Today after a long long time I'm feeling so good.
Yesterday i stepped out to go for a walk and buy cigarettes after 1 am and lo and behold! Who do i see?! Arun with his friend Y!
At first i walked back because i didn't want him to see me in my night clothes and then i mustered courage and tapped him on the head. He was looking so cute with the trousers he had tailored and his black shirt and i think he has new frames.
The cigarette guy wasnt there so i just said bye to him and his friend and i went home. I ordered noodles and chicken fry and messaged him. A replied saying i was looking happy and healthy. But i was feeling so low! Again i slept all day yesterday but today was different.
Firstly, i researched that my low life condition and oversleepiness is oweing to my medication but i don't want to stop taking it. I'm skipping one pill because that causes me to be super sleepy and that's as far as i go.
Today i woke up around 9.40. I went out and bought some cigarettes and had every intention to restart yoga and then i remembered that i was supposed to get on a Zoom call with MannPi. She promptly messaged me at 10 reminding us of our meeting.
At 11 i logged in from my phone but the call kept dropping so then i logged in from my laptop. She took me through energy management. It was amazing! I felt like my 10 year old self who was talented, confident and so full of life and had just fallen in love.
I noticed that MannPi was glowing and my face had a dark contrasting pallour. I felt so shitty. We were at it for well over an hour and i'm super grateful to MannPi for doing this for me. I love my friends and i'm so grateful to them.
I realised through the day as i applied MannPi's principles that a calm mind is your hugest asset and the only way to have a calm peaceful mind is by conserving your energy.
If you have many people's energy mixed up with yours or are a porous sensitive soul as i am it causes you to overthink.
Over the years my belief in God has deepened. I know there is a cosmic superpower guiding life and its principles are yet to be understood. MannPi introduced me to a few techniques that allow us to connect with that cosmic source.
Then it was about 12.15/12.30 when we wrapped up and i thought it was really sweet of MannPi for doing this for me. I offered her a free Tarot session in return.
Then TaAg messaged that he wants to meet me. TaAg gives me the desperate vibes but i haven't met him in such a long time that i invited him over for coffee.
So he came after i was done with lunch. And he hugged me so tight i was uncomfortable and he gave me such a huge plop on my cheek that i was caught off guard. I saw him after months. He said i looked good.
As always when i get these signals from a guy i make it clear that i intend to be single and i told him that.
Then i served him coffee with cutlets.
We spoke about this and that. He read aloud some of my poems then i read out a few to him. He clicked pictures of me and it was generally that film industry networking kind of thing for me. He brought with him some tea leaves. And then he left.
Then i sat and prayed a bit and PSha came home. She told me about her life. About how she feels jealous of other people easily and always wants attention and how she has been battling these tendencies. I thought that that was rather honest of her.
In turn i told her how i haven't really been practising regularly and that there is much more to life than Buddhism. I was surprised at my own candidness.
I have been feeling lately that the way Buddhists reject God goes against how i feel. I feel God deeply in my heart and believe me all my prayers to God get answered.
What Buddhism has taught me is the value of praying for others, the happiness and good fortune it brings. The power of compassion is manifold. Only love can transform the world and that is a Christian thing.
So more than religion i believe in my common sense. I believe in me. And what MannPi did with me today was nothing short of a miracle. I'll practice her technique everyday for the rest of my life.
Right now i don't want to be overtly spiritual and i don't want to overthink.
Then Ma came home and i went down for a walk and I spoke to her. I told her about my day.
There is so much in the marketplace of religion-- the church, Allah, Jain temples, Vipassana, Pranic healing, yoga, meditation, energy management, chanting, Metta, Gita lectures etc. These are all the things ive delved in and much more.
But the simple thing for me is love and respect for life and its dignity. I can read and read Buddhism but that's how far as it can go.
The whole process of Shakubuku is so daunting. And i don't want to become a zealot.
Sometime in the middle of the day i messaged Arun, teasing him that he was looking hot last night but he didn't reply. My love for him has calmed down. I'm not anxious but i haven't stopped loving him.
Then lately today i met Twi and Lina downstairs and we discussed the substandard quality of men in the dating space and why we are still single. A cat bit me. And here i am.
Now hasn't this been a fully social day Journal?
I got a few mails from Eaxs that I'll check tomorrow. I don't feel like being overtly religious, i don't feel like reading a lot and i don't feel like overthinking things. I want to be good and do good.
May this momentum continue tomorrow. I don't want to fall into despondency.
I am feeling:
A strange tightness in my scalp
Good after such a long time
Calm
Reasonably happy
Supergrateful to MannPi
Not anxious about Arun after a really long time
Bright
Soulful
Reasonable
Logical
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
9.28 pm
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