My mind is a quagmire of sorts. I don't want to fantasize about Arun, i don't want to idealize him and i don't want to expect anything from him because im very scared of getting hurt, hurt that I've been. Truthfully, i still love him. I may still be in love with him. It's a soft kind of definite feeling of affection and respect, a deep sense of affection and respect and love that ive been left with after 5 months of not meeting him, apart from the time we bumped into each other. I think i'm still in love with him but i don't want to raise the bar even though i know i won't crash and fall this time.
So let me take you through my day.
I did my chanting, meditation and yoga in the garden today and then as i was oil pulling i watched Armaan's tarot videos, the 777 videos and a little of Sweet Soul. Even as i was doing it i felt that i was making a huge colossal mistake.
Because the other day Chat Gpt told me that if you want to create work like be an actor, writer, Tarot content creator you should not consume any content before putting at least half an hour of creating your own content at the start of the day. It's a scientifically-tested method for productivity for creative people.
The rule has been working well for me.
So when i sat and pored through the Tarot videos i knew I'd lost the day.
Then i quickly had a bath and went to meet See Dhi. What i realised talking to her is that she has faced such immense dissatisfaction in life but she is yet so compassionate. We discussed Autism, Puneeta m'am, her cats. I was feeling really low during the meeting. And i hope i didn't come across as too blunt.
Then i came home and ate lunch and attended the E axs meeting.
And then i was feeling so low. I was feeling so deprived of affection and intimacy and when i looked into the mirror i realised that my eyes were very sad and that made me even more sad.
I just didn't feel like working on anything today. The lack of love and intimacy and the fact that i probably won't move on from Arun made me very desolate.
I haven't had sex in 6 years and i can't be with anybody but A. I don't want any other guy, nice that they are.
I thought of writing about it in my journal. I had sent Arun messages today. Then instead of writing about it i mustered the courage to call the horse up and discuss it with him.
From the horse's mouth i was told to be strong and love myself. Then i told Arun that i still love him. I do. He is sho sho sho cute, sho shweet and sho charming. He is my delight, he is my cake and he is my cream.
I don't know how he took the conversation but he is one of the few people i can talk to, someone i feel is emotionally intelligent, he is someone who gets me and his words and advice always seem reasonable to me unlike a De Jh who is sweet but a tad condescending.
Arun is a friend. And the most important thing in any kind of relationship is to be able to be friends. I told Arun I'm not in love with him by which i meant i don't fantasize about him anymore. I don't. I've made a deliberate attempt at it.
But if you adore someone so much that you could devour them and if you sometimes miss smelling them means being in love then realistically speaking, i must be in love with him. I love him. Let's just settle it at that. I'm not confused. I'm just at the threshold of getting out of immense loneliness and pain.
Arun was in the middle of work so when he wanted to go back to it i didn't bug him.
EAxs wants to work with me and i have to reply to their mail.
I think i'll go take a walk.
I have to reply to the mail and prepare my clothes for tomorrow.
I am feeling:
Immense heartache
Love
Happiness
Happy that i actually spoke to Arun. I so adore him, i so love this man. He is a rockstar! I love talking to him.
Two things to do this evening after my walk and chanting.
From tomorrow i won't consume any content before creating.
May the night fall gently upon me.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
7.56 pm
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