Arun is right. I was hoping to have him romantically without realising it. And now that he has brought it to light, now that I'm aware i don't know what to do with it.
Ive tried to contain my feelings in the last few days. But i survive on hope. That brings everything.
If he wants space i'll definitely give it to him as someone who loves him. I'm sure he loves me as a person too. How could he not? It's foolish of me to think otherwise.
I feel stupid for letting my emotions get the better of me and for having reacted emotionally to his call to go back to Bottles.
I've been overthinking him again and i don't want to go into a spiral.
I woke up at 4.40 today and just have been drinking various beverages.
If he's avoidant i'm anxious too. If he was trying to push me away i without realising it was pursuing him too. This whole push-pull dynamic is so exhausting.
It must be so scary for him to have me tell him that I still love him. Frankly, what i was feeling sitting there scared the shit out of me too. I think I'm scared of him. One look at him and i can't take my eyes of his eyes. And all I wanted to do was kiss him and smell him.
I'm scared of the effect he has on me. I'm not scared I'll get hurt again because that's in the past. I'm scared that I love him even though i've neatly packed those feelings inside. I'm scared the container will burst open and I'll get emotional.
Arun scares the shit out of me and I'm scared of my emotions taking over my life.
I want my morning routine to come back. I want to take care of myself now. Arun scares me. Because i love him too damn deeply and i can't afford to lose him.
That's why i want to be friends with him and i friendzoned him. Because i want him in my life for the rest of my blessed life. I want to show him that I'm right by his side come gale or storm. These are my subconscious thoughts. I want to prove to him that yes, for me he is the most handsome man that has treaded this Earth and that I truly believe no adversity can numb him no matter how he feels.
I want to show him my care and my love.
All my feelings for him are subconscious now. It's like I've felt them, processed them and contained them. But the dam might burst. What's in the conscious realm is the anxiety and the fear and the hope and of course the deep fondness i have for his cute sweet face.
I'm scared and I'm feeling miserable that he said he doesn't want to see me ever. I don't want that at all.
I'm really scared that this time he'll really pull back. I don't want that at all. And that's why I'm thinking a lot about him.
I'm so stupid. So stupid that i fell in love with this cute suave man.
Any how.
Pa has just come back home. Now I'll sit and chant.
My feelings are dormant but my thoughts are not and Arun has taken over my mind and I'm getting scared of that.
I am feeling:
Miserable that I can't call or message Arun.
Eager to have a fruitful full day.
Overthinking everything.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
10.32 am
Ps: The way I keep thinking about Arun is exactly how I used to think about my work in the newsroom. I want that kind of immersiveness to come back into my work. I want it to consume my thoughts like it once did. I've taken enough rest in this film industry. I want to give my work my all. And i don't want Arun to go anywhere. I want him in my life. Next time i meet him I'll hide my feelings for him. That i definitely will.
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