Journal 1.8.2025 9.02 am searching for meaning

Dear Journal,

I woke up just a bit ago. Yesterday I tried to get out of going to Tu Bha's studio but Ra Ti insisted and I went.

I woke up from a dream where I was dreaming and realised that I have very few desires. Do I now?

I wake up each day feeling my pit empty and slightly unhappy. Things are not very good financially with me for quite some time now.

Yesterday we had a lot of fun at Tu Bha's studio. We chatted a lot, watched a film and ate yummy samosas. The other day meeting Tillu, then meeting Tu Bha yesterday and several other people like Dee and Ap I see the struggles of many people. All of them say that work has slowed down a lot and the money is not enough. Only Ga Mo seems to be working consistently. What is she doing to achieve that?

I realise that my judgmentality affects me and not anyone else and I should see the unique potential in each being. How have I lost my vast state of life?

Yesterday I read the Arts Division Handbook in the Metro and my greatest takeback was that many people in creative fields, especially women, seek laurels and the world, they desire such but fail to take action towards their goals thus leading shallow lives.

I'm feeling a bit lonely journal. I don't think I'll ever get married but I feel the need for a companion.

It's been a long road so far. And I want to wake up feeling happy. I want satisfaction back. I used to be so so so happy when I was with Arun. At that time I wasn't really grateful for the good times and the conversations.

I am feeling:

Happy and a little empty 

Geared to have a good day

I am grateful for my family and friends.

I am grateful for Arun's presence though small now in my life.

I am grateful for my body.

I am grateful for my abilities and my mind.

I am grateful for this beautiful home with my bed and yummy food and my days where I labour and toil.

I am grateful for my mind's reason and my heart's meaning.

I am grateful for Buddhism.

Change is the only constant. Everything always changes. Nothing remains as it is now. It's about forging a state of resolute joy within, about finding meaning amidst life's varied rhythms.

Love,

Me.

9.23 am

A letter to my TheMom 31.7.2025

Dearest Dimma,

It's been well over 23 years since we lost you and not a day goes by when I don't think of you. Each day I pray for your rebirth into more favourable circumstances and often I think of what you would say to me about my various circumstances so far and about so many choices I've made.

I miss your beauty, and your wisdom and your unconditional love and care. I know I wouldn't have gone through any sorrow if you were here. You never let me feel sad. And your sweet heart, and your philosophies and your depth have left a huge Dimma void in my life.

Firstly, Dimma I always thought that I would never find a more sweet heart than yours. And I did. You would call him Boud I'm sure humorously but you would guide me plainly with love and care.

Today I communed with you a lot in my mind and then decided to write this letter.

I did a play recently and today several of us went to the music director's plush recording studio. We chatted a lot, ate samosas, drank coffee and tea and watched a movie together. And of course, there was music and singing.

What would you say about my life?

I think you would be proud of me and that would make me want to really achieve the most to see those tears of joy in your eyes.

I miss lying by your side, kissing you, teasing you and counting your whites. But more importantly, I miss talking to you.

A few years after you passed on I became a journalist and I grew high up in that field. But when I quit in 2019 I decided that I would kill my pride you know Dimma. Because I saw my pride getting in the way of my happiness. And I have. Bit by bit, praying for it I think I've become so humble. You are the only person who would not call this stupid.

Just like you I take my inner life very seriously. I've become very very spiritual but I don't want to go about distributing gyaan. I'd rather listen to people's life stories and understand the uniqueness in each person.

I love somebody a lot, someone I once used to be very romantic with. And no Dimma, I haven't got married yet and I'm very alone. You would definitely guide me on that. And I'm missing you a lot today.

I've decided to kill lust, hatred, greed, anger and foolishness in my being now and cultivate love so strong. Such inner workings on your emotional life do impact its course.

And I feel happy to embark on such a spiritual journey. You are the only person this would interest.

I can't fathom actually what you would say to me today because you were always so spontaneous and original.

"The face is the mirror of the mind and the eyes are the windows to the soul." Your words echo. They have become my truth. 

I miss your presence a lot today Dimma. And you would have really worried about me.

We made leps out of all your sarees but the Dimma smell that once used to be there is gone.

I accepted today while thinking about you that most people (or may be all people) don't have the capacity to reciprocate my love, my good wishes and my care. And that should not make me sad. It makes me happy in fact because I feel I bring value to my life's relationships.

Everybody is unique and may be in this dance of life right now I'm standing all alone in a corner, in my comfort zone. But this would not last for long. Soon the pull of the music will have me gyrating too. And though I'm a terrible dancer I intend to make my performance memorable.

Just like your performance so full of grace. 

I have inherited your heart I think and I have no room for arrogance today. I'm far beyond it.

Love,

Buri. 

A letter to my mentor Sensei Daisaku Ikeda 31.7.2025

Dearest Sensei, my mentor, a writer par excellence and a person with such a lofty mission and vision that you truly lived a life of greatness,

Firstly, I am sorry that I stopped praying when you took your last breath. I truly think you are a great writer and a worthy recipient of the Nobel Prize. I feel that sometimes you wavered from the absolute Truth to show people the lofty ideal of a state of absolute happiness. The kind of Truth that doesn't just skim past the problems of life in a surface level way. May be I'm just an uber sensitive soul to say that, someone who feels too deeply.

Also, your call for kosen Rufu, a pledge to make all beings happy, is sometimes too lofty and almost seems like bandaid to wounds. The real deal Sensei is awakening to our Buddha nature and seeing the Buddha nature in all and causing them to aspire to the Boddhisattva way. I seem to be in that state of mind. Of course, my dearest mentor you would tell me I'm a little off my path. But that is how I see it.

Secondly, I have a lofty vision for my life and a great mission I must accomplish but when I see my mother and other members deriding other people I feel discouraged from my practice. Then I tell myself that they too have the Buddha nature and will learn. I know that to be able to naturally venerate the life in front of you is what will lead to happiness.

You know Sensei, I faltered around the time you passed away. And I wish I had met you in person at least once in my life. I stopped caring for my life and my career spending all my free time meeting and thinking about someone I fell deeply in love with. He is married with children and yet, my heart went against all reason.

At some point before you died I started chanting again. I prayed wholeheartedly for his spouse and his children and him to live lives of indestructible happiness and joy and it was then that he left me. It was like my life answering my prayers, telling me that what I was doing was wrong and stopping me from continuing down that road.

I was broken, distraught and very sad and I wasn't really able to appreciate your life in your passing around that time because that is when the great break-up happened.

I never thought I would ever fall in love with a married man and frankly Sensei I never loved or love anyone so deeply and truly, and I feel that may be he led me on.

What would you say my sweetest, dearest mentor to this?

I think you would tell me to continue to pray for him and his family, and to broaden my view of my life and deepen my vow towards my goals and be committed to my own happiness and immerse myself in Kosen Rufu. That is what I'm trying to do my dearest of mentors.

I'm trying hard. And like my impossiblest of impossible prayers have been answered before I know I will achieve that state of indestructible joy I so wish for others and live the magic of this mystical life again.

How do I make reason or peace of the fact that I still love him so deeply my dearest mentor?

Frankly, I spent many hours with him when I met him those days you know Sensei not caring about my own life and goals and dreams. And I was bound to get hurt.

I did the most despicable of things. I borrowed money from him and I'm so ashamed about it that I can't tell anyone. I'm so ashamed and so sad.

Anyway Sensei, all I want to tell you is that I'm trying. That's the first step. But trying is not enough. It's actions that speak louder than words.

I wrote you letters when you were alive and I know you prayed for my happiness. I wonder where the painting I gifted you is.

My dearest of Sensei, my noblest of mentors, I vow to dedicate my life to leading all beings to absolute happiness. I just need some clarity to kind of be happy and I need a resolution or a light to this deep love I feel for this person. We still talk. He never calls me but I call him every few days to check on him.

And frankly Sensei, I see his Buddha nature, a blazing fire like Buddha Heavenly Fever of all Beings. I always felt before I met him that I would fall in love with someone like Buddha Heavenly Fever of All Beings. Judge me all you want.

I miss you Sensei. I miss the opportunity to write you personal letters. And I feel deep regret that I actually stopped praying, and especially that you passed on during that period.

I will never waver from Buddhism and my Buddhist ideals. My life is dedicated to Shakyamuni Buddha, my true teacher. And I really want to teach my darling friend who I love so much the chant.

Sensei, I'm so sorry I let you down. I'm trying to be a better person. If you were alive I would have definitely sent you this letter. And I know you would join your hands in prayer for me.

Since circumstances don't allow it, I pray for you each day.

Thank you for your love and prayers and thank you for being the one writer among many who touched my soul the most with his sincerity.

Sensei, I'll make you proud. I'll make myself proud. I will Sensei. My heart is one with yours.

May you rest and be reborn to find Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo again in a place of good fortune and deep love.

Till we meet Sensei.

Love,

Doel.

Journal 31.7.2025 9.19 am careless

Dear Journal,

I woke up a little before 9. I had a dream that people around me were not taking care of something or someone which later I felt was ageing Thama and I was appalled at their apathy.

This imagery went on for quite some time. I saw Ma in my dream entering my bathroom to use a towel to wipe her hands.

I woke up with every intention to have a fruitful day. But Ra Ti messaged that he wants to take me, Ku Va and Hi to Tu Bha's studio. It's something I can't get out of and something I'd like to see too. It'll also be a good outing. We will Metro it. 

I am feeling:

Happy

A little stuck

Glad that I sleep so deeply and so well

Love,

Me.

9.24 am

Journal 30.7.2025 10 pm thinking about karma

Dear Journal,

Hi called me today asking me to join her, Ra Ti and Ku Va. I told her I was busy writing and if I had time I'd join them even though I had been staring at a blank screen for quite some time. I did not really want to go out and I need that much-needed exercise I always tell Arun to get.

I did my evening prayers and at some point after smoking a few cigarettes I wrote. And I flowed. I wrote for quite a long time totally in rhythm for the first time without planning, without any structure in mind, just a story in my head, waiting to be told.

And I realised that just like Bibhutibhushan Bandhopadhyay, the author of the novel Pather Panchali, said that's the best way to write-- with just a story in mind and your pen guiding you.

I realised firstly, that I'm so out of touch. And I'm glad I'm not a journalist today because otherwise I would have been so conditioned as I used to be by the structure of news.

I poured out my heart into my story. This is just the first draft. And then because it's ten now and time for dinner I stopped so that Pa could watch TV.

I asked chat gpt to analyse my work and I'm so appalled by the selfishness of my protagonist as she is being revealed on my pages and by my own selfishness.

And that caused me to realise that it's not just childhood conditioning but a range of karma across lifetimes that decides our fate.

I empathised with each character I've brought out so far. And as Arun is my favourite reference point these days for any creative fuel I understood him today better and myself too and I forgave myself for when I've hurt people, and Arun for not calling me up and ignoring me, and my mom also, someone who I love but who I think has made my life a little hard sometimes.

I thought that yes, desires do lead to all of life's sufferings but a life devoid of desires is unimaginable and those who try to curb their desires are foolish. I think this book will be colourful and I think it will also make me a better person which will be its greatest gift to me.

Life is not perfect, neither for my protagonist nor for me, nor for Arun who has caused me so much heartache. But I can be more understanding and more understated.

This is the first draft and I'm loving writing it. Therapeutic to say the least.

Ma is so cute. She gifted me the Arts Division Handbook. I am going to devour it. I love my parents. I would be nowhere without them.

My greatest learning writing today was -- Everybody wants to have it all but nobody really has it all even though we envy people who seem to us like they have it all. And that is life's greatest lesson so far for me.

I am feeling:

Like I need to really do pranayam. I'm improperly breathing.

To the dinner table now.

Ciao!!!!! Dearest Journal!

Love,

Me.

10.26 pm

Flame

You with a vision so clear

And such an honourable

Golden heart, so very dear,

So very beautiful and charmed.

You burn blazing and real

As a flame that will never die

Against the raging winds of time

Burning sometimes softly,

Sometimes full in my soul.

Journal 30.7.2025 1.39 pm Arising out of all my problems and troubles

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where I saw Ra Ti going down a dark path as I watched. I kept sleeping on and on deeper and deeper into sleep seeing this recurring image not wanting to wake up. I finally woke up after 8.

I smoked a cigarette and then I did a thirty minute Daimoku session. I did a little bit of yoga and finished Volume 1 of Opening of the Eyes. I just can't find Volume 2 so I started reading Peter Thiel's Zero to One.

I finished two chapters. This world is a marketplace of desires where we trade in desires. You will succeed only if you have something unique to offer, says Thiel, only if you can offer the world a Truth that is not commonplace.

I reflected a lot on this and I realised that I offer the world love and kindness both though Truths of life, not commonplace.

In a dog eat dog world when one is threatened in any way or surrounded by forces that would impede us retaliation by force and strength is considered the norm. If you seek to understand or extend love and kindness in such situations it's considered weakness. And I tend to do that. No matter what I always say sorry to patch things up and I always seek to understand more and more.

I'm no expert on life and kindness and I'm always learning, always becoming better, always growing and I know better than anybody else that I've made mistakes in life.

I reflected on all the work I do and all the work I want to do and I vowed that this belief in a path of love and compassion should reflect in all my life's work, in my thoughts and prayers, in my speech, in each act I carry out.

Well, that was that.

I waited a lot for Mad and Du Ma to come not going for a bath. As I smoked I thought that I should find a solution to my problems and all the obstacles I face and seek to understand them and myself, rising out of my circumstances.

I also vowed that I would never beg, borrow or steal ever and that I have to find means to return Arun's money. I vowed that in life and in death I would never trouble or burden anybody.

You are a great companion dear Journal in this life where though surrounded by many I am alone, an individual, seeking to make a mark with things unforgettable.

I know there are many naysayers along the way, several whom I hold closely and love but I think I'll let their voices drown out against life's melody merging all the sounds to create my own unique music.

I'm waiting for Du Ma to finish cooking and after that I'll sit and write for three hours at a stretch. She came late and is taking a helluva time to finish cooking.

It's a good day and a lovely life.

I am feeling:

Clarity as to my life's path after a long time.

Hopeful.

Determined. 

Compassionate.

Love,

Me.

2 pm

The dark jar

The dark jar that smells so good

Is lying vacant as I give up being rude

And I emerge from its blackness

Awakened to my worth of gold

Into the marketplace of the world's desires.

Many seek me but I don't see them as good

Because their conduct wavers from what should

And then dwelling in my teacher's mission

I abandon comfort for that lofty vision

And snakes come and gather about

And I a damsel distressed cry out loud

And I sit and toil on my many unique creations

Filling them with beauty and my heart's reason.

My loves are all within me for now

Tethered to my soul, tethered to all who follow

And I abandon pride, I vanquish greed and fear

As I wipe out single-handedly all the many tears.

Many jewels pile up in my soul

In abundance, leaking out for it would not hold

And the many of the world's desires

That bring suffering and raging fires

I have understood, yes I have understood

Handing out love as consuming food

And the taste is pleasant, the flavour divine

Of all I have to offer, all that is mine

And back into my dark jar I go,

The one that smells so good,

The one that taught me the flow

Of the varied rhythms of life's song

That is strummed with and only on strings of love.

Journal 29.7.2025 11.55 pm nostalgic

Dear Journal,

Since the last time I updated you I went for Ku Va's birthday party. There was yummy cake, munchies, Wai Wai noodles, cigarettes and beer.

We chatted a lot and played lots of soulful music. I played some songs that I share with Arun. And I really really miss him. I felt so nostalgic.

Many times during the party I felt like going home but I stayed on till the end.

Ra Ti is a good father and a good husband. His wife called him up many times and he gave the phone to me to talk to her.

Then he dropped me home.

My priority when I wake up each day is to chant, do yoga and write and then the whole day will follow.

Tillu is such a pleasure to talk to. And her guidance on being more clear about my vision for my work life is so apt, that is what I needed to hear.

I sometimes get worried looking at my palm but what's there to worry? What is is... I can define the future with my efforts now. The present is what matters.

I also had a deja vu during the party.

I feel a lot of love today.

I feel happy.

I feel determined and hopeful. Nothing is lost.

Even in rejecting me Arun taught me so much. I am the person I am because of him. I really really want to pay him his money back. He will feel so happy.

Love is all I really have to give. I have much more and I can give it but at the end of it all all I have is love.

I am blessed to practice Buddhism. I am blessed to have the life I have with all its experiences.

Love,

Me.

12.08 am

My mission and vision of my career/work life

Mission: To dedicate my life to creative pursuits (writing/acting/painting/Tarot) that inspires all beings right from the lowest common denominator to those in the highest echelons of society with no difference between them touching their hearts and moving them with the various Truths of life and living and exploring various facets of life with compassion and understanding transforming lives and giving hope and aspirations with messages of Truth and Love in all my work. I see my work touching the vast expanse of humanity, touching people's hearts deep causing them to reflect deeply and effect great change in their lives bringing me the love of the masses and recognition with the Midas touch of success.

Vision: To live in the hearts of all beings as a true creative voice of love and hope and to be remembered for a long time with strong works that will always mesmerise and touch people no matter what the time of reception.

Journal 29.7.2025 5.54 pm a day of Opening the mind

Dear Journal,

Since I last updated you I met Dee and we spoke a lot. She spoke to me about cultivating self love, vulnerability and praying for and prioritizing myself first. I got that. She reminds me so much of Salvia. Salvia is also like this with her beautiful self-made perspectives on life. We spoke for over an hour. We chatted and chatted and could have gone on for more time.

I told her that I don't really have women friends outside the sangha and she told me that's probably because I'm so opinionated and have such a strong personality. Qud had also told me that once that I'm very strong-headed.

I told Dee about praying for others and we spoke about the changing rhythms of life. It turns out that we have a lot of common friends.

Most of the writing I'm doing these days is in this blog and I really need to work on my novel.

Then me and Dee prayed for over half an hour. It was memorable given that I'd been in tears just before meeting her.

Then I just a little faffed around, wrote that letter to Arun since when I've thought a lot about him.

I ate a late lunch and it was time to go meet Tillu. Even though I intended to walk it up I was running so late that I had to rick it.

She was her radiant jovial self. She hasn't aged a bit. I apologised to her for the past and she told me about how she is struggling with work and I told her about my struggles in taking action for my work.

She asked me what I'd been praying for. I told her. She told me it's all good seriously studying and practising Buddhism but there is much more to life. I'm not aiming to be a Buddhist scholar so I have to read and do other things and make time to work. More importantly she told me that I can't be so vague in my mind and in my prayers about my career. I need to polish my philosophy and vision for my career just like I have a polished philosophy for life.

She's absolutely lovely. I love her so much. Everybody does. She brings so much value to my life. She is iconic.

We did our Gongyo and chanted for over half an hour.

Then she pulled out a book that I intend to buy. She turned to a page and read out Herbie Hancock's turning point in his life, the time he polished his vision about what kind of music he wants to give the world. And that's when he invented funk and invited his first Grammy amid tens of dozens of Grammies.

She said this is what I need, a polished intention, a polished vision of what I want to offer the world through my work to invite success into my life. I always learn so much from her. I am the Buddhist I am thanks to her and several other people but I especially remember all the advice she's ever given me.

She is never banal or flippy floppy, and I told her that. She has so much presence, so much intention and I think her fire will never die out.

It's much like Arun's personality. Even he has such charisma and energy and love and that fire that so magnetically draws me to him and I love him for that.

Then it was time to leave.

As I was walking back home I thought about Arun and his fire, his determinations, his view of life and work. His beautiful oh so expressive eyes, his beautiful hands, the smell of his skin, the beautiful hue of his skin, his aura, his choices, his voice... The voice does the Buddha's work, the voice reflects the heart and Arun's voice reflects the vastness of his heart... I love him for his unique view of life, I love him for his mistakes and successes, I love the smell of his scalp and the texture of his skin, I love his heart so much... I know he'll never exclusively give me his heart, I've always loved how his lips feel against mine.... and his eyes I could get lost in them... I love his sentimentality, his emotional life and I really want to teach him how to chant Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo so that his fire never dies and so that he can actualize all his dreams and live the life of his dreams.

I know that he has a vagabond heart that doesn't want to dwell in just one place and I'm the last person who'll tie him down. But who says I can't love him wholeheartedly and appreciate him all the same.

Well, that's that. Mad has made me tea. It's Ku Va's birthday today that we are celebrating and I've already received a few calls to go there.

I'm really missing Arun's smile.

Now I'll drink that cuppa and head off.

Love,

Me.

6.33 pm

Letter to Arun 29.7.2025 2.27 pm

Dearest dearest cutest of cute Aruns,

This is a letter I'm never going to send with words I'm never going to speak and thoughts that need unfettering from my soul.

Firstly, do you value yourself?

I don't think you do because you run behind people and things that are frivolous, people and things that don't add value to your life, you chase experiences and people and see yourself and people in such a low fashion that it makes me feel that you probably have low self esteem despite all the big talk.

You kind of sabotage good things and good experiences. Well, you let me go.

I feel and I know I'm one person who would have stood by you no matter what and I still love you.

You know I've been praying for you for a very long time but recently I started blessing your wife abundantly in my prayers and I feel so close to her in doing that. And I feel that you are such a small person in treating her the way you do.

You treat her most disrespectfully and unkindly, lying to her and deceiving her which means that you disrespect yourself. She is one woman who has stood by you through thick and thin and wives as is known can be pretty unpleasant.

You saying that you can't go to a party without a woman by your side is such a shallow way of viewing life and experiences.

You saying that you are a bad person makes you hurt people a lot and frankly, in saying that you hurt yourself maximum.

What has happened Arun? What happened to you that you are so angry, and such a liar and so deceptive?

I know you are dating some woman because you told me that. You don't call me or message me and I think I won't do that either now.

I know with experience from my mom who is a lot like you that you can't change people. My mom is aggressive just like you and views herself very poorly which causes her to view other people poorly and she is difficult and she's very hard to live with. You are just like that.

I'm not asking you to change because you will change if you see how your behaviour and choices affect you and the lives of those who are a part of you. And if you feel more responsible.

Even I need to change.

But I'm asking you to reflect. I'm asking you to look within and see the beauty of your soul and live in accordance with that beauty, I'm asking you to make better choices that don't hurt you and the people who love you.

You seem to be one specimen who enthusiastically runs behind people and experiences that bring fleeting bursts of joy.

Why don't you seek that unbounding endless joy that comes from being a good person and having a clean conscience?

You don't owe it to me. But you do owe it to your wife and children. That's your biggest responsibility, to man up and better up. And believe me it's never too late to do that. You just need to have the intention. Everything begins with intention.

I don't mean to put you down.

The Buddha said the greatest goodness and the greatest love is emptiness. I understand that today.

It's been quite a while since my heart has filled up with love for you. I feel so empty.

But even in that emptiness I love you.

I wish you could see your soul the way I do. Beautiful, kind, colourful, humorous, abundantly loving and the sweetest soul I've ever seen. If you could just see that and take my word for it and believe it you would be a far more responsible and better human being.

And since you make all these choices I know you don't view yourself very kindly.

What would your mother say about your life's choices? What would God tell you when you meet him about how you've hurt people? Don't you believe in retribution? And don't you believe in karma?

As I'm writing this your cutest face is in my mind's eye.

You should never even for a moment believe that I don't love you because I do. I always have and always will. Who knew the one guy I would fall in love so deeply with would be such a complicated human being? It's surely been challenging loving you.

But like Pascal said: "The heart has its reasons that reason knows not of."

There is simply no reason for me to love you and your soul in as deep a fashion as I do. It must be karma, it must be guided by a hand above. When I bless you in my prayers I do it with so much love, intention and meaning, I really really mean those blessings, I really really intend them. I really wish you and your loved ones well. That is why I feel most deeply that you are demeaning yourself by living the life you are.

Well, I'm no one to judge you, me also so full of flaws. But I just wish you'd make different kinds of choices and be more conscientious.

Anyway, I've said enough. A guy who smells just as wonderful as you must have the sweetest and most beautiful soul, I who fell in love with the inner you, your core.

Don't mean to put you down.

I love you.

Doel.

3.06 pm

Love letter to myself 29.7.2025

Hey you!

Why are you so sad? And why are you crying so? Is it because you are hurt?

Well, firstly if no one says this I'll tell you, I am sorry from the bottom of my soul for times I've deceived you and hurt you, for times I've rejected you and for times I've deceived you and made you sabotage your dreams and your goals. I'm truly sorry and I want your forgiveness. Please do forgive me.

I'm sorry for making you so small, I'm sorry that you don't take care of yourself and I'm here to hold your hand into the land of happiness and your dreams.

If no one says this I'll tell you, I see your vast heart of love and forgiveness, I see your heartaches and pains and I, if nobody else does, want to hold this heart in mine and nurture it and shower it with love and honour.

You are the kindest person I know, the most loving and the most genuine.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low and so down.

First things first, you need a new habit. You need to see that pot of gold of luck and good fortune as half full and not half empty. And you need to see the good in people, not their flaws and of course charity begins at home.

So you need to see your worth. You are worthy of your dreams. Appreciate yourself because I appreciate you. Love yourself because I love you the maximum. Nobody will ever love you as much as I do.

So let me tell you about all the things I love about you.

I love your hands. They do the work of love.

I love your feet damaged as they are. The high arch says that you tread only in love.

I love your skin, smooth and freckled. It's colour reflects your bright energy.

I love your aura of deep love and compassion.

I love your face, pretty and bright, and the kindness in your eyes, and your flared nostrils and that honour they wear, your charming smile and your kissable lips.

I love how you smell. You smell divine.

I love that you hand out hope like confetti to all. Believe me people value you more than they can see or tell you.

When you write, or paint or in whatever you do your soul is seen. And that touches people even if they don't tell you.

Your courage in trying to forgive people and yourself, your courage in your decisions and your courage in guiding so many to happiness is laudable.

I believe that you mean well. And more importantly, I believe in you. I believe that you will surmount all odds. Just cultivate a little discipline please. And live the life of a Buddhist yogi, compassionate and kind that you are.

You are a Buddha and you better see it even as you see others that way.

Rise into the sky and sit high atop the mountain of love and shut your eyes and as you whisper prayers for others wish the greatest prayer for yourself.

Now cease scowling, wear a big wide smile, be happy and go eat your breakfast. Your friend will be here soon and she wants to see you smiling.

You look best when you are happy.

So be happy.

Love,

Your soul.

11.45 am

Journal 29.7.2025 11 am I HAVE TO FORGIVE

Dear Journal,

I woke up and had a bath and spent some time on YouTube. Then Pa came back from his walk and pointed fingers at me and shouted at me forcing me to go on a path that is not of my choice.

I'm tired, really tired of the way my loved ones treat me.

I chanted while weeping for about 15 minutes to forgive Ma (the most), Baba, Buro and Arun. I have to forgive everybody who has ever slandered me and rejected my good wishes and my heart.

I'm feeling so distraught. I feel so hurt. People really can hurt the people who love them.

I prayed a lot to let Arun go, to not think about him, to set himself and me free.

I want to be responsible, I want to be independent and I don't want to trouble anybody in life and in death.

I'm so hurt. So very hurt.

I wish I had someone to hug me, to kiss me, to love me unconditionally and to tell me it will all be alright and that I'm perfect just the way I am.

Love,

Me.

11.09 am

Journal 29.7.2025 8.47 am dream of a hole

Dear Journal,

I had a dream before waking up where my mind constantly kept getting directed towards a sail on a boat with a hole in it.

There is something flawed about my strategy.

Beethoven wrote at least a line of music each day.

I must also write at least for 15 minutes each day.

I am feeling:

Like combing my hair

Eager to face this day

Happy

Plain

Happy that I slept well

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.51 am

Journal 28.7.2025 9.01 pm I seek forgiveness

Dear Journal,

When I checked the time after I woke up I think it was exactly 9. At the time I started this journal entry it was exactly 9. So much for synchronicities. 

Arun messaged me mid-day telling me he is fine. I'm so grateful to him that he did that.

Yesterday Ma had a heart to heart talk with me. She told me that ever since I was small wherever I've gone I've invited jealousy. She is partly right but I don't quite view my life that way. Mom told me to be grateful that life has endowed me with so many abilities and to make the most of them and not get perturbed by those who make my life difficult.

Today after I woke up and had the delicious juices Pa so lovingly makes for me each day I quickly had a bath because Ku Va was supposed to come home. I read a chapter from Opening of the Eyes and the first Gosho that I planned to study with Ku Va. He came half an hour late and that irritated me.

I studied the Gosho with him explaining the meaning of Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo to him and then we chanted for twenty minutes. I guided him on how he should pray. And I'm grateful that he came. Then he left.

Then I had the tea made by Du Ma and went down for a short walk. I bumped into Raa and Gun and they said they will come home on Thursday.

After that I chanted abundant daimoku. I prayed wholeheartedly for Arun, his children, his wife and my family. Somewhere in between I had lunch. I prayed a lot for my friends and somehow all this chanting makes me feel Arun's wife's heart. I can feel her pain and her challenges like I know what her soul needs. Praying for her makes me feel really close to her. Even though no one will be able to believe it I do love her.

In the evening when I did my Gongyo I decided that I would pray to forgive anyone who has ever hurt me and in turn seek forgiveness for slandering people and the Dharma. Somehow I also felt the need to somehow change my karma on how men view me. I don't think anybody would understand how much that bugs me.

Then even though I wanted to write I sat and read Opening of the Eyes. I was born to be a Buddhist. I wish doing only this would pay me.

Then I went to meet See Dhi and I bumped into Ma. See Dhi and I chanted for about 45 minutes and we studied. I told her to vanquish all the fears in her heart and pray with gratitude and forgiveness. That set her off on another 45-minute rant that left me speechless.

She spoke to me about all her fears, her many many many regrets, about her autistic son and kind of advised me to live with no regrets and to really live it up.

Even though my heart went out to her I didn't know what to say. I listened patiently.

I think she views her life the way she thinks others view her. We all do that.

Even I judge myself a lot by how i think Arun probably views me (and I don't think he views me very graciously) and how  i think my friends view me and my life.

It's quite natural.

But no one can see the virtue in my heart, the treasures of love I am sowing and I should be proud as should See Dhi but I did not tell her that.

Instead I told her to pray with gratitude and forgiveness. I'll meet her again soon.

Then I walked back home amid a drizzle carrying Arun's wife's heart within mine. I really feel for her and I feel somehow that her happiness is my responsibility. Praying for her makes me feel really close to her.

I quickly had a Chinese bhel, did not buy cigarettes and walked back up because the lift wasn't working.

Where there is invisible virtue there is visible reward as Shakyamuni Buddha said. Life is both predictable and unpredictable and mystical and magical.

I must take greater responsibilities towards myself and my well-being and really make the most of the time and resources I have right now. I have such a solid support system so even though I won't write anything now I must set working on my novel. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline is the key. And dedication to my own well-being.

I'm feeling so awake.

I must pray far more for See Dhi and her family.

I'm blessed.

I am feeling:

Grateful that I'm a votary of the Lotus Sutra. Studying it and its allied teachings has taught me everything about life.

Responsible towards others through prayer.

Happy.

Serious.

Compassionate especially towards See Dhi hoping she gets the solutions to all her problems.

Now I'll study another chapter of Opening of the Eyes and go to sleep.

I hope Arun is living a blessed life and is happy. My heart for him.

I am oh so grateful for quite a many things.

Love,

Me.

9.43 pm

Journal 28.7.2025 9.14 am a dream by a seaside

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I was trying to put on an exhibit/show with some items (dolls or something) like a pattern, like some kind of vertical art and that there were some restrictions on me and that Ku Va supported me. I even saw Ra Ti in the dream on the parapet of my home like those labourers trying to put the finishing touches to the exhibit. He risked falling down but never fell down. At some point I saw two boys in swim trunks running beside two dolphins ready to make some hay; they were running towards the sea along a sandy path. I saw many people by the seaside. It seemed like I saw Goa in my dream. At one point I didn't want to work on the show and wanted to revel like the others.

Well, that's that. Yesterday I sent Arun a message in the afternoon and I realised later that he hadn't checked a message all day. And for some reason I got really worried.

I'm sure there is no need to worry and that he's fine.

Chanting kind of makes you think more.

Now Ku Va will be coming home in a bit.

I hope this day goes really well.

I am feeling:

Groggy after waking up after 9.

Determined

Happy

I am grateful for life and all the people who adorn it.

9.24 am

Journal 27.7.2025 8.38 pm praying for Arun's wife

Dear Journal,

Since my last post I for the first time chanted for an hour at a stretch. And it seemed like such a short while. I blessed all those I love and don't love in my prayers. Well, I love everybody. I blessed Arun, his two children and his wife.

Even before everytime I pray for Arun's wife with blessings I can feel her energy, I can feel her pain and I feel heavy. I feel like I carry her heart in mine and I feel really close to her.

That causes me to feel really uncomfortable and kind of responsible for her happiness in a way. I don't feel such heaviness praying for anybody else. I feel really free and comfortable praying for Arun himself.

Anyway I carried this discomfort with me for some time and then I dug into Sensei's lecture series on Opening of the Eyes.

What I grasp from my study is that the original cause and original effect of Buddhahood and the Boddhisattva way are inherent in all. All beings possess the Buddha nature and are already Buddhas because they have the potential to be Buddhas.  And once they awaken to this identity they will never regress from the Boddhisattva way.

This is the essence of the principle of Three Thousand Realms in a Single Moment of Life which is the heart of the essential teaching of the Lotus Sutra. Sensei really has the knack to simplify tough concepts and drive them home.

I thought while studying that I would sit and work on my novel but I really feel like praying more, especially for Arun's wife. I think I'll do that.

It's pouring outside and going for a walk right now is out of the question.

I am feeling:

Happy

Benevolent

Worried about Arun

Determined

Hopeful

I am so grateful for Shakyamuni Buddha, the Lotus sutra and his life and his teachings.

Love,

Me.

8.53 pm

Journal 27.7.2025 3.52 pm invisible virtue, visible reward

Dear Journal,

Last night Abhi Kaku and family left after 1 am and we all went to sleep rather late. Chun has such a serene look on her face, she bears an aura of tranquility just like her mom.

I notice that mom's forehead bears lines of worry and anger as does See Dhi's forehead. Abhi kaku's forehead looks troubled. My father's entire head is too sweet and Arun, well Arun's head is the sweetest and smells the best.

I woke up exactly at 10 am from an intricate dream from which I remember talking to Arun a lot and him listening with his head turned sideways looking into the distance. When I woke up and reflected I remember this from the first time I laid bear my heart to him and told him that I love him deeply. That night too he had turned his head just like that while listening to me.

I really love him.

I woke up and quickly had a bath and attended the zadankai at our place. We saw Ma, See Dhi, Dee, Ap, their friend Shiv and Ku Va (my friend who came late) and me in attendance. I missed the Gongyo because I was busy making coffee for myself.

But I chanted for over ten minutes with the gang.

From my practice of Buddhism I have come to realise that the only trick to good luck and good fortune is praying for other people and wishing them well in our hearts no matter how they treat us. I have seriously big prayers, for myself and others. I pray for the hugest victories for all my friends, especially for Arun.

Dee shared her experience which was so encouraging. All the experiences of victory validate this point. It's in other's happiness that our victory lies.

Ma took the study of nine consciousnesses. I judge my mother too harshly. She is a wonderfully sweet woman and my whole heart is hers. She is my very heartbeat. She was looking so pretty in her grey saree that Dimma had bought her and she has the personality of a scholar, of someone who reflects deeply.

After the meeting I went down with Ku Va and we had Chai and I smoked a cigarette. He told me how he has been struggling.

After I came back home I sent Arun a message telling him to never give up on his dreams. I don't ever want him to give up on his dreams.

I also sent Ku Va an encouraging message.

Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo has a unique powerful vibration that causes one to be so happy. I really some day want to be able to tell Arun about it. His life will change. But I always feel that he won't be open to it.

Then I chanted for about ten minutes and did my Gongyo.

Lunch was fish, Dal, Aloo fry, karela fry. I am so grateful for the sumptuous food I eat each day. I think I'll eat a mango after I finish writing this and pray for half an hour.

Just a while ago Na Bho called to check on me. And I told him how grateful I am for Beshaur. It was just what I needed to happen in my life.

This De Jh sends me long clingy messages that really put me off. I don't really know him that well and it's really bugging.

Today I think I'm going to chant and focus on writing.

I'll shoot videos tomorrow.

I have three meetings on Tuesday.

When you desire something with your whole heart the entire qayanat conspires for you. It's all about our ichinen, our innate determination and intention.

There are so many things we desire and seeing those desires not materialise demotivates us but at the same time we have so much else going for us that we are not grateful for. Take Arun for example. I should be so grateful that he's still a part of my life and that he picks up my calls.... I am so so so grateful for that.

Where there is invisible virtue, there is visible reward. The heart is the greatest harvester and what we sow in it bears fruit as forests of our reality. Our destiny is always in the making, it is creationary.

Also I must make greater efforts to discipline my mind and be always present. I find that when I'm wishing people around me well and not dissatisfied I'm usually more calm.

I am feeling:

Happy.

Loving towards Arun and Ma.

Loving towards all.

A little worried about my father.

Determined.

Happy as can be.

Determined to be the best version of myself.

Looking forward to meeting Tillu this week.

I am grateful for all the people in my life and all of life's experiences good and bad.

I am super grateful for my parents, my brother, Sadhya and Arun.

I am so grateful that Arun is in my life.

I look forward to the future with hope and dreams for myself and all the people I love and I'm so grateful that I have hope in my heart.

I am grateful for all that I have.

Love,

Me.

4.31 pm

Journal 26.7.2025 9.22 pm worries

Dear Journal,

Pa has dislocated his thumb. I am so pained to see him in pain. I really really love my father and his stoic silence against his pain brings tears to my eyes.

I am living a solitary life. I don't know what I would have done without my parents.

I woke up today pretty early. When I checked the time it was 5.55. I did my pranayam, meditation, yoga, chanting, the whole rhythm was perfect.

Then I shot a few videos for my channel. I made a few mistakes and views are increasing slowly. I need to work on the volume and like Arun told me (from what I understood over a cracked phone line) I adjusted the camera.

Then Ap came home. She really has sex appeal. She's really got the oomph and reminds me so much of Eshna.

Me and Ap studied blessings in Buddhism from A Cluster of Blessings and chanted for half an hour. I guided her a little because she's been reeling under anxiety but I don't know if I got through. I told her how important it is to bless others in our prayers.

She told me that she's been paralysed by irrational fears. OK, that was that.

Then I had tea made by Du Ma, ate a humble lunch and shot two more videos.

Then Ma and I went to Eternal Ganges. I bought Ma TWFCHAP Part 3 because Ma said she has the first two volumes.

I have to gather finances to pay A back. That is always looming on my mind.

The book was a gift for Ma's birthday. Then I got back home alone.

The Eternal Ganges shop has come closer to home.

I finished shooting all the remaining videos for the day and Ra Ti messaged. I somehow decided to go meet him.

He is a slightly selfish sort of man, mean-hearted, irrationally judgmental and hanging out with him really affects my mood. Raa and Gun were also there and we had samosas and coffee.

One thing about Ra Ti is that he takes his work very seriously and he holds love as an ideal. That makes him tolerable. But today from all his talk I gathered what I'd presumed, that to get ahead he could utilise anyone and take advantage of anyone. All the talk about love from him is all humbug when you can sense that about him.

His character shows on his face. Of course he is a fantastic director and a great actor.

After meeting him I realised how important it is to cultivate humility and a good heart.

I also realised that I give off my energy to too many people. I should stay silent apropos Vipassana.

Ra Ti also said a lot of nasty things about Hi. And she's told me her side of the story. So I stayed silent. Not too many people have read so much psychology and philosophy like I have and I've decided to kind of not go around doling out so much gyaan.

Another realisation that I've held for a very long time is that the things that we are most proud of create the maximum obstacles for us and can also lead to our downfall. Moderation. Moderation. Moderation in everything.

Like Dimma had once told me: "Do everything but in moderation and do it with dignity."

When I was dating Arun I thought a lot about these words of wisdom from my grandmother-- dignity at all cost.

Then I came home and I got a call for an audition. I quickly shot the video and sent it and then Abhi Kaku, Chun and Sud kakima came home for dinner unannounced.

The conversation at all family gatherings these days quickly touches old age, health and death. And that makes me very sad. When my father discusses his death with me.

It breaks my heart.

I know Arun has moved on. He doesn't call me anymore. A huge chunk of my heart still loves him but I've learnt to let go, to not obsess and to honour the friendship we have.

Today as I was thinking about him I thought about how he so looks like a cute bunny rabbit. Hmm.

I just took away from the party in the hall to update my journal.

I think I'll pray before I go outside and out of the things I pray for myself I'll add cultivating a humble good heart.

May I never get overarching so proud of myself that I get mean. I do have a tendency to be mean and judgmental because I think I'm oh so intelligent.

I am feeling:

A slight backache

Reflective

Determined

Willing to go the whole hog

Sentimental

A little sad, a little happy

Hopeful

I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for my friends. I am grateful for all my experiences-- good and bad. I am grateful for my parent's lives, for my brother's life, for Arun's blessed life and I am grateful for hope and all my blessings.

I am grateful that when God made me God added his own special Doel touch :) I am a unique specimen as are we all.

Love,

Me.

9.56 pm

Journal 25.7.2025 1.16 pm it's time to let go

Dear Journal,

I woke up a little before 9 today. I had a dream that I was trying to make an important point to Ra Ti but he didn't want to listen to me.

I got ready and left to meet See Dhi amidst the pouring rain.

We chanted for a long time. We discussed success. I told her that the only way to success and good fortune is wishing others well. Because success stems from being in harmony with our environment.

She spoke about consistency. She said that in my practice I have to show up consistently whether I like it or not. I can't give up mid-way or take breaks. Well, point noted.

As I was chanting today I realised that I have to embrace Ma with all her flaws. And I decided to buy her the two books she so wants from the Eternal Ganges book shop. They are out of stock online.

Sometimes I feel irritable and sometimes I feel empty. But life is good.

Seema and I studied good health today. It was a simple study replete with all that I already know.

I'm waiting for Du Ma to finish cooking lunch so that I can then shoot some videos.

I did one yoga asana today and one pranayam. Something is better than nothing.

I've moved on from the past two years and I feel better.

I'm so grateful that I worked in Beshaur. It was memorable.

It's time to let A go and not hold on to scraps.

I am feeling:

Awake

Pretty 

Happy

Slightly irritable

Grateful

Determined

I am grateful for life's infinite love, Grace and blessings on me and all that I love.

Love,

Me.

1.30 pm

Journal 24.7.2025 10.10 pm releasing

Dear Journal,

I had an alright day.

I fell asleep after 2.30 last night and woke up at 9.30. I slugged it out in the morning. Du Ma made me two cups of tea and that's when I sat down and meditated and chanted. I haven't done yoga in a while.

Then I shot some shorts for YouTube which was a huge lesson in itself. YouTube's algorithm doesn't allow the viewing of videos shot in a crowded fashion. Some of the shorts got decent views but the ones shot later went unviewed. I have to figure this out.

After a long time I spent some time on social media today. I realised that my peace of mind is paramount and that I have to conquer my mind. My overthinking and imagination are only roadblocks. Discipline is the key. That will happen only as I become wiser and clearer about life with experience.

Ta Ag wanted to meet me today but for some reason I don't want to meet him. I'll meet him some other day.

Then in the evening Si Dhi and Ga Mo came home to chant for an hour with Ma and me. I prayed wholeheartedly for myself and others knowing fully well that deep intention counts.

Till date I have never prayed for one single selfish prayer tying Arun to me. Because I know the weight of the consequences of that.

But I prayed wholeheartedly for his family and for him and for everybody in general.

And at some point I realised that my love for him carries the weight of the hatred of so many people.

And then I released him completely as I prayed from any expectation I may have held.

I can love him incommunicado secretly and silently. And that does not mean I'm marrying loneliness. In fact I'm freeing him with love and releasing him from any burden he may have felt because of me. And I'm releasing all my love for him into every being.

I think I'll go silent now.

It's only because of him that I know what truly loving someone means. I don't really believe in falling in love. What I realise from loving him is that love is respect, it is understanding, it is discipline, it is sacrifice and it is good intentions. It is the desire to see the object of your love always happy. Expectations only add burden to any relationship.

Having said that I really really want God to protect me from malice and the malintentions of men. I don't like sometimes how men talk to me and approach me and I think I should really pray for this. I really want to make good friends. I don't go out and meet anyone because I don't trust people's intentions. I've become very protective of myself.

I should chuck the shorts probably when I go down in the morning. I think I'm headed towards becoming a hermit with a digital journal as my best friend :)

Then after the chanting session I went down for a walk and here I am one poem down.

Dinner was aloo fry with Roti. 

I think I'll clean my room now. Meditate and try and get some good sleep.

I bless all beings. May all beings be absolutely happy.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am feeling:

The weight of being viewed perversely by some people.

Happy.

Awake.

Realising that some destiny is fixed but much of it is created.

Love.

10.41 pm

In the Garden of life

As I sat today whispering a prayer for you in my heart

The fog lifted in my mind and I got the clarity that I had sought;

I saw clearly that I had paid a price quite hefty

For allowing you to run amok in my soul

And that in my fortunes had created a great gaping hole

Because just loving you has caused so many weapons of hate

To rain down fast and hard on me as I was unaware

Prancing about oh so freely!

And then I joined my hands and bowed to the vast ocean of life

Vanquishing all the hatred with love-filled dynamites!

I sense you are somewhere seeking refuge

Under the Tree of Wisdom and good intentions

A little alone and seeking happiness

Guided towards the hour that is golden;

You are proud of your castle,

You are proud of your own,

But the foundations have cracked

All the way to hell and down.

I see with my vision, I see with my mind

That happiness built on falsities

Can never in the heart deeply reside.

And I release us of the suffering,

I go quiet in the dance of life,

Handing out gifts of love and benediction

With the choicest blessings for your life.

And then hits that bomb,

That dastardly feat of chance

Crumbling towers and homes

Down to the ground.

And whilst this is happening

I am a free bird,

Unaware of what has hit my dear friend,

Chanting songs of hope.

What I mean to intend,

What I really mean to say,

Is that I am that friend

By night and by day

Who will rebuild the castle for you

Brick by brick laying the mortar of Truth,

So that you may sleep deep and full

Released from the push and pull

Of life's undulating trajectory,

Bliss blessing you profound,

And knowing that my intentions are sound.

The clock has ticked an hour

And we have entered the eternal golden time

As you step into the Garden of life

And there if you really pause

And you really try to see

I am waiting to tell you

You are the charmed prophecy.

With not one selfish prayer for you

I dedicate my words so far

With no mean sacrifice, no complaints

To that night at the bar.

Journal 23.7.2025 10.28 pm I've come to a few realizations of my life

Dear Journal,

I made videos of my channel till 4 am in the morning last night and I woke up at 9.30. I had a sluggish start to the day because I hadn't slept enough.

A few of my friends sent me feedback on my videos which is much appreciated. After a lot of trepidation I sent Arun a Leo video later in the day. The views are low but it will get better with time as long as I'm regular and put up quality content. He replied that he was working. He has become so sweet to me these days. I really love him. He is the love of my life.

I shot videos after lunch again till into the evening and then I relaxed with my phone.

Bapi Kaku and his wife came home for dinner but I was in my room meditating, reflecting, chanting and basically relaxing.

Ma sent in some fish fingers and tea as I was working which was much appreciated.

Ra Ti called me up and said that he's throwing a party this evening and I have to come. I declined making up some excuse and he became very persuasive but I stuck to my No and my excuse. I'm so happy I didn't go for the party.

Ta Ag messaged me inviting me to a film screening but I know he wants to date me and I'm not interested in him or any man and I told him I'll meet him for a walk some other day and got out of it.

Then later in the evening my Tarot client Av Go called for a reading. So I ate my dinner, took a walk and did the reading. That's my day in a nutshell. I had chicken with Roti and onions for dinner.

I sent Arun a joke late in the evening with a comment kind of pointing fingers at him but that was not my intention. So that's my day and now about what's on my mind.

Firstly, I love Arun. He is completely forgiven for any time so far when he may have hurt me or disrespected me or abandoned me in the ways that made me lose trust in him.

Today I realised that I really don't want a relationship other than friendship with any man probably for the rest of my life. I don't want to have sex. I want to be celibate with the privilege of hugging Arun as long as I can.

If a man is loyal to you he will give you all his attention but he will want to have a lot of sex with you which I don't like.

And if a man gives you the purity of his love and his heart and gives you the respect a good girl really craves for he's probably f*ing around somewhere else behind your back. I don't know. May be I'm wrong.

I don't want a man as my boyfriend anymore. I don't want to get married. I want to be self-reliant and independent and spoil Arun picking up tabs, getting him drunk and then hugging him to my heart's content. I want to spoil spoil all the people I love.

That's a desire I have and I don't know if life will grant me my wish.

All my older female friends who are single and independent in the world's eyes like Vaishali and Shibani mashi tell me that they do have partners who they are not married to, secret partners away from the world's eyes.

I don't know if I need that kind of a partner.

Today I felt that I really really want to be single all my life with lots of friends and I don't want that to depress me or make me sad ever.

And I want Arun in my life forever.

I smoke cigarettes publicly and walk around in hot pants and the world must judge me so much as someone with loose morals. But I think I'm the opposite of that.

I'm feeling so brokenhearted right now for some reason.

If there was anyone I would have wanted to marry it would have been A but his dil is so awara na jaane kis pe ayega.

Well, that is what I thought today. I really should let Arun be and not chew his brains.

It seems like he wants space from me. Today with all these thoughts I kind of let him and all men go romantically from my psyche.

Truth is I love him more than I could love any man. But what is is.

I am feeling:

Awake

Clear

Purposeful

Ambitious 

Sad and happy at the same time

Evaluating my intentions

Loving

Loved

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Today I've quit pining for anybody.

But there's a huge chunk of my soul for A.

Love,

Me.

11.02 pm

Journal 22.7.2025 7.10 pm learnings

Dear Journal,

Yesterday were the first two shows of Beshaur. I was well accepted. Strangers walked up to me as always and adulated me. My entire family was there except Melon and Kat :), a few friends came but Melon, Kat and Arun were missing from the show. I realised that I can't really expect anything from Arun. He has taught me to keep my expectations really low. The music of the play received applause and we were all praised. I was a little depressed at first that A wasn't there but then I decided to look ahead.

We ended the night with Biryani that was oh so yum.

Many many memorable things happened during the show like Arjun getting locked up in the toilet and Pri demanding an entire green room to herself with Hi's blood boiling and me playing pacifier. I was hungry,  I was tired and I was excited.

When the final photograph of the group was clicked I had a massive deja vu from a dream many months ago even before the rehearsals of the play. I missed Arun in the moment a lot. But when I had that deja reve moment I let it go realising that in my dream I had already conceptualised that Arun wouldn't be there. It is as it is.

Today I woke up really late, after 10 o clock. I went to meet N and she said she would be away for a month. She seems to be struggling a lot and my heart goes out to her. She said that I don't know what I mean to her and that she thinks a lot about me. Really?

I came back home late amidst a downpour and just relaxed with YouTube and soon as expected I received a call from Ku Va asking me to join him and Ra Ti at the rehearsal space for coffee.

I went there and beautiful old music was playing. We had two samosas each and ghuta hua coffee by Ku Va. There was a certain gentleman from Allahbad there.

We spoke a lot and Ra Ti discussed his web series with me. He told me something very important, something I will carry with me forever. He said that I should not bask in the praise and the adulation and I should focus on the future. That really echoed. If we keep focusing on all the praise we receive we get stuck in the highs unable to move and unable to take hardworking low-feeling strides towards the future. That is something I needed to hear.

I just came back from the rehearsal space and Ra Ti messaged asking me if I'd like to take a walk because he wants to discuss something with me. I told him I will but only for a bit because I really want to work on my Tarot channel. I do. And I also don't want to spend so much time with him. I don't know why.

In other news I sent Arun a clip from yesterday's show. He said that I'm a good actress. That actually made my day.

There is a great distance between us and it seems like he's comfortably friendzoned me and I have done so much to my chagrin.

Ra Ti told me that he's taking Beshaur to Prithvi. Now that should be fun!

Now I just wish this rain would stop so that I could finish meeting Ra Ti and work on my Tarot readings.

I am feeling very very good today.

I am so grateful that Arun appreciated me today. His appreciation means a lot to me because I know he'll always come from a place of truth. I share everything with him-- the good, the mediocre and the ugly because I feel so comfortable with him. I know he judges me for that.

I am grateful for N. She is wonderful.

I am grateful for my wonderful family.

I am grateful for the samosas and coffee I had today.

I am grateful for my Tarot cards.

I am grateful for people who love me.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for the yummy fish Muro I had this afternoon.

After a long time today I'm feeling positive. I feel like the person I was in the newsroom who accomplished a lot of things. Lots of old me is coming alive within.

I am grateful for this blessed wonderful life.

Karma is what it is. As you sow so shall you reap. I'm feeling too awake to meditate but meditate I will.

Love,

Me.

7.50 pm

Journal 20.7.2025 6.51 pm trying to be happy

Dear Journal,

Today Gun wore a very very sad look on his face. It literally broke my heart to see him so sad.

I clicked a lot of pics in my saree.

It's difficult to bridge the gap between being realistic and between being happy even though I don't ever want to be so sad as Arun's lack of presence has made me. I have the right to be happy.

Things that make me happy:

Spending time with and talking to people I love.

Arun made me very happy.

An understanding friend.

Reading.

Writing.

Creating works of art.

Acting.

Tarot.

Spending time with children.

Loving.

Being loved.

Yoga.

Praying.

Praying for others.

Meeting people who share their life stories with me.

Going for long walks.

Spending time in nature.

Work. (I loved being a journalist but I had no life outside the newsroom.)

Making money.

Spoiling the people I love with gifts and taking them out. (I used to do that a lot.)

Smoking (but that I should quit)

Clicking a selfie and thinking I look pretty.

Good food. (Chicken tandoori and momos)

Reading and writing poetry.

Smelling my mother (smelling Arun).

Clothes (all kinds)

My journal.

Being read and appreciated.

Good books.

Appreciated.

Toiling at something I love (like writing and painting).

Having good health.

Dressing up sometimes.

Cooking and feeding people.

Jewellery.

Making money and having money.

Having supportive people around me.

I think I am gossiped about a lot. I get that feeling that people discuss me a lot when I'm not present.

I see people being very sad living the life they don't like or being forced to do something they don't love. I understand their problems. I am the last person to blow my own trumpet. I don't think I've ever done that.

Most relationships are transactional. A pretty girl is expected to give some things, a wealthy man's friends expect things and he expects things in return, a talented person has these pros and cons in relationships... people live around expectations.

To be loved unconditionally and selflessly is rare. It's only my mom, dad and brother who love me that way. Everybody else expects things from me. I don't think after them I'll ever be loved unconditionally and selflessly. Even though it didn't seem that way I did give Arun that kind of love. Well...

If I ever find someone who loves me selflessly and unconditionally may I keep that person and not lose that person to my ego or selfishness. Because such love is often taken for granted. But it's rare.

Which makes me feel that I should not fight with my family. They show in so many ways that they really love me.

And I should not bask in the subjective affections and adulations of others in my life because those interactions will change because majority of the people don't love me selflessly and unconditionally. A case in point is Arun-- he left me just like that but I know he has a soft corner for me but like he always said he also had a lot of expectations and that was burdensome for me to even hear that. Was I a fool to love him the way I did? Even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and I don't want to feel so sad.

I want to feel that he deserved my love; he did-- I couldn't resist his cute personality and he was also very loving and affectionate so it was easy.

Anyway my scene is coming up now.

I am feeling:

Pained to see Gun sad.

Harassed by the attention I get from men when I don't want it.

My specs have been trampled on today and I'm feeling irritated.

I'm feeling like I'm not breathing deeply.

I am grateful that I wrote this post.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.30 pm

Journal 20.7.2025 6.51 pm trying to be happy

Dear Journal,

Today Gun wore a very very sad look on his face. It literally broke my heart to see him so sad.

I clicked a lot of pics in my saree.

It's difficult to bridge the gap between being realistic and between being happy even though I don't ever want to be so sad as Arun's lack of presence has made me. I have the right to be happy.

Things that make me happy:

Spending time with and talking to people I love.

Arun made me very happy.

An understanding friend.

Reading.

Writing.

Creating works of art.

Acting.

Tarot.

Spending time with children.

Loving.

Being loved.

Yoga.

Praying.

Praying for others.

Meeting people who share their life stories with me.

Going for long walks.

Spending time in nature.

Work. (I loved being a journalist but I had no life outside the newsroom.)

Making money.

Spoiling the people I love with gifts and taking them out. (I used to do that a lot.)

Smoking (but that I should quit)

Clicking a selfie and thinking I look pretty.

Good food. (Chicken tandoori and momos)

Reading and writing poetry.

Smelling my mother (smelling Arun).

Clothes (all kinds)

My journal.

Being read and appreciated.

Good books.

Appreciated.

Toiling at something I love (like writing and painting).

Having good health.

Dressing up sometimes.

Cooking and feeding people.

Jewellery.

Making money and having money.

Having supportive people around me.

I think I am gossiped about a lot. I get that feeling that people discuss me a lot when I'm not present.

I see people being very sad living the life they don't like or being forced to do something they don't love. I understand their problems. I am the last person to blow my own trumpet. I don't think I've ever done that.

Most relationships are transactional. A pretty girl is expected to give some things, a wealthy man's friends expect things and he expects things in return, a talented person has these pros and cons in relationships... people live around expectations.

To be loved unconditionally and selflessly is rare. It's only my mom, dad and brother who love me that way. Everybody else expects things from me. I don't think after them I'll ever be loved unconditionally and selflessly. Even though it didn't seem that way I did give Arun that kind of love. Well...

If I ever find someone who loves me selflessly and unconditionally may I keep that person and not lose that person to my ego or selfishness. Because such love is often taken for granted. But it's rare.

Which makes me feel that I should not fight with my family. They show in so many ways that they really love me.

And I should not bask in the subjective affections and adulations of others in my life because those interactions will change because majority of the people don't love me selflessly and unconditionally. A case in point is Arun-- he left me just like that but I know he has a soft corner for me but like he always said he also had a lot of expectations and that was burdensome for me to even hear that. Was I a fool to love him the way I did? Even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and I don't want to feel so sad.

I want to feel that he deserved my love; he did-- I couldn't resist his cute personality and he was also very loving and affectionate so it was easy.

Anyway my scene is coming up now.

I am feeling:

Pained to see Gun sad.

Harassed by the attention I get from men when I don't want it.

My specs have been trampled on today and I'm feeling irritated.

I'm feeling like I'm not breathing deeply.

I am grateful that I wrote this post.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.30 pm

Journal 20.7.2025 12.14 pm overthinking

Dear Journal,

I have been thinking about Arun for a very long time now. He somehow is constantly on my mind. I miss the constancy of his love that I have experienced before. I miss his calls. I miss his care and his affection. I keep wanting to make love to him and in a nutshell I miss him. 

I know that the past can never be brought back. I keep wanting to hear his beautiful sonorous voice. I must have fallen madly in love with him that day when he wore his reading glasses and I gazed at his eyes.

He's not a fool. He is smart. And I wonder what runs through his mind these days as far as I'm concerned.

My feet are a mess.

Today I attended half the wd meeting. Bhav's experience brought tears to my eyes. It's only in my sangha that I get to hear about people's lives and problems. And even though I don't chant regularly I love the connections I've made here.

Ma really killed it with her dance today! I simply love my mother. She is so cute. I want to make her super proud of me.

I know that whenever I overthink something I'm missing some sad reality. And today as the meeting took off I realised that I will probably never be able to live without Arun and the reality of it all remains. His situation, the truth and my deep love and his cute face.

His sweet smile, his jokes, his stories, his dewy fragrance haunt me. He isn't giving me a lot and I'm not asking him for anything but what is it? Why do I love him so deeply?

Must be karmic, must be a past life thing.

Shweetypie....

Yesterday Pa did the sweetest thing for me. He showed me his love and his care. He presented me with two different Tarot decks-- a black and golden dark one and a Gita deck!

I love my father. I thanked him and thanked him for believing in me. And dad said: "Don't give up."

It made me so happy.

Ma has expressed her displeasure at me reading Tarot and I also always felt that Arun wasn't very proud of it either. It's an off-beat profession but it brings in some money while I'm navigating other creative pursuits.

Pa's gesture spoke more than anything he would have ever said. Pa also told me that my rates are too high and that I could consider discounting it. My dad always really knows what I need. I love love love my father.

This is what I needed-- for someone whose opinion matters to show me that they believe in me.

Today rehearsals are in half an hour. That's too early. I haven't had the time to give myself that much-needed pedicure or shampoo my hair and I don't think I've cared for myself at all through these rehearsals. I've carried myself around like a typical jhalli.

Anyhow, my greatest hope for today is to be able to focus on things that matter and to kind of make peace with the fact that Arun is only my friend. I hope to be happy today. I hope to have peace of mind today.

I am feeling:

Deep love

Nostalgic

Happy

Touched by all the wds especially my mom

Hopeful

Eager

Determined 

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.42 pm

Journal 19.7.2025 7 pm surprised

Dear Journal,

Today in the morning I called up Arun and told him about my feelings. I just had to. He said he won't come for my play. That hurt me.

Anyway the day wore on and I intended to reach rehearsals on time but I dosed off till 5.30 when Gun called me. I was so surprised that I actually slept for such a long time.

I thought Ra Ti would be very angry with me because yesterday he was in a very angry mood.

Instead everybody was all smiles to see me and Ra Ti has actually hugged me many times so far. He was not angry at all.

I called up Tillu and Vaishali today both of whom I have intended to meet.

Life is most unpredictable. But I can't base my choices on what Arun would like or what would please Ma and Pa. My parents' happiness is the most important thing to me but my life is for me. My own happiness is paramount.

My first service is to myself.

Today Pa gifted me a very beautiful Tarot deck, a black and golden one. I thought that was so thoughtful of him.

I love my parents. I love Arun. I love my angry young man brother. I love my friends. I'm so happy Ra Ti sees good in me despite me being so cold towards him.

Life is frankly at a stalemate right now.

I have to do my yoga and chanting everyday both of which I've been ignoring.

Yesterday I chanted with ku Va and Ma discussed the philosophy with him.

I should find happiness in the small and big things. I should be proud of the small and big things I do. I should be proud of myself. I'm a good human being and there is serious potential for growth. And I have a feeling that there are many surprises lined up for me.

And for some reason this play happened. It's a blessing in disguise. It showed me that I am loveable and accepted by people.

When I joined them Ra Ti told me my level of Hindi would not work for the play. But he believed in me and gave me a chance and he is so fond of me. I don't know why. I shouldn't be so negative. This play is good. Ra Ti is also good and I should be friends with him. You should be friends with someone who shows they love and care and not reject them. Because love and care and true friendship is hard to find. And you never know. You never know how friendship develops. You never know who will respond to your heart, who will recognise your value, who will see your worth.

I didn't intend to put any pressure on Arun today. I love him all the same. And frankly, there are no expectations from him.

I even sent him a poem. I don't know how he feels.

I should write my novel and not think about the outcome. It will all be good. I have to write it.

I should care about myself. I should love myself more than I love anybody else.

I think this calls for a letter. Writing a love letter to myself makes me feel really good.

I am feeling:

So calm I'm surprised. 

Happy, very happy to be accepted by my new friends.

I am feeling like I must have a good personality because people are warmed by my presence. I've had such good moments during these rehearsals. I've made a great friend in Hi.

Today I feel very hopeful. Not because I see light at the end of the tunnel or because I feel something will happen but I needed someone to believe in me and in this play I found acceptance and such love. It's heartening.

Now I have a scene coming up. Will stop writing.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.42 pm

Ps: Raa just told me: "Is group mein aisa koi nahin hoga Jo aapko pasand nahin karta hoga. Aap is group mein sabse pyaari ho." He is so sweet.

8.27 pm

My wish

It's a wet wet morning,

It's a rainy Monsoon day,

It's magical, It's ethereal

All by God's way.

On this day when you are so distant

Your fragrance haunts my nose

And I wish I could glimpse into the future

And tell you right at go I chose you over those.

I don't know what the Divine plan is

But I'm sure you are destiny

And I think I'll just rest my mind today

And hold your image in my mind with ease.

You are the most special thing that to me ever happened,

And you really warm my heart

And who are you sharing your raucous laughter with, 

Where do you go these days so charming and smart?

Ten years from now I see you and me

On another rainy Monsoon day

Sharing a plateful of treats and sweet meats

And I think you and me would stay.

It's presumptuous to force my love on you,

Something so deep and so profound,

I want you to know you are a steady flame in my heart 

And I've come a full circle with you, I've come around.

Will you share this vision with me,

This dream I hold so close and dear

Of holding your hand and smelling you

Hence ten or twenty five years?

It won't be so rocky a road, it'll be good

I can promise you of that 

And I'll still love you then more devotedly,

More divinely and I hope that's God's plan.

The past of us is filled with memories sweet

And a few that pain my soul

But despite the few brickbats and hurts

My love for you is still whole.

This poem has come out so warbly,

It could have been better, more flowing into smooth

Just like our journey so far with each other

But life is like this poem, sometimes jarring, not always to sooth.

There might be times going forward

That would be a little disappointing

Because life's like that like I said

But even then I'll keep you close to me.

This should be old news to you

And I really hope it is,

If you didn't see it before accept it now

I intend to never lose you and that's just how it is.

And finally I have to say

Can we have a meaningful relationship

With no labels, just two companions

With me always in love head over heels?

I hope you liked this poetry,

It's not perfect just like you and me

But what's really perfect if you'd like

Are my intentions for you because you are so sweet.

You are my inspiration, these days I don't write

A single alphabet that doesn't have you,

You are my heart, you are my muse,

And always I would rather you choose.

We have flown long and hard together so far

Into the beautiful ocean of life 

And just like the steady ebb and flow of the tides

You are the constant for me I can't give up.

Frankly, I just might say that I don't know how you really feel,

The past is framed photographs in my mind

But in this moment,  in the present

Will you let me in because for me you are mine?

Just the thought of you is romance

And please let me in, give me a chance

And I promise you I intend to be true to you

Through the ups and downs of life's changing dance.

Sorry I haven't written a poem in a while

Because of this hiatus between us,

Can I hop on into your life,

Together can we catch the bus?

Thanks for being so wonderful,

Your fragrance really haunts my soul,

And I don't think I could go on you know

Without smelling you, without seeing your eyes light up full.

Thanks for reading my poem today,

I know you did and it means a lot to me, 

You are my meaning and when I met you

I stopped searching without conspiracy.

The other men don't interest me,

That's the truth and that's how it always is

And always will be my shona,

My Sweetest Heart, my longing and my wish.

Journal 19.7.2025 9.39 am Missing Arun

Dearest Journal,

I am so tired of going to rehearsals. I don't like Ra Ti at all.

And I've been missing Arun terribly. I miss being his girlfriend. I miss his care and love and affection.

I miss seeing his cute face on a regular basis. I miss our passionate kisses and I love, simply love him.

It seems like he doesn't miss me at all. I love my Arun the most. He is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Love,

Me.

9.42 am

Journal 17.7.2025 4.33 pm a decision

Dear Journal,

I have been caught in this negative loop for a very long time. Arun did tell me he has a lot of options and many times he's alluded to it being over.

At the same time we have both been affectionate and loving towards each other. I want him in my life and I don't want to hurt him and I'm scared of getting hurt. He has left me confused many times. When I asked him about it he said it's been ten months since we broke up, indicating that I should have gotten over him.

I don't think I'll ever let him go from my life. Not just because I love him romantically but also because I love talking to him. I love hearing his voice and I love seeing him smile.

I love it when I talk to him over the phone even though he never calls me these days.

I'm kind of moving out of this state of limbo into practicality. I'm still confused about what I want or if I should go out on dates because he's given me mixed signals. A huge part of me wants a connection with him for life,  some kind of companionship because he's a great guy who I truly love. I don't think I'd be able to love any other guy like that. I'm confused.

But I think he is entertaining other options. Otherwise he would definitely call or message me.

Why are relationships/friendships or whatever, human interactions, so hard. And why didn't Arun choose me? Does he not love me as a person?

I think he's a fantastic human being and I'm feeling a sense of loss. I don't know what to do.

May be because I'm a loyal kind of girl who knows that any kind of decision on my part would impact the future. I would create the cause right there. I did decide through all this very fervently that I want Arun but he seems to have closed off completely. Why is that?

That really hurt me and I ended up hurting him in return.

It doesn't seem like he values stability in relationships. And I wish he would.

I have never ever manipulated him.

Love,

Me.

4.49 pm

Journal 17.7.2025 12.29 pm feeling hurt

Dear Journal,

When someone asks me, "Do you take your medicines?" When you discuss your problems with them, or When  someone says, "You've started it again," When you express displeasure, or When someone says, "I don't love you because you are mad," or When  someone says, "Mere paas char aur ladkiyan Hai iski Tarah par Mai iske saath nahin rehta kyunki ye pagal Hai," you question your worth in people's eyes. It seems that people don't find me worthy of their love and affection.

(Shibani Mashi just called me to the hall to talk to me. She is here for lunch.) 

She is a stellar human being who has brought up three daughters single handedly. Her daughters, especially Smriti Irani, have done her proud.

I was discussing my problems with her and I told her how stuck I'm feeling. I told her about Arun. And she told me that I have to love myself. I am my own best friend. I read Tarot cards for her and will go and entertain her a bit more.

She also told me that she has a friend who she loves who is her companion. That makes me so sad. I thought Arun would be my companion. But it's doesn't seem like he wants me like that. That's a loss of a hope, a loss of a dream, something I feel deeply and something that has affected me. I really really love my Arun and I don't want to get so lost in my emotions.

He says I should find someone else indicating that he has moved on. It was so easy for him to discard me emotionally.

I think I'll just let the tides of life flow in and out and see where I'm at.

Shibani Mashi told me that she manifests everything in her life and it works and I must not lose hope. "Be hopeful." That is what she said.

Pa told me in front of her that he sees such great potential in me and that if I live out just a little bit of my potential I'll be fine. I love my father for having such faith in me despite everything.

Hmmm. I think I'll go and join her now. Lunch is ready.

Love,

Me.

1.28 pm

Journal 16.7.2025 11.11 pm Arun is a seminal part of my life

Dear Journal,

Let me just start this entry by telling you the most obvious thing. I really love Arun.

I spent a lot of time today in the morning after waking up at 10 and researching on YouTube. I went through many many Tarot channels. It seems that most successful Tarot readers are adept at weaving a story around their predictions. That is something I could pick up from these days spent going through videos.

Then I bathed, meditated and left for rehearsals. For the past one week it seemed to me that Ra Ti is a far more humane human being than I thought and I had thought I had misjudged him. But I'm very good at telling from a person's face what their character is like. More on that later.

At rehearsals I spent time with Hi and Ku Va who I've become friends with. Hi is super beautiful and Ku Va is a sweet complex boy.

Today Raa walked up to me during rehearsals and told me that I give off such positive vibes and that he really loves me. I told him that's so sweet, "Tumhein diabetes na ho Jaye." He said: "Shubh shubh bolo." He is a very good and industrious boy who I think trusts the wrong people and is struggling a lot. May he find his success and path easily. That's what I bless him with. He also writes great poetry. Although we are very different he reminds me a lot of me.

Pa Pa again made me laugh a lot during rehearsals. It was only after rehearsals got over that we realised it's his birthday today and the group was abuzz with wishes.

He's another stellar charactered boy. Very hardworking. Will go very far in life.

But out of all these boys Arun is the best character because his face is the sweetest. His flared nostrils give him such character. They say that he has owned and faced each experience in his life deeply and his nose is the best space to leave him a light poochie as he calls it.

Rehearsals got over early because Hi left early. And invariably Ra Ti said he wanted to go for a drink. I said no but somehow half an hour later I found myself on his bike with one beer in my hand sitting at the beach. I think he coerced me into it and it was because of this new lens I was seeing him with.

We were discussing career. And then somehow because I got high I got talking. And I realised that my first impression of Ra Ti was right. He is a very small minded, selfish,  mean man who for some reason is very fond of me. He would take undue advantage of anyone. He paints himself as a seedha sada village boy but he would take anybody's fayda. He reminds me so much of Shy Kis and of course I loathe Shy Kis.

Today I felt that may be he has some ulterior motive with me.

I told him today that I don't really like him. May be I shouldn't have but I'm excruciatingly diplomatic and I don't think he got the point.

Anyhow his daughter called and I told him we should leave and I got home.

I think out of all these people Arun would like Pa Pa, and Raa and he would say Raa looks poor. I don't like this about Arun, how he distinguishes between the Haves and Have Nots. He would definitely hit on Hi because she is super beautiful.

(Pa just demeaningly scolded me for not yet eating my dinner.)

I thought a lot about Arun today. I thought about his many women and how he is emotionally invested in so many women and how he has a weakness for beauty. He has his own lens of judgment. I don't think I would ever be more special to him than his ex Candy, or his wife with whom I think he doesn't always see eye to eye. I really love his daughter who he can't live without.

I thought about how he has distanced himself from me saying that he doesn't want to hurt me and that hurts even more.

Firstly, I don't think I'd ever be able to forget him. But secondly, I also know I'm not as special to him as he is to me. I know for a fact that he must have philandered around with other women when we were together. He doesn't want to commit to me. And in a way he's moved on very easily.

When he told me that it's been ten months since we broke up, indicating that I should be over him by now it really really hurt me. How can I get over someone who I love so deeply?

I don't think I'll ever get over him.

And he doesn't even read my messages! That I so thoughtfully pen for him! That hurt me so deeply.

I'd had a great heartbreak with G but he was easy to get over. But Arun, Arun is the love of my life and the heartbreak of my life. An experience I'm not likely to get over easily, something no one seems to understand.

If Arun were to just take off and never talk to me ever I'd be shattered, completely shattered. I'm so emotional about him! Because I see such a beauty in him, in his kind eyes and his soulfulness. I must be mad. And I must have been madly in love with him.

Anyway I'll stop here. Dearest Journal I love you which means I love me.

I think I need to get a grip on myself. I need to somehow sort out my head. With all Arun's weaknesses and flaws I could never ever hate him. I somehow without realising it gave him my whole heart completely. I'm such a fool! And so impractical!

I don't want to be completely negative and I don't want to entertain fantasies. Realistically I don't think I'd love again. I don't know. I feel like I've hit rock bottom in my life and I don't know the way forward. I don't know how to get out of this mess. I don't know what to do with myself.

Pa has become so negative these days. May be he thinks I'm being selfish. I should pay more attention to his needs. I really really love my father.

I am feeling:

Pissed off with Ra Ti.

Sad.

Emotional.

Happy at the same time.

Feel that I urgently need to address my parent's woes.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.04 am (17.7.2025) I think it's Ash Ma's birthday today but she doesn't talk to me anymore and I don't have her number.

May I sleep well tonight.

Ps: An afterthought: It's a man's world. For a woman to make forays in this world she has to rely on men. And if a girl is even remotely beautiful men start chasing her. I find that very troubling in my life not knowing which man will not have an ulterior motive and not take advantage of me and still support me as a friend. Guys are chutiyas. They all want to date you... whether they are single or not... I don't know.... that's how I'm feeling. Being a woman, a single 40 year old woman, I know how bad men can be to women and how objectifying. Are there any decent men out there like my dad? This makes me respect Arun for the love and respect he has showered on me but it also makes me doubt his choices and how he views women... so superficially... but I know one thing he will always respect me despite being demeaning sometimes... that's why I want him in my life... I think he'd make a great friend.... sweet man that he is.

12.31 am