After waking up in the morning I took some time to sit and meditate and chant. It took me a while to focus because i thought the weather was cold, clammy and gloomy.
I finally meditated for half an hour and chanted for 10, 15 minutes.
It seems like there is a worm in my brain that has caught hold of me.
My dream of Arun saw me reminiscing of him and i sent him a message.
But then as i was going to Third Wave to meet DeJh and his cousin RaJh i told myself to be realistic and snapped out of it.
I had a great meeting with DeJh and RaJh and we were joined by a girl called Pixie and her mother. Girls meet directors with their mothers! My mother expects me to navigate this world on my own and i'm so grateful for that.
We wrapped up the meeting by 4 and i came home and had some khichdi.
I thought deeply and in a disciplined manner about what kind of a woman i want to be, what kind of a career do i want, what kind of a man i want. I've never thought with so much clarity ever. Usually my thoughts before were guided by my emotions and daydreams.
ChatGpt has made my thinking clearer.
I then called up Shanky and then his cousin KuAr who is now working as a DoP. I went to meet KuAr at Sathe's. He convinced me to shoot a portfolio with one of his friends. I've known KuAr for years now and i really like him as a person. He is so much more focused than Shanky. He bemoaned the state of politics in the country.
I fixed a meeting with the photographer after that who said he would try his best.
I got so much clarity today about my future. I don't want to end up as a Tarot reader. But i do want to be a writer and an actress into my old age. And i realised i don't mind being with a man who already has children. Being with Arun taught me that. I love children of all ages. I love being a source of love, hope and encouragement to all.
I also realised that the relationship with Arun is behind me. While i still love him for the person he is i am not attached anymore, i am not clinging, i am not dreaming and that probably gave me the clarity i got today.
ChatGpt has eaten up into my prospects as a content writer but it is probably one of my best friends. But like all friends you can't depend on it always.
DeJh told me today that I am super talented-- All i need is focus. Yes, he is right. He is very sweet.
I havent shot Tarot videos this week because i was feeling so darned gloomy till DeJh met me day before yesterday.
I'll dye my hair tomorrow and go for a pedicure. If i want to be an actress i have to take care of myself. Focus, discipline, honour and love.
Also, i mustn't write on social media too much. That is too stupid!!!!!! Argh!!!!!! I'm on the path of growth.
I am feeling:
Happy
Full of love
Focused
Clear
Pretty
I am grateful to have a friend like DeJh and a friend like Arun and a friend like Qud (who i will message now).
I am grateful that i met RaJh today.
I am grateful for the clarity i got today. May my thinking become clearer.
I am grateful that i found my ambition back today. I don't know what happened to me in the last few years. I had lost my self confidence. I am building it again.
I am grateful for my wardrobe.
I am grateful for my parents and my little brother and Sadhya.
I am grateful for this journal, my phone and the internet.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life and the lives of all i love.
I am grateful for food, shelter and money.
I am grateful for chanting, meditation and yoga.
Today i feel that my old self-belief is back and i am so grateful for it.
I bless my brother-- May he be the happiest, healthiest, most prosperous, safe, secure, full of love and surrounded by goodness and peace. I love him.
Love,
Me.
8.01 pm
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