Jung said that a very beautiful woman and a very wealthy man both make dangerous friends. And he was right. I simply love Jung. And I also simply love my family and Arun.
Today Shi Ba choreographed a dance for me, Ma and Debo for our next wd meeting in the morning. The choreography is too difficult for me. And I called up A in the middle of the meeting to wish his daughter a happy birthday. He said he was out.
I should really read through his silences. He doesn't call and he doesn't message which means I really am just his friend, a friend who loves him. And when he says he has many other women I must not get hurt. Today I accepted that I've lost that space in his life. I'm just another friend to him.
And I know I've hurt him with my messages. He really has no need for my messages at this stage of our friendship and I must not be so needy.
I know some day the hurt will fester and he will backlash with harsh observations and words of his own because such are human relationships. That day I must not react. That day I must realise that I sowed the seeds two nights ago with my messages.
The morning was spent in overthinking and ruminations and I really meditated at some point to get my peace of mind back.
Sometimes when things are going well between two people we hide all our grievances and enjoy the fun moments but when the going gets tough all our grievances and harsh observations come out as unpalatable words.
And plus I think I'm a little too sensitive.
I did not chant today but I will chant now.
Today so many people shared their problems with me. I prayed a little bit when I reached rehearsals and I meditated with Ku Va. Ku Va opened up about his issues with girls and sex calling himself very lustful and painted a picture of himself as a womaniser. I understand. He was sharing his struggles.
Then in the middle of the scenes Raa started philosophising life to me.
Ni Ta today said he really wants to talk to me about his problems and will meet me tomorrow. He was supposed to meet me today.
And Hi opened up about her relationship breakdown with her boyfriend. And I understand. I understand completely.
Sa Li left many missed calls on my phone today. I know he wants to discuss his girlfriend with me but I just didn't have the time.
I put out fires everywhere but my own life is such a mess.
Today Ra Ti told me in front of everybody that he wants to work with me. I asked him if he will pay me. He said, yes, but on a project to project basis and that he would make me work really hard. I must not judge him. I have so many flaws of my own. And he is really fond of me. When I talk to Hi and Ku Va who he used to drop home I realise that he only tries to spend time with me and not with them. He has a soft corner for me and that has nothing to do with me. It's his perception, his sense of judgment.
I also played a lot with Arjun today during rehearsals and Arjun gave me a huge kiss on my cheek. I am blessed.
Today as the day wore on and I really willed myself to get my peace of mind back I reflected that one must not just depend on ones good qualities but look inward at ones flaws. I have plenty plenty of flaws.
Jung says that unless one makes the unconscious conscious one may not achieve anything. His whole legacy in psychology of shadow work stems from facing all the dark aspects of our personality. And today, especially as the very very beautiful Hi was sharing her problems with me I looked inward at my own flaws.
And I want to list them now.
My Shadow:
I am too sensitive.
I am a harsh judge of character.
I talk too much and say too many things when I feel insecure, hurt and cornered and I must not send Arun so many messages.
I don't take care of myself at all.
In the past few years I realise that I have issues with dependency.
I am a procrastinator.
I am too much of a perfectionist.
I expect too much out of the people I love.
Sometimes I talk too much.
Sometimes I am too kind to a flaw.
I don't take care of myself.
When I get angry I say harsh things. And then I also apologise sometimes too much.
Sometimes I smother the people I love with my affections.
I tend too overthink and overimagine when the going gets tough.
I have low self esteem.
And I love Arun. I really hope he comes for my play. Forgiveness is too much to ask of him and I know he will react. But I love my Arun. I really do. I have so many guy friends and I meet so many men in my day to day life but somehow my heart loves him. But he will never be mine. I must accept that too and not make things difficult for him.
I should not send him messages. And I must accept the fact that he doesn't really want to commit and he doesn't really want me that way in his life. I hope he wants me in some way. I must accept the fact that he is polyamorous, a guy who loves many women at the same time and doesn't create boundaries there. It's a difficult aspect of his personality but that is how he is.
Confucius said, "Nine thoughts to one word." I must think before I speak.
And I must be nice to Ra Ti. Not everybody you meet will like you because usually people's minds tend to criticise more than appreciate. So Ra Ti being nice to me means that he sees something in me.
Anyway I'll stop this journal entry now.
I am feeling:
Sorry
Apologetic
Determined
I need to change my prayers. The old prayers need tweaking. And I must not view Ra Ti so negatively. I won't call up Arun. May be before the play once. I hope he comes. And I hope I haven't hurt him too much. I also had my periods.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
Love is all I really have to give.
11.19 pm
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