I haven't updated you in a while. HAPPY NEW YEAR! A lot has happened. I saw the Taj Mahal. I prayed at the Fatehpur dargah. I saw Akbar's beautiful Sikri.
I'm in C Mashi's house in Delhi. There is a streak of selfishness in this family. C Mashi says the most unkind things about Sheshu and that makes me feel (quite surely) that Ma also says unkind things about me.
That is causing me to be negative.
I went to the Kali bari today.
NaBho messaged me this morning that he has some not so good news to share with me. That has gotten me worried.
I saw a dream last night where i was purchasing just one cigarette but then i go back home and Gaujo calls me to tell me that he saw me at the Paan Bhandar and that is when i go and buy the cigarette.
Life is not easy. Relationships are hard.
The heart feels everything.
On the Agra trip i was made to sleep with She that made me feel very bitter towards Mashi. Why didn't she sleep with She?
Pa lost a wad of notes yesterday. And then he suspected me.
I don't think my parents love me. I've been feeling that way through this trip. Believe me. Just the way C Mashi doesn't love Eshna that much i think my parents don't love me.
But i don't want to be bitter. And i don't want to fawn.
C Mashi puts Koena on a pedestal and Ma puts Buro on a pedestal.
I want to be kind. I want to be sweet. And i want to be loved the way i love.
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness only light can. Hate cannot drive out hate only love can."-- Martin Luther.
Wherever i go i find people becoming increasingly crude and selfish. Bool Mesho has a visibly Shylock-like demeanour like he has become very crude and selfish.
It's the new year and i wish i wasn't feeling this way. It's a result of a lifetime of hurt and scars.
Pa bought me boots and a bag from Agra and then he lost money and that makes me feel that I should quit smoking.
Can i be forgiving? Can I be that one person who spreads sweetness wherever i go? Can i work so hard that i'm at the front? Can I love so deeply that i am at the top of my game when it comes to relationships?
I don't think anybody loves me. Especially not C Mashi and Bool Mesho. Why am i feeling this way? It's 11.11 now.
How can i forget the many kindnesses bestowed on me ever since i was small? The change begins in my heart.
I feel like being all alone. I'm feeling just like the time I'd taken an overdose of sleeping pills in Delhi and Mashi put me in Vimhans.
I'm feeling so low, so forlorn. Even though many people messaged me today and NaBho and DeJh spoke to me for a long time i'm feeling so low, so alone. I miss Dimma and Dadu a lot. I miss Pa's warmth. I miss my mom's down-to-earthedness.
I'm not so worried as much as i am low. I'm feeling so low.
I know that I shouldn't feel so low. I shouldn't become hard-hearted. A is history.
I am feeling:
Sad abd happy at the same time but more sad.
Heart hurt
Heartbroken
Despondent at the selfishness around me
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
I am grateful for love and life.
I am feeling so alone.
Love,
Me.
11 23 am
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