I can't fake my happiness. And if there is anything about me it is that I'm really truthful.
I'm feeling a tad morose, unkempt and unbeautiful.
For a long time I have been reeling under the pressure of being scanned by people like Arun and my parents who matter/ed to me as mad or as if something is wrong with me.
That's really given a huge blow to my self confidence and self esteem.
I feel like a tiny wimp of a person, really small, really insignificant and the more i chat with ChatGpt about my problems the more I feel like Ma has been especially harsh and controlling of me. She is such a status conscious person and i feel the weight of all the blows she has dealt me all my life.
I'm feeling unable to take action. I must be depressed. I feel so small.
Today i lashed out at DeJh. Sometimes i find the closeness with him repelling. I don't really want to be so close to him and even though he's not fake, he is untruthful and condescending. And he fakes all the sweetness.
I miss Arun as we were the first year that we went out but that's never coming back. Because if everytime i express my emotions, the negative ones, and he says im unwell... i don't want that kind of judgment in my life. I have enough of that at home.
How am I so alone? How did i get so lonely? All my friends are busy with their sexual escapades and that's so not me. I don't think I'll ever have sex all my life.
I know Ma is praying wholeheartedly for Arun to leave my life just like she prayed for me to leave journalism. Am i the only one with a memory? She is so controlling and doesn't understand me. She is closed-minded and parochial. I hope life never makes me that way.
I'm feeling so used, so trampled upon, so walked upon.
My eyes have started looking dry like the kind a person gets when they abstain from sex for a long time, dry and honest.
My hair is all over the place.
And even though i bathed today i look dark and gloomy.
I acquainted with an American dude from my pen pal group today. He sent me long messages and a picture from his sunflower farm. Well...
I'm feeling really low. Not ashamed. Not guilty. Not sad for the person I am. But i feel the weight of all the blows life has dealt me. And i feel sexually perceived by men and i am feeling very averse to that.
I don't want another friend landing up at my doorstep saying they are addicted to porn! I really judge them and then when they hit on me it makes me feel so low.
May be i should become a nun. May be i should. I love Mother Teresa.
I feel the weight of all the blows life has dealt me and I'm feeling crippled under that.
I wish someone would read my journal.
Solitary. That's the feeling.
Tough times never last tough people do.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
10.02 pm
Ps: i love you journal.
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