There are self-fulfilling expectations. Just like Murphy's Law.
I expect Arun to date some girl. Someone ambitious and bitchy like Psha just for the physicals. Why he could be on a date with her right now!
I expect myself to struggle a bit for some more time.
I expect to meet a really nice guy soon who i will friendzone.
I don't really feel like meeting Arun, you know. Because i need closure.
I expect my relations with my family to improve eventually.
I expect that some day soon eventually i'll completely quit smoking forever.
I expect Arun to say some not so very nice things about me to other people just like he did about his wife when i met him which he all overturned on future dates.
I expect to finally live a rich fulfilling happy life in good health.
I don't expect to live my life all alone forever.
I expect to be recognised as a popular writer. All my friends see me as a writer.
I expect this sadness to dissolve soon.
I expect to have the time of my life at the Nica meeting.
I expect the zadankai to be a roaring success.
I expect to make many meaningful friends this year.
And i expect this year to turn out much better than i expected.
My heart is hurt. And i might as well make peace with all my expectations.
I expect my family to love me more than ever and my friends to love me even more.
I expect my mother to have a jolt by force and to shed her rusticness but she won't eventually.
I expect to kind of move on from Arun this year and find myself in an ocean of friendships.
I expect to always be sweet.
And there are some secret things i actually expect and not hope for that are so secretive that i don't want to give them voice here.
Why did Arun lash out at me when i asked him how his girlfriend is. Expect the expected. Nothing less, nothing more. Because life could be surprising but its actually quite predictable. And all this doomsaying is causing me to feel quite sick.
I am feeling:
Nauseous
At peace because i gave voice to my expectations
I have never ever betrayed a soul and i expect to never ever do that all my life. But Arun's entire life is marked by stories of how he has lied and betrayed other people. I expect us to always remain friends and i expect him to hope i'll stay stuck on him forever but i won't. I expect to love him always in my own sweet way but we are not meant to be together. Not today. Not right now. I expect him to carry some regrets into the future. But i don't expect him to be true to me today. He is not that kind of a guy.
Aur zamana hi badal gaya hai. Bas main nahin badli. I don't want to feel so sad. It's been a while. And i think i was so sad because i wasn't accepting my expectations.
Some day life will come a full circle and i'll be happy as a punch, as happy as a doe with her fledglings, as basking in regality that will come to me unexpected, the day i don't expect it at all.
And that day i expect my family and friends to rejoice and be so proud of me and i expect Arun to pick up the phone and call me up. I expect that we will be friends that day. And i expect that day I'll care for him even more.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
10.41 pm
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