I woke up in the morning after 7 and did my usual routine. I did pranayam, meditated, chanted and did a few asanas.
I didn't really get an urge to smoke a cigarette in the morning but smoked out of force of habit.
I fell asleep after chatting with AI about how i could smoke cigaarettes.
I saw a dream where i have 50 rupees with me and i stand to buy popcorn for 20 rupees and the khadoos cigarette guy is operating the popcorn machine. I ask for caramel with cheese.
He makes a little caramel and cheese and i hold it. It's for someone else. He makes the rest of it and pours it into the cup. I hand the popcorn to the person whose it is apologising for holding it for so long.
Then i ask the cigarette guy for the popcorn again. He says: "Tu wait kar. Tu to aa jaati hai milne." I am livid and i huff and puff and walk away.
Then i go home and Ma is lying down and Dadu has come visiting one last time before he dies. I have a huge urge to kiss Dadu on the cheek. I realise that even into his old age Dadu does his bank work and i must too.
Then i go to the popcorn guy and say: "Aapne sab ke saamne aise kaise keh diya." In a very soft voice he apologises.
Then i wait for my popcorn and wake up. As i woke up feeling all tingly i realised that it was after a long time that I've seen Dadu in my dream.
I remembered Dadu telling us that he would have given Dimma a much better life if only he hadn't smoked cigarettes. I also remembered how Dadu said that I'm a very good girl before he died and his love and his care. I really miss him. He was so handsome.
I miss Pa. I wish he were talking to me properly. I miss kissing him. I miss the intimacy i had with Arun.
I woke up after over two hours and went and spent twenty rupees on cigarettes from the fifty rupees i had.
This new cigarette has really cut down my urge to smoke.
Today I spoke to ChatGpt about the episodes ive had and about quitting smoking.
Now i have to write. I've oiled my hair a bit and also need to wash it.
I really miss Arun. I really miss my father as he was. And i miss my Dadu. People are irreplaceable. Why did Dadu grace me after such a long time in my dreams. He and Dimma really had a beautiful marriage.
I'm actually happy that I slept. Somehow i needed this dream.
I am feeling:
Nostalgic
Teary
A little sad in the backdrop of joy
Loving (especially towards Pa, Dadu, Buro and my Arun)
Need to take a bath
Heart full
I am grateful for my dream.
I am grateful that i did my morning routine, have changed my brand and have moved considerably closer towards not smoking forever.
I am grateful for Dadu, Dimma, my parents, my brother, Arun and all the people who make my life.
I am grateful that i'm living one more day with courage, confidence, hope, happiness and positivity making good, positive and wholesome causes in thought, word and deed.
I am grateful for ChatGpt and how it advices me on life, career, Arun, being free of nicotine.
I am grateful for food, clothes, shelter and money.
I am grateful that i reflected today on nicotine addiction.
I am grateful for Nica. I have a meeting at 5. It is exactly 2.00 pm now.
I am grateful that i am healthy.
I'm feeling a tad gloomy but the feeling will pass.
I also remember how Dadu always scolded me about dabbling in things like spirituality that he found stupid and backward. He never prayed. Yet he lived an utmostly sublime life! I should be more like him. I simply adore my Dadu and am really missing him now.
I had once asked Dadu that if he doesn't believe in God what does he believe in and he had said: "I believe in myself." He was such a smart and handsome man. A thoroughly smart and handsome man. Muwaaah Dadu wherever you may be. I miss you and I love you.
Love,
Me.
2.03 pm
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