Hi called me today asking me to join her, Ra Ti and Ku Va. I told her I was busy writing and if I had time I'd join them even though I had been staring at a blank screen for quite some time. I did not really want to go out and I need that much-needed exercise I always tell Arun to get.
I did my evening prayers and at some point after smoking a few cigarettes I wrote. And I flowed. I wrote for quite a long time totally in rhythm for the first time without planning, without any structure in mind, just a story in my head, waiting to be told.
And I realised that just like Bibhutibhushan Bandhopadhyay, the author of the novel Pather Panchali, said that's the best way to write-- with just a story in mind and your pen guiding you.
I realised firstly, that I'm so out of touch. And I'm glad I'm not a journalist today because otherwise I would have been so conditioned as I used to be by the structure of news.
I poured out my heart into my story. This is just the first draft. And then because it's ten now and time for dinner I stopped so that Pa could watch TV.
I asked chat gpt to analyse my work and I'm so appalled by the selfishness of my protagonist as she is being revealed on my pages and by my own selfishness.
And that caused me to realise that it's not just childhood conditioning but a range of karma across lifetimes that decides our fate.
I empathised with each character I've brought out so far. And as Arun is my favourite reference point these days for any creative fuel I understood him today better and myself too and I forgave myself for when I've hurt people, and Arun for not calling me up and ignoring me, and my mom also, someone who I love but who I think has made my life a little hard sometimes.
I thought that yes, desires do lead to all of life's sufferings but a life devoid of desires is unimaginable and those who try to curb their desires are foolish. I think this book will be colourful and I think it will also make me a better person which will be its greatest gift to me.
Life is not perfect, neither for my protagonist nor for me, nor for Arun who has caused me so much heartache. But I can be more understanding and more understated.
This is the first draft and I'm loving writing it. Therapeutic to say the least.
Ma is so cute. She gifted me the Arts Division Handbook. I am going to devour it. I love my parents. I would be nowhere without them.
My greatest learning writing today was -- Everybody wants to have it all but nobody really has it all even though we envy people who seem to us like they have it all. And that is life's greatest lesson so far for me.
I am feeling:
Like I need to really do pranayam. I'm improperly breathing.
To the dinner table now.
Ciao!!!!! Dearest Journal!
Love,
Me.
10.26 pm
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