I was going through my last few journal entries. I sound so negative. I've been writing about my negative feelings so clearly for such a long time that it's caused me to be depressed. I should really put a positive spin to this journal.
Yesterday's building party was pleasant. I spoke to Twi and we decided to start taking walks together again. I was kind of drifting into thoughts of Arun and how he hurt me through the evening. My appetite has become smaller.
At the moment my heart is feeling shattered but I'm feeling reasonably happy.
Today's Republic Day celebration was fun. I called Ayesha beautiful and Kabir asked if he was beautiful ;)
I think Kabir has a huge crush on Ayesha. And i think they should get married.
I want to have some fun in life. Not just read serious Buddhism but actually enjoy myself.
And i eventually don't want to lose the A connection. But right now it's completely up to him if he wants to talk to me. And I've accepted it.
My heart is feeling really small and contained. Can't feel the love.
Sometimes love sits dormant in your heart and you don't feel it.
But qualitatively, if i have to judge objectively, I love A... as a person, as a humanbeing and that says a lot.
Did he really want to kill himself that night? He can be pretty harsh and mean. But he compared me to his other ex and that was just wrong.
He talks about having many options.
Now i think i have a lot of options. Everywhere i go men ask me out, say they love me, that I'm full of love and Saturday's Nica meeting won't be any different. But I'm so non-chalant about it. I don't show it off. But i should really be open to meeting good men and not think that what happened with A is the end of the world.
I'm kind of feeling detached from him. I know i should not have put a 6 months timeframe but i was hurt.
And he said he doesnt know what he saw in me? What does he suffer from amnesia? Was the whole relationship a casual joke to him?
Frankly, I'm so surprised i feel I'm over him after two nights ago. But i know love creeps in on you at odd times and it's the act of love that fuels the feeling of love. But we ain't acting.
I want to be friends with him but i think i'll go on with my life. It's alright. Shit happens. But life is precious. Very precious and i hope he makes the most of his life and that I make the most of my life.
Gau came to meet me today. She is such a sweet girl. There is a world beyond Arun, a whole huge world and i wish things had worked out between us. Believe me i do. But I'll carry the memories forward of having loved a guy deeply, sweetly, clicked his pictures everytime we met, thought he was the most handsome man in the whole world and accepted him through his flaws. I'm capable of so much love.
I really regret all the times we fought. But life goes on. And that's the only truth. Through living and death life goes on. And what we make of it is a effect of our ichinen. I tried to be friends with him, called him, even he tried but right now I feel closed off from him.
Nevertheless life goes on. He is a sweet humanbeing and i'm still not upset with him, still not angry with him. That is how much i love him. Just the way I love Buro. Unconditionally.
I'm capable of unconditional love. And that's amazing!
I am feeling:
Happy with a tinge of sadness.
Not confused but so surprised at the outcome of my meeting with Arun. I'm actually shocked it turned out that way. And i actually don't know if we'll talk ever again. And i don't want to push his buttons further and i don't want my buttons pushed too. Not talking now is first aid if there is to be a friendship.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
6.38 pm
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