Let me just start this entry by telling you the most obvious thing. I really love Arun.
I spent a lot of time today in the morning after waking up at 10 and researching on YouTube. I went through many many Tarot channels. It seems that most successful Tarot readers are adept at weaving a story around their predictions. That is something I could pick up from these days spent going through videos.
Then I bathed, meditated and left for rehearsals. For the past one week it seemed to me that Ra Ti is a far more humane human being than I thought and I had thought I had misjudged him. But I'm very good at telling from a person's face what their character is like. More on that later.
At rehearsals I spent time with Hi and Ku Va who I've become friends with. Hi is super beautiful and Ku Va is a sweet complex boy.
Today Raa walked up to me during rehearsals and told me that I give off such positive vibes and that he really loves me. I told him that's so sweet, "Tumhein diabetes na ho Jaye." He said: "Shubh shubh bolo." He is a very good and industrious boy who I think trusts the wrong people and is struggling a lot. May he find his success and path easily. That's what I bless him with. He also writes great poetry. Although we are very different he reminds me a lot of me.
Pa Pa again made me laugh a lot during rehearsals. It was only after rehearsals got over that we realised it's his birthday today and the group was abuzz with wishes.
He's another stellar charactered boy. Very hardworking. Will go very far in life.
But out of all these boys Arun is the best character because his face is the sweetest. His flared nostrils give him such character. They say that he has owned and faced each experience in his life deeply and his nose is the best space to leave him a light poochie as he calls it.
Rehearsals got over early because Hi left early. And invariably Ra Ti said he wanted to go for a drink. I said no but somehow half an hour later I found myself on his bike with one beer in my hand sitting at the beach. I think he coerced me into it and it was because of this new lens I was seeing him with.
We were discussing career. And then somehow because I got high I got talking. And I realised that my first impression of Ra Ti was right. He is a very small minded, selfish, mean man who for some reason is very fond of me. He would take undue advantage of anyone. He paints himself as a seedha sada village boy but he would take anybody's fayda. He reminds me so much of Shy Kis and of course I loathe Shy Kis.
Today I felt that may be he has some ulterior motive with me.
I told him today that I don't really like him. May be I shouldn't have but I'm excruciatingly diplomatic and I don't think he got the point.
Anyhow his daughter called and I told him we should leave and I got home.
I think out of all these people Arun would like Pa Pa, and Raa and he would say Raa looks poor. I don't like this about Arun, how he distinguishes between the Haves and Have Nots. He would definitely hit on Hi because she is super beautiful.
(Pa just demeaningly scolded me for not yet eating my dinner.)
I thought a lot about Arun today. I thought about his many women and how he is emotionally invested in so many women and how he has a weakness for beauty. He has his own lens of judgment. I don't think I would ever be more special to him than his ex Candy, or his wife with whom I think he doesn't always see eye to eye. I really love his daughter who he can't live without.
I thought about how he has distanced himself from me saying that he doesn't want to hurt me and that hurts even more.
Firstly, I don't think I'd ever be able to forget him. But secondly, I also know I'm not as special to him as he is to me. I know for a fact that he must have philandered around with other women when we were together. He doesn't want to commit to me. And in a way he's moved on very easily.
When he told me that it's been ten months since we broke up, indicating that I should be over him by now it really really hurt me. How can I get over someone who I love so deeply?
I don't think I'll ever get over him.
And he doesn't even read my messages! That I so thoughtfully pen for him! That hurt me so deeply.
I'd had a great heartbreak with G but he was easy to get over. But Arun, Arun is the love of my life and the heartbreak of my life. An experience I'm not likely to get over easily, something no one seems to understand.
If Arun were to just take off and never talk to me ever I'd be shattered, completely shattered. I'm so emotional about him! Because I see such a beauty in him, in his kind eyes and his soulfulness. I must be mad. And I must have been madly in love with him.
Anyway I'll stop here. Dearest Journal I love you which means I love me.
I think I need to get a grip on myself. I need to somehow sort out my head. With all Arun's weaknesses and flaws I could never ever hate him. I somehow without realising it gave him my whole heart completely. I'm such a fool! And so impractical!
I don't want to be completely negative and I don't want to entertain fantasies. Realistically I don't think I'd love again. I don't know. I feel like I've hit rock bottom in my life and I don't know the way forward. I don't know how to get out of this mess. I don't know what to do with myself.
Pa has become so negative these days. May be he thinks I'm being selfish. I should pay more attention to his needs. I really really love my father.
I am feeling:
Pissed off with Ra Ti.
Sad.
Emotional.
Happy at the same time.
Feel that I urgently need to address my parent's woes.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
12.04 am (17.7.2025) I think it's Ash Ma's birthday today but she doesn't talk to me anymore and I don't have her number.
May I sleep well tonight.
Ps: An afterthought: It's a man's world. For a woman to make forays in this world she has to rely on men. And if a girl is even remotely beautiful men start chasing her. I find that very troubling in my life not knowing which man will not have an ulterior motive and not take advantage of me and still support me as a friend. Guys are chutiyas. They all want to date you... whether they are single or not... I don't know.... that's how I'm feeling. Being a woman, a single 40 year old woman, I know how bad men can be to women and how objectifying. Are there any decent men out there like my dad? This makes me respect Arun for the love and respect he has showered on me but it also makes me doubt his choices and how he views women... so superficially... but I know one thing he will always respect me despite being demeaning sometimes... that's why I want him in my life... I think he'd make a great friend.... sweet man that he is.
12.31 am
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