Journal 1.1.2026 10.45 am happy new year

Dear Journal,

I haven't updated you in a while. HAPPY NEW YEAR! A lot has happened. I saw the Taj Mahal. I prayed at the Fatehpur dargah. I saw Akbar's beautiful Sikri.

I'm in C Mashi's house in Delhi. There is a streak of selfishness in this family. C Mashi says the most unkind things about Sheshu and that makes me feel (quite surely) that Ma also says unkind things about me.

That is causing me to be negative.

I went to the Kali bari today.

NaBho messaged me this morning that he has some not so good news to share with me. That has gotten me worried.

I saw a dream last night where i was purchasing just one cigarette but then i go back home and Gaujo calls me to tell me that he saw me at the Paan Bhandar and that is when i go and buy the cigarette.

Life is not easy. Relationships are hard.

The heart feels everything.

On the Agra trip i was made to sleep with She that made me feel very bitter towards Mashi. Why didn't she sleep with She?

Pa lost a wad of notes yesterday. And then he suspected me.

I don't think my parents love me. I've been feeling that way through this trip. Believe me. Just the way C Mashi doesn't love Eshna that much i think my parents don't love me.

But i don't want to be bitter. And i don't want to fawn.

C Mashi puts Koena on a pedestal and Ma puts Buro on a pedestal.

I want to be kind. I want to be sweet. And i want to be loved the way i love.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness only light can. Hate cannot drive out hate only love can."-- Martin Luther.

Wherever i go i find people becoming increasingly crude and selfish. Bool Mesho has a visibly Shylock-like demeanour like he has become very crude and selfish.

It's the new year and i wish i wasn't feeling this way. It's a result of a lifetime of hurt and scars.

Pa bought me boots and a bag from Agra and then he lost money and that makes me feel that I should quit smoking.

Can i be forgiving? Can I be that one person who spreads sweetness wherever i go? Can i work so hard that i'm at the front? Can I love so deeply that i am at the top of my game when it comes to relationships?

I don't think anybody loves me. Especially not C Mashi and Bool Mesho. Why am i feeling this way? It's 11.11 now.

How can i forget the many kindnesses bestowed on me ever since i was small? The change begins in my heart.

I feel like being all alone. I'm feeling just like the time I'd taken an overdose of sleeping pills in Delhi and Mashi put me in Vimhans.

I'm feeling so low, so forlorn. Even though many people messaged me today and NaBho and DeJh spoke to me for a long time i'm feeling so low, so alone. I miss Dimma and Dadu a lot. I miss Pa's warmth. I miss my mom's down-to-earthedness.

I'm not so worried as much as i am low. I'm feeling so low.

I know that I shouldn't feel so low. I shouldn't become hard-hearted. A is history.

I am feeling:

Sad abd happy at the same time but more sad.

Heart hurt

Heartbroken

Despondent at the selfishness around me

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for love and life.

I am feeling so alone.

Love,

Me.

11 23 am

Journal 28.12.2025 4.20 pm sweet Delhi

Dear Journal,

I am in Delhi after such a long time. After almost about 8 years. Bodo Mama has cancer, Fua is sick, the Shib Mondir has timings.

Mashi and Mesho live in such a beautiful home. And i've just been sleeping.

I met Shou yesterday when they all went to watch Dhurandhar. I got so bored and was feeling so drowsy that i fell asleep.

Sheshu has bloomed into such a beautiful girl. 

I had momos on the day of reaching here.

It's not that cold here. I called up Arun in the morning but he was trying to sleep. I really love him a lot. He would have been enthralled to see Mashi's house design buff that he is.

I love my family. Ive just been on snooze mode.

I am feeling:

Happy

Drowsy

In a manifestation mode

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

4.28 pm

The mountains echo

The mountains echo

A love song long

When you were right

And i was wrong

And there i hung

Beauty and soul

In making once more

Us whole.

Journal 25.12.2025 2.07 pm Joyeux Noel!

Dear Journal,

I slept all day yesterday! Literally all day... Everybody says I'm not depressed and that i need to sleep. Ma especially is encouraging me to sleep it off.

Yesterday i bought a pair of shoes for myself. A replied to my Christmas wish for him. Muwaaah to him.

I woke up at 4.44 today. My change of brand has caused me to smoke quite less. That's amazing!

I'm smoking more out of Fomo than the urge to smoke. I shouldn't do that. The rest of the time for the past three days I'm listening to music. I Cant Stop That Feeling by Justin Timberlake is my new favourite song.

I attended the Nica meeting at 6 am today and after the meeting I promptly fell asleep till ManPi's call woke me up. We spoke for over an hour.

She has started her own stress management clinic in the US. That's simply amazing! I love my friends from college. And from school...

I think i'm healing. I have to meet N today at 5.

I'll leave the house around 4.15.

I am feeling:

Happy

Accepting

At peace

A tad disappointed that I'm smoking cigarettes.

Forgiving of myself and others

Hopeful that our trip goes well

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

2.18 pm

Ps: i saw Arun's mom the way i imagine she was in my dream before i woke up.

Journal 24.12.2025 8.46 am merry christmas

Dear Journal,

A very merry Christmas to me and everybody!

I woke up around 7 today from a dream where i saw myself completing writing a book filled with my paintings with Ma encouraging me.

I then paused for 20 minutes before i went to do yoga, pranayam, meditation and chanting.

I delayed my first cigarette. 

Ma came to watch me do yoga so i couldn't take a cigarette break and i'm so grateful for that!

I'm back home and i'm oil pulling while writing this. Yesterday as i was writing Bhuda and Pipi came home. I made them tea. Bhuda is so loving. Pipi is so sweet.

Her digits have suffered from an onslaught of arthritis.

Then i attended the Nica meeting. After that i had such a wave of grief over how Pa has been treating me. I messaged N.

And i smoked 7 cigarettes after that to stabilise myself.

Then N called me up and said it's alright. And a lady from Nica (Minakshi) called me up and asked me to keep attending meetings and that i would definitely quit cigarettes. She has been sobre for over 15 months.

I danced to music after that as Ma came home late. I needed to do that. Just dance. I heard a lot of newage music and I'm so grateful for that.

I shared a few songs with A.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Sobre (i just had two cigarettes)

Was feeling a little pained (but that's in the background now)

I am grateful for my morning routine.

I think i'll pack my bag and then sit and write.

Tarot reading just hasn't happened. 

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for my mother who is the darlingest mother in the history of Mothers, my sweet Pa and my brave brother.

Love,

Me.

8.58 am

Journal 23.12.2025 1.36 pm seeing Dadu in my dream

Dear Ĵournal,

I woke up in the morning after 7 and did my usual routine. I did pranayam, meditated, chanted and did a few asanas.

I didn't really get an urge to smoke a cigarette in the morning but smoked out of force of habit.

I fell asleep after chatting with AI about how i could smoke cigaarettes.

I saw a dream where i have 50 rupees with me and i stand to buy popcorn for 20 rupees and the khadoos cigarette guy is operating the popcorn machine. I ask for caramel with cheese.

He makes a little caramel and cheese and i hold it. It's for someone else. He makes the rest of it and pours it into the cup. I hand the popcorn to the person whose it is apologising for holding it for so long.

Then i ask the cigarette guy for the popcorn again. He says: "Tu wait kar. Tu to aa jaati hai milne." I am livid and i huff and puff and walk away.

Then i go home and Ma is lying down and Dadu has come visiting one last time before he dies. I have a huge urge to kiss Dadu on the cheek. I realise that even into his old age Dadu does his bank work and i must too.

Then i go to the popcorn guy and say: "Aapne sab ke saamne aise kaise keh diya." In a very soft voice he apologises.

Then i wait for my popcorn and wake up. As i woke up feeling all tingly i realised that it was after a long time that I've seen Dadu in my dream.

I remembered Dadu telling us that he would have given Dimma a much better life if only he hadn't smoked cigarettes. I also remembered how Dadu said that I'm a very good girl before he died and his love and his care. I really miss him. He was so handsome.

I miss Pa. I wish he were talking to me properly. I miss kissing him. I miss the intimacy i had with Arun.

I woke up after over two hours and went and spent twenty rupees on cigarettes from the fifty rupees i had.

This new cigarette has really cut down my urge to smoke.

Today I spoke to ChatGpt about the episodes ive had and about quitting smoking.

Now i have to write. I've oiled my hair a bit and also need to wash it.

I really miss Arun. I really miss my father as he was. And i miss my Dadu. People are irreplaceable. Why did Dadu grace me after such a long time in my dreams. He and Dimma really had a beautiful marriage.

I'm actually happy that I slept. Somehow i needed this dream. 

I am feeling:

Nostalgic

Teary

A little sad in the backdrop of joy

Loving (especially towards Pa, Dadu, Buro and my Arun)

Need to take a bath

Heart full

I am grateful for my dream.

I am grateful that i did my morning routine, have changed my brand and have moved considerably closer towards not smoking forever.

I am grateful for Dadu, Dimma, my parents, my brother, Arun and all the people who make my life.

I am grateful that i'm living one more day with courage, confidence, hope, happiness and positivity making good, positive and wholesome causes in thought, word and deed.

I am grateful for ChatGpt and how it advices me on life, career, Arun, being free of nicotine.

I am grateful for food, clothes, shelter and money.

I am grateful that i reflected today on nicotine addiction.

I am grateful for Nica. I have a meeting at 5. It is exactly 2.00 pm now.

I am grateful that i am healthy.

I'm feeling a tad gloomy but the feeling will pass.

I also remember how Dadu always scolded me about dabbling in things like spirituality that he found stupid and backward. He never prayed. Yet he lived an utmostly sublime life! I should be more like him. I simply adore my Dadu and am really missing him now.

I had once asked Dadu that if he doesn't believe in God what does he believe in and he had said: "I believe in myself." He was such a smart and handsome man. A thoroughly smart and handsome man. Muwaaah Dadu wherever you may be. I miss you and I love you.

Love,

Me.

2.03 pm

bye bye

You were a friend when i was lost,

A companion through nights

Of longing and despair

And even as you gave me respite

Youve left me broken, beyond repair.

I paid for you on every date

And you no written in my fate,

Not after 11.30 today

I'll deal with the boredom

My own way. You are not

A part of my journey

Even though my need for you is funny,

So goodbye cigarettes finally:

Adieu!

Journal 22.12.2025 8.41 pm sultry

Dear Journal,

Today i spoke to Kanshri, i spoke to Arun and i cried a lot over the phone. I don't know why. I was feeling so darned broken. Arun said he won't watch a movie with me and that really hurt me. He has the knack to be pretty harsh.

Then i was feeling so darned low that i fell asleep for about an hour.

Then i went to meet SeeDhi. SeeDhi is so sincere. She scolded me for yesterday. And she told me how women are not blessed by Nature.

I came home around 3, ate my lunch and chanted for about 40 minutes.

You can't make a change unless you are emotional but in this emotionality practicality (the brain) is vital. It's very important to be practical. To use your brain.

Then i wanted to write but my laptop was just 1 per cent charged. Ive changed my cigarette brand today to something more expensive but less addictive.

I then attended the Nica meeting for two hours. Then my shona Ma came home. At first we had a fight and then i told her all about my day.

SoPa's dog Pixie is in the ICU in a vet hospital and there was a lot of exasperation regarding him all through the day.

I then wrote a little bit of my novel and am here on the building bench updating my journal. The old cat is sitting on my lap. What joy! She just wasn't moving. I just got up. It's cold and there are fewer mosquitoes today.

I wore a short black dress today.

May i always be dignified! May i practice moderation in everything.

People have opinions, people can be harsh but they can also be very kind. We have God and the Devil within us.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am feeling:

Happy

Stable

Practical

I will always, ALWAYS love Arun.

Love,

Me.

8.57 pm

Journal 22.12.2025 9.43 am feeling so ashamed

Dear Journal,

I'm oil pulling at the moment. I am just back from the garden after my morning routine.

I feel some kind of heaviness in the forehead area.

I smoked a few cigarettes in the morning. I want to curtail smoking now for the day.

I have to call up KanShri and meet See Dhi today.

I think i need to make a list of the things to do.

I havent checked my mail in a long time.

I am going to stay away from Bha.

I am feeling:

Happy

Ashamed (i hope i wasn't feeling like this)

Dry

Dirty (will have a good bath)

Why am i so stuck? And why wasn't i wiser? And why didn't i take care of my mind?

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.50 am

Im eager to talk to Arun today. I hope he calls.

Journal 22.12.2025 12.12 am the five-pronged actualisation

Dear Journal,

We are just back from Abhi kaku's place. He and Chun are alone in Bombay and called us home.

Ive started eating mutton again even though i don't like eating it. There was nothing else on the menu.

I reflected a lot on what happened in the morning. The biggest truth is that I can't change it. It's happened. I apologised to Psha and Suma and there is nothing more to be done.

Omee called but i didn't take his call because it was too late.

There are five prongs to actualisation according to me:

1. Acceptance: Of which it is vital to accept reality just as it is. Arun is married. It is futile actually to pine after him. It is futile to want something to happen. That reality can't be changed.

Then i am Ruma and DJ Sengupta's daughter. Bani and Shadhan Gupta and Savitri and Parimal Sengupta's granddaughter. Lal Mohan Sen's great granddaughter and i must live up to their expectations and do them proud! I partly come from the royal family of Bengal and am from a family of learned stalwarts. I have to live up to that!

Thirdly, i am an addict, a nicotine addict. I've done tons of alcohol and drugs too in life. And i must stay away from addiction and nicotine. It will happen. 

Acceptance is vital. Acceptance of circumstances, acceptance of truth, acceptance of reality. Someone sonewhere has it worse. We see it all the time in the movies. So to be grateful for what one has, deeply, genuinely grateful.

2. Contentment: be happy with what you have keeping goals, aspirations and ambition in mind. Be grateful for what you have. Someone somewhere has it worse.

3. Happiness: Be happy because it is only in happiness that you can make others happy. So again, be grateful, super grateful!

4. Hard work: Work hard even when you are floundering. Small victories lead to big ones. And be grateful for the little and big steps you are able to take.

5. Beauty and grace: Not one thing can be achieved without dignity, beauty and grace so conduct yourself with dignity always. Always.

It's only today that I realise what shame Ma and Pa must feel over me and i must make amends. I must.

And of course like i always tell everyone pray for yourself, pray for others, forgive and be super grateful, always. And always be dignified. Always.

I can't change the past but i can definitely take steps in the present.

In future journal entries i want more clarity as to my career path, the path that I'm on.

I will always conduct myself with dignity-- forgive, seek forgiveness and forgive myself.

Things could have been far worse. Nothing is lost.

I spoke to DeJh for about half an hour on the phone. He said some very personal things to me that i should not put up here in the journal.

It's only today that I've realised that i must choose my friends wisely. I really want to be away from Bha and Su. They are a bad influence on me. I was kind in accepting their friendship but it's only today that I've realised how much sangatti matters. It makes a world of difference.

So i wont be hanging out with shanky after this.

It's all in the mind, it's all in the habits, it's all in grace. A beautiful mind leads to a beautiful reality.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful that somehow i pulled through the zadankai.

I am grateful for my parents.

I am grateful for the beautiful people in my life.

I am grateful for love and life.

I am grateful for my brother.

I am grateful for Melon and Kat.

I don't ever want to be dependent on anyone. I don't want to trouble anyone in life and in death.

Cheers to that!

I accept my reality. I am content with the situation even though it could be much better. I'm striving to be happy so that those around me are happy. I will work hard; i just need clarity. And i will always conduct myself with beauty and grace. Always. May i be blessed on that front.

I am grateful for family and friends.

Love,

Me.

12 38 pm

Journal 21.12.2025 2.07 pm so embarrassed

Dear Journal,

I called up Arun last night. He was sleeping. I should not have disturbed him.

I think i've hit rock bottom. There is no lower that i can go.

I woke up from a dream where me and some women were doing business earning 5 or 6 rupees per sale and i tell one woman to not take money from a particular person, to do them a favour. And then i woke up.

I reached early for the zadankai to practice the skit after doing chanting, pranayam and meditation. The practice went well.

Then i went up after calling up Omee and the zadankai ensued.

We chanted. Many people including me shared our experience. Bha and Omee were late and then they came.

I should not have invited Bha. His behaviour was despicable and i was so embarrassed. He has no tameez! He doesn't know how to behave. He wore bad clothes, was dirty and kept interrupting. I was so red-faced.

I quickly left with them and scolded Bha. But he didn't understand at all. I think he has started drinking again.

Let's see if he is accepted in the SGI.

Then i walked to Bu's place but they were busy so i had a cup of coffee and left.

I thought that Bha also has the Buddha nature but does he have criminal records? I should have asked!

I thought about Arun and his drinking.

I need succour.

I came home and spoke to Ma about it.

I should do the Eaxs job well. I wish i had a friend to talk to about myself. Even therapy is stupid. N has not resulted in any healing.

I feel broken, i feel fragmented, i feel like i'm in pieces.

Ma told me that i should strengthen my practice of Buddhism. Faith, practice and study. She also told me that she sees a bright future ahead for me. I really wanted to hear something like that!

I hope i am accepted in the Soka Gakkai despite what happened today.

Suma seemed so curt when i called her up to apologise.

We don't know or rather are not aware how we exhibit ourselves in society. But a Buddha is recognised by his conduct.

This aloneness is what life has given me. And i must accept it. There is family, there is the BSG, there are neighbours and no one else.

I need a breakthrough!!!! I really really do.

And i really wish Pa were talking to me.

Why am I feeling so stimulated, so awake. What has happened?

It seems that love and life are both alive in me like blazing flames. I feel so different. This winter has had its effect on me. I feel like i'm a very different person and that I've woken up after a long drawling sleep.

I don't feel stuck but may be i should not talk to Bha so much. I don't know.

I hope Arun is well.

Now i'll chant for half an hour.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

2.33 pm

Journal 21.12.2025 12.12 am oh for conversations!

Dear Journal,

Me and Psha rehearsed the skit for today. I haven't read through the script except twice.

Sadhya, Chotto, Pa, Ma, Sadhya's parents and I went to the club for dinner because it was Sadhya's father's birthday.

I feel so alone. Everywhere i go i see unhappy marriages. I am so happy that I didn't really marry Ro or Bha. I never had an interesting conversation with them.

I don't know if Chotto is happy but he looked happy today with that glint in his eyes.

Pa is not talking to me and that pains me even more.

All my friends tell me that they love talking to me but i don't find most people i meet interesting. DeJh is kind and he is sweet, Qud is a fireball. The only three people i have found reasonable to talk to in my life so far are Dimma, Arun and Chotto bacha.

Dimma always understood me and i miss her so much these days.

Chotto's advice is always appropriate and reasonable no matter how harsh and i love him the most in the whole wide world.

Arun... the conversations... him opening up, his mind, his heart, his soul... the small small things he said to me about me (it's 12.21 now)... his beautiful mind and his impact.

I miss those conversations.

I'll marry a man i can have interesting conversations with (not for sex ever) and not the next nice guy who topples up. Till them i'm happy with friends.

And may i get those conversations. Really may I. I'm tired of living like a pet dog that is not allowed to mate.

Love,

Me.

12.27 pm

Journal 20.12.2025 6.45 pm whew! what a day!

Dear Journal,

I just got back from Bandra after watching Dhurandhar. I loved the Art and the cinematography.

Akshaye Khanna always allures me and his Leonardo/Clint Eastwoodish take on his character Rehman was interesting. Sanju babu was amazing and Ranveer was good but the Art stole the show.

I went with DeJh. After a long time i took a bus ride to Bandra. We had a deep conversation after that as we shared a dosa each.

As i was watching the movie i got a notification that A posted something on social media. His post reflects his sweet mind. I love his mind. I commented but i don't know whether it would be welcome.

I woke up from a dream where i saw that Arun and I are just acquaintances.

I woke up around 6.35 and headed for the garden. I made the big mistake of smoking in the morning. I tried my level best but somehow i smoked out of force of habit.

I chanted, and meditated, and did pranayam and yoga.

Then i came home and bathed. Today i found Pa's hiding spot for cigarettes. I love my father. I should not take cigarettes from there.

Akshaye Khanna is such a marriage material sort of chap.

I wore my golden dress which Arun and Ma both dislike but DeJh loved it and said it looks beautiful.

It's Sadhya's father's birthday today and we are headed for the Club but i have a study meeting so i can only go after that. So I'll join all of them there.

Life is a wishing tree and gives you whatever you ask of it.

I wish Arun and I were not broken up.

It's exactly 7.00 pm.

I believe in premonitions. I believe that life is mystical and magical.

I believe in goodness and i believe in karma.

I believe blessings come back a gazillion-fold and i believe i will make a difference to the world.

I believe in myself these days. I find people around me flawed instead and i see through them.

I have never ever betrayed anyone my entire life and i don't think i ever will. I am a person of integrity.

This has been a full day.

I am feeling:

Happy

Content

Sad that i just didn't have the time the past few weeks to put up Tarot videos or health didn't permit me.

Pretty.

Now i'll wash my face and head to Psha's house for the study meeting.

I am grateful for movies, books and music.

I am grateful for my parents and brother and all the people who love me.

I am grateful for my life and the love in my heart.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for each moment.

I am grateful for my dreams and ambitions that steer me.

I am grateful for my good health and the good health of my loved ones.

I am grateful for good fortune.

Love,

Me.

7.07 pm

Journal 19.12.2025 9.33 pm what should i do?

Dear Journal,

After about eight hours of staying sobre I smoked two cigarettes and then another one. And i've been battling the urge ever since. I just downed three Halls. Halls has become so chewey and gooey.

Any addiction eats away at the very fabric of life. Today's sobriety showed me that.

I just chanted wholeheartedly and ate my dinner and am down to write this.

Pa worries me. He has become so quiet. I hope he is happy. I love my dad.

There is an urge to go up and grab some coins and buy a cigarette to be honest. I don't want to take udhaar.

What should i do?

I am feeling:

A heartache

A little irritable

Reasonably happy

Not too happy with the progress i made at the workfront today. I had a narcolepsy like feeling in the afternoon and dosed and woke up only for the Nica meeting.

There is a little emptiness within me. I don't know why.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.40 pm

Journal 19.12.2025 1.00 pm confessions of a nicotine addict and so grateful for Nica

Dearest Journal,

I woke up in the morning from deep sleep. It seems like i am recovering from something, sleep is so deep. I vaguely remember the dream i spoke about earlier with Arun and have forgotten the longer sequence of the dream.

The first thing in Nicotine Anonymous is to accept that one is an addict. The most important thing is to believe in a higher power and surrender to it.

There is a 12 step programme that i am trying to get familiar with. A nice pahadi looking gentleman shared all the literature with me last night after our meeting. Also one has to keep attending meetings even after quitting for support during recovery.

There is a meet on the 31st of Jan that i would like to attend.

I smoked my last cigarette a while ago. YoNa called me up and spoke about his journey of smoking. He also asked me to apply to HT. But ShiCha is there and also the newsroom stresses. Let's see. I have the Eaxs job in Jan.

I should do that dilligently.

I haven't put up Tarot videos for 2 weeks. Somehow it just didn't happen with me PMSing. Then today i have the Nica meeting, tomorrow I'm going out for a movie and then on Sunday i have the zadankai. I also have to pack for my Delhi Agra trip. I don't think i have any sweaters anymore.

The prayer in Nica is:

Dear God please give me the serenity to accept those things that are beyond my control.

Please give me the strength and courage to change the things I can.

And please give me the wisdom to differentiate between the two.

(My addition:) Dearest God, thank you for giving me the courage to live free of nicotine.

I think I'll recover today now that I've quit and do Tarot readings from Monday.

In life one must accept reality and be content, otherwise it brings unhappiness not just to oneself but also to others.

DuMa was a little rude to me today. I was so taken aback that I didn't know what to say.

I want to mainly quit smoking:

For sobriety

For money (i could have bought a house by now. Also abominable things like borrowing money from A, mom to smoke is stupid, very stupid.)

For health

For self respect

For time

For taste

For strength

I believe in a higher power and it is guiding me and nourishing me. I believe in God and i believe in myself.

It's despicable to be an addict. And i have faced addiction for 20 years. I look forward to my sobriety. I look forward to a life free of nicotine.

I am feeling:

Super hopeful 

Free

Happy

A little bit stressed

Eager to attend the Nica meeting today

Ma will be the happiest if i successfully quit which i will!

No colas, no cigarettes, no bondage.

Now i feel like going down for a walk but i wont. I'll sit and check my mail. I hope i can go through the Delhi trip without cigarettes.

I am grateful for Nicotine Anonymous.

I am grateful for God and God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for work.

I am grateful for the money that i have, for the food that i eat and for the shelter over my head.

I am grateful for all the people who adorn my life, especially Ma, Pa, Buro and Arun.

I am grateful for my clothes.

I am grateful for my warm personality.

I am wearing my shiny black tank top with blue trousers.

This morning i chanted, meditated and did pranayam and i did my full sequence of yoga with Hoshi T watching me and talking to me.

When i get a craving:

I am supposed to wait for 20 minutes.

Start getting busy with something.

Drink water

And do deep breathing.

I can also do a few yoga asanas.

Dear God, please give me the strength to be nicotine free and guide me, Ma, Pa, Buo, A and all my friends to make the most of each moment. Thank you for everything!

Love,

Me.

1.30 pm

Journal 19.12.2025 8.25 am a dream about mutilation

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that Arun was breaking up with me and i was completely mutilating a large object that was made of silvery steel and was powder red, blue and silver.

DeJh is messaging me.

I hope to have a good day today.

I am in the garden to do my meditation, chanting, pranayam and yoga.

I am feeling:

A little lost

Happy

Peaceful

Calm

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

May Arun, Ma, Pa and Chotto have a great day!

I am eager to quit smoking.

Love,

Me.

8.29 am

Journal 18.12.2025 8.40 pm it's been a good day

Dear Journal,

Today i started the day a little lackadaisically. I chanted, i meditated and did two yoga asanas. I could do more you know.

This PMS this time left me feeling so alone and depressed. And i woke up with that feeling. I saw a dream where Theory of Madness was being discussed.

After my session in the garden i cleaned my room while doing oil pulling. Then i had a bath. I planned to wear Ma's long black skirt with a black top but as i was preparing to bathe i called RJhav for some numbers and he asked to meet me.

So i bathed and wore my long black dress. I felt that my pulse rate was high so i lay down for about 18 minutes after having three huge cups of tea. I have to tell DuMa to make less tea.

Then i applied a little bit of foundation, a touch of lipstick and kajal, wore my new earrings, combed my hair and left to meet RJhav.

I met Himesh Reshamiya there and some other actors and spoke to RJhav.

RJhav told me that many people start their acting career at 40 but i shouldn't say no to bold roles because these days the trend and content demands it. He asked me to be mentally strong when i complained about the casting couch.

We then had coffee and i left.

I called up DeJh and spoke to him for about an hour. He asked me to make efforts towards my dreams. For some reason he keeps telling me to do speech and drama classes. Now many people give me their opinion but i wish they would not. It crowds the mind with unwarranted ideas.

I missed the 5 o clock Smokers Anonymous meeting and spoke to another casting director in the meantime who said he would meet me.

Tomorrow before i check my mail i'll do a small recording, just for fun to practice acting.

Then i chanted for over half an hour and by that time it was almost 8.

I left for a walk and went and met Bha. He talks crap but he is some connection.

Now there is a Smokers Anonymous meeting at 9.30. Hopefully i can attend that.

My priorities:

Mental and physical health: regular practice of yoga, meditation, pranayam and chanting and working on my self-belief, self confidence and motivation.

Career and money: Each day moving closer to my goals and making efforts no matter how liminal.

Connection: Connecting with those in my life in a harmonious manner and cherishing connection.

Experiences: Travel and gaining experiences of wonderful myriad kinds.

Im sitting on the building bench at the moment and the mosquitoes are devouring me and my cat, the old one, is sitting snuggling me. The kids are all playing about me and being generally naughty.

Whatever i've prayed to God ive always got. Even the current state of my life is an answer to my prayers. But i don't want this limbo anymore.

Hope Arun is well-- i bless him with good luck, good fortune, good health and good experiences and the realisation of all his dreams.

I want my health to support me all through my life and i want to live my life independently without troubling a soul in life and in death.

It's exactly 9 pm.

I'm feeling:

Itchy from mosquito bites

Grateful that my period is over. This was tough.

Happy

Peaceful

Loving

Pretty because i'm wearing my lenses.

I love this new long black dress. I'm so grateful that Ma bought it for me.

Oh, and i also bumped into Kailash Kher and we greeted each other and spoke a bit.

I am grateful that my morning routine is back.

I am grateful for the people who adorn my life like RJhav, DeJh, Bha, Arun, my sweet cute parents, my brother and all those i know.

I'm grateful for my loving heart, beautiful mind, sturdy body and expansive soul.

I am grateful for the food I eat, the shelter over my head and the money in my kitty and for that i'm immensely grateful to my parents.

I am grateful that DuMa and Madhuri serve us so dilligently and professionally.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for my health and my body.

I am supergrateful for Arun and all the ways he's there.

I am grateful for my Delhi Agra trip.

I am grateful for books and movies and music.

I am grateful for my hands that do the work of love and my feet that tread in love.

I am grateful for clothes.

I am grateful for my Delhi Agra trip. It should be good.

I am grateful for the Tarot.

I am grateful for my phone, my laptop, for the internet and for technology.

Love,

Me.

9.09 pm

Journal 11.54 am 18.12.2025 a little edgy

Dear Journal,

It is 14 days to the New Year.

I woke up around 8 today and was on the mat by 8.40.

I am frankly feeling a little edgy. I had full intentions to do my Tarot readings today but RJ the casting director wants to meet me.

In the morning I didn't do a lot of asanas but i did chant, meditate and do pranayam. 

Frankly, i'm missing A.

I hope RJ works something out for me.

I'm wearing my long black Cotton World dress.

I think i'll sit and pray now. There is no electricity.

I am feeling:

A tad dull

A little edgy

Full of love

Kind of happy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.01 pm

Journal 17.12.2025 9.07 pm this period was a rollercoaster

Dearest Journal,

I've been meaning to update you all day. There are so many things to write.

Firstly, i'm just back from Suma's place after a study meeting and am sitting on the building bench. A young impoverished boy tried to follow me in and asked for my number. Polite that i am i tried very hard to get away from him.

Then a police officer i've met a few times stopped me in the middle of the road. He was with his wife and cute little daughter. He offered to buy me pani puri. He is a sweet sort of man. I politely declined. He was curious about what i'm up to in life. I told him that I'll update him later.

Then Bha followed me from somewhere and asked if i want coffee. We smoked a few cigarettes and i told him it's too late to have coffee. A cat is snuggling me at the moment and wants to play with me. I love this cat. She is literally all over me.

Then some man who introduced himself to me as Jeetu stopped me in the middle of the road and tried to engage me in talk. Whew! What is really happening! Isn't that a lot to process dear journal?

Today is the last day of my period and it's been a real rollercoaster. I had a major arising for over a week and found it difficult to work. Today just flashed by. I thought a lot, a lot about Arun. I know i'll always, ALWAYS love him.

It's foolish i realised today to expect anything. Sometimes my heart burns, sometimes i'm all over the place when it comes to him.

And yes, today i attended my first Smoker's Anonymous meeting. It was in Hindi. I shared my journey. It's so difficult to quit cigarettes.

Oh yes, also RaTi invited himself over for coffee and was encouraging me towards my career. He told me to focus on one thing. I feel like i'm literally all over the place! 

I miss Arun, i love him but he doesn't reply to my messages, doesn't call me up, doesn't.... yet, the heart yearns for him. There is real, pure love there for him.

Now i'll smoke a cigarette and chant and sleep.

May tomorrow be a far more productive day. I am such an honest person!!!! Really truthful! You make me better dear journal. This cat licked me just now. She is so cute!!!! Shona cat....

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Sweet

Happy

Calm

Realistic

Happy that i tided through this PMS so well without support.  Well, DeJh came and met me. If he hadn't it would have been far worse. So i'm truly grateful for that.

Simple

Ambitious

Clear-headed

I just met Jatin and his wife Kaveri.

I am grateful for these beautiful cats in the building, especially the cat snuggling me at the moment.

I'm grateful for food. I've also lost my appetite and have been skipping meals. I did not eat lunch today.

I am grateful for money.

I am grateful for Smoker's Anonymous.

I am grateful for my Buddhist practice. 

I am grateful for God who guides me and God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for all my friends. I am grateful for Arun.

I am grateful for my parents, my little brother and Sadhya.

And i am super grateful that my Period is over. This was a real rollercoaster!

I am grateful for life's myriad moments.

I am grateful that I'm happy.

Love,

Me.

9.29 pm

Journal 17 12.2025 1.23 pm lazy

Dear Journal,

I am feeling so darned drowsy. I snoozed for about an hour despite sleeping well at night and just got up.

I didn't do yoga today. Instead Omee, Bha and me had coffee and chanted. Bha has changed so much. All of them have quit drinking through Alcoholics Anonymous which is a great thing. There should be something like that for smokers.

I'm missing Arun.

I bought mandeli today which DuMa is just frying.

Yesterday GoSi clicked some lovely pics of me. I shared a few on social media.

My priorities in order are:

Mental and physical health

Career and money

Connection and happiness of myself and others

I am feeling:

Full of love

Missing Arun (why isn't he meeting me?)

Reasonably happy

Lazy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.33 pm

Journal 16.12.2025 10.57 am lovelorn

 Dear Journal,

I woke up at 7.30 today. Ma is seeing cobwebs in her eyes. I hope it's not too serious.

I saw Arun in my dreams. These days I always find myself talking to him in my dreams. Then I saw Pa. I gave him 1500 rupees in my dreams.

I finished the Eaxs application process and am now listening to instrumental music after a long time. I also watched a little bit of Sweet Soul. Her process seems wishy washy but she says things so convincingly that they seem true.

I miss Arun. I wish I could call him for a bit each day. But I'm so scared that would bug him. 

I wish I hadn't misplaced the Arundhati Roy book.

Yesterday Bha said he wants to have coffee with me today but I declined.

Now I'll get on with my day. GoSi will be here soon.

I am feeling:

Happy

Lovelorn

Intimacy-deficient

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings in my life.

Love,

Me.

11.07 am

Do you know what you've done?

My heart was whole and shining and beautiful

As a golden earthenware overflowing with honey for you

And you chipped away at my vessel and i in frustration

Crushed it to shards and if i could believe you,

You would pick up the pieces

And only you could magically

Make it whole again

And pour into it sweet nectar

That needs some filling.

I need the magic,

I need the honey,

I do.

Journal 15.12.2025 7.23 pm i think love evolves

Dearest Journal,

My mind is a quagmire of sorts. I don't want to fantasize about Arun, i don't want to idealize him and i don't want to expect anything from him because im very scared of getting hurt, hurt that I've been. Truthfully, i still love him. I may still be in love with him. It's a soft kind of definite feeling of affection and respect, a deep sense of affection and respect and love that ive been left with after 5 months of not meeting him, apart from the time we bumped into each other. I think i'm still in love with him but i don't want to raise the bar even though i know i won't crash and fall this time.

So let me take you through my day.

I did my chanting, meditation and yoga in the garden today and then as i was oil pulling i watched Armaan's tarot videos, the 777 videos and a little of Sweet Soul. Even as i was doing it i felt that i was making a huge colossal mistake.

Because the other day Chat Gpt told me that if you want to create work like be an actor, writer, Tarot content creator you should not consume any content before putting at least half an hour of creating your own content at the start of the day. It's a scientifically-tested method for productivity for creative people.

The rule has been working well for me.

So when i sat and pored through the Tarot videos i knew I'd lost the day.

Then i quickly had a bath and went to meet See Dhi. What i realised talking to her is that she has faced such immense dissatisfaction in life but she is yet so compassionate. We discussed Autism, Puneeta m'am, her cats. I was feeling really low during the meeting. And i hope i didn't come across as too blunt.

Then i came home and ate lunch and attended the E axs meeting.

And then i was feeling so low. I was feeling so deprived of affection and intimacy and when i looked into the mirror i realised that my eyes were very sad and that made me even more sad.

I just didn't feel like working on anything today. The lack of love and intimacy and the fact that i probably won't move on from Arun made me very desolate.

I haven't had sex in 6 years and i can't be with anybody but A. I don't want any other guy, nice that they are.

I thought of writing about it in my journal. I had sent Arun messages today. Then instead of writing about it i mustered the courage to call the horse up and discuss it with him.

From the horse's mouth i was told to be strong and love myself. Then i told Arun that i still love him. I do. He is sho sho sho cute, sho shweet and sho charming. He is my delight, he is my cake and he is my cream.

I don't know how he took the conversation but he is one of the few people i can talk to, someone i feel is emotionally intelligent, he is someone who gets me and his words and advice always seem reasonable to me unlike a De Jh who is sweet but a tad condescending.

Arun is a friend. And the most important thing in any kind of relationship is to be able to be friends. I told Arun I'm not in love with him by which i meant i don't fantasize about him anymore. I don't. I've made a deliberate attempt at it.

But if you adore someone so much that you could devour them and if you sometimes miss smelling them means being in love then realistically speaking, i must be in love with him. I love him. Let's just settle it at that. I'm not confused. I'm just at the threshold of getting out of immense loneliness and pain.

Arun was in the middle of work so when he wanted to go back to it i didn't bug him.

EAxs wants to work with me and i have to reply to their mail.

I think i'll go take a walk.

I have to reply to the mail and prepare my clothes for tomorrow.

I am feeling:

Immense heartache

Love

Happiness

Happy that i actually spoke to Arun. I so adore him, i so love this man. He is a rockstar! I love talking to him.

Two things to do this evening after my walk and chanting.

From tomorrow i won't consume any content before creating.

May the night fall gently upon me.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.56 pm

Journal 15.12.2025 7.55 am a weird dream again

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that Arjun, Shagun, Ra Ti and may be Arun and Na too were doing a recce for a film and arranging a room for a shot by clamming up the whole space with lots of junk.

There was a small pan stall from where i was supposed to buy pan.
Finally i was supposed to sleep with Ra Ti and i tell him that he should also pleasure me; it shouldn't be about just me pleasuring him and then i pleasure myself. Then i woke up. This reminds me of the times spent with A.

Somehow everytime i think about Arun the image of him wiggling on the dance floor comes to mind.

Yesterday i thought about my emotional state when related to Arun. On the face of it it seems like I've moved on. It has been over 5 months since we met.

But if i could (if it wouldn't bug A) i would still love to kiss him, smell him, hold his hand, put my finger up his nose and tell him that he is the cutest, which he is.

M Scott Speck writes in his book that even after the act of falling in love one may feel that the feeling has disappeared as i feel these days and that one has fallen out of love. But love is discipline and consistency. Baaton Baaton mein a couple doesnt need to worry, the flames of love can be ignited again.

Elton John: "It aint no sacrifice/when things go wrong/ and the scent of her lingers/temptation's strong/into the boundary/of each married man/ sweet deceit comes calling/ and negativity lands/cold cold heart/hard done by you...." heart hard done by you. Unless a couple has irreparable differences they should not separate.

I wish more people read Peck.

I don't know what to make of my dream.

I am feeling:

Alone

Lonely

Missing Arun

Now ill do yoga.

Im grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8 07 pm

Ps: i think it's the thought that Arun has probably slept with someone that made it easier to get closure.

8.08 am

Ps: What i feel is that once in love one should not chase the feeling. The feeling passes, the feeling is in flux. One should chase consistency. It's consistency and trust that build lasting relationships. The feeling will come, the feeling will go. Frankly, right now there is no feeling in me for quite some time but there is consistency in my vision-- that Arun is cute, sweet and loveable.

1 50 pm

Journal 14.12.2025 6.58 pm I'm not ready to date

Dear Journal,

I think I had a day of momentum. I smoked quite a bit. I spent the morning writing my novel. I made Ma read what I've written so far. Even though i am a harsh self critic Ma said it's pretty good. I was kind of relieved because i take her as a real connaisseur of good literature and also one of my best critics.

All through my life if anyone has influenced my writing it is the writers i have read and Ma.

She made me simplify my poetry, encouraged me to write stories. I am who i am thanks to her. And more importantly, i am the writer i am thanks to her.

Then GoSi was supposed to come at 2 but he landed at 3.30. He picked my red dress, blue And dress, Black long dress and a green and golden saree to wear.

I wrote my novel till he came and we quickly wrapped up the meeting because i was supposed to meet JoCo.

I was late by 16 minutes for JoCo. We sat at Third Wave and yapped a bit. And then i suggested to him that we go to the beach.

He loves spending time alone, he said. He is a reader and is currently devouring Manga.

I realise that i am not ready to date anyone new. I am alright with friends like De Jh and A Alam who i meet sometimes. I am focusing on career and money mentally. I told JoCo that that i don't want to date anybody. I don't know how he took it.

He is a nice Roman Catholic guy who had an energy of edginess but he calmed down when we were at the beach.

He told me that we should definitely visit Heng Bok.

Then DeJh messaged me that he is getting hospitalised and i came home and called him up. I think i'll go meet him at the hospital soon.

Then PadRa messaged that she wants to meet me in Bandra. Now i find her a little depressed. I told her I'll meet her once I'm back from Delhi. She is a cool scuba diving girl.

Through meeting JoCo i was conscious of my feet and amid his chattiness i found myself quiet and introverted, introvert that i am.

I wonder how A is. Hope he is well. I won't call him up anytime soon. I kind of missed him with a sense of emptiness and closure as i sat with JoCo watching the sunset.

If there is anything this year has taught me it is to sit with all my feelings, pleasant and unpleasant. It has taught me to face myself, through pain and loss. Arun has been a rockstar support system. This year has also taught me to be grateful and the value of contentment and harmony.

While Pa has become acerbic my relationship with Ma has vastly improved. 

Now, i'll sit and chant, write for half an hour and read. I just can't find the Arundhati Roy book so I've started reading the child psychology book that Sadhya gifted me.

Her parents have come down for her father's treatment. I'll face them with confidence and grace.

Given that I'm shooting on Tuesday and have a meeting tomorrow and also have to go to meet DeJh i think I'll shoot Tarot videos on Wednesday.

I had a reasonably good day.

I am so grateful that i made headway with my novel and that Ma liked it.

I am grateful that i met GoSi today who seems like a really nice guy.

I am so grateful to have met JoCo who seemed more like he wants to date me. I hope we can be friends. 

Ma has gone for Bollywood International Film Festival and is enjoying herself with Sadhya's mom. I'm so grateful that i told my film buff mother about the festival.

I am grateful that i had a yummy prawn curry, chorchori with dal and lal shaag fry with Mawa kachori and sweets for lunch. Lunch was really yum.

JoCo said that he has never had so much fun in a long time. Hmmm... that means i am good to talk to and I'm so grateful for that.

I am grateful for my friends, my brother, Sadhya and my family.

I am grateful for my friends. I am grateful for Arun. I had an amazing two years knowing him. He is a sweetheart and i used to call him my sweetest heart. He is still one of my favourite people. No JoCo can even come close to him. I really really hope he is fine. Deep down I'll always love him.

I am grateful that my mind is clear.

I am grateful that i dyed my hair today. I'll go for a pedicure tomorrow.

I am grateful that my cold has disappeared.

I am grateful that i pray for myself and i pray for others.

I am grateful for the food i eat, the shelter over my head and the money that i earn and have. So grateful for that.

I am grateful for my parents' and brother's support.

I am grateful for my life, my good health and good spirits.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for each moment of life with all its people and all its experiences.

Now, ill sit and chant.

Love,

Me.

7 34 pm

Journal 14.12.2025 8.08 am a weird dream

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where i was betrothed to Na. At one point i was surrounded by holograms.

I also saw Buo and Pa in the dream at a time way into the future. The details of the dream are unclear. We invented something or discovered something in the dream.

Today i have to dye my hair, get a pedicure. I have AvGo, JoCo and GoSi to meet today. It's a packed day ahead for me.

May i make the most of this day today. May i seize the day!

I am feeling:

Brow furrowed

Happy

A little anxious

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.13 am

Journal 13.12.2025 7.22 pm clarity is back

Dearest Journal,

After waking up in the morning I took some time to sit and meditate and chant. It took me a while to focus because i thought the weather was cold, clammy and gloomy.

I finally meditated for half an hour and chanted for 10, 15 minutes.

It seems like there is a worm in my brain that has caught hold of me.

My dream of Arun saw me reminiscing of him and i sent him a message.

But then as i was going to Third Wave to meet DeJh and his cousin RaJh i told myself to be realistic and snapped out of it.

I had a great meeting with DeJh and RaJh and we were joined by a girl called Pixie and her mother. Girls meet directors with their mothers! My mother expects me to navigate this world on my own and i'm so grateful for that.

We wrapped up the meeting by 4 and i came home and had some khichdi.

I thought deeply and in a disciplined manner about what kind of a woman i want to be, what kind of a career do i want, what kind of a man i want. I've never thought with so much clarity ever. Usually my thoughts before were guided by my emotions and daydreams.

ChatGpt has made my thinking clearer.

I then called up Shanky and then his cousin KuAr who is now working as a DoP. I went to meet KuAr at Sathe's. He convinced me to shoot a portfolio with one of his friends. I've known KuAr for years now and i really like him as a person. He is so much more focused than Shanky. He bemoaned the state of politics in the country.

I fixed a meeting with the photographer after that who said he would try his best.

I got so much clarity today about my future. I don't want to end up as a Tarot reader. But i do want to be a writer and an actress into my old age. And i realised i don't mind being with a man who already has children. Being with Arun taught me that. I love children of all ages. I love being a source of love, hope and encouragement to all.

I also realised that the relationship with Arun is behind me. While i still love him for the person he is i am not attached anymore, i am not clinging, i am not dreaming and that probably gave me the clarity i got today.

ChatGpt has eaten up into my prospects as a content writer but it is probably one of my best friends. But like all friends you can't depend on it always.

DeJh told me today that I am super talented-- All i need is focus. Yes, he is right. He is very sweet.

I havent shot Tarot videos this week because i was feeling so darned gloomy till DeJh met me day before yesterday.

I'll dye my hair tomorrow and go for a pedicure. If i want to be an actress i have to take care of myself. Focus, discipline, honour and love.

Also, i mustn't write on social media too much. That is too stupid!!!!!! Argh!!!!!! I'm on the path of growth.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Focused

Clear

Pretty

I am grateful to have a friend like DeJh and a friend like Arun and a friend like Qud (who i will message now).

I am grateful that i met RaJh today.

I am grateful for the clarity i got today. May my thinking become clearer.

I am grateful that i found my ambition back today. I don't know what happened to me in the last few years. I had lost my self confidence. I am building it again.

I am grateful for my wardrobe.

I am grateful for my parents and my little brother and Sadhya.

I am grateful for this journal, my phone and the internet.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life and the lives of all i love.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for chanting, meditation and yoga.

Today i feel that my old self-belief is back and i am so grateful for it.

I bless my brother-- May he be the happiest, healthiest, most prosperous, safe, secure, full of love and surrounded by goodness and peace. I love him.

Love,

Me.

8.01 pm

Journal 13.12.2025 8.43 am a dream

Dear Journal,

I slept for a longish time.

I had a dream that Arun and I had broken up and Arun was trying to convince me that we should get back together.

I've been sleeping till really late.

No job is too big or small. All jobs are worthy of respect. With that in mind i should really dive into this job hunt spree.

When the circumstances are dire good things follow when you try. And all jobs come with their experience.

Today i have to give the podcast test and meet De Jh and his cousin.

Now i'll sit and chant and meditate and do some yoga.

I woke up around 8.25. That's really late!

Hard work is required in all fields.

I am feeling:

A little lost

Sad with a tinge of happiness

A little forlorn

Sweet

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.52 am

Journal 12.12.2025 7.09 pm A Roy reminds me of me

Dear Journal,

Everyhwere amidst the rich and the poor there are good and bad people. Arun used to say that he is a bad person but compared to the masses he is a really good guy. Who doesn't have flaws? He is much better than the average Joe.

Having said that Arun seems like a dream from a long time ago, something that happened a long time ago.

My hormones are fluctuating and I've been feeling really negative and a tad aggressive. To face each moment to the best of one's ability is the trick.

How can i add value to this moment? How can i help someone now?

In Arundhati Roy's memoir she talks about regularly drinking with the watchman of her college and her neighbours in Nizamuddin, her friend Carlos, her sexual escapades, her mother's unmotherliness etc.

That reminds me of my own life. My drinking sessions with Su, drinking coffee with Bha, having rum and coke with my driver at Asian Age. I can't really reject good people. Having said that Susha and P Dass give me positively bad vibes. Especially Susha with his blood shot eyes, manipulation and lies. Compared to that Su and Bha are so much better.

I got two interview calls for short term projects today. But alas! Im travelling to Delhi. Let's see how it goes.

I have to teach Angsh Omee how to chant. Mostly i'll do that tomorrow.

I think I am over Arun. I am no more longing for him. But there is a residual fondness that i think will never die, the remnants of memorable times.

I'm in no hurry to find someone. When someone nice comes along I'll know. PA pa was a really nice guy.

Today Ma fell asleep while she was talking to a student so she came home to snooze. She has just woken up and was chanting a while ago.

Someone kept white chocolate in the hall and i gobbled all of it.

Tomorrow i have to meet De Jh and his cousin. Hope the meeting goes well.

Last night i saw Arun in a kind of longish dream but i snoozed for so long after the dream that I don't remember it. I think he was wearing off-white in the dream.

I am feeling:

Like my forehead is furrowed and heavy

Happy

Loving

Benevolent

Ambitious in a realistic sort of way

Self-protective

Accommodative 

The anxiety of the past week has eased

I am grateful for the food i eat, the shelter i have and the money i have.

I am grateful for tea and coffee.

I am grateful for the white chocolates i gobbled.

I am grateful for Ma, Pa, Buo bacha and Sadhya.

I am grateful for all my friends.

I am grateful that i am in momentum.

I am grateful for my wardrobe.

I am grateful for the movie i watched today.

I am grateful that Arun and I are on talking terms.

I am grateful for the internet and all my devices.

I am grateful that i am going to Delhi and Agra.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for de Jh's friendship.

I think it's been a week since I've read. Now i'll just sit and read.

Love,

Me.

7.33 pm

Journal 12.12.2025 2 03 pm why do i feel this way?

Dearest Journal,

What can i say! For the past one week my mind has been crowded with negative thoughts as if someone's buri nazar is on me.

I woke up at around 7.48 today and did my chanting and left for BIFF where i met Ra Ti and Yashpal Sharma.

I watched their movie Amho Aana Ek Se which is about a tribal woman fighting for tribal rights in Maharashtra.

I fell in love with the woman --An old woman who passed away recently whose work has affected state politics.

So many people perseveare in so many different ways. Tribal rights is something very close to my heart because i served in Talasari when i was in Xaviers, helping tribal students.

All these negative thoughts have been affecting me ever since I met Susha. I should really stay away from all these men. They are bad.

Now i have some work. So i'll eat lunch and do that. And im planning to get back onto the job hunt bandwagon. I have to. This limbo can't go on.

If i get the time i'm planning to paint a phoenix today.

I am feeling:

A little negative

Happy

Plain

Loving

Benevolent

Grateful that i watched a beautiful movie today. If De Jh is up for it i'll take him to BIFF tomorrow. It should be fun!

May i make the most of today.

I am grateful for this blessed body.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for my rockstar family.

I am grateful for my rockstar friends.

I am grateful that Ra Ti invited me for BIFF. I enjoyed the movie.

I am grateful for my blessed benevolent mind.

I am grateful for my wardrobe.

I am grateful for chanting, meditation and yoga.

I am grateful for this beautiful day.

I am grateful for my family and my good health.

I am grateful for good fortune.

May i seize the day!

Love,

Me.

2.19 pm

Journal 11.12.2025 10.06 pm i am happy single

Dear Journal,

This week i felt really depressed. I went down today and meditated and chanted and did a few asanas despite waking up late.

Then P Dass called. I told him that i am not ready to do any readings with him. He tried to convince me a bit but he is basically a conman.

Then i was feeling so alone that i called up De Jh. I can't call Arun so many times na.

De Jh said i was sounding so gloomy that he would come and meet me. We met in the evening. This whole week has gone by like a dream.

I burst into tears as i was talking to him and told him about my struggles in my career, my struggles with mental health, about how i still love Arun.

He chastised me for smoking cigarettes and spoke about the struggles in his own life. I saw him in a new light today as someone who is kind and compassionate with a large heart.

Then i came home and chanted. As i was chanting i realised that i should stay away from Su, Bha, anshu Omee, Susha, P Dass... they are not good guys even though they talk sweetly. Bolne ke liye to everyone is sweet to the face. To protect myself i should stay away from such men.

I really don't want to sleep with anyone. I want to purify my senses. I'll always keep the memory of Arun alive in my heart.

De Jh and i decided that on Saturday we would go to meet his friend and go for a movie.

I'm prepared to be single in the long run. It's better than mixing in the wrong company.

Tomorrow Ra Ti has a screening at the Bombay International Film Festival. I hope i wake up in time so that i can be there.

Just because one feels the urge doesn't mean that one has to follow it. I am better off without a guy.

May i always be surrounded by good friends.

Now i'll pray a bit more.

I am feeling:

Happy

Healthy

Benevolent

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my heart.

Love,

Me.

10 20 pm

Journal 11.12.2025 9.06 am a elaborate dream

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that i was from a privileged family in the middle of a war. In the dream Arun and i were together.

It was a long elaborate dream that i dont remember but what i remember is that K aunty was talking to two women and i shit in public. K aunty chides me for it but one of the other women comes and tells me that i did the right thing.

Then i saw the villains in the war being snuffed out and killed with stone.

I was privileged to be able to take walks in the middle of the war. It was a long dream whose details i don't remember.

I'm confused. Ive woken up late. Should i go down to do yoga?

I dont think ill be paying P Dass for a year's consulatation fees. He is bugging me with messages.

I have a lot of work today. I think ill go down.

Love,

Me 

9.12 am

Journal 10.12.2025 5 pm i have to move

Dear Journal,

I've had a funny day.

I went with SuSha to JW Marriott to meet one of his friends. I ended up eating lunch there. The last time I'd been there was with Tho and Mehsa to Enigma.

Through the whole lunch date i realised a couple of things-- I must let A go. I see him in my dreams with a slim lady in her 50s.

Secondly, it's time i quit smoking. It really is. I have no cigarettes with me at the moment so I have to let it go.

I need focus in my life, a sense of discipline, a sense of moving forward no matter what.

I am down with a bad cold. So i'm headed to Dr Shinde at the moment.

Then i'll come back home and read and write.

It's been a week since i've done yoga.

May smoking be behind me.

A blessing to me: May I be absolutely happy with high life condition. May I be prosperous, safe, secure and full of love. May good fortune and good luck shine on me. So be it.

And may these blessings shine on all around me.

I am feeling:

Happy

Drowsy

A little stuck

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

5.11 pm

Journal 10.12.2025 8.06 am feeling cold

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where i messaged four maids. Hmmm.

Im sitting in the garden to do meditation and yoga but i just don't feel like it. It is so cold and i'm down with a cold.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

8.08 am

Journal 9 12.2025 8 24 pm one should not trust Chatgpt

Dearest Journal,

Im still in love with Arun, deeply so. I wish i had not sent him that mail.

One should not trust Chatgpt. It's just artificial inelligence; it's not the truth.

I don't want Arun to find anyone else because i can't be with anyone but him.

It's been such a long time since i've had a whiff of him. I really miss him and i often find myself longing for him.

I never lied to him-- i did always love him more.

He ish shooo cute... the cutest guy in the whole world! I really miss him a lot! A lot, it's unimaginable to be with anybody else with these feelings for him.

I slept after lunch. Lunch saw jhinge posto and pabda maach.

I dosed for over three hours and then went to meet See Dhi.

I'm down with a bad cold. This new drink Cloud 9 is addictive.

I hope i sleep well tonight. I'll go down for a walk now, then chant. This past one week has been a whirr.

What i really want at this point in my life is to make love to Arun .... and to work hard.

I really want that. And i really want to smell him unperfumed... my shona pie... my sweetest pie.... a thousand kisses to him... infinite kisses to him...

I'll be so heartbroken if in life i have to be with somebody else... i love Love LOVE my Arun.... my baby...

I am feeling:

A whole lot of love

Groggy from the cold

Happy

Missing Arun so deeply... i wish i could call him... i wish i could tell him i still love him... i do, i really really do

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Somehow, at some point i gave Arun my whole heart and i miss him.

Love,

Me 

8 39 pm

Journal 9.12 2025 1 53 pm i still love him so

Dear Journal,

I just wrapped up a call with Arun about half an hour back. I still love him so deeply. There is simply no reason behind it. It's just that he is perfect just the way he is.

I have been spending far too much time on my phone. So i'm planning a digital detox today for myself.

Even though i was supposed to shoot Tarot videos today i won't do that because tomorrow i have to go to meet somebody and there would be no continuity.  So i'll shoot my Tarot videos on Thursday and Friday.

Today i'll spend the day reading and writing and stay away from my phone.

I am so grateful that Arun called me up. He sounded groggy. I simply love talking to him.

I hope he is fine. I bless him-- may his work go exceedingly well and may he be the happiest human. May he be healthy and prosperous and may goodness greet him wherever he steps foot.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

2 pm

Journal 9.12.2025 10.22 am life is a marvel

Dear Journal,

Last night i just didn't get sleep till 5 am. Then i finally fell asleep. My brain was on an overdrive.

This morning i woke from a dream where i saw two women in authority giving me instructions. 

I was so flummoxed. Arun told me yesterday that he was in Pune. And i had a dream a few nights back that he was in Pune!

I love him.

The brain is a marvel. Life is a marvel! My mind is a bigger marvel!

Love,

Me.

10 25 am

fighting petulance

Sometimes, just sometimes

The petulance hits me

And i mope and whine

And then an inner voice

Assures me quietly

That all my boohooing

Was for nothing

And i reform myself

To come closer to you

In all beauty,

All glory,

Winning once again

Your whole being

And therein

Lies my victory. 

Whole

I think i foresaw the worst

But i am becoming,

Nestled in the forest of trees

With milk and honey and cream.

And you are so sallow

And from up there i can't see you

And i come down to greet you

And kiss you and love.

After all of it,

After all the things i said,

After all the tears

And all the accusations,

Will you still have me, please?

You will!!!!

My heart knows no bounds

Against your voice's sonorous sounds,

You are so sweet to smell, 

So mellow to touch

And i am becoming,

More me,

More us,

Whole.

Journal 8.12.2025 9.03 pm feeling sad

Dear Journal,

Today after a long time i'm feeling really heartbroken, really out of love. I feel intuitively but quite definitely that Arun has found someone else.

He is a very very sweet person, a gem of a person but he wasn't really available for me. He did not come for Buro's wedding, he did not come for my play. But i have many fond memories with him.

Watching Animal at home over Salami and pork, going to Madh Island and eating fish, listening to his stories, making out with him in a rickshaw, his smell, his eyes held pain sometimes, softness sometimes, and him telling me i made him very shy... that was so sweet... i would have loved to have more opportunities to make him shy, him talking about his death, his slash marks on his hands that i always wanted to kiss, him combing my hair, his laughter, me putting my finger through his nose, kissing him on his cheek just so that i could smell him... they are all just moments in memory, moments i wish i could relive.

The first time we kissed i was so drunk in Irish House but i don't regret it, he sitting in Raj Palace telling me he loves me and me saying: "What nonsense!" The waiter at Raj Palace saying: "Madam inke saath jhagda mat karo. Aap dono ko dekhkar dil ko khushi milti hai." I was really deeply in love with him. Id fallen head over heels in love with him. His bent fingers and his hands that i loved kissing. Him crying thinking about his mother and not letting me listen to the Beatles. Him talking about his daughter the love of his life. For me forever may be Arun was the love of my life.

Im feeling so heartbroken, so broken from within because somehow, for some reason an acceptance has welled up within me that we are never going to go back to being together and that is really heartbreaking.

One should never fall in love with a married man. I wish i could kiss his feet.

This is the death of a fantasy,  the death of a dream and ive had a terrible day of feeling heartbroken.

I really didnt do much today. I just meditated, chatted with a bunch of people and wrote a reflection (a stupid one) on my career to which a few of my friends messaged me, encouraging me not to give up. William said my post was painful but i think he was exaggerating. He was always one to exaggerate.

I wish i had more opportunities to make Arun feel shy and deeply loved. I could sacrifice for him, i could do anything for him but more importantly, despite how i was feeling in the morning, i could hold him and love him devotedly for the rest of my blessed life.

But there is a feeling within, a definitive feeling that it's over, even the on-off phase of it... and im really mourning Arun today, the death of the relationship.

He did not call me up. Will he ever again call me up? He came online so many times yesterday and today but he still didn't dial my number.

Im feeling so sad.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9 23 pm

Ps: i spoke to Arun about an hour ago and he said he would call me back. I really hope to have a good non-disruptive conversation with him.

10.23 pm

How did I come to be here? And if I could do simply anything what would it be? And where am I headed?

When i was a little girl i was considered talented, not beautiful but veritably talented.

Right from studies to singing to athletics to dramatics to elocution to art and painting, except dancing, I did it all.

So how did I come to be here? Struggling as a Tarot consultant, writer and actress.

I studied Life Sciences in college. It wasn't my subject of choice. If given a choice i would have probably studied Psychology or English Literature or Theatre/Acting or Fine Arts.

Despite going on to do my Masters in Life Sciences my career choices saw me carving a niche in Journalism for 12 years where i grew to be deputy news editor.

This taught me that educational choices should really follow the heart. I was a good journalist, considered talented, and i survived the immense pressure without taking vacations for 12 whole years.

But finally, i burnt out. It was the repeated consistent stress with zero social life outside the newsroom and no vacations for 12 years that blummied me. And kaboom! I decided to call it quits.

Even when i started off as a journalist,  when my day ended at 4 or 5 am and started at 12 or 1 pm the next day i kind of knew that with such timings journalism for me was not for the long haul despite the passion. At that time i wanted to find a nice guy, get married, have a few children and settle down.

Two things. Firstly, destiny is such a thing that it can't be erased. There is something like fixed karma that will tide you through life. Secondly, intention defines the entire journey. My intention forewarned me of my fate.

Then, i found theatre and film gigs easily. I was 34 at the time.

In the first month after quitting the newsroom in 2019 when i was seriously engaged with a play i got 26 job offers-- in one month! I don't know what triggered it. I had not applied for any jobs. But it boosted my ego that if i wanted, jobs were all for the asking.

In the few years that followed i did several plays, a few films, a few ads and here i am sitting at the wrong age i think, but still moving, still trying. I also held brief stints in public relations and advertising.

About a decade ago i had started experimenting with Tarot so i also worked briefly for Astro Talk and Astro Sage in the last two years and recently launched my YouTube channel.

I don't know why but i also had meltdowns on social media, found myself in the company of men who i later regretted knowing and also fell in love that led to heartbreak.

If there was one thing i would like to do it would be all three but my preference would lean on writing. With artificial intelligence writing as we knew it (the disciplined, planned, artful, original kind) seems to be dying and much to my chagrin i've bemoaned my fate. And i've been trying to get to the better side of it, using AI to analyse my work, knowing that it is my very formidable competition.

These days i give the odd audition but they are few and far between. My last film was about a year and a half ago and i did two plays recently.

So i increasingly find myself leaning on Tarot to cover my expenses. But i want more, much more.

I know that my meltdowns on social media have affected my reputation and AI has more so. But i move each day; each moment i'm in momentum.

I harbour big dreams and i keep trying. I'm not stationary, i'm in momentum but sometimes caught in inertia. And as i've realised im lazy. After my experiences I've become wary of the kind of company i keep in the film and theatre industry so i barely step out except to meet a few friends.

I just wanted to share my journey today as a self-reflection that i still have hope and i am becoming and that says it all!

Journal 8.12.1025 1.11 pm closure

Dear Journal,

Arun attributes breaking up with me to my mental health. I apologised to him for it.

I attribute it to his lies, his deception, his immaturity (the many girls chasing him), his cheating ways (how he hurts his wife and other women).

There is no going back to him romantically. I've had enough of his avoidance, of him ghosting me, of the drama of the highs and lows. He could have simply called me back yesterday and that would show he honored our friendship.

And how he has moved on to another girl... i think that says it... there is no romantic future with him.

I also know from living life that one must be happy with what one has otherwise it pains us and the people around us. So im happy he exists. Im happy for having experienced this relationship but im tired of being ignored and ghosted.

I wish he was happy with his wife and wasn't always seeking pleasure outside his marriage. Why is he like this? So fleeting,  so shallow, so avoidant!

Im grateful to him for having opened my heart but today as i see it he is not the benchmark of love. Love comes with honesty and trust, both of which he didn't give me.

I don't think there is any future for us but ill keep praying for him as someone i deeply loved. Im feeling so detached from him. I am tired.... and exhausted emotionally.

I really want closure. And i really want to move on.

I really hope he always wears the shirts i bought him because i really love him. I'll wear his clothes.

May he be happy, healthy, prosperous, safe, secure and full of love.

I still care.

I am feeling:

Happy

Heart contracted

Eager for the future

A sense of loss

And finality

And closure

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.25 pm

Journal 8.12.2015 8.44 am out in the cold

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that i was working with a very senior actress. Then i saw a child stuck out all in the cold amid many high rises in the middle of the night in a very posh junkyard kind of place. And the child questions the universe-- when will someone come to save him.

I think the child was me but in the dream it was a little boy that looked like Subbu uncle's son when he was small.

Even i wonder when will someone come to save me.

In the dream the universe was about to answer and i woke up.

Yesterday Arun did not call me back and i sent him a mail and messages accepting closure. I really needed to do that. There was no clarity when we broke up about why, where, when.

I do still love him but i don't think we will ever be together. And i know he has found someone else, which hurts me.

Yesterday i chatted with a guy called JoCo online. Nice guy. We get along well but i won't date him.

Then A Alam came and we played Tarot and then had beer at the beach. I told him about how much i miss Arun. Well, what's not meant to be is not meant to be.

I am feeling:

Happy with a tinge of sadness

A whole lot of love in my heart

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.54 am

Letter to Arun 7.12.2025 1.33 pm it's all alright

Dear Arun,

In one line -- I think i have released you and i am ready for an amicable respectable friendship.

It's been a while since we met and this distance has given me clarity. I feel that the way you treat one woman is the way you treat all women.

The respect, the love, the affection with which you showered me shows the depth of your sweet heart.

More recently, your support of my Tarot channel meant the world to me. Your feedback was well-received and i love you for taking time out and encouraging me. Thank you so much.

I know you are with someone new. I know that you will rule the roost. And i don't want to think about some other person with you. It hurts me.

In a way, I have moved on too. I have released you of romantic intentions.

Yet, sometimes i love listening to your -- it reminds me of your warmth.

I do miss us.

Lastly, im sorry for putting you through all that I did. I do miss you sometimes. I am sad at the fact that things between us will never be romantic ever again. And frankly, i'm eager for the future.

I get proposed to... guys ask me out but they are not the kinds i'd like to date... as in i don't feel i'd ever fall in love with them. So i politely decline but men generally don't take rejection well.  So those once friendships are lost.

So i am here-- all alone with my family and a few pals,  living each moment the way i can best.

And most importantly, i've forgiven you for any hurt you have ever caused me. It was not difficult to do. Will you also please forgive me?

Thank you so much for holding me. Thank you for giving me your best, i'll never forget it. Thank you for everything!  I am proud of you and I'll always have your back no matter what.

There is no point talking about love.

Please take care of yourself. Don't get into fights and be the rockstar you are.

Having said that-- it is over, i understand. I have released you because that was the plan but i still want friendship if that's not too much and please against me don't hold any grudge.

Take care,

Love,

Doel.

Journal 7.12.2025 9.48 am forgiving

Dearest Journal,

I woke up around 8 today and i don't remember any dream. I woke up feeling the sting of aloneness.

Yesterday i decided to forgive Ma, Pa, Buo, Mashi just the way i have forgiven my sexual assaulter and sexual abuser of childhood.

So i sat in dhyana and did that. 

And as i was forgiving so many memories came up-- Mashi unnecessarily belittling me when i was small, Ma accusing me of things that were not my fault. And i realised that till i don't forgive them i won't get anywhere in life.

I have to let go, i have to forgive.

The past is a chain and i wish to unshackle myself. I even sat and forgave Arun.

I don't think he'll ever come back.

I realised a couple of things. One that destiny is such a thing. What would come to pass (as in our fixed karma) can never be erased. And i have assumed this karma, this suffering.

Second that till i don't release myself from this pain i won't get anywhere.

And most importantly, i don't think Ma or Mashi have ever known any other way to be. I don't know why (Dimma wasn't like them) but both of them have a wicked streak.

Yesterday Ma and me went to have dosas and sandwiches near Mithibai College. We then went with So Pa, JaPa and their daughter Piya for strawberry with cream at Shiv Sagar.

I'm meeting A Alam today. If he'd like i'd like another round of strawberry and cream.

I also realised through this whole forgiveness exercise that because ive been treated harshly ever since i was small i overcompensated with love that has now become fawning under pressure. May be that's why i feel so much love in my heart.

Everybody has problems. Everybody wishes that some aspect of their lives be rewritten.

This is my story. One that has seen me locked up, abused, belittled, beaten up and i choose a better future.

Go on fair one, go on,

Let those that lie lie

By the wayside, on the streets

Far away from your greets,

Go on....

I am feeling:

Happy

Lonely

Pained by my past

Now ill chant and get on with my day.

I am grateful that i have a family that supports me.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for my childhood, for my teenage years and my tumultuous adulthood.

I am grateful that i am healing.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for this beautiful blessed life.

The world has seen many atrocities right from the many wars to slavery and discrimination.

My problems are so small compared to those that multitudes face each day.

I am grateful for this beautiful day.

Love,

Me.

10.16 am

Ps: i have to do my assignment today.

forgiveness is coming

The hurt that you caused me

Has torn me to the core

And has wounded me deep within

That i can feel it in my bones.

Why do you think i would be so broken

That i would never again be whole?

And try as i might to forgive you

I feel you took for granted my goodness

And you performed perjury of such volume

That i have to reason from within

And release this pain completely

So that i can wish you well in my dreams.

Passing the test

You are dancing all in black

All the way from front to back

And you beckon me to come

What now of this will become?

I am slow to move this day

Because you have pulled away

Before your charms i sought for a dime

With heart and love and rhymes.

And now i am prepared

To lay bare my whole soul

And give you everything, 

In every way

And with that i have now the show stole.

Where is the Kiwi,

Or the Madagascaran

Or the white?

Did you know by day you look like sun

And by night the moon bright?

I love you so devotedly,

And i am doing my very best,

Will you please stop judging 

Me on this harsh test?

Soothsaying my way

Soothsaying on a solemn day

When while there is sunshine 

I make hay; and haste not toward me,

I think i shall wait solemnly

By the riverside come moon or gale.

And the night is dark and soothing

More than any prophecy i could give

And as i surmount all odds i could live

By the rule that for one there is one,

That when eyes see my heart charms

And we shall win today in our thinking

Because i am no more sinking

And a man may not hold me,

But he calls out my sweet name

And chooses me over every other dame.

And i've learnt that the heart knows all

And i still love you out of all the men at the ball

Because your head smells so sweet

And your nose is musty and airy

And because i love you most truly

How's that for real soothsaying?

Scaling Everest

I climbed Everest's peak today

And i can't move from there;

The people at base can't see me

In my new den, in my lair.

I am sitting comfortably

On an old worn chair

And i was taken there smoothly

On a jet plane borne in air.

Who said the road to Everest is hard?

It even nullified the prophecies

In those colourful cards!

With a bunch of beautiful souls

Ive scaled Everest whole!

Yes i know, on a jet plane though

But im never moving from the flow

Of the cascade of falls about,

I scaled Everest without doubt!

Journal 6.12.2025 11.35 am feeling sad and missing my Dimma, and my A

Dear Journal,

I distinctly remember seeing Arun in my dream wearing all black but i don't remember the dream.

Arun left me just like that just the way my darling Dimma died and never came back.

I miss my Dimma today so so so much. She died too young and i didn't really get enough of her.

Why is Pa not talking to me?

Im feeling so alone and groggy and listless today.

I have things to do, work to accomplish.

And i really want to talk to Arun. Life is too short to not talk. Life is too short to fight and hold grudges. Life is too short to not take your heart seriously.

I just want to smell Arun's head. Just that. Nothing more.

I remember when Dimma used to tell me to count her greys. Her hair used to be oily so i didnt like doing it. But i wish i could turn back time and just count her greys.

Does Arun feel i still love him? And why did he move away? I wont bother him.

I really wish i had Dimma's pictures on my phone.

I think ill just go through some photographs.

May be im a little depressed. I feel sad.

Does Arun feel guilty when it comes to me? He mentioned it a few times. I don't know what the future holds. But pictures of him remind me of him.

He is so cute.

His serene sweet Jesus Christ face... he is the world's most handsome man to my eyes.

Im feeling so sad right now. My periods are a little away and i hope i have a good period this month.

Its been over six years since ive had sex and may be, just may be i wont be having sex ever.

Might as well become a nun! But that's not me, just not me. And if that's not happening i might as well focus on my career and make the most of my life.

I am feeling:

Sad

Slightly dejected

Heart heavy and slightly hurt

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.51 pm

Journal 5.12.2025 9.17 pm main aisi kyun hoon?

Dearest Journal,

I woke up and was rather sluggish. The best part of my day is when i update you and analyse you.

In the morning i meditated and chanted and then set to rehearse my lines for the nukkad natak. Yesterday Bhuku had messaged me that one of their actresses is very sick and if i could please do the role.

I agreed. It was for some socio-spiritual organisation and was on stress management. I dont think ill be joining this organisation but i met some rather nice people, amongst whom is a very famous actress who got us snacks to munch on as we prepared.

She complimented me on my performance at the end of it all and so did her son who was shooting the whole thing.

Then i came home, had a few cigarettes, a cup of coffee, shut my eyes for about ten minutes amid a whole band creating cacophony downstairs, and went to meet See Dhi.

Seema talks a lot to me telling me about all the things in her heart. She told me to never lose my kindness no matter what.

She spoke for an hour about living with her grown up autistic son in a status conscious society, about how her husband has rejected Sanskar because he is too embarrassed to embrace him.

Everywhere i go i see rejection. Bha being rejected by his homies because he is a drunkard, and Twi having no friends and my own experience of being rejected.

Bu beating me up and spitting on me repeatedly, Pa's acerbic silence, Ma's sternness. I don't think my family has awarded me the autonomy that i deserve-- Pa doesn't let me drive, Ma is snooty and snobbish and Bu is plain rude and of course Arun's brashness, rudeness, distance and rejection of me even though he is sweet. I should maintain the distance. I was really hurt by him last evening. But that's my feeling, mine to own. Not his doing. He ended it nicely.

I remember reading Stephen Covey when i was in school. Covey had a son who was behind on everything. He brought poor grades from school and was clumsy and awkward. And Covey realised that he and his wife saw this son as the weaker child.

So they started encouraging him to do small things and praised small efforts by him. And soon,  the son blossomed. He went on to play professional baseball and really ruled the roost as far as his grades were concerned.

He blossomed into a fine young man.

Then of course Lincoln's autobiography where he realised criticising people just doesn't do and in his life he stopped criticising all together no matter what becoming one of the most successful Presidents America has ever had.

I read these two parts of the books again and again i was so moved by them.

Even though nobody encourages me and people close to me generally view me as a lost case there is the odd casting director who will encourage me and i should capitalise on these small experiences.

I don't much like DeJh. For all his broad philosophy he has a very small heart.

In fact, everywhere i go i find people's hearts becoming smaller and smaller and mine expanding to such vast proportions that i can't contain my love.

I generally feel love in my heart which my friends tell me they don't feel. And i discussed this with N and she said that to feel love all the time is not normal.

So who am I? And where am I? And where am i going with this vast heart of mine? And why has life blessed me with a heart such as this? And will i ever find likeminded people who feel this way?

In fact, if i don't feel the love in my heart i know something is wrong and i know watching countless children growing up that to be loved by me is a blessing.

And yet, i increasingly find people being mean-hearted. For example, i just don't understand why C Mashi belittles and bitches about simply everybody.

And then, in life's rat race comes along a Seema who sees this love in me, and lauds me for it consistently and encourages me to go beyond and i am truly grateful for that.

May i never lose this love. May i always be increasingly kind. And may i be that one force of encouragement and sweetness creating a ripple effect that the world truly needs. "Be the change you want to see in the world."-- Gandhi. And, "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." -- again Gandhi.

These are my mantras. Sometimes because of my low moods even i've ignored Twi or walked past Bha and i judge. I don't know why. I see that as the discerning part of me, the part that wouldn't date just any guy, the part that is self-protective and the part that wants to stand up for myself. The part that sees worth in this sweet ageing body and in this old soul.

And here i am.

Today calls for a long gratitude list but this entry is so long so i'll try and keep it short.

May my light never dim.

I am grateful for the people who encourage me. Be it Bha who says he loves me as a person, or Seema who always points out that i am soft and kind, or Sudkakima who always says im the sweetest daughter in the family or a friend like Qud and pm, the ones who never left and i hope they never will. I am grateful for Arun's encouragement of my Tarot channel. He will never realise what exactly that meant to me. It made all the difference. I am grateful for all the people who judge me kindly. I am grateful for the cigarette guys who love talking to me; it's partly because of that that i dont quit but i will soon some day-- they make me kinder. I am grateful for the casting directors who reach out to me and push me harder seeing potential in me. I should really take them seriously and do as they say.

I am grateful for all my friends. Friends like Qud, Pm and Arun who say they will never leave.

I am grateful for the food my parents provide for me when i can't to keep me healthy, robust and going.

Im grateful for this beautiful shelter i have.

Im grateful for the little money i have.

I am grateful for my family that is my support system.

I am grateful that im in momentum these days and stable and in good spirits.

And most importantly, im grateful for my heart that is naturally kind and sweet.

Im grateful for all my teachers.

Im grateful for an aunt like Sudkakima who calls me the sweetest daughter in the family. I realise today that that is awfully kind on her part.

Im grateful for all of life's expereinces that shape me.

Im grateful for my career that has experienced a major trough that i dont want to call failure and im grateful for the wonderful sparkly crests my career has seen that have illuminated my life.

And most importantly im grateful for me.

And im grateful for Arun. He is just so sweet, he doesn't even know it.

I'm grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

In short i'm grateful for it all.

I am feeling:

So happy

So full of love

So kind

So benevolent that it's unimaginable.

I'm feeling a wave of gratitude and i feel fortunate.

Now i'll just meditate, chant. But first, ill eat dinner.

Im grateful for Haroon. It's so nice to talk to him.

Love,

Me.

10.17 pm

Ps: Pride is an emotion many chase and some possess.... i don't know how to deal with pride. 11.11 pm