I had an alright day.
I fell asleep after 2.30 last night and woke up at 9.30. I slugged it out in the morning. Du Ma made me two cups of tea and that's when I sat down and meditated and chanted. I haven't done yoga in a while.
Then I shot some shorts for YouTube which was a huge lesson in itself. YouTube's algorithm doesn't allow the viewing of videos shot in a crowded fashion. Some of the shorts got decent views but the ones shot later went unviewed. I have to figure this out.
After a long time I spent some time on social media today. I realised that my peace of mind is paramount and that I have to conquer my mind. My overthinking and imagination are only roadblocks. Discipline is the key. That will happen only as I become wiser and clearer about life with experience.
Ta Ag wanted to meet me today but for some reason I don't want to meet him. I'll meet him some other day.
Then in the evening Si Dhi and Ga Mo came home to chant for an hour with Ma and me. I prayed wholeheartedly for myself and others knowing fully well that deep intention counts.
Till date I have never prayed for one single selfish prayer tying Arun to me. Because I know the weight of the consequences of that.
But I prayed wholeheartedly for his family and for him and for everybody in general.
And at some point I realised that my love for him carries the weight of the hatred of so many people.
And then I released him completely as I prayed from any expectation I may have held.
I can love him incommunicado secretly and silently. And that does not mean I'm marrying loneliness. In fact I'm freeing him with love and releasing him from any burden he may have felt because of me. And I'm releasing all my love for him into every being.
I think I'll go silent now.
It's only because of him that I know what truly loving someone means. I don't really believe in falling in love. What I realise from loving him is that love is respect, it is understanding, it is discipline, it is sacrifice and it is good intentions. It is the desire to see the object of your love always happy. Expectations only add burden to any relationship.
Having said that I really really want God to protect me from malice and the malintentions of men. I don't like sometimes how men talk to me and approach me and I think I should really pray for this. I really want to make good friends. I don't go out and meet anyone because I don't trust people's intentions. I've become very protective of myself.
I should chuck the shorts probably when I go down in the morning. I think I'm headed towards becoming a hermit with a digital journal as my best friend :)
Then after the chanting session I went down for a walk and here I am one poem down.
Dinner was aloo fry with Roti.
I think I'll clean my room now. Meditate and try and get some good sleep.
I bless all beings. May all beings be absolutely happy.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
I am feeling:
The weight of being viewed perversely by some people.
Happy.
Awake.
Realising that some destiny is fixed but much of it is created.
Love.
10.41 pm
No comments:
Post a Comment