I woke up after 10 today. I have to quit smoking. I did my meditation in the morning that's it.
Then I spent some time on Renaissance Tarot. It's been a while since I've done yoga.
I decided to go to See Dhi's house for the wd meeting after attending rehearsals early. So I messaged Ra Ti. He messaged back saying he is coming home.
I then called up Arun. I just wanted to talk to him. He was in a happy gay mood.
I've been thinking that Arun must have felt so hurt when I met P Kum. I didn't mean it that way. For me meeting P Kum was not a date. Those days all I did was meet Arun and nobody else and he used to socialise with his work mates. For me it was just about meeting someone else outside of Arun. But I've been feeling that he must have been so hurt.
And my delusions. And me asking for money. I really disappointed him. I love him so deeply. I don't know what to do with these feelings.
May be I'm not a good judge of people. I actually don't even like P Kum. And I absolutely adore my Arun. He is so cute and so sweet. And when he calls me baby just in passing my heart just melts.
I asked him to say something nice when we were hanging up and he said: "You are a good person. You are a beautiful person." And that really stuck.
What I would have told him is: "Your beauty is indescribable. You will always remain my sweetest heart and I love you my cutest pie."
I miss him terribly.
Then Ra Ti came home with his wife. I made a pot of coffee and we chatted. Then we went for rehearsals. Two very senior actors (famous I think because I've seen both in the movies) came for our rehearsals. I wasn't introduced to them but both their faces were familiar. One of them was in Gangs of Wasseypur.
Since I had to leave early today I took my lines with Raa because Pa Pa wasnt there and my performance was lauded by all especially by Ra Ti. Then as I was leaving Ra Ti asked me to drop by after my meeting. I didn't want to do that but I did.
The wd meeting was alright. It was the chanting that was the highlight of the meeting. We studied something but we did not discuss it. The study didn't really seep in for me.
As me and Ma were walking towards See Dhi's house I admired my mother. She has such a slender gait and my heart expanded for her.
After the meeting I came home and meditated for a bit and called Ra Ti up. He asked me to come for rehearsals.
Rehearsals were over though by the time I reached and Ra Ti told me that he wanted to take me and his wife to the beach.
Ku Va said he wanted to grab a bite with me but I didn't go with Ku Va although that is what I wanted to do. I really didn't want to go with Ra Ti to the beach.
At the beach Ra Ti kept admonishing his chirpy and jovial wife and I finally told him off about it. And he bitched about everyone as usual and I realised that he is actually very small-minded. I refuted him on a few points and even his wife did so at some instances.
He said he wants to work with me in the future but I really don't want to do that given his temperament. But I didn't say anything.
Then he told me that I can't bunk rehearsals till the show and I kept thinking about how I would meet A on Thursday. I really want to spend some quality time with Arun. Let's see...
Then I came home late, ate dinner, spent some time on YouTube and sent some messages to Arun.
Sometimes I feel such a deep love for Arun and I don't know what to do with those feelings. Firstly, he is married. Secondly, well secondly the last time I met him he made it seem that I was an option and that really hurt me.
Anyway, I'm terribly sleepy now.
I haven't really done much by way of what I wanted to do today but I'll get there.
As Diggy says, "One day at a time."
I'll take one day at a time and I'm sure it'll get better.
I hope Arun's bones heal well.
I love him.
I am feeling:
Sad
Nostalgic
Deeply in love
Love,
Me.
1.15 am
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