I have been thinking about Arun for a very long time now. He somehow is constantly on my mind. I miss the constancy of his love that I have experienced before. I miss his calls. I miss his care and his affection. I keep wanting to make love to him and in a nutshell I miss him.
I know that the past can never be brought back. I keep wanting to hear his beautiful sonorous voice. I must have fallen madly in love with him that day when he wore his reading glasses and I gazed at his eyes.
He's not a fool. He is smart. And I wonder what runs through his mind these days as far as I'm concerned.
My feet are a mess.
Today I attended half the wd meeting. Bhav's experience brought tears to my eyes. It's only in my sangha that I get to hear about people's lives and problems. And even though I don't chant regularly I love the connections I've made here.
Ma really killed it with her dance today! I simply love my mother. She is so cute. I want to make her super proud of me.
I know that whenever I overthink something I'm missing some sad reality. And today as the meeting took off I realised that I will probably never be able to live without Arun and the reality of it all remains. His situation, the truth and my deep love and his cute face.
His sweet smile, his jokes, his stories, his dewy fragrance haunt me. He isn't giving me a lot and I'm not asking him for anything but what is it? Why do I love him so deeply?
Must be karmic, must be a past life thing.
Shweetypie....
Yesterday Pa did the sweetest thing for me. He showed me his love and his care. He presented me with two different Tarot decks-- a black and golden dark one and a Gita deck!
I love my father. I thanked him and thanked him for believing in me. And dad said: "Don't give up."
It made me so happy.
Ma has expressed her displeasure at me reading Tarot and I also always felt that Arun wasn't very proud of it either. It's an off-beat profession but it brings in some money while I'm navigating other creative pursuits.
Pa's gesture spoke more than anything he would have ever said. Pa also told me that my rates are too high and that I could consider discounting it. My dad always really knows what I need. I love love love my father.
This is what I needed-- for someone whose opinion matters to show me that they believe in me.
Today rehearsals are in half an hour. That's too early. I haven't had the time to give myself that much-needed pedicure or shampoo my hair and I don't think I've cared for myself at all through these rehearsals. I've carried myself around like a typical jhalli.
Anyhow, my greatest hope for today is to be able to focus on things that matter and to kind of make peace with the fact that Arun is only my friend. I hope to be happy today. I hope to have peace of mind today.
I am feeling:
Deep love
Nostalgic
Happy
Touched by all the wds especially my mom
Hopeful
Eager
Determined
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
12.42 pm
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