I'll never call any other guy except Arun Honey and Shonapie. I have my reasons.
I love him. I always will.
Now I'll chant, eat lunch and study.
Love,
Me.
1 54 pm
Tuesday, 4 August 2026
Monday, 3 August 2026
Journal 11.46 am on 4.8.2026 I need accomplished friends
Dear Journal,
Ever since I've entered the film industry Ive made a lot of poor struggling friends. I need more accomplished friends.
I spoke to TejAur today. She helped me with my lesson plans. Then A Alam called. He is so struggling. There is SKum, SaSe, AnGau, Shanky and everybody else. Everyone seems to be struggling and poor.
I want more accomplished friends. I want to be accomplished.
I am feeling:
Happy
Lonely
A little empty
Stable
I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
11.51 am
Journal 10.05 am on 4.8.2026 a dream of Arun
Dear Journal,
I saw a dream where all the conditions are right for me to date Arun. Even then, I'm not dating him. I saw myself and him together in the dream, kind of standing together.
Today I have a meeting with TejAurad.
I better buck up!
I am feeling:
Happy
Stable
I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
10.08 am
Journal 12.20 am on 5.8.2026 Where is the love?
Dear Journal,
In any long-term relationship the love transforms, the heart transforms and as Arun says The Love Goes Up the Stratosphere.
Does it then mean that love is lost?
At the end for a long-term relationship you don't really have to love the person, you just have to like them... that was what Sunny told me during Vipassana.
I feel like I've lost my love.
At the end in a long-term relationship like marriage it's practical concerns like committment, loyalty and trust that play a big part. And these are earned privileges.
I just hope that if I get married, I'm not cheated upon. I want mutual respect, mutual loyalty and mutual trust and the feeling of love will come and go.
I am feeling:
Happy
Loving
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and Blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
12.26 am
Journal 10.30 pm on 3.7.2026 feeling loveless
Dear Journal,
Firstly, I have to tell you something embarrassing. I was so underprepared for today's lectures it wasn't even funny! Tejal helped me out.
Tomorrow every thought of Arun will be replaced by thoughts of my students.
Why have I clung on to him in my heart for so long? Because he is familiar. Because no man has ever treated me with as much sexual respect as he did. And deep down somewhere I'll never forget how I fell in love with him.
But there is no passion there. And could he really always be working? And he said that there is nothing for us to discuss. And he talks insultingly. So every thought of him will be replaced by how I can love my students Dhyaan, Tarini, Kyra and all of them more!
Today I took breaks to smoke cigarettes. I will not do that next Monday.
If I were ever to kiss Arun again I would do that endearingly. There is such distance between us!
All in all today was a good day. Yesterday being friendship day I got friendship bands from my students. Dhyaan, Tarini and Rishaan just didn't want to study, so we chatted. I told them a few stories about how when I was a child what I did with my friends.
It brought me closer to them. I spoke to them, loved them and taught them what I could.
This is a phase in my life. A phase where I'm grappling loneliness and emptiness. It's really about living my life with full grace despite that. I refuse to be unhappy. I am determined to spread love, joy and cheer wherever I go.
Why does Tarini laugh so much? Why does Dhyaan not love himself? And what can I do to better their lives?
My bachchas told me today about how everyone is dating in their school and it was really lovely listening to snippets from their lives. I would have been a great mother!
Everybody has been telling me how bored and empty they are feeling-- all the people my age. I think it must be in the stars!
What is this phase teaching me? It's teaching me patience, hard work, resilience, about happiness and how to keep loving even in arid ground. It's teaching me the value of cherishing the lives in front of me. It's teaching me to let go with grace. It's teaching me that the voice in my head has to soften.
It's teaching me about the goodness of people's hearts-- like Raaurad and TejAurad; how to work with love and grace; how to surmount obstacles and acceptance.
Children are so precious; they mean the world to me. I've loved Eshna, Koena, Ryllee, Pyaal and a great many children all my life. And they have all grown up to be stalwart!
I am going to bathe now, chant and sleep.
I really want to give up smoking.
I am feeling:
Happy
Loving
Concerned
Focused
Awake but tired
Don't really feel like bathing but bathe I will.
It's a good night! I wish me and my loved ones sweet dreams.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
10.56 pm
Voice
The voice in my head,
My very own voice,
Is just so loud
And rarely coy.
It imagines
And churns
All the faces
And happenings
Of my life,
It helps me surmount
Difficulties with joy.
Me and me,
Talking to myself
On which realm
Should I now dwell?
The lisp
The wisp is caught on the breath
And I feel so distraught
As there is nary a man about me
As if with the whole world I had fought.
On my tongue there is a lisp
Of burdens I have dealt with well
And my friendship with you is flashy
As any tongue will tell.
On our misfortunes I will not dwell,
My circumstances grand and beknown
And my soul I will not sell
But it's imaginings precious and gold.
I strive easily and fully
And have reached the head of the fort,
Warm from my nightly musings
Back in from the biting cold.
It's a much better deal
Our friendship formally sealed
As with beautiful words you wield
My heart out of the snow.
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