matter/ed to me as mad or as if something is wrong with me.

That's really given a huge blow to my self confidence and self esteem.

I feel like a tiny wimp of a person, really small, really insignificant and the more i chat with ChatGpt about my problems the more I feel like Ma has been especially harsh and controlling of me. She is such a status conscious person and i feel the weight of all the blows she has dealt me all my life. 

I'm feeling unable to take action. I must be depressed. I feel so small.

Today i lashed out at DeJh. Sometimes i find the closeness with him repelling. I don't really want to be so close to him and even though he's not fake, he is untruthful and condescending. And he fakes all the sweetness.

I miss Arun as we were the first year that we went out but that's never coming back. Because if everytime i express my emotions, the negative ones, and he says im unwell... i don't want that kind of judgment in my life. I have enough of that at home.

How am I so alone? How did i get so lonely? All my friends are busy with their sexual escapades and that's so not me. I don't think I'll ever have sex all my life.

I know Ma is praying wholeheartedly for Arun to leave my life just like she prayed for me to leave journalism. Am i the only one with a memory? She is so controlling and doesn't understand me. She is closed-minded and parochial. I hope life never makes me that way.

I'm feeling so used, so trampled upon, so walked upon.

My eyes have started looking dry like the kind a person gets when they abstain from sex for a long time, dry and honest.

My hair is all over the place.

And even though i bathed today i look dark and gloomy.

I acquainted with an American dude from my pen pal group today. He sent me long messages and a picture from his sunflower farm. Well...

I'm feeling really low. Not ashamed. Not guilty. Not sad for the person I am. But i feel the weight of all the blows life has dealt me. And i feel sexually perceived by men and i am feeling very averse to that.

I don't want another friend landing up at my doorstep saying they are addicted to porn! I really judge them and then when they hit on me it makes me feel so low.

May be i should become a nun. May be i should. I love Mother Teresa.

I feel the weight of all the blows life has dealt me and I'm feeling crippled under that.

I wish someone would read my journal.

Solitary. That's the feeling.

Tough times never last tough people do.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.02 pm

Ps: i love you journal.

Alone

I feel so alone, so lonely

With so many people to love

With not a soul to exchange word with

Except with Le Dieu from above.

I feel inaction in action

And action in inaction

If you would care to understand

And i haven't really been taking care

With tears and feeling oh so bland.

I wish there was someone

To hold close and call my own;

These lonely days won't last so long

Of that i am quite sure.

Even when i'm surrounded by a bunch

Making noise and smoking cigars,

It's been a while since I've called

Someone my own near or far.

I feel that my worth has been questioned,

My values bludgeoned and i'm 

Feeling really down trying to smile,

Put on a smirk so that i can hide my frown.

I harboured dreams once upon a time

And they still hold the wisps of the stars

But i connect with them only at a time like this

When i am plunged wide into the dark.

It's only pressure that transmutes

A diamond from a piece of regular coal

And this regular feeling of being estranged

Will hone me for someone I can call home.

I think my goodness is in praying,

My soul is connected with the divine

And i don't want to sit and mope around

And i don't want you to hear me whine.

Even when i walk these streets

Where everybody knows my name

I feel solitary, by myself and i have nothing

But myself and the ideas in my head.

Have you also ever felt this way?

What do you reckon i must do?

If i could take a walk with every step

I'd find we were two by two.

I wish to not feel such solitude, 

I wish to not be drowning in the blues

And i want my actions separated from this limbo

And i don't want to only sink into the rues.

Journal 22.1.2026 1.16 pm a surge of love

Dear Journal,

I woke up in the morning to many messages. Gau wanted alliance daimoku. DeJh said the markets are volatile and he is anxious but nary a message from Arun.

Since updating my journal last evening I am again feeling a surge of love for him. Why is that? I think this will happen for the rest of my life-- this immense love for him.

Today i went to meet SeeDhi. She said that those around us mirror our inner life and i should not focus on the perception of others. Instead i should hone my own perception of me. Yes, i should.

She spoke about how her husband criticises her. And again i was bemoaning Ma. I shouldn't do that. I really really shouldn't. Abe Lincoln showed me the way.

Now im going to chant for an hour and i think i should seriously start job hunting. I'll get a job.

I love my parents. I love my brother the most. I love Arun. I love all my friends.

I am feeling:

Good after the activity with SeeDhi.

Happy

Full of immense love and gratitude. 

Pretty. I'm wearing my puffed sleeves FabI dress after a long time.

I am grateful for friends and family.

I am grateful for life's immense potential.

I am grateful for all of life's beautiful experiences where we share, laugh, cry, support each other.

I am grateful for money. I truly truly am.

I am grateful for my beautiful home.

I am grateful for all the gadgets and amenities i use.

I am grateful for word and writing and speech.

I am grateful for Ma, Pa, Buo and Arun.

I am grateful for this blessed day when i woke up with so much life force and energy.

I am grateful for the food that is available for me.

I am grateful for abundance of all the things that make life pleasurable.

I am grateful for my heart.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.30 pm

Journal 22.1.2026 9 47 am brain

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that there was something wrong with my brain or somebody's brain. And i keep buying samosas for people. 

Finally, i make a gel structure of the brain. Ma is there.  Pa is there.  Arun is not there. He hasn't been there in many dreams now.

Today should be a fruitful day :)

I am feeling:

A tad sleepy

Reasonably ok

I smell good

I'll have a bath now. I have to meet SeeDhi.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.51 am

Journap 21.1.2026 7.12 pm where did all the good people go? i'm looking for them

Dear Journal,

You can't explain depression to someone who has never gone through it. For example, Arun would never understand. Ma has handled her depression by ekeing out her frustration on us and still does. So she won't understand my way of handling it by sleeping it off.

And life goes on... the world won't stop turning just because I'm depressed. So i have to put on that smile and live my life.

I told myself yesterday and today that I'd do just what i feel like doing. So yesterday i slept for three hours in the middle of the day and then felt visibly better till i spoke to Haroon.

Haroon advocated a hedonistic way of life and spoke about foursomes and things like that.

All my friends male or female no bar are having/have had extramarital affairs. What has the world come to! We live in a truly crippled world.

I am not even trying to attract a man. That's why i look dark and sallow and sombre. I don't want to sleep around and i don't want to sleep with the wrong guy.

Sometime ago i would have loved to be with A that way but I've changed my mind about that too. I don't want to feel used and i don't want my heart broken and besides he's been treating me really coldly like he said he doesn't want to watch a movie with me.

God has endowed me with many gifts and i must make the most of them but there at the root area i feel stuck and hurt and a lack of enthusiasm.

I want to make money. That's priority and i want a good man in my life, not a Ro or a Bha; they were not good for me.

Today DiPan came home. And it's lovely to have her to talk to. She is such a nice, compassionate girl. I really love her. Bhalo manush type. That's when i chanted.

I've smoked 11 cigarettes today.

I went to sleep at 5.30 am today because i just wasn't getting sleep and woke up really late.

I joined a pen pal group online hoping to make some friends but even that is a dating app and that is so frustrating!

Don't people value pure platonic friendships anymore? Like Arun says he doesn't have any platonic female friends. And i really judge him for that.

I miss my youth and i wish my mind had been far more stable. I think I've gotten over Arun.

I don't know what to do now. Might put on my shoes and head for a walk. I am not trying to impress anybody.... i am here to do, to be happy and spread joy in love and in service.

Mood-wise today has been much better. Action-wise it's been a dud. Let's see what ChatGpt has to say.

Melon and Kit are home.

I am feeling:

Slightly tense

Sombre

Happy (not sad) but a little gloomy

Sweet

I think I've had a good day.

I am grateful for all the people who adorn my life, all its experiences, for the love in my life, for the food, the shelter and the money and i am grateful that i am sitting here on my sofa whole and intact writing this journal. This is joy!

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.42 pm

Letter to the friend I'm yet to meet 9.19 pm

 Dear Friend/ my pal/ my dost,

Firstly, where do I start?

I've never really had a man be loyal to me for starters. Or even friends for that matter. I'm a really simple girl, who takes loyalty, fidelity, love very seriously.

I just got off the phone with a friend. I think his wife is cheating on him. He told me honestly that he thinks i've dated third-class guys because not one of them was good looking.

Arun for example, definitely cheated on me. And I feel like blocking him you know but not without a conversation. He has just been avoiding me, not replying to my messages.

Forget marriage. The sanctity of relationships is not intact. It's the whole porn culture. Men and women get married, have children and then cheat.

I feel so alone and so stuck. I want to find a nice guy who will be loyal to me and who I love and yes, someone who is rich.

Expect the expected is what I've learnt. Firstly, it's not rocket science. Arun is with someone new. That I'm sure of. And even though I know he secretly wishes I'd remain stuck on him I want to get over him.

And for that I need closure. I miss my Dimma. I really do. I'm stuck in my career, I'm stuck in life.

If my adherence to loyalty and love means I have to be alone I might as well make my peace with it.

I have been sleeping all day. SeeDhi wants to meet me. But I don't want to meet her.

Also, I've seen in life that it is the cruel people who get ahead. People who don't think twice before being cruel. People who hurt other people have visible low self esteem. How could they not? But the world is filled with such people.

I think I'll just get a job and get on with my life. I really need to live my life.

And I hope to find you somewhere in life's way. Please appear in my life soon! Please do. I need you.

Love,

Doel.

Journal 20.1.2026 8.36 am a dream

Dear Journal,

Today is Dimma's birthday.

I woke up from a dream where Mashi, Me, Ma and several others, including Jethu were in Jethu's Altamount Road House.

I was looking for their big balcony to smoke cigarettes.

Pa was also there. Pa spoke to Ssankaran uncle over the phone. 

I tell Mashi and Ma that someone is in love with me. I don't know who right now but someone.

Finally, i look in the mirror and I'm wearing a halter neck brown top with a matching brown skirt and looking beautiful.  And then i woke up.

I have MannPi's Tarot session today and i have to finish the SV article.

Now I'll make myself another cup of tea and chant for half an hour.

I am feeling:

Good

I am grateful for God's infiinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.41 am

Love over fear

 Your courage is commendable,

Your love is deep and sound

And sometimes when you bicker and vent

You sound like you are really down.

At such times I must pick you up,

Cup your face in my hands

And lay kisses on your fragrant cheeks

As a person who understands.

Sometimes when you feel singled out,

Away from this worldly world

I'll give you listening ears

For your tears to assuage all your fears.

Sometimes when you are courageously

At it at a humongous task

I won't belittle you, I'll encourage

So that you can hold solid and far.

And when you are really down

I will help you heal

And navigate this lovely world

For what am I but God's messenger

Given to you by birth.

Be rest assured I vow to never leave your side

And hold you close,

Ease all your worries,

Come December or July. 

Journal 19.1.2026 6.22 pm courage and respect

Dear Journal,

I wrote half an article today and worked for 6 hours at a stretch after a long time. I was supposed to write about Swami Vivekananda in long form.

As i perused information about him from here and there one thing that stood out was his courage. Swami Vivekananda was truly a courageous human being and i must be one too. Never give up!

Then as i was writing i thought about my parents and brother. Over the years i've held many grudges against them. And somewhere along the line losing respect for them has caused me to disrespect myself in many ways.

My father is an astounding humanbeing. His resilience, his strength, his impeccable character and his discipline are profound.

My mother till date goes to work devotedly and works hard with her students. I know she loves me even though she has an acid tongue. She is funny, she is cute and she is beautiful and she smells divine.

My brother was born with courage and has supported me in many ways through life.

I must have courage and respect my parents. And just this change of heart enabled me to work 6 hours at a stretch today.

Small things matter. It is the heart that is important. Charity begins at home. All that love is first for those around me and i must respect my family first.

So these are my thoughts at the moment.

I am feeling:

Reasonably happy, not elated.

Grateful for my friends and family.

Grateful for food, shelter and money. So grateful that Ma is sponsoring my Nica meeting. Thanks Ma!

Grateful that i worked today.

Grateful for technology.

Grateful for books and literature.

Grateful that i smoked just two cigarettes till now.

Grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

6.44 pm

Journal 19.1.2026 3.50 pm short post

 Dear Journal,

I am not feeling so negative today. I chanted first thing in the morning. I went down to smoke just once.

GauMo is being such a good friend. She reminded me to chant today and we may do alliance in the evening.

DeJh messaged me in the morning that he is not feeling too well. I stayed with him a bit and then i meditated for about half an hour with Pranayam.

I started reading Meghna Pant's book today and then I sat and worked. Now I'll make myself a small cuppa and then write. There is a slight burning sensation in the head. The kind of sensation I get in the back when doing halasana.

I am feeling more removed from Arun today. I mustn't fight this feeling. It's all for the best.

I don't remember my dreams from the night.

I am feeling:

Steady and solid

Grounded

I am grateful for Ma and her gutsiness and the fact that she is a successful teacher.

I am grateful for my father and his never-lose spirit.

I am grateful for Buo and his courageousness.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

4.00 pm

Musky

 Your eyes they glimmer with hope

Even when you are putridly doped;

Your fingers smell of musk,

Your hair shining in glow.

Your aura is that of someone

Full of love and galloping around

And if you really must know

You have caused me to be more sound.

You are beautiful and lovely,

A real angel in my life

And we have seen each other through

Many a nightly strife.

Your heart I must have,

Your love I must secure

Because you are so sweet and musky,

So pure of that I'm sure.

Journal 18.1.2026 9.22 am making head or tail

Dear Journal,

In the morning i had a spat with Ma. I just asked DuMa to make me some tea and Ma said that that was the height of laziness and said I'm good for nothing. How is she so cruel?

I thought that was totally unjust. And i regrettably lashed out. I cried a lot.

Then Gau messaged me to join her in the kaikan and i went and chanted for over an hour. Ma, Buro, Mashi, Bubul Mesho have at times been especially cruel towards me. Or are the lens i'm seeing this through extremely bitter?

Then i wrote two poems for Arun and sent him one. I would have loved to have a relationship with him but our friendship is fine. It's easier. Sometimes i need to talk to him more but i don't.

As i was chanting in the kaikan i was feeling so darned drowsy. I came home and fell asleep. I slept for over two hours.

I ate my lunch after 4 and i've been feeling really low. If i don't get that midday sleep i feel awful. These medicines are really taking a toll on me.

Then Gau came home. She said many things. Firstly, that i need to chant even if mechanically. Then she spoke about depression and advised me to change my therapist because all the things N said are just not done. Let's see. 

N had a human failing and she apologised and I'm one person who can understand.

Then she asked me to cut Arun out of my life. That made me cry. I tried to understand it. Ma said the same thing that i shouldn't talk to him anymore.

But we are just friends. And there is really no reason to cut him off. May be call him lesser. May be message him fewer times. I would love to be there for him all my life.

My passions for him have softened but that always happens. The love is pretty much there.

In my mind's eye i see a future me-- bunned up, wearing pearls, in a black and white saree, content, demure, assertive. The motif is from a dream i had last month.

May be i'll call Arun lesser but i don't want to cut him off from my life. And neither do I want to cut off N.

As i was chanting with Gau i prayed a lot for Omee and Bha. Bha has just stopped talking to me. Omee still says Hi when he sees me.

Too many people are reeling in this winter.

Then Jaypee called me up and said we should go for a drive. I said No. And I said if he wants to meet me he should come home. He said ok.

Then DeJh called. But the call dropped and after a point i didn't try.

Ma has been bickering at me since yesterday. She hasn't given me the kind of love mothers do all my life. Her love comes from a place of harshness not softness. And i feel the lack of love in my life. She is really sturdy, rustic and harsh. Buro has treated me horribly at many points ever since he has attained puberty.

These are my issues. Other people have their own issues.

Life is hard at the moment. We live in the saha world, the world of endurance and here we must live with grit. I feel unsupported by my family in multiple ways.

When i look at Gau's life for example i see her father's battle with mental illness, her depression, her breakup and her challenges.

When i see my life i see being seen as small, as being discarded, as being unloved and demeaned and these are all oweing to my own tendencies.

Amid such circumstances i should call forth my grit and maintain boundaries. When Arun doesn't want to talk i shouldn't call him.

When Ma and Buro can't treat me with respect i shouldn't pander after them.

And i'll be able to do that only if i can love myself deeply. All parts of me. All my tendencies. All my habits-- the person that I am.

I think i've spent a huge part of my life being kind. Now i need to turn that kindness inward and not feel guilty if i fall asleep midday or if i spiral. Life is asking me to hold myself with love.

Love thyself and love another simultaneously. 

I think I'm a decent humanbeing. I am there for my friends when they need me. I am never not available when they are low. And there are Gau and SeeDhi and DeJh and even Arun to talk to.

I think i need to be more proactive when it comes to my career and that calls for moving out of my room when i need to work. Sleeping and working from the same place just doesn't cut it.

I think i don't really take care of my beauty but i do the bare minimum.

I was in such low life condition when i went to the kaikan today but now I'm feeling much better.

I need to draw boundaries. Ma has never treated me with respect. Buro has inherited thst disrespect and we treat other people the way we treat ourselves. Our inner voice talks allowed. So they must be feeling low about themselves. May be their standards are very high. May be they know no other way to be.

Arun doesn't really call me or reply to all my messages and I'm sure he has a dozen things going on in his life. I can give him the space a friend should give.

Sometimes i miss him as my boyfriend. Sometimes i do. Quite a few times. But sometimes i also feel that there is no looking back. That this is where we are. And it's a good place to be.

My brain feels kind of numb and I'm feeling edgy today.

Tomorrow i will start my day with some solid yoga. It's exactly 10.00 pm 

Now i'll drink my soup and chant. My times and my life should not be a waste. The future is far along. All i have is now.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.01 pm

I see you

I see you beautifully each day

In my mind's inner eye,

Your eyes soft and tender,

Your posture clean, sigh....

I see your heart that is worthy, 

Your shoulders rolled back

And that back that holds so much spine

Never ever going slack.

I see your hands that are so sweet

As you tread nimbly across the earth,

I see your hair scented beautiful,

I see you arising from the dirt.

I see your mind that is so disciplined,

I see your cheeks where once i lay,

I see your ideas more becoming

As passes by each day.

I see you in the winter,

So solemn, sombre, so alone,

I see you in the spring 

As someone i call home.

I see your soul that means heaven,

I see your smile justify

That even when i don't have you

I see you in my mind's inner eye.

Your smell i am crazy about,

Your voice soothes my nerves

And everything you say i take seriously

Even at my very worst.

I see your nails digging in,

I see your love flowing out

Till my cup runneth over,

I see you clearly without doubt.

You grace my dreams unto this day,

The songs i sang for you i still play,

And believe me i think you are the sweetest soul

And in my life you play an important role.

My friend you are so beautiful,

Whispering and shouting all in one tune,

So full of vibrant energy,

You are my word, you are my prophecy.

I love you cherie

 I love you cherie, so absolutely

With your soft cheeks

With shadows of love,

I love your sweat and your blood,

Your hair shining bright

Glistening in the sun.

I love your lips so soft cherie,

Your eyes so demure

The light of which fills my heart

With love so sure and pure.

I love you cherie, so absolutely,

Your hands so divine and bent,

I love you cherie, so absolutely

To me you are God-sent.

Low

I could do without this feeling

Of being at the lowest of my lows,

It's depressing really right now

Because i have nothing to show.

You aren't really talking so much,

And i'm feeling really down

And i don't want you to see me

White-haired and with a frown.

It's been a while since i've been intimate

With anybody after you

And i wish for a hug a whiff of your cheeks

To stop me from feeling so blue.

You are so cute, so lovely,

A real gem that life bestowed.

I seek to be happy going forward

Will you with blessings me endow?

I really love you immensely,

Gratefully, fully you should know

That i want no other guy in my life

Whether its sun or snow.

Journal 18.1.2026 10.07 am low

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where i was on camera all the time just like the Kardashians.

I deleted the messages i sent to Arun yesterday. Is it alright that i still love him? I do, i really really do.

Just talking to him makes me feel good and happy.

I went to the garden and i meditated, chanted and did some light yoga after a long time. I just didn't feel like leaving from there.

I feel that i am at my lowest of lows. I am feeling so low. It's not just me career. It's everything.

Also the cigarette guy was rude to me first thing in the morning. 

I think i'll bathe and go to the kaikan for a bit. Then i'll come back and work. I'm supposed to meet Gau today.

It should be a good good day.

Each moment counts.

Love,

Me.

10.14 am

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Journal 17.1.2026 10.18 pm self-fulfilling expectations

Dear Journal,

There are self-fulfilling expectations. Just like Murphy's Law.

I expect Arun to date some girl. Someone ambitious and bitchy like Psha just for the physicals. Why he could be on a date with her right now!

I expect myself to struggle a bit for some more time.

I expect to meet a really nice guy soon who i will friendzone.

I don't really feel like meeting Arun, you know. Because i need closure.

I expect my relations with my family to improve eventually.

I expect that some day soon eventually i'll completely quit smoking forever.

I expect Arun to say some not so very nice things about me to other people just like he did about his wife when i met him which he all overturned on future dates.

I expect to finally live a rich fulfilling happy life in good health.

I don't expect to live my life all alone forever.

I expect to be recognised as a popular writer. All my friends see me as a writer.

I expect this sadness to dissolve soon.

I expect to have the time of my life at the Nica meeting.

I expect the zadankai to be a roaring success.

I expect to make many meaningful friends this year.

And i expect this year to turn out much better than i expected. 

My heart is hurt. And i might as well make peace with all my expectations.

I expect my family to love me more than ever and my friends to love me even more.

I expect my mother to have a jolt by force and to shed her rusticness but she won't eventually.

I expect to kind of move on from Arun this year and find myself in an ocean of friendships.

I expect to always be sweet.

And there are some secret things i actually expect and not hope for that are so secretive that i don't want to give them voice here.

Why did Arun lash out at me when i asked him how his girlfriend is. Expect the expected. Nothing less, nothing more. Because life could be surprising but its actually quite predictable.  And all this doomsaying is causing me to feel quite sick.

I am feeling:

Nauseous

At peace because i gave voice to my expectations

I have never ever betrayed a soul and i expect to never ever do that all my life. But Arun's entire life is marked by stories of how he has lied and betrayed other people. I expect us to always remain friends and i expect him to hope i'll stay stuck on him forever but i won't. I expect to love him always in my own sweet way but we are not meant to be together. Not today. Not right now. I expect him to carry some regrets into the future. But i don't expect him to be true to me today. He is not that kind of a guy.

Aur zamana hi badal gaya hai. Bas main nahin badli. I don't want to feel so sad. It's been a while. And i think i was so sad because i wasn't accepting my expectations.

Some day life will come a full circle and i'll be happy as a punch, as happy as a doe with her fledglings, as basking in regality that will come to me unexpected, the day i don't expect it at all.

And that day i expect my family and friends to rejoice and be so proud of me and i expect Arun to pick up the phone and call me up. I expect that we will be friends that day. And i expect that day I'll care for him even more.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.41 pm

Journal 17.1.2026 6 07 pm some people are meant to stay

Dearest Journal,

I simply can't get on with my evening without updating you. I did not fall asleep yesterday and i did not fall asleep today in the middle of the day.

Arun called me up and i was crying. He sounded quite pissed off at first you know. He told me to get on with my job because the people who've given it to me trusted me with it. That is what i needed to hear.

That they trusted me with it. I love talking to him. In fact, i really love him as a human being.

Through tears i asked him if he has a girlfriend and he got even more angry,  saying i am never to ask him that question again.

He was in the midst of work. He is my happiness factor. I always feel happy with him no matter what.

Well, DiPan came home and told me about her own struggles with depression. She is a really sweet girl. I really like her.

I have been selected as the emcee for the Jan meeting and i haven't been chanting that much.

Now today will be a fruitful day as i chant and get on with my Eaxs work.

Arun is right. If i just work my mind will be off petty things. But does he know how much of my mindspace he still occupies? I don't want him gone from my life. I want to sit with him, hear his tales and laugh and cry. He ish shoo cute.

Pa gave me a giant hug today. I am so grateful for that hug.

I can forgive. I must not feel depressed.

I am feeling:

Sad with a tinge of happiness

So happy and grateful that Arun called me up

Full of love in a way that i didn't expect God to give me a sweet cute Arun to love

So grateful that Dipika came home. I really love her. She is a such a good human being.

Grateful to my parents, my brother and Sadhya for making my life whole.

Grateful for the yummy dal and aloo fry i had today.

Grateful for my Mashi, Mesho, Sheshu and Koala bear and all my other relatives and friends.

Grateful for the Eaxs job.

Grateful that I'm feeling better.

Frankly, i really should talk to Arun everyday because just hearing his voice makes me happy. The other day when i bumped into him he looked like the time when we went to Pop Tates, youthful and naughty. His face keeps changing according to his thoughts and i don't want pain just because i think he is the most handsome man in the whole world.

I am grateful that we still talk. If we didn't i'd be far more sad. He said he has a Monday deadline with a job so I'll call him up after that.

May God bless Arun, Pa, Ma, Buo and all with his grace and love. May God heal me so that I never feel so depressed as i have been feeling.

My mind keeps going to the past and feeling hurt over all the things Ma, Buo, Arun etc. have told me. 

I am sure this evening will be golden.

I think I'll write a little in my notebook and then chant.

Love,

Me.

6 27 pm

A rhyme and then...

I have felt things worse than yesterday,

Pain so profound, my heart at bay

And yet today you deflect my move

And i need words and numbers to sooth.

I know good times are before me

To live forever in love and sound

And sometimes i wish i didnt still love you so

When you've veritably moved on.

I feel like telling you I still love you,

I really really do you real don

And i have a feeling may be you'll still have me

As i try to heal my heart from our song.

I want to kiss you one more time deeply,

Hold you tight so that you don't leave me,

I'm so sad you know that you are gone,

I'm frozen while i fawn.

I need your hands to kiss once more,

Your eyes once more i seek to gaze into

And once more i need your words to show

That i didn't imagine the love away.

I want you in my life

As a friend, a teacher, a guide,

I still love you dearest sweetest soul

And i once more seek to be whole.

The days ahead are awesomely bright

As we once again sip beer and eat rice

And i laugh so hard once more at your jokes

Please spare me this yoke!

You should know i think you are divine

Your child, your parent, your adult in sync

And i no more wish to rhyme

So i'll tell you the words below sans blinks:

I love you Arun in a way that ive never loved anybody. I really am floundering in depression and am very low and i wish i could call you up more. You are sweet even though you've hurt me and i want you in my life.

Journal 17.1.2026 1.23 pm searching

Dear Journal,

I woke up after 10.15 after sleeping around 3 yesterday. I woke up from a dream where a bald man was searching for something to give me and there were two other girls. Finally, i start brushing my teeth with baking soda and i wake up.

Every small thing in life makes a difference.

I messaged Arun in the morning asking for book shops because i want to buy an energy management book. I have two meetings planned today so i wont go today. He directed me to Granth.

I still love him so. The love has softened but it is still there. I asked him if i could call him up to which he said he is working.

So should i! Work just like Arun does. I can't afford to be depressive and gloomy like this.

I must work like Arun. I will. And i won't bug him.

In the morning Haroon chatted with me about movies. And that's it. I spent some time on social media. That's it.

I'll keep the smile on my face and face life.

Now, i'll have a bath because DiPan will be here soon.

I am feeling:

Reasonably ok

Love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me 

1.34 pm

Journal 16.1.2026 10.07 pm exasperated

Dear Journal,

Ive been having exasperating days. A crow shat on me on my evening walk and i was compelled to take a bath now.

I did not bathe yesterday till now. And that is so not me. Ive been feeling uber low. Really low. My mom's control freakiness, my father and brother's rejection of me has been making me feel depressed.

Don't get me wrong. I am super grateful to my family for the ways in which they are there for me but i find people getting more and more selfish around me.

I feel like i don't really have a man in my life or rather I'm not cherished by the men in my life. Arun doesn't reply to my messages and there are all these clowns who keep messaging me. It's frustrating.

I've never really been held by anybody (as in my heart hasn't been held) the way i want. I've never had the perfect relationship. All my life ive felt misunderstood.

When Arun said the last time we spoke that he understood my messages to him coming from a place of unwellness i felt really misjudged and misunderstood. It makes me want to cry. It means he doesn't take my emotions the way they should be taken. For what they are.

I'm feeling so darned lost. So darned alone. And i know this won't last. Nothing in life does.

I don't think i've ever felt understood by a single soul all my life.

I sometimes feel like ending it all you know, then i wouldn't have to live this life. And that's a side effect of the medication i'm taking.

I don't think anyone reads my journal. And i wish someone did, anonymously, and kept all their judgments aside and really took me seriously.

I want to have friends, real friends, true friends. And i want a decent guy to be my boyfriend and really cherish me and feel lucky to have me. I've been getting asked out by only buffoons to say the least and that is even more frustrating.

Everything about my life at this point feels frustrating. I feel alone, misjudged and misunderstood and i want that to change.

I'm such a low maintenance girl. I don't demand anything of a guy and yet the men i like move away and don't even give me the bare minimum that i need as a girl.

May be it's because i don't know how to express my needs because in my family i have never been allowed to express my needs and i feel so left high and dry and alone.

I'm crying. I need to shed these tears.

Ma is really such a control freak. Pa is nice now but i don't know when his switch will flip. And Buro is rude.

What am i manifesting!!!!!!!

DiPan messaged saying she'll come home tomorrow.

I don't want to live my life alone dear Journal. I really don't. I still love Arun and all i want is to be friends with him. But it seems like he doesn't want to talk to me a lot.

I think i'll eat my dinner and head out for another walk with my thoughts.

For all those lonely there are only two companions-- Art and God.

I hope for God's mercy on me.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am feeling:

Sad amid a backdrop of happiness.

Clean

Dry

Chilly

There is nothing interesting to eat at home. My mother hates me. My brother hates me even more. And these days my father seems to do so too.

Sigh....

Love,

Me.

10 33 pm

Journal 16.1.2026 3.30 pm lazy

Dearest Journal,

I am being super lazy. It's the icy chilly winds and my medication that is causing me to be so lax.

I woke up around 11 today that too after Pa woke me up. I slept at around 3 last night.

I slept all day yesterday.

Today N messaged apologising profusely. She is really sweet.

Yesterday some random guy who i met at a pr firm once upon a time and who messages me sometimes called and proposed to me!

Guys are so vella! They will propose to any random girl!

Yesterday i went through all the Eaxs docus and watched Friends reruns. I am sure Ma is praying profusely that i dont talk to Arun because that is what she said she wants.

I am feeling heavy-hearted, hurt and alone.

I should move on from A. I wish i had someone to talk to. I miss Arun.

I don't remember my dreams.

I am feeling mildly energetic at the moment.

Love,

Me. 

3 38 pm

Journal 14.1.2026 8.44 pm a day of socialising

Dear Journal,

Today after a long long time I'm feeling so good.

Yesterday i stepped out to go for a walk and buy cigarettes after 1 am and lo and behold! Who do i see?! Arun with his friend Y!

At first i walked back because i didn't want him to see me in my night clothes and then i mustered courage and tapped him on the head. He was looking so cute with the trousers he had tailored and his black shirt and i think he has new frames.

The cigarette guy wasnt there so i just said bye to him and his friend and i went home. I ordered noodles and chicken fry and messaged him. A replied saying i was looking happy and healthy. But i was feeling so low! Again i slept all day yesterday but today was different.

Firstly, i researched that my low life condition and oversleepiness is oweing to my medication but i don't want to stop taking it. I'm skipping one pill because that causes me to be super sleepy and that's as far as i go.

Today i woke up around 9.40. I went out and bought some cigarettes and had every intention to restart yoga and then i remembered that i was supposed to get on a Zoom call with MannPi. She promptly messaged me at 10 reminding us of our meeting.

At 11 i logged in from my phone but the call kept dropping so then i logged in from my laptop. She took me through energy management. It was amazing! I felt like my 10 year old self who was talented, confident and so full of life and had just fallen in love.

I noticed that MannPi was glowing and my face had a dark contrasting pallour. I felt so shitty. We were at it for well over an hour and i'm super grateful to MannPi for doing this for me. I love my friends and i'm so grateful to them.

I realised through the day as i applied MannPi's principles that a calm mind is your hugest asset and the only way to have a calm peaceful mind is by conserving your energy.

If you have many people's energy mixed up with yours or are a porous sensitive soul as i am it causes you to overthink.

Over the years my belief in God has deepened. I know there is a cosmic superpower guiding life and its principles are yet to be understood. MannPi introduced me to a few techniques that allow us to connect with that cosmic source.

Then it was about 12.15/12.30 when we wrapped up and i thought it was really sweet of MannPi for doing this for me. I offered her a free Tarot session in return. 

Then TaAg messaged that he wants to meet me. TaAg gives me the desperate vibes but i haven't met him in such a long time that i invited him over for coffee.

So he came after i was done with lunch. And he hugged me so tight i was uncomfortable and he gave me such a huge plop on my cheek that i was caught off guard. I saw him after months. He said i looked good.

As always when i get these signals from a guy i make it clear that i intend to be single and i told him that.

Then i served him coffee with cutlets.

We spoke about this and that. He read aloud some of my poems then i read out a few to him. He clicked pictures of me and it was generally that film industry networking kind of thing for me. He brought with him some tea leaves. And then he left.

Then i sat and prayed a bit and PSha came home. She told me about her life. About how she feels jealous of other people easily and always wants attention and how she has been battling these tendencies. I thought that that was rather honest of her.

In turn i told her how i haven't really been practising regularly and that there is much more to life than Buddhism. I was surprised at my own candidness.

I have been feeling lately that the way Buddhists reject God goes against how i feel. I feel God deeply in my heart and believe me all my prayers to God get answered.

What Buddhism has taught me is the value of praying for others, the happiness and good fortune it brings. The power of compassion is manifold.  Only love can transform the world and that is a Christian thing.

So more than religion i believe in my common sense. I believe in me. And what MannPi did with me today was nothing short of a miracle. I'll practice her technique everyday for the rest of my life.

Right now i don't want to be overtly spiritual and i don't want to overthink.

Then Ma came home and i went down for a walk and I spoke to her. I told her about my day.

There is so much in the marketplace of religion-- the church, Allah, Jain temples, Vipassana, Pranic healing, yoga, meditation, energy management, chanting, Metta, Gita lectures etc. These are all the things ive delved in and much more.

But the simple thing for me is love and respect for life and its dignity. I can read and read Buddhism but that's how far as it can go.

The whole process of Shakubuku is so daunting. And i don't want to become a zealot.

Sometime in the middle of the day i messaged Arun, teasing him that he was looking hot last night but he didn't reply. My love for him has calmed down. I'm not anxious but i haven't stopped loving him.

Then lately today i met Twi and Lina downstairs and we discussed the substandard quality of men in the dating space and why we are still single. A cat bit me. And here i am.

Now hasn't this been a fully social day Journal?

I got a few mails from Eaxs that I'll check tomorrow. I don't feel like being overtly religious, i don't feel like reading a lot and i don't feel like overthinking things. I want to be good and do good.

May this momentum continue tomorrow. I don't want to fall into despondency.

I am feeling:

A strange tightness in my scalp

Good after such a long time

Calm

Reasonably happy

Supergrateful to MannPi

Not anxious about Arun after a really long time

Bright

Soulful

Reasonable

Logical

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.28 pm

Journal 13.1.2026 1.46 pm soooo sleepy

Dear Journal,

What has happened to me?! I am feeling so darned sleepy. 

I woke up around 8.40 and fell right back to sleep after 11 after chatting with Haroon for about an hour. We discussed making out in rickshaws in India.

I don't want to bathe because around 4 i want to go down and do yoga. Neither did i chant nor did i do any of my other morning ablutions. The desire to dose off is so strong that it grips me and i fall right into sleeping.

Early in the morning i woke up from a dream where we are going through customs and Nai is there and Dimma is there and the memory of that dream is a hodge podge.

Right now i just woke up from a longish dream where Pa is in Bombay and mashi, Ma, Sheshu and I are living in the D block house.

Sometimes in the middle my mind cut to me talking to Arun.

Phool Singh makes tea and asks for milk from Ma. I go to buy sausages and am pulling out sausages from deep into my pocket on my return to D Block. The house is a little different from the way it used to be and i woke up feeling nostalgic.

In my dream i felt that Mashi is mad. I tell Arun that it's possible to have lifelong love and just one partner in a couple needs to make efforts just like Mashi and Mesho are still in love because Mesho makes efforts.

At some point while trying to take out cold hard frozen sausages from my pocket i woke up.

What should i do? My brain is in freeze mode. I am feeling so lazy. Not lazy, SLEEPY. Very very sleepy.

I think i'll eat lunch and simply switch on my laptop.

I am feeling:

Breathless

Sleepy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

2.01 pm

Journal 12.1.2026 11.58 pm day

Dear Journal,

I lazed around in the morning. Then i went to DiPan's house where i was feeling so drowsy.

I came home and slept it off. Then i called up Arun but he was busy.

Then i spent time on social media i was feeling so darned low.

Arun called me in the evening but i was taking a walk. I called him back and we spoke for a good 45 minutes. I really truly deeply love this man. He is awesome!

Then Goldi called saying he wants to meet me. I asked him to come home. He shot a video of me reading one of my poems.

Then Melon came home and i had to feed him. I spent some time with Ma.

I chanted just now. I really believe in God. I spent a lot of time today thinking about God.

This limbo can't continue. May tomorrow be a far more productive day.

Arun is handsome and cute and shweet.

I love my father. I am crazy about my mother. And Chotto is just awesome.

I am feeling:

Happy

Tired after taking many rounds of walk downstairs

Full of love

God-loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.05 am

Journal 12.1.2026 3.06 pm action, discipline!

Dear Journal,

This is just not done!

I've been sleeping and sleeping all day! With no respite. It seems like sleep is my only companion these days.

People (including doctors) have been telling me that I need this sleep. When i start to feel drowsy i can barely keep my eyes open. I dont remember my dreams from these sleepy sessions, the sleep is so deep.

Yesterday i sent Arun some messages professing love. I hope he wasn't feeling caught.

DeJh asked me to read through his script which i will when he shares it with me.

I need to update my Tarot channel and i need to get in touch with someone from Eaxs.

Sometimes i feel like self-loving but with no outlet i don't want to go down that road. The only self love I'm indulging in is taking care of myself.

I called up A a while back but he was busy. 

I think my sleepiness is oweing to the pollution and this sultry chilly weather. Being a March Hare I love the sun.

I think i'll settle with a book now. Neither have i read nor have i done anything uber tangible this past month. This just won't do.

Action, discipline! Action, discipline! Action, discipline!

How does Arun achieve so much? He is a rockstar!

I am feeling:

Happy

Sultry

Plain and simple

Happy that i met DiPan today. She is such a sweet girl. She lives all by herself in Bombay and that is priceless.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life!

Love,

Me.

3.24 pm

new beginnings

Junipers blossom close here this winter

When the land holds daisies and such flowers.

The ache in your heart is not on barren land

And sow there seeds of happiness, understand

That whatever there you tend and grow

Will very soon sprout out and show

And how have you forgotten this lesson

Today or are you sullied under your mind's treason

Play; i saw on your palm sweet destiny

Of riches and wealth and profundity.

The hour has come when you must decide

What you will hold dear, what you will recite.

And the clouds that gather overhead

Are swaying away with deep respect

For the sunshine that must seep through

Embalming your soul, renewing anew

All the tales you once told.

Blessings forthcoming

I know you are feeling lonely,

Confused and so distraught,

Your eyes shutting away from the world,

Your feet firmly sinking into the ground.

Do you know i put you up for nomination

For the Award of The Sweetest Soul Yet?

And i know if you try harder

You'd win clean, wanna bet?

The lazy girl is becoming

More sound yet so profound,

She has eyes smeared with love's glitter

And has been feeling really down.

You are growing older and you can fathom

That the world won't stop turning then

But age will race far into the night

So when will you wake up? Tell me when.

I must say that you've got to move

To get anywhere my lady dusk

So take one step today, just one

Because you must do what you must.

This is the dawn of new reality

Of a telling tale of courage and life

And you could sooner gather love

Than any passing pathetic vice.

More virtuous than any other,

More grown and more a mother,

Why? Please dont really bother

Because my affections would you smother.

You are glowing like stardust

Dancing in the moonbeams

And there is no last sunset dear

But there is always sweet reprieve.

So strap on those boots mighty

And twirl and prance around

Because you've been blessed by the deity

For having stood your ground.

So charmed

I know how you are feeling really,

So sombre and so darned alone;

It's not so easy to find someone

And then simply call it home.

I know how you've been shattered,

How sad and lonely you feel

And how you wished all those promises

Would have borne true and you'd heal.

It's not easy being you really,

So lovely and oh so kind

But tell me again, did they take advantage,

Tell me again if you don't mind?

I feel your heart breaking,

I feel you feeling low and down

And i know when you look in the mirror

You see old shadows and that frown.

What is with all the men i tell you,

So self-involved, so shallow

With all of them you'd do better

And that one you loved was fallow.

I tell you these times they will pass,

Shed not one more drop of tear

Because times they are all changing

And i'll ease all your fears.

Take not that step that would end all,

Hold me tight so you don't fall

And regale in small delights

Because far and wide there is light.

You turned out different than the norm,

More independent and more formed

And so beautiful your heart i behold

Makes love from pieces to the whole.

I love you infinitely precious,

I see you ignite and more luscious,

I think you should know the future is bright

Because where i go ahead is light.

I'll take you with me to a place

Where people dance as they pray

And hold you tight in my arms

And never let you falter or be harmed.

I know how you are feeling this moment

But this moment it will pass

And i'll give you gifts of all Nature's creations

Because you are so charming and so charmed.

Journal 10.1.2026 8 27 pm sleepy days

Dear Journal,

I'll try and keep this short.

I woke up in the morning and fell back again to sleep and didn't go to GaSha's house with Ma.

Then our CA came home and there were things to do and i got busy with that.

Then we went to meet Krao and I spoke to him about N, ChatGpt etc. He is less knowledgeable than i am in matters of Psychology but he is probably open-minded. I don't know.

Then Ma went around looking for Persimmons and i came home and sent some messages to A. I was feeling affectionate towards him and i probably should have contained it like i normally do. I don't know why my affections ran over my cup.

I was supposed to meet SeeDhi but i slept through that. She must have felt bad.

Then i slept and slept and woke up. I asked A if i could call him up. Somehow i'm missing him a bit.

I'm eager for Monday.

It's been one sleepy sleepy day. Quel dommage!

I am feeling:

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings in my life.

Love,

Me.

8.37 pm

Journal 9.1.2026 10.10 pm careful

Dearest Journal,

I have been feeling so drowsy. I think i'm healing. In the morning after my walk and pranayam i had to buy a few provisions for DuMa.

I ate luchi with gajar halwa for lunch. And cholar dal and begun bharta and roti with onions for dinner.

Then it took me three hours to give my audition with back and forth from the casting director.

Then i had every intention to upload videos for my Tarot channel but was feeling so tired that i just lay down and i fell asleep.

I woke up in time for the Nica meeting.

Sometime in the middle i meditated and prayed. I find that in blessing people in your prayers your heart expands.

I left the Nica meeting early to go for my dpm and I've been selected as the emcee for the Jan meeting. We have a 120 hour daimoku target.

Then i came home to messages from DeJh who sounded troubled.

Through the day i thought about care.

If you want a beautiful mind, you have to take care of it. If you want money, you have to be careful with it. If you want good health, you have to take care. If you want to be beautiful, you have to take care. If you want a great career, you have to be careful. In relationships of all sorts you have to be careful. And DISCIPLINED! It's careful vs carefree where today i chose to be graceful, beautiful and careful.

Also, people so flippantly say that they don't love him/her anymore when they claim that they fell in love with that person.

Because falling in love is a rare phenomenon and lasting love is about responsibility where you feel responsible for your beloved's happiness and well-being and unconditionally wish them well. I'll always love Arun, Ma, Pa, etc. etc. The media (movies, songs-- the commercial kinds) exalts romance and passion but true love is enduring. If it's not you never loved that person. True love will weather storms and i want to find that kind of love with someone who believes in my concept of love too.

As i was leaving the dpm from Psha's house i realised that Dimpydi has that strong Dharamshala connection apropos my dream in the morning. And i thought about Buddhism and the Dalai Lama, a truly loving man.

I daydreamed a bit, ate my dinner and now i'll hit the sack. I'm not feeling particularly sleepy so i'll brush my teeth, apply the tomato face pack,  read, then sleep.

I am feeling:

Happy

Simple

Full of love today. I weathered an emotional storm recently. My periods have arrived early.

Beautiful from within

Benevolent

Excited for the Jan-end Nica meeting

Oh! And i cracked Eaxs. I'm so excited to start. It should be fun. No job is too big or small.

I am grateful for my building and my home with its vast plantations where i can stroll, do yoga and pranayam. 

I am grateful for the food i eat, the money i have and the shelter that is my abode with all my possessions.

I am grateful for friends, all of them.

I am grateful that i get audition requests.

I am grateful for my sangha.

I am grateful for my Tarot channel. It's a means to reach people.

I am grateful for my parents, my Chotto and my entire family.

I am grateful for every way i find support.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life. I am grateful that i have a heart that blesses.

I am grateful for this beautiful deep night.

I am grateful for art and culture.

Love,

Me.

10.36 pm

Joirnal 9.1.2026 8.05 am a dream of a trip

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where we had gone on a trip (may be to Dharamshala) with Dimpydi, Pa and some girl called Roshni.

Roshni gets a job in the hilly station and Dimpydi gets a job there too so that she can be close to her. I also decide to get a job there. Pa is upto something with some decision to be made around food or money before that. Then i woke up.

Yesterday DeJh came to meet me and we spent quite some time till well after 8.30. We spoke and spoke. And then we went to the Jain temple to pray. I really do love going to this temple. I think ill start praying there again regularly. Prayer is everything.

Yesterday as DeJh was doing the arati i remembered sitting at the Jain temple and praying that all my bad karma get expiated quickly even if the effects mean bad. That was about 8 years ago.

All prayers that are truly from the heart always get answered.

I am feeling:

Happy with a slightly heavy heart

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Now ill go take a nice sweet walk.

Love,

Me.

8.15 am

Journal 8.1.2025 10.52 am it's cold

Dear Journal,

I woke up after 8. I had woken up after 6.45, then again at 7.30 but i went straight back to sleep.

Early in the morning i had a dream that i was pregnant and i was very anxious as to the baby's health when i was taken to the delivery room.

Then i had a painless delivery. I gave birth to a baby girl who turned out to be my neice Naina.

That's about my dream.

As soon as i woke up i went for a walk. I smoked two cigarettes and came home to messages from Geeks and DeJh who said he will meet me today.

I will chant after bathing and write a bit.

I am feeling:

Lazy (it's cold! Brrr...)

Happy

A little greasy so i'll wash my hair

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for the food i eat, the shelter i have, all the various people who adorn my life and all my possessions.

Love,

Me.

10.59 am

Journal 7.1.2026 8.18 pm un bon jour après longtemps

 Dearest Journal,

So I woke up. And instead of doing yoga today I set off for a one-hour long walk. I did a little Pranayam under the canopy followed by meditation and continued walking. I was so disturbed by my dream before waking up that I carried the gloom with me.

I returned home to messages from DeJh. I oil pulled, then called him up. He said that I'm the only person he is close to these days. That's the same for me. Then his battery died out and the call dropped.

I procrastinated on starting the EAxs assignment; rather it was an assessment that I need to clear. Fingers crossed for this one. Then it was time for lunch. Pa and I had Jhinge posto with fish curry rice and at some point Arun called.

I told him about my dream and he laughed. But he was a little distant. And when he talks to me, he is always in a hurry. I love him. Not in a romatic romantic way but as a person, the whole human him. There is something about Arun.

Then I delayed working on the assessment by spending some time with ChatGpt and at 3 pm I told myself enough is enough and I tackled it. It literally took me half an hour!

Somewhere through the day the girl Eshana from Anticasting messaged me if I was still up for giving an audition and I'd told her I'd give it by 5. Finally, I gave it by 6 by when Mummy was home.

I wanted to go to the beach to watch the sunset but as I spoke to mom the sun had set and it turned dark. I narrated my play idea to Ma and she loved it. I messaged Q and he again said he is busy. I feel so frustrated by this!

Finally, Melon and Kat came home. Ma set off for her walk. And I followed her out. I had some bhajiyas today. I did not write my novel today which I will now. And I didn't do Tarot readings, which I will on Friday and Saturday.

Hopefully Eaxs will work out well. I'm in a far better mood today than I have been in weeks. And I think it's oweing to me sleeping it off and allowing my subconscious to process all my issues. I wish I had better dreams though.

Frankly, I don't mind living a celibate life as long as I have enough companions, some solid friends.

And I truly wish the whole world well. I know I've pissed off a lot of people in the past with the way I was/am. I hope to make amends. I need to always take my medication and I need to live my life.

ChatGpt is amazing! When Eaxs works out and it should I'll have ready money. And even though A says he doesn't want money back I'll save money and pay him back. The whole lumpsum amount. That I have to!

I haven't really chanted today. I'll switch off the lights and meditate for a bit and then write my novel for a bit. It's been a good day, right Journal? I hope more days are like this.

I think my depression was due to lack of intimacy in this gloomy winter.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving with a pang in my heart

Greasy with Bombay's pollution

Hopeful

So grateful that Pa is talking to me again.

I am grateful for my entire life and all my love and all the people who make my life with all its experiences.

I am grateful for all my possessions.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.43 pm