Last evening I bunked rehearsals to meet Arun. I did the right thing because I understood Arun a bit more yesterday and I also as always had a good time talking to him.
He holds two of his exes, one in particular very highly. He narrated (again, but this time in detail) an incident of one of his sexual escapades. And I gathered that he had not just cheated on his wife but also this girl who he still loves dearly and talks very highly of.
I realised that he has no boundaries. If given a chance he would grasp it and sleep with someone who offered themselves to him.
I love him. I kissed him because he was there and smell of his cute face makes me happy.
But that made me feel that he's also definitely cheated on me and probably has a girlfriend.
His moral boundaries as far as relationships and sex are concerned are not just blurred, they seem to be missing.
He's very different from me when it comes to honouring someone's heart.
I love him all the same but he's not one to honour and protect someone's love for him. In fact, he seems to be the last person to do so.
Anyhow I love him. And that's twisted. To see things as they are and yet love. Because there are other things about him that are sweet.
At the end of it all we had Pani puri. That was sweet. I think he has a girlfriend. I really think he does.
I also cried a little during our meeting but may be all this love is going to waste. May be I should really get over him and move on.
When I think about Pa I feel that guys like Pa and Dadu are so difficult to find.
Pa has been true to Ma despite everything.
Everyday he drinks his whiskey at home, sometimes goes out with his friends and he tells her everything. They give each other enough space. Love requires effort and love is sacrifice and discipline something someone like Arun would never make for anybody.
Anyway I don't mean to judge him harshly but it is what it is. Things are as they are.
I'll always remember the times spent with him fondly. Always. But I should also know that he won't honour my love or respect how I feel about him ever. He is not likely to do that.
This has been looming on my mind and I just wanted to write this.
I am feeling:
A little disturbed
Happy
Clear
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
9.11 am
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