I took an early exit from rehearsals and came back home a while ago. Ma just got on my nerves about the sarees to be worn during my play. I must employ more patience with my parents.
I don't know but Raa called me up many times to come for rehearsals. But when I reached hardly anyone was there. Ra Ti praised me a lot for my performance. I don't know if I was really that good. But I told him that I think everyone is performing really well to which he said that I'm being very humble and said he'd treat me to samosas and coffee soon. Hmm.
Today I spent some time chatting with Hi. She is so mature for her age and so demure and so so so beautiful and I told her that. Yesterday Ra Ti said a lot of unbecoming things about her which were not cool with me at all. I think I had even taken Hi's side and spoken on her behalf.
Hi told me that I must not be so sensitive to Ra Ti. Well, yes, he is a human being after all trying to put up a great show.
An afterthought was that I must try to detach myself emotionally from Arun, from Ma and Pa's emotional ageing tantrums and be more equilibriated. There are all sorts of people in this world and human relationships are very complex. I know that.
I did a little bit of yoga after I came back home. I must cease overthinking because some things are pure destiny like your partner and your parents and all that and I must make the effort and put my best face and my best foot forward in life.
The truth is that even when I'm being super practical and super detached and going about my life and focusing on its nitty gritties I love Arun. I love him always. There is something about his nature and his person that is very appealing to me. I actually love him even without being in love with him. I love him for who he is with or without the passion, with or without the longing. And that is real love.
I love his stories, I love his smell with or without perfume and when he smiles it lights up my heart. I love it when he guffaws and I love him and his life and everything that comes with him, complications and all. I've never felt this way about anyone. Yes, about Buro growing up I have. I've loved Buro that way too, selflessly and unconditionally but nowadays his brashness and temper tantrums really get to me. He is very dismissive of me but so is Arun after what he said the last time.
And I don't know why I'm treated this way by the people I love. It's a karmic tendency that I must reflect on and attempt to change.
I also thought that despite the strict call for attendance at rehearsals I would make up some excuse and meet Arun on Thursday if he's up for it. It's always nice to spend time with him whether he is happy and buoyant or sad and cranky. It'll be a good break for me from rehearsals too. Let's see... I hope he doesn't can the plan.
This whole discipline of training the mind to dwell on the present seems a little bit boring at first because my imagination and creative thoughts seem of course far more entertaining and interesting to me but as you continually employ such a discipline and focus on the present and your work, life starts feeling more delightful and you savour the various moments of life much more and that is non-negotiably divine, it is pure joy.
Now there is doodh rooti kola cheeni for dinner. Du Ma cooked such little food today that I barely ate lunch. I'm veritably famished. I'm going to dig into my dinner, have a mango and chant.
I don't have any cigarettes with me and I have to gradually cut down on smoking. I'm getting a craving but it will pass. I will not go down and buy a cigarette.
Life is good in it's own way if you look at my peace of mind. But a lot of things need to be ticked off.
One day at a time. One moment at a time. I live for myself because I can't really expect anything from anybody, right? Because people and relationships are complicated and who knows how long we are together all of us as companions in this journey of life.
And I mustn't judge people so harshly. Everybody is suffering one way or the other and all I can do is dole out some love, compassion and understanding.
I am feeling:
Happy
Placid
Loving
Reflective
At peace
Grateful
Determined
Sweet
I am grateful for my parents, my brother and Sadhya always.
I am grateful for Arun and all that comes with him.
I am grateful for N's presence in my life and her support and friendship.
I am grateful for Dr Shinde.
I am grateful for this play. Despite the few drawbacks it keeps me busy and I've met some wonderful people because of it.
I am grateful for Ra Ti. He is appreciative and friendly.
I am grateful that I'm at peace and that I've cut down on cigarettes.
I am grateful for my friends.
I am grateful for myself. Without being given any credence I do light up the world in my own way and I'm grateful for that.
I am super grateful for blogspot and this journal. I wouldn't be the person I am without journalling.
I am grateful for all the people I work with across the three existences.
I am grateful for my body, and my heart.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
I am grateful for the food and shelter I have.
Love,
Me.
11.33 pm
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