In the morning i had a spat with Ma. I just asked DuMa to make me some tea and Ma said that that was the height of laziness and said I'm good for nothing. How is she so cruel?
I thought that was totally unjust. And i regrettably lashed out. I cried a lot.
Then Gau messaged me to join her in the kaikan and i went and chanted for over an hour. Ma, Buro, Mashi, Bubul Mesho have at times been especially cruel towards me. Or are the lens i'm seeing this through extremely bitter?
Then i wrote two poems for Arun and sent him one. I would have loved to have a relationship with him but our friendship is fine. It's easier. Sometimes i need to talk to him more but i don't.
As i was chanting in the kaikan i was feeling so darned drowsy. I came home and fell asleep. I slept for over two hours.
I ate my lunch after 4 and i've been feeling really low. If i don't get that midday sleep i feel awful. These medicines are really taking a toll on me.
Then Gau came home. She said many things. Firstly, that i need to chant even if mechanically. Then she spoke about depression and advised me to change my therapist because all the things N said are just not done. Let's see.
N had a human failing and she apologised and I'm one person who can understand.
Then she asked me to cut Arun out of my life. That made me cry. I tried to understand it. Ma said the same thing that i shouldn't talk to him anymore.
But we are just friends. And there is really no reason to cut him off. May be call him lesser. May be message him fewer times. I would love to be there for him all my life.
My passions for him have softened but that always happens. The love is pretty much there.
In my mind's eye i see a future me-- bunned up, wearing pearls, in a black and white saree, content, demure, assertive. The motif is from a dream i had last month.
May be i'll call Arun lesser but i don't want to cut him off from my life. And neither do I want to cut off N.
As i was chanting with Gau i prayed a lot for Omee and Bha. Bha has just stopped talking to me. Omee still says Hi when he sees me.
Too many people are reeling in this winter.
Then Jaypee called me up and said we should go for a drive. I said No. And I said if he wants to meet me he should come home. He said ok.
Then DeJh called. But the call dropped and after a point i didn't try.
Ma has been bickering at me since yesterday. She hasn't given me the kind of love mothers do all my life. Her love comes from a place of harshness not softness. And i feel the lack of love in my life. She is really sturdy, rustic and harsh. Buro has treated me horribly at many points ever since he has attained puberty.
These are my issues. Other people have their own issues.
Life is hard at the moment. We live in the saha world, the world of endurance and here we must live with grit. I feel unsupported by my family in multiple ways.
When i look at Gau's life for example i see her father's battle with mental illness, her depression, her breakup and her challenges.
When i see my life i see being seen as small, as being discarded, as being unloved and demeaned and these are all oweing to my own tendencies.
Amid such circumstances i should call forth my grit and maintain boundaries. When Arun doesn't want to talk i shouldn't call him.
When Ma and Buro can't treat me with respect i shouldn't pander after them.
And i'll be able to do that only if i can love myself deeply. All parts of me. All my tendencies. All my habits-- the person that I am.
I think i've spent a huge part of my life being kind. Now i need to turn that kindness inward and not feel guilty if i fall asleep midday or if i spiral. Life is asking me to hold myself with love.
Love thyself and love another simultaneously.
I think I'm a decent humanbeing. I am there for my friends when they need me. I am never not available when they are low. And there are Gau and SeeDhi and DeJh and even Arun to talk to.
I think i need to be more proactive when it comes to my career and that calls for moving out of my room when i need to work. Sleeping and working from the same place just doesn't cut it.
I think i don't really take care of my beauty but i do the bare minimum.
I was in such low life condition when i went to the kaikan today but now I'm feeling much better.
I need to draw boundaries. Ma has never treated me with respect. Buro has inherited thst disrespect and we treat other people the way we treat ourselves. Our inner voice talks allowed. So they must be feeling low about themselves. May be their standards are very high. May be they know no other way to be.
Arun doesn't really call me or reply to all my messages and I'm sure he has a dozen things going on in his life. I can give him the space a friend should give.
Sometimes i miss him as my boyfriend. Sometimes i do. Quite a few times. But sometimes i also feel that there is no looking back. That this is where we are. And it's a good place to be.
My brain feels kind of numb and I'm feeling edgy today.
Tomorrow i will start my day with some solid yoga. It's exactly 10.00 pm
Now i'll drink my soup and chant. My times and my life should not be a waste. The future is far along. All i have is now.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
10.01 pm
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