I woke up and was rather sluggish. The best part of my day is when i update you and analyse you.
In the morning i meditated and chanted and then set to rehearse my lines for the nukkad natak. Yesterday Bhuku had messaged me that one of their actresses is very sick and if i could please do the role.
I agreed. It was for some socio-spiritual organisation and was on stress management. I dont think ill be joining this organisation but i met some rather nice people, amongst whom is a very famous actress who got us snacks to munch on as we prepared.
She complimented me on my performance at the end of it all and so did her son who was shooting the whole thing.
Then i came home, had a few cigarettes, a cup of coffee, shut my eyes for about ten minutes amid a whole band creating cacophony downstairs, and went to meet See Dhi.
Seema talks a lot to me telling me about all the things in her heart. She told me to never lose my kindness no matter what.
She spoke for an hour about living with her grown up autistic son in a status conscious society, about how her husband has rejected Sanskar because he is too embarrassed to embrace him.
Everywhere i go i see rejection. Bha being rejected by his homies because he is a drunkard, and Twi having no friends and my own experience of being rejected.
Bu beating me up and spitting on me repeatedly, Pa's acerbic silence, Ma's sternness. I don't think my family has awarded me the autonomy that i deserve-- Pa doesn't let me drive, Ma is snooty and snobbish and Bu is plain rude and of course Arun's brashness, rudeness, distance and rejection of me even though he is sweet. I should maintain the distance. I was really hurt by him last evening. But that's my feeling, mine to own. Not his doing. He ended it nicely.
I remember reading Stephen Covey when i was in school. Covey had a son who was behind on everything. He brought poor grades from school and was clumsy and awkward. And Covey realised that he and his wife saw this son as the weaker child.
So they started encouraging him to do small things and praised small efforts by him. And soon, the son blossomed. He went on to play professional baseball and really ruled the roost as far as his grades were concerned.
He blossomed into a fine young man.
Then of course Lincoln's autobiography where he realised criticising people just doesn't do and in his life he stopped criticising all together no matter what becoming one of the most successful Presidents America has ever had.
I read these two parts of the books again and again i was so moved by them.
Even though nobody encourages me and people close to me generally view me as a lost case there is the odd casting director who will encourage me and i should capitalise on these small experiences.
I don't much like DeJh. For all his broad philosophy he has a very small heart.
In fact, everywhere i go i find people's hearts becoming smaller and smaller and mine expanding to such vast proportions that i can't contain my love.
I generally feel love in my heart which my friends tell me they don't feel. And i discussed this with N and she said that to feel love all the time is not normal.
So who am I? And where am I? And where am i going with this vast heart of mine? And why has life blessed me with a heart such as this? And will i ever find likeminded people who feel this way?
In fact, if i don't feel the love in my heart i know something is wrong and i know watching countless children growing up that to be loved by me is a blessing.
And yet, i increasingly find people being mean-hearted. For example, i just don't understand why C Mashi belittles and bitches about simply everybody.
And then, in life's rat race comes along a Seema who sees this love in me, and lauds me for it consistently and encourages me to go beyond and i am truly grateful for that.
May i never lose this love. May i always be increasingly kind. And may i be that one force of encouragement and sweetness creating a ripple effect that the world truly needs. "Be the change you want to see in the world."-- Gandhi. And, "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." -- again Gandhi.
These are my mantras. Sometimes because of my low moods even i've ignored Twi or walked past Bha and i judge. I don't know why. I see that as the discerning part of me, the part that wouldn't date just any guy, the part that is self-protective and the part that wants to stand up for myself. The part that sees worth in this sweet ageing body and in this old soul.
And here i am.
Today calls for a long gratitude list but this entry is so long so i'll try and keep it short.
May my light never dim.
I am grateful for the people who encourage me. Be it Bha who says he loves me as a person, or Seema who always points out that i am soft and kind, or Sudkakima who always says im the sweetest daughter in the family or a friend like Qud and pm, the ones who never left and i hope they never will. I am grateful for Arun's encouragement of my Tarot channel. He will never realise what exactly that meant to me. It made all the difference. I am grateful for all the people who judge me kindly. I am grateful for the cigarette guys who love talking to me; it's partly because of that that i dont quit but i will soon some day-- they make me kinder. I am grateful for the casting directors who reach out to me and push me harder seeing potential in me. I should really take them seriously and do as they say.
I am grateful for all my friends. Friends like Qud, Pm and Arun who say they will never leave.
I am grateful for the food my parents provide for me when i can't to keep me healthy, robust and going.
Im grateful for this beautiful shelter i have.
Im grateful for the little money i have.
I am grateful for my family that is my support system.
I am grateful that im in momentum these days and stable and in good spirits.
And most importantly, im grateful for my heart that is naturally kind and sweet.
Im grateful for all my teachers.
Im grateful for an aunt like Sudkakima who calls me the sweetest daughter in the family. I realise today that that is awfully kind on her part.
Im grateful for all of life's expereinces that shape me.
Im grateful for my career that has experienced a major trough that i dont want to call failure and im grateful for the wonderful sparkly crests my career has seen that have illuminated my life.
And most importantly im grateful for me.
And im grateful for Arun. He is just so sweet, he doesn't even know it.
I'm grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
In short i'm grateful for it all.
I am feeling:
So happy
So full of love
So kind
So benevolent that it's unimaginable.
I'm feeling a wave of gratitude and i feel fortunate.
Now i'll just meditate, chant. But first, ill eat dinner.
Im grateful for Haroon. It's so nice to talk to him.
Love,
Me.
10.17 pm
Ps: Pride is an emotion many chase and some possess.... i don't know how to deal with pride. 11.11 pm
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