Today Gun wore a very very sad look on his face. It literally broke my heart to see him so sad.
I clicked a lot of pics in my saree.
It's difficult to bridge the gap between being realistic and between being happy even though I don't ever want to be so sad as Arun's lack of presence has made me. I have the right to be happy.
Things that make me happy:
Spending time with and talking to people I love.
Arun made me very happy.
An understanding friend.
Reading.
Writing.
Creating works of art.
Acting.
Tarot.
Spending time with children.
Loving.
Being loved.
Yoga.
Praying.
Praying for others.
Meeting people who share their life stories with me.
Going for long walks.
Spending time in nature.
Work. (I loved being a journalist but I had no life outside the newsroom.)
Making money.
Spoiling the people I love with gifts and taking them out. (I used to do that a lot.)
Smoking (but that I should quit)
Clicking a selfie and thinking I look pretty.
Good food. (Chicken tandoori and momos)
Reading and writing poetry.
Smelling my mother (smelling Arun).
Clothes (all kinds)
My journal.
Being read and appreciated.
Good books.
Appreciated.
Toiling at something I love (like writing and painting).
Having good health.
Dressing up sometimes.
Cooking and feeding people.
Jewellery.
Making money and having money.
Having supportive people around me.
I think I am gossiped about a lot. I get that feeling that people discuss me a lot when I'm not present.
I see people being very sad living the life they don't like or being forced to do something they don't love. I understand their problems. I am the last person to blow my own trumpet. I don't think I've ever done that.
Most relationships are transactional. A pretty girl is expected to give some things, a wealthy man's friends expect things and he expects things in return, a talented person has these pros and cons in relationships... people live around expectations.
To be loved unconditionally and selflessly is rare. It's only my mom, dad and brother who love me that way. Everybody else expects things from me. I don't think after them I'll ever be loved unconditionally and selflessly. Even though it didn't seem that way I did give Arun that kind of love. Well...
If I ever find someone who loves me selflessly and unconditionally may I keep that person and not lose that person to my ego or selfishness. Because such love is often taken for granted. But it's rare.
Which makes me feel that I should not fight with my family. They show in so many ways that they really love me.
And I should not bask in the subjective affections and adulations of others in my life because those interactions will change because majority of the people don't love me selflessly and unconditionally. A case in point is Arun-- he left me just like that but I know he has a soft corner for me but like he always said he also had a lot of expectations and that was burdensome for me to even hear that. Was I a fool to love him the way I did? Even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and I don't want to feel so sad.
I want to feel that he deserved my love; he did-- I couldn't resist his cute personality and he was also very loving and affectionate so it was easy.
Anyway my scene is coming up now.
I am feeling:
Pained to see Gun sad.
Harassed by the attention I get from men when I don't want it.
My specs have been trampled on today and I'm feeling irritated.
I'm feeling like I'm not breathing deeply.
I am grateful that I wrote this post.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
7.30 pm
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