Today I woke up at 10. My mind has not been in its place. I must accept reality. The day wore on and I did a lot of research online.
And then I called up Arun. I know I'm not as special to him as his ex Candy but he is really sweet to me. He is a really sweet loveable human being.
He told me that if I want to stop talking to him it's up to me.
Somehow as the day wore on I accepted that. Losing that space in his life has been tough for me, really tough. I feel so broken and like half the person I used to be ten years ago.
Life has taken its toll on me and I'm still single and I'm not searching anymore.
I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do... I have a purpose but the roads ahead all seem to be blocked or really difficult.
I am so grateful for my parents. They really love me and I don't know what I would do without them. They've really kept me strong and I want to serve them. I serve them with my love and affections and I keep doting on them.
Then Ma came back home and I sang my specially crafted song for her to her. She said that her friends made her day super special.
I quickly bathed, chanted and left for rehearsals.
Pa Pa has been making me laugh everyday at rehearsals so much so that I can't control my laughter during my scenes. And that's just not done. I have to be dead serious about this play no matter what I think about it. It's not shaping up so bad.
Today Ra Ti was training Hi separately. Hi has been acting superfluously well. I was sitting right there.
Ra Ti told Hi in front of me (about me): "Ye kitni budhdhiman ladki Hai. Ekdum wife material. Par ladke bade chutiya hote Hai."
Each day Ra Ti tells people that he really thinks I'm a good girl. Why is he so sweet to me? Did I judge him too harshly initially? Well, I'm not the God of the judgment of character. May be I was wrong. And may be I am a good girl. Am I that good?
He wanted to send Ma rasgullas for her birthday but I convinced him not to.
It was also Dar's birthday today. But I left before they celebrated it.
I ran to Sozo Izukaya where my family was waiting for me. I sat down and lo and behold! What did I discover? The waiter serving us was Gun, my actor friend, from my play!
At first I was embarrassed because I thought Gun was embarrassed. I hugged him and ordered my food. The food was shit.
But I clicked a pic with Gun. I really love him. He is such a sweet little boy. And I'm so proud of him.
There is a thing about me-- I am as humble in front of an Ambani as I would be in front of a beggar and I'm also as proud. I don't distinguish between the Haves and the Have Nots and I'm equally sweet and equally harsh to all much to the chagrin of my family and friends. I know my family and friends don't understand this about me but it's easy for me to see the common thread of humanity passing through all beings.
I'd gladly be a vegetarian but there is Tandoori chicken in this world. And that's my biggest problem... :)
Well I'm kind of feeling sad and heartbroken. I'm feeling a sense of loss.
And I feel I'm too harsh a judge of character. I judge people too harshly.
I'm feeling unbeautiful and sad and today as I was eating dinner I was feeling so broken. I wish I had a husband and children who would take care of me and give me that balm that my soul needs, something my parents can't give me. I feel so alone like I have nobody to talk to but you dear journal.
Life surprises me. It is not boring. But I do hope going ahead life is kind to me.
Arun told me today that he is sweet to me because he doesn't want to hurt me. But that's no reason to be sweet to me. He should be sweet to me if he really wants to without thinking about me getting hurt.
I love him.
I am feeling:
Sad and happy at the same time.
Grateful that my cute mother had a great birthday.
Grateful that I spoke to Arun today.
Grateful for mental clarity.
Dry.
Happy to have believers in me like Ra Ti.
Grateful for this play.
Grateful for having bumped into Gun today.
Grateful and sentimental about all the special moments I've shared with Arun. I'll carry those moments in my heart always to the grave and beyond. In my own sweet way I'll always be sentimental about him.
Teary. Just the thought of Arun brings tears to my eyes.
I am grateful for life with its many experiences.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
I am grateful for the future.
Love,
Me.
12.37 am (16.7.2025)
Ps: Arun told me today that he doesn't read any of my messages. That really hurt me a lot more than anything he's ever said or done that hurt me.
1.14 am
No comments:
Post a Comment