Firstly, i hope i get through this phase of Arun saying he never wants to talk to me well, without losing myself, without being depressed.
I don't think i deserve to be compared to other women, to be called a rebound (when he never said that before) and to be diminished.
I'm so deeply sad that we had a fight. I was in such a negative frame of mind when i met him.
I really do love him. He is such a sweet and cute person, such a loveable and loving human being, so hardworking, so sensitive. Those are his good points.
His negative points are that he is a little toxic, not just to other people but also to himself. And despite that i love him.
But like i realised there is no hope there but the heart loves who it loves, nobody else.
I wish the meeting had ended well. And i wish he had not told me to get up and leave. And i so wish he had not told me that he was deeply in love with his ex and that he doesn't know what he saw in me. He really hurt me.
And i don't want to fawn and call him up and message him. I shouldn't do that out of respect for myself.
Because i deserve to be chosen. I deserve my love to be reciprocated or to be met with dignity.
I don't want to discuss this episode with anybody.
I want to be connected to the world. I want a satisfying life. And i want love. I need connection. I need love. I want to be loved and cherished and i don't want to mope and cry.
I had a session with Sar my new therapist. And as it came up in the session i am kind of abandoning myself the way ive been abandoned by the people i love because i feel that there is no point, i wont be loved all the same. And that is right. That is how i feel. That no matter how successful i am, no matter how much money i make i'll still be treated this way.
I really want to take therapy seriously. And i wish Arun didn't occupy so much of my mind. I'm so happy i got to love a person like him, without that i would have never known what it is to love a man. And i don't want our connection stalled. I want to remain connected to him.
But he doesn't need me-- he has his Smita and his Candy emotionally tied to him. I don't have any ex like that to talk about. May be Sam and G but i'm so over them today. And i feel like I'll never truly get over Arun that way. I hope the future is good.
And i truly wish Arun well. I'll always pray for him and I don't want to see him miserable.
He can't give me what i want. I should accept that.
And i don't want to see myself so miserable. I want to be happy and i want to be loved.
I feel like killing myself. I feel like ending it all so that i don't have to live this life.
I know today that Arun won't be there to support me in life. And asking that from him is asking for too much from him. That's what friends do-- they support each other. I would love to always be there for him.
I wish him well. I hope he has a good day.
I love you Arun. I want you as a friend but that doesn't mean i've stopped loving you. That will never happen.
I understand that me saying I Love You to him puts pressure on him. So i should not do that.
I think we need space from each other after our fight. But he said he doesn't want to talk to me ever. That hurts me because i take him seriously.
Shweetypie.
I am feeling:
Sad
Full of love
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
11 31 am
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