Dear Journal,
Last night I had a dream of Buo. He was standing behind a long white pulpit-like structure giving orders or saying something. I remember this vaguely since I woke up late. The night before that I had a dream of William from toi.
Today even before I could start shooting videos for my channel I got a call from the same client as yesterday. He said cheap things about his ex-girlfriend. After the session, I conveyed to him that I'm not alright with what he says and that I don't want to do any more sessions for him. He protested but I conquered.
Then I went down to smoke a cigarette and met Angsh and he introduced me to Shusha. Shusha came for a Tarot session in the evening with me. I've seen Shusha in odd movies I've watched but couldn't place him. I bantered with the two of them after the session. Angsh called me moody but it's only this much that I can engage with them.
I'll share the Virgo Tarot video with A tomorrow. I would love his feedback.
I feel that Arun does wrong by his wife. The very fact that he is never leaving her means he loves her. They have a family together. And he should not have led me on and he should not be with any other girl over his wife.
This evening I really found myself judging him. He has slept with other people. He didn't sleep with me. He consistently cheats on his one wife he will never leave. That is a huge weakness in him, a huge character flaw.
And here I am still feeling love for him. That's the biggest joke! I should really slowly detach. Time heals everything and I know that time will heal my heart too. Why did I fall so deeply in love with him? What was it?
If he is with some other girl today I'd judge him even more because a man should be true to his wife. Only then does she bloom in all her glory and all her beauty. And a good relationship is a precursor to success. A nagging wife, an unfaithful husband-- these are what lead to downfall for a couple.
I'm very alone right now and I really hope to find a man who will be true to me and someone I can love more than I do Arun. That's a must. Because without that there would be no point. I'm not going to date the next guy who comes along. That's just not happening.
I want a handsome guy. An ambitious guy. Who supports, encourages and nurtures my ambitions as I do his. Someone who loves me deeply, is passionate about me and most importantly, is true to me, always. Someone who experiences the highs and lows with me, weathers the storms with me, shares his inner secrets and vulnerabilities and experiences life with me. I seek a companion. And I seek a companion with exemplary character. That is a non-negotiable.
I don't mind a man who already has children because I absolutely adore children but I don't think I'm going to have any of my own because age wouldn't support that.
This reminds me of Payal Bothra, whose mother was murdered when she was small. And her father remarried and she loved her stepmother. It was from her that I learnt that raw eggs are good for the hair because her stepmother used to apply it for her. It's been a while since I've seen her.
Well journal I just wanted to banter a bit with you. I believe when you start taking yourself seriously loneliness does kick in.
It's just a realisation but it is sitting with me -- I have to get over Arun. I just have to. He will never be true to any woman. He doesn't have it in him and he genuinely believes it is not important. And that's not alright with me. I think he told me that he has cheated on every woman he has ever been with and that's just not right. When someone says something like that, I should not expect anything less or more from that person.
None of the guys who are coming my way and proposing interest me. And there is simply no haste. To be a good girl because I am and to build my life trajectory on my own, that's where my focus is at the moment. May life treat me kindly.
I am feeling:
Happy
Skin dry
I can feel the pollution in the air
Heart so full of love for no rhyme or reason
Seriously thinking of closing the Arun chapter in my heart
I am wearing my rani pink embroidered t-shirt with Chotto's white trousers.
I am grateful for the food I eat, the shelter I have and the money that is mine.
I am grateful for all my friends, including Arun, in my life.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
Arun's flaws are staring me in the face today. I kind of loved him even though I saw them but there is a very very slight, extremely slow shift I feel today and that makes me sad.
Why do I feel so much love? Why do I feel so much? Why journal why? What would I do without you?!
Love,
Me.
9.00 pm
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