Today after a long time i'm feeling really heartbroken, really out of love. I feel intuitively but quite definitely that Arun has found someone else.
He is a very very sweet person, a gem of a person but he wasn't really available for me. He did not come for Buro's wedding, he did not come for my play. But i have many fond memories with him.
Watching Animal at home over Salami and pork, going to Madh Island and eating fish, listening to his stories, making out with him in a rickshaw, his smell, his eyes held pain sometimes, softness sometimes, and him telling me i made him very shy... that was so sweet... i would have loved to have more opportunities to make him shy, him talking about his death, his slash marks on his hands that i always wanted to kiss, him combing my hair, his laughter, me putting my finger through his nose, kissing him on his cheek just so that i could smell him... they are all just moments in memory, moments i wish i could relive.
The first time we kissed i was so drunk in Irish House but i don't regret it, he sitting in Raj Palace telling me he loves me and me saying: "What nonsense!" The waiter at Raj Palace saying: "Madam inke saath jhagda mat karo. Aap dono ko dekhkar dil ko khushi milti hai." I was really deeply in love with him. Id fallen head over heels in love with him. His bent fingers and his hands that i loved kissing. Him crying thinking about his mother and not letting me listen to the Beatles. Him talking about his daughter the love of his life. For me forever may be Arun was the love of my life.
Im feeling so heartbroken, so broken from within because somehow, for some reason an acceptance has welled up within me that we are never going to go back to being together and that is really heartbreaking.
One should never fall in love with a married man. I wish i could kiss his feet.
This is the death of a fantasy, the death of a dream and ive had a terrible day of feeling heartbroken.
I really didnt do much today. I just meditated, chatted with a bunch of people and wrote a reflection (a stupid one) on my career to which a few of my friends messaged me, encouraging me not to give up. William said my post was painful but i think he was exaggerating. He was always one to exaggerate.
I wish i had more opportunities to make Arun feel shy and deeply loved. I could sacrifice for him, i could do anything for him but more importantly, despite how i was feeling in the morning, i could hold him and love him devotedly for the rest of my blessed life.
But there is a feeling within, a definitive feeling that it's over, even the on-off phase of it... and im really mourning Arun today, the death of the relationship.
He did not call me up. Will he ever again call me up? He came online so many times yesterday and today but he still didn't dial my number.
Im feeling so sad.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
9 23 pm
Ps: i spoke to Arun about an hour ago and he said he would call me back. I really hope to have a good non-disruptive conversation with him.
10.23 pm
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