I called up Arun last night. He was sleeping. I should not have disturbed him.
I think i've hit rock bottom. There is no lower that i can go.
I woke up from a dream where me and some women were doing business earning 5 or 6 rupees per sale and i tell one woman to not take money from a particular person, to do them a favour. And then i woke up.
I reached early for the zadankai to practice the skit after doing chanting, pranayam and meditation. The practice went well.
Then i went up after calling up Omee and the zadankai ensued.
We chanted. Many people including me shared our experience. Bha and Omee were late and then they came.
I should not have invited Bha. His behaviour was despicable and i was so embarrassed. He has no tameez! He doesn't know how to behave. He wore bad clothes, was dirty and kept interrupting. I was so red-faced.
I quickly left with them and scolded Bha. But he didn't understand at all. I think he has started drinking again.
Let's see if he is accepted in the SGI.
Then i walked to Bu's place but they were busy so i had a cup of coffee and left.
I thought that Bha also has the Buddha nature but does he have criminal records? I should have asked!
I thought about Arun and his drinking.
I need succour.
I came home and spoke to Ma about it.
I should do the Eaxs job well. I wish i had a friend to talk to about myself. Even therapy is stupid. N has not resulted in any healing.
I feel broken, i feel fragmented, i feel like i'm in pieces.
Ma told me that i should strengthen my practice of Buddhism. Faith, practice and study. She also told me that she sees a bright future ahead for me. I really wanted to hear something like that!
I hope i am accepted in the Soka Gakkai despite what happened today.
Suma seemed so curt when i called her up to apologise.
We don't know or rather are not aware how we exhibit ourselves in society. But a Buddha is recognised by his conduct.
This aloneness is what life has given me. And i must accept it. There is family, there is the BSG, there are neighbours and no one else.
I need a breakthrough!!!! I really really do.
And i really wish Pa were talking to me.
Why am I feeling so stimulated, so awake. What has happened?
It seems that love and life are both alive in me like blazing flames. I feel so different. This winter has had its effect on me. I feel like i'm a very different person and that I've woken up after a long drawling sleep.
I don't feel stuck but may be i should not talk to Bha so much. I don't know.
I hope Arun is well.
Now i'll chant for half an hour.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
2.33 pm
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