I made videos of my channel till 4 am in the morning last night and I woke up at 9.30. I had a sluggish start to the day because I hadn't slept enough.
A few of my friends sent me feedback on my videos which is much appreciated. After a lot of trepidation I sent Arun a Leo video later in the day. The views are low but it will get better with time as long as I'm regular and put up quality content. He replied that he was working. He has become so sweet to me these days. I really love him. He is the love of my life.
I shot videos after lunch again till into the evening and then I relaxed with my phone.
Bapi Kaku and his wife came home for dinner but I was in my room meditating, reflecting, chanting and basically relaxing.
Ma sent in some fish fingers and tea as I was working which was much appreciated.
Ra Ti called me up and said that he's throwing a party this evening and I have to come. I declined making up some excuse and he became very persuasive but I stuck to my No and my excuse. I'm so happy I didn't go for the party.
Ta Ag messaged me inviting me to a film screening but I know he wants to date me and I'm not interested in him or any man and I told him I'll meet him for a walk some other day and got out of it.
Then later in the evening my Tarot client Av Go called for a reading. So I ate my dinner, took a walk and did the reading. That's my day in a nutshell. I had chicken with Roti and onions for dinner.
I sent Arun a joke late in the evening with a comment kind of pointing fingers at him but that was not my intention. So that's my day and now about what's on my mind.
Firstly, I love Arun. He is completely forgiven for any time so far when he may have hurt me or disrespected me or abandoned me in the ways that made me lose trust in him.
Today I realised that I really don't want a relationship other than friendship with any man probably for the rest of my life. I don't want to have sex. I want to be celibate with the privilege of hugging Arun as long as I can.
If a man is loyal to you he will give you all his attention but he will want to have a lot of sex with you which I don't like.
And if a man gives you the purity of his love and his heart and gives you the respect a good girl really craves for he's probably f*ing around somewhere else behind your back. I don't know. May be I'm wrong.
I don't want a man as my boyfriend anymore. I don't want to get married. I want to be self-reliant and independent and spoil Arun picking up tabs, getting him drunk and then hugging him to my heart's content. I want to spoil spoil all the people I love.
That's a desire I have and I don't know if life will grant me my wish.
All my older female friends who are single and independent in the world's eyes like Vaishali and Shibani mashi tell me that they do have partners who they are not married to, secret partners away from the world's eyes.
I don't know if I need that kind of a partner.
Today I felt that I really really want to be single all my life with lots of friends and I don't want that to depress me or make me sad ever.
And I want Arun in my life forever.
I smoke cigarettes publicly and walk around in hot pants and the world must judge me so much as someone with loose morals. But I think I'm the opposite of that.
I'm feeling so brokenhearted right now for some reason.
If there was anyone I would have wanted to marry it would have been A but his dil is so awara na jaane kis pe ayega.
Well, that is what I thought today. I really should let Arun be and not chew his brains.
It seems like he wants space from me. Today with all these thoughts I kind of let him and all men go romantically from my psyche.
Truth is I love him more than I could love any man. But what is is.
I am feeling:
Awake
Clear
Purposeful
Ambitious
Sad and happy at the same time
Evaluating my intentions
Loving
Loved
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
Today I've quit pining for anybody.
But there's a huge chunk of my soul for A.
Love,
Me.
11.02 pm
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