I woke up around 8 today and i don't remember any dream. I woke up feeling the sting of aloneness.
Yesterday i decided to forgive Ma, Pa, Buo, Mashi just the way i have forgiven my sexual assaulter and sexual abuser of childhood.
So i sat in dhyana and did that.
And as i was forgiving so many memories came up-- Mashi unnecessarily belittling me when i was small, Ma accusing me of things that were not my fault. And i realised that till i don't forgive them i won't get anywhere in life.
I have to let go, i have to forgive.
The past is a chain and i wish to unshackle myself. I even sat and forgave Arun.
I don't think he'll ever come back.
I realised a couple of things. One that destiny is such a thing. What would come to pass (as in our fixed karma) can never be erased. And i have assumed this karma, this suffering.
Second that till i don't release myself from this pain i won't get anywhere.
And most importantly, i don't think Ma or Mashi have ever known any other way to be. I don't know why (Dimma wasn't like them) but both of them have a wicked streak.
Yesterday Ma and me went to have dosas and sandwiches near Mithibai College. We then went with So Pa, JaPa and their daughter Piya for strawberry with cream at Shiv Sagar.
I'm meeting A Alam today. If he'd like i'd like another round of strawberry and cream.
I also realised through this whole forgiveness exercise that because ive been treated harshly ever since i was small i overcompensated with love that has now become fawning under pressure. May be that's why i feel so much love in my heart.
Everybody has problems. Everybody wishes that some aspect of their lives be rewritten.
This is my story. One that has seen me locked up, abused, belittled, beaten up and i choose a better future.
Go on fair one, go on,
Let those that lie lie
By the wayside, on the streets
Far away from your greets,
Go on....
I am feeling:
Happy
Lonely
Pained by my past
Now ill chant and get on with my day.
I am grateful that i have a family that supports me.
I am grateful for friends.
I am grateful for food, shelter and money.
I am grateful for my childhood, for my teenage years and my tumultuous adulthood.
I am grateful that i am healing.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
I am grateful for this beautiful blessed life.
The world has seen many atrocities right from the many wars to slavery and discrimination.
My problems are so small compared to those that multitudes face each day.
I am grateful for this beautiful day.
Love,
Me.
10.16 am
Ps: i have to do my assignment today.
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