Pa has dislocated his thumb. I am so pained to see him in pain. I really really love my father and his stoic silence against his pain brings tears to my eyes.
I am living a solitary life. I don't know what I would have done without my parents.
I woke up today pretty early. When I checked the time it was 5.55. I did my pranayam, meditation, yoga, chanting, the whole rhythm was perfect.
Then I shot a few videos for my channel. I made a few mistakes and views are increasing slowly. I need to work on the volume and like Arun told me (from what I understood over a cracked phone line) I adjusted the camera.
Then Ap came home. She really has sex appeal. She's really got the oomph and reminds me so much of Eshna.
Me and Ap studied blessings in Buddhism from A Cluster of Blessings and chanted for half an hour. I guided her a little because she's been reeling under anxiety but I don't know if I got through. I told her how important it is to bless others in our prayers.
She told me that she's been paralysed by irrational fears. OK, that was that.
Then I had tea made by Du Ma, ate a humble lunch and shot two more videos.
Then Ma and I went to Eternal Ganges. I bought Ma TWFCHAP Part 3 because Ma said she has the first two volumes.
I have to gather finances to pay A back. That is always looming on my mind.
The book was a gift for Ma's birthday. Then I got back home alone.
The Eternal Ganges shop has come closer to home.
I finished shooting all the remaining videos for the day and Ra Ti messaged. I somehow decided to go meet him.
He is a slightly selfish sort of man, mean-hearted, irrationally judgmental and hanging out with him really affects my mood. Raa and Gun were also there and we had samosas and coffee.
One thing about Ra Ti is that he takes his work very seriously and he holds love as an ideal. That makes him tolerable. But today from all his talk I gathered what I'd presumed, that to get ahead he could utilise anyone and take advantage of anyone. All the talk about love from him is all humbug when you can sense that about him.
His character shows on his face. Of course he is a fantastic director and a great actor.
After meeting him I realised how important it is to cultivate humility and a good heart.
I also realised that I give off my energy to too many people. I should stay silent apropos Vipassana.
Ra Ti also said a lot of nasty things about Hi. And she's told me her side of the story. So I stayed silent. Not too many people have read so much psychology and philosophy like I have and I've decided to kind of not go around doling out so much gyaan.
Another realisation that I've held for a very long time is that the things that we are most proud of create the maximum obstacles for us and can also lead to our downfall. Moderation. Moderation. Moderation in everything.
Like Dimma had once told me: "Do everything but in moderation and do it with dignity."
When I was dating Arun I thought a lot about these words of wisdom from my grandmother-- dignity at all cost.
Then I came home and I got a call for an audition. I quickly shot the video and sent it and then Abhi Kaku, Chun and Sud kakima came home for dinner unannounced.
The conversation at all family gatherings these days quickly touches old age, health and death. And that makes me very sad. When my father discusses his death with me.
It breaks my heart.
I know Arun has moved on. He doesn't call me anymore. A huge chunk of my heart still loves him but I've learnt to let go, to not obsess and to honour the friendship we have.
Today as I was thinking about him I thought about how he so looks like a cute bunny rabbit. Hmm.
I just took away from the party in the hall to update my journal.
I think I'll pray before I go outside and out of the things I pray for myself I'll add cultivating a humble good heart.
May I never get overarching so proud of myself that I get mean. I do have a tendency to be mean and judgmental because I think I'm oh so intelligent.
I am feeling:
A slight backache
Reflective
Determined
Willing to go the whole hog
Sentimental
A little sad, a little happy
Hopeful
I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for my friends. I am grateful for all my experiences-- good and bad. I am grateful for my parent's lives, for my brother's life, for Arun's blessed life and I am grateful for hope and all my blessings.
I am grateful that when God made me God added his own special Doel touch :) I am a unique specimen as are we all.
Love,
Me.
9.56 pm
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