Ive been having exasperating days. A crow shat on me on my evening walk and i was compelled to take a bath now.
I did not bathe yesterday till now. And that is so not me. Ive been feeling uber low. Really low. My mom's control freakiness, my father and brother's rejection of me has been making me feel depressed.
Don't get me wrong. I am super grateful to my family for the ways in which they are there for me but i find people getting more and more selfish around me.
I feel like i don't really have a man in my life or rather I'm not cherished by the men in my life. Arun doesn't reply to my messages and there are all these clowns who keep messaging me. It's frustrating.
I've never really been held by anybody (as in my heart hasn't been held) the way i want. I've never had the perfect relationship. All my life ive felt misunderstood.
When Arun said the last time we spoke that he understood my messages to him coming from a place of unwellness i felt really misjudged and misunderstood. It makes me want to cry. It means he doesn't take my emotions the way they should be taken. For what they are.
I'm feeling so darned lost. So darned alone. And i know this won't last. Nothing in life does.
I don't think i've ever felt understood by a single soul all my life.
I sometimes feel like ending it all you know, then i wouldn't have to live this life. And that's a side effect of the medication i'm taking.
I don't think anyone reads my journal. And i wish someone did, anonymously, and kept all their judgments aside and really took me seriously.
I want to have friends, real friends, true friends. And i want a decent guy to be my boyfriend and really cherish me and feel lucky to have me. I've been getting asked out by only buffoons to say the least and that is even more frustrating.
Everything about my life at this point feels frustrating. I feel alone, misjudged and misunderstood and i want that to change.
I'm such a low maintenance girl. I don't demand anything of a guy and yet the men i like move away and don't even give me the bare minimum that i need as a girl.
May be it's because i don't know how to express my needs because in my family i have never been allowed to express my needs and i feel so left high and dry and alone.
I'm crying. I need to shed these tears.
Ma is really such a control freak. Pa is nice now but i don't know when his switch will flip. And Buro is rude.
What am i manifesting!!!!!!!
DiPan messaged saying she'll come home tomorrow.
I don't want to live my life alone dear Journal. I really don't. I still love Arun and all i want is to be friends with him. But it seems like he doesn't want to talk to me a lot.
I think i'll eat my dinner and head out for another walk with my thoughts.
For all those lonely there are only two companions-- Art and God.
I hope for God's mercy on me.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
I am feeling:
Sad amid a backdrop of happiness.
Clean
Dry
Chilly
There is nothing interesting to eat at home. My mother hates me. My brother hates me even more. And these days my father seems to do so too.
Sigh....
Love,
Me.
10 33 pm
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