Firstly, I am sorry that I stopped praying when you took your last breath. I truly think you are a great writer and a worthy recipient of the Nobel Prize. I feel that sometimes you wavered from the absolute Truth to show people the lofty ideal of a state of absolute happiness. The kind of Truth that doesn't just skim past the problems of life in a surface level way. May be I'm just an uber sensitive soul to say that, someone who feels too deeply.
Also, your call for kosen Rufu, a pledge to make all beings happy, is sometimes too lofty and almost seems like bandaid to wounds. The real deal Sensei is awakening to our Buddha nature and seeing the Buddha nature in all and causing them to aspire to the Boddhisattva way. I seem to be in that state of mind. Of course, my dearest mentor you would tell me I'm a little off my path. But that is how I see it.
Secondly, I have a lofty vision for my life and a great mission I must accomplish but when I see my mother and other members deriding other people I feel discouraged from my practice. Then I tell myself that they too have the Buddha nature and will learn. I know that to be able to naturally venerate the life in front of you is what will lead to happiness.
You know Sensei, I faltered around the time you passed away. And I wish I had met you in person at least once in my life. I stopped caring for my life and my career spending all my free time meeting and thinking about someone I fell deeply in love with. He is married with children and yet, my heart went against all reason.
At some point before you died I started chanting again. I prayed wholeheartedly for his spouse and his children and him to live lives of indestructible happiness and joy and it was then that he left me. It was like my life answering my prayers, telling me that what I was doing was wrong and stopping me from continuing down that road.
I was broken, distraught and very sad and I wasn't really able to appreciate your life in your passing around that time because that is when the great break-up happened.
I never thought I would ever fall in love with a married man and frankly Sensei I never loved or love anyone so deeply and truly, and I feel that may be he led me on.
What would you say my sweetest, dearest mentor to this?
I think you would tell me to continue to pray for him and his family, and to broaden my view of my life and deepen my vow towards my goals and be committed to my own happiness and immerse myself in Kosen Rufu. That is what I'm trying to do my dearest of mentors.
I'm trying hard. And like my impossiblest of impossible prayers have been answered before I know I will achieve that state of indestructible joy I so wish for others and live the magic of this mystical life again.
How do I make reason or peace of the fact that I still love him so deeply my dearest mentor?
Frankly, I spent many hours with him when I met him those days you know Sensei not caring about my own life and goals and dreams. And I was bound to get hurt.
I did the most despicable of things. I borrowed money from him and I'm so ashamed about it that I can't tell anyone. I'm so ashamed and so sad.
Anyway Sensei, all I want to tell you is that I'm trying. That's the first step. But trying is not enough. It's actions that speak louder than words.
I wrote you letters when you were alive and I know you prayed for my happiness. I wonder where the painting I gifted you is.
My dearest of Sensei, my noblest of mentors, I vow to dedicate my life to leading all beings to absolute happiness. I just need some clarity to kind of be happy and I need a resolution or a light to this deep love I feel for this person. We still talk. He never calls me but I call him every few days to check on him.
And frankly Sensei, I see his Buddha nature, a blazing fire like Buddha Heavenly Fever of all Beings. I always felt before I met him that I would fall in love with someone like Buddha Heavenly Fever of All Beings. Judge me all you want.
I miss you Sensei. I miss the opportunity to write you personal letters. And I feel deep regret that I actually stopped praying, and especially that you passed on during that period.
I will never waver from Buddhism and my Buddhist ideals. My life is dedicated to Shakyamuni Buddha, my true teacher. And I really want to teach my darling friend who I love so much the chant.
Sensei, I'm so sorry I let you down. I'm trying to be a better person. If you were alive I would have definitely sent you this letter. And I know you would join your hands in prayer for me.
Since circumstances don't allow it, I pray for you each day.
Thank you for your love and prayers and thank you for being the one writer among many who touched my soul the most with his sincerity.
Sensei, I'll make you proud. I'll make myself proud. I will Sensei. My heart is one with yours.
May you rest and be reborn to find Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo again in a place of good fortune and deep love.
Till we meet Sensei.
Love,
Doel.
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