Today in the morning I called up Arun and told him about my feelings. I just had to. He said he won't come for my play. That hurt me.
Anyway the day wore on and I intended to reach rehearsals on time but I dosed off till 5.30 when Gun called me. I was so surprised that I actually slept for such a long time.
I thought Ra Ti would be very angry with me because yesterday he was in a very angry mood.
Instead everybody was all smiles to see me and Ra Ti has actually hugged me many times so far. He was not angry at all.
I called up Tillu and Vaishali today both of whom I have intended to meet.
Life is most unpredictable. But I can't base my choices on what Arun would like or what would please Ma and Pa. My parents' happiness is the most important thing to me but my life is for me. My own happiness is paramount.
My first service is to myself.
Today Pa gifted me a very beautiful Tarot deck, a black and golden one. I thought that was so thoughtful of him.
I love my parents. I love Arun. I love my angry young man brother. I love my friends. I'm so happy Ra Ti sees good in me despite me being so cold towards him.
Life is frankly at a stalemate right now.
I have to do my yoga and chanting everyday both of which I've been ignoring.
Yesterday I chanted with ku Va and Ma discussed the philosophy with him.
I should find happiness in the small and big things. I should be proud of the small and big things I do. I should be proud of myself. I'm a good human being and there is serious potential for growth. And I have a feeling that there are many surprises lined up for me.
And for some reason this play happened. It's a blessing in disguise. It showed me that I am loveable and accepted by people.
When I joined them Ra Ti told me my level of Hindi would not work for the play. But he believed in me and gave me a chance and he is so fond of me. I don't know why. I shouldn't be so negative. This play is good. Ra Ti is also good and I should be friends with him. You should be friends with someone who shows they love and care and not reject them. Because love and care and true friendship is hard to find. And you never know. You never know how friendship develops. You never know who will respond to your heart, who will recognise your value, who will see your worth.
I didn't intend to put any pressure on Arun today. I love him all the same. And frankly, there are no expectations from him.
I even sent him a poem. I don't know how he feels.
I should write my novel and not think about the outcome. It will all be good. I have to write it.
I should care about myself. I should love myself more than I love anybody else.
I think this calls for a letter. Writing a love letter to myself makes me feel really good.
I am feeling:
So calm I'm surprised.
Happy, very happy to be accepted by my new friends.
I am feeling like I must have a good personality because people are warmed by my presence. I've had such good moments during these rehearsals. I've made a great friend in Hi.
Today I feel very hopeful. Not because I see light at the end of the tunnel or because I feel something will happen but I needed someone to believe in me and in this play I found acceptance and such love. It's heartening.
Now I have a scene coming up. Will stop writing.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
7.42 pm
Ps: Raa just told me: "Is group mein aisa koi nahin hoga Jo aapko pasand nahin karta hoga. Aap is group mein sabse pyaari ho." He is so sweet.
8.27 pm
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