There is an irritating drilling going on outside my room because the carpenter is fixing something in Chotto's room.
I am feeling such a deep love for Arun.
For a long time now I've been trying to focus on my present and not fixate on the past and the future.
I woke up after 10 today. And my hand went to my phone and then to YouTube.
I had a quick bath, meditated and left to meet N. She was looking really low.
We spoke about a lot of things. It's easy for me to open up to her because I see her beyond being my psychologist, I see her as my friend.
I told her that I don't know what it's like to love myself and that ever since I was a child my love has been poured outward towards loving and caring for all around me. I told her that I don't know what it's like to care for myself and that I feel my love and care for others go unappreciated.
I told her that I feel the need for someone to take care of me at this point in my life. She told me that she has also been feeling that way and that as perimenopausal women this feeling is normal as our hormonal cycle is changing.
She told me that I can't give up on myself and that it's never too late to learn to love and care for myself. Everybody does that. Everybody lives for themselves and I must too. Any love and care I get outside of that is a bonus.
She also said that I'm far more intelligent and far more capable than the average person and I just can't afford to give up on myself and that she won't let me.
She also opened up to me about her own problems about how she has been feeling bogged down by her own daily life and been feeling stuck. She said she used to go for a run regularly but now she doesn't and that somehow both me and she are in the same situation. Well, well....
She also told me again that she doesn't view me as a client but more as a friend.
She said that we would start inner child work with me. That sounds so interesting.
After that I walked back from Dn Nagar because well, I love walking. Somehow Dn Nagar feels so close by when you decide to make a go for it by foot. The walk was rejuvenating. Dad asked me to get apples so I purchased some apples along the way. I also thought that I would write this:
A letter to my Inner Child. (This drilling is so bugging... I think I'll take a break.) 4.44 pm
Dear Inner Child, 5.05 pm
I know what it's like to be you because I've been there myself. In fact, nobody understands you better than I do. Nobody will give you more credit for the person that you are except me. Nobody will accept you more for being just the person that you are except me.
Did you know that when you grew up you would have such a great capacity to love? You've loved Arun more than you've loved anybody else and each day you pour care and affection into your family and friends.
I think people appreciate you more than you think. And even though they don't I appreciate you selflessly, unconditionally.
Firstly, you are a great fireball of kindness, warmth and love. And you are pretty in your own way with warbled feet but what the hell! Nobody is perfect! And no one is a more perfect you, a perfect Doel.
You are well-read and excruciatingly intelligent and creative.
Yes, sometimes you have lost yourself much more than you would have liked to but it's a lesson in time and in life.
You have the knack for making friends. Wherever you go I'm sure people are touched by your warmth.
I know you love Arun wholeheartedly and that hurts. And that he is more than simply an experience for you. But how much mental energy are you going to expiate over him?
And about your cigarettes! The health concerns and the money you spend on your cigarettes should have had you stopping by now. It's never too late. Just kick that dastardly butt.
Don't you know that you were diagnosed as pre-diabetic in a blood test last year? You can't, simply CAN'T glug down colas like this.
And about your work and career. Take small steps. Sometimes leap but keep moving forward. Keep taking those steps. Please.
Not for anyone but yourself.
Five years down the line you won't be here. But you better be some place better. And you will because I know you. Once you make up your mind not one can shake you. So make up your mind to win and make a go for it. Don't just make a go, RUN! RUN FASTER THAN THE CHANGING WINDS!
And lastly, may I say I admire your beauty. You are a beautiful human being. You would never ever intentionally hurt a soul. You are so full of love and life and even though you don't believe it nobody loves you more than I do.
You are loyal and trustworthy and sweet as a melon. You are cute in your own way and charming in your own way and you radiate a radiant warmth.
May peace, love and happiness be with you.
And of course, you need to hear this. Arun did tell you that he's exploring options. So move on from him. I know it's difficult. But take those steps, even though they may be baby steps now.
And keep loving wholeheartedly.
All my love and devotion to you.
You deserve the best because you are the best. You are the best you. And I'm rooting for you all the way.
And more importantly, don't ever give up and always, always show up for things that matter no matter what. Always be the winner that you have always been all along the way. Be a winner all the way.
I love you the most.
Love,
Your inner parent.
Now I have to go for rehearsals.
Love,
Me.
5.34 pm
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